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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife left me for her new boss
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe she is trying to provoke a confrontation. Trying to frustrate you to the point of tracking her down to talk to her face-to-face.

Don't do it.

Go through your solicitor. Instead of emails perhaps sending a letter she must sign for would be the way to go. Then she cannot claim she did not receive it. Document the failures to respond and how they are impacting the ability to co-parent the kids. Any effect it has on you will likely not interest the courts at all. The kids are the focus.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 8:47 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3869 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're right. I have no desire to confront her and prefer the silent treatment. Communicating with her just hurts


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS,

Since my wife retained an attorney, she has gone dark on me as well--presumably on the advice of her attorney. No more hoovering, no more demands. It makes it so much easier. With true NC on both our ends it makes my healing much easier and faster.

PS: I sent you a PM


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS, I think that you are handling yourself very reasonably and well.

Who knows why she's 'gone dark' on you. Stbx cycles through this type of crap with me....from none, to short and civil, to out-right hostile, to "give me another chance", back to none....I've finally reached the "yea, whatever" point.

Just carry on. You see her immature behavior for what it is.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who knows why she's 'gone dark' on you

Needless to say she is troubling/irritating you @allatsea.
She's using it as a weapon.

Maybe she is doing it on OM's directive or the lawyer's.

Maybe you should try things which will speed up the process from her end, things I have no idea about.

I received similar advice from my lawyers as well. I didn't have anything to say to her and was firm on D. I had had enough of her and her lies.
I just followed the process that my lawyer asked me to and voila, she asked for a D herself. It involved arm twisting, outing to relatives slowly, basically cashing in on her weak points. This of course after quashing her attempts to file for a false dv and other false complaints.

Eta: remember you are the villain for her. You denied her the chance of a dual life. A family and a fantasy life. She ain't let you go easy to life happy ever after after the D.

[This message edited by Happydays at 12:38 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eta: remember you are the villain for her. You denied her the chance of a dual life. A family and a fantasy life. She ain't let you go easy to life happy ever after after the D.

^^
This is what I'm thinking too, AAS, as it is happening in my situation as well. How dare us divorce them.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much emotion today.

Oddly, I've actually had a great weekend with friends and I had another date with a wonderful woman whom I could see myself being with, but underneath it all I've been missing my children. They've been missing me too. Ds8 only calls or texts when he's missing me. He called yesterday and wanted to hear my voice and is looking forward to our 5 day weekend coming.

I got home today to an empty house and started doing the washing and watching the history of the Eagles on TV that I've just recorded. We shared a love of the Eagles, ww and I. Big trigger.

I texted ww and asked if the boys were available this afternoon just for a few hours. I didn't expect a reply but I got one. "We're at my mum's, sorry" she replied. Another trigger. Somewhere we visited often as a family. I was surprised to get a reply at all and my mind was racing.

Even hanging the washing out made me realise that ww is now someone else's wife now. She's shacked up with another man, cooking, washing and hanging his pants out to dry. It still feels raw that she replaced me so easily.

Then it dawned on me what hurts more; I thought I was loved.

I'm not loved by her any more. Her feelings started to shift toward him around this time 12 months ago. Pretty much after we got back from our vacation and her workload doubled. She has 19 years of memories, shared history, shared friends and family and she's happily sacrificed the lot, for her boss. I feel worthless and unloved.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel worthless and unloved

I'm sorry, AAS.
There's nothing that I can say to you that will take that *feeling* away. Nothing. But I'm going to say something anyway...you ARE a worthy individual. And you are worthy of being loved. I'm sorry that your WW has chosen to stomp on your heart.
It is her loss. Truly.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, wonder why I send emails and they are not responded to. Very childish.

I think it is to make us feel unimportant-- kinda like a spouse who gives the silent treatment, I suppose.

Then, your last post,, about missing your family.

I believe this shows why NC is so important....we try to communicate for just regular issues but they use it to put the knife in our backs again, either by blowing us off or by fighting with us.

nc=no new hurts,, I am starting to see the truth in this..


(((allatsea)))


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2012
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry AAS.
I too have felt unloved by my WS.
But I hold to my own character and who I am as a person, my talents, beliefs, my friends and family. I know that I have value whether WS sees it or not.
In the end, the loss of loving you is her loss to suffer.
Of all the people in the world who value you, she could not-it's a backhanded gift.
You still have value and when you're ready and the time is right, you can share that with someone who will truly see it for what it is.
(((hugs)))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so heartbreaking that one selfish persons actions can make us doubt everything about ourselves. But allatsea, you've got two little boys that most certainly love their Daddy - you've got friends who still respect you and value your worth (unlike your WW who's walked away from them all and lost all of their respect) and you've even been on a date today. So you've got future prospects.


You're not worthless and you're not unloved. Whatever made your WW act the way she has is a problem within her not you. So try to be gentle on yourself. None of this is your doing or your fault. The problem does not lie with you.

((allatsea))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS,

Once again we are living parallel lives:

My wife has had the kids since Wednesday.

I am in heavy withdrawal over them. I texted to see if they could come home today, as I know the WW is leaving very early for work out of town. She refused. I am sure she is tired of them; five days are two too many for her, but she has to prove that she is the worlds greatest mom.

My son also calls me to tell me he is missing me. Tears me up. Just got off the phone with him.

Their cousins (wife's nieces) have been in town. Three little girls I adore and who adore me. They asked to see me but I had to say no without telling them why. (I don't want to see my sis-in-law who has always sanctioned her sister's adultery, blaming me.)

So they all have been living a life that I had always been a part of. The routines continue without us. The pain is deep, I know, AAS. My wife left a message on my voicemail wanting to know how I was feeling. (I had told my son I was sick.)

Just a bit of hoovering on her part, but it still stings to hear her voice saying words that used to warm me.

So, it sucks all around. We feel replaced, disposed. But so much can change in so short a time, as you and I and so many people here well know. We are (we thought) happily married, and then...boom. We are divorcing. Shocking, disorienting.

My point is, who the hell knows where we will be this time next year? My prediction is that we will be in a very very different place. Maybe with someone else, maybe not. But we won't be in this degree of pain. We just won't. We are too strong men who have taken control of terrible, utterly unpredictable circumstances: we are leaving people who brought us pain. They may not love us, but they do not know what love means, is, or does. It sure doesn't mean we are unloveable. It is they who are.

Heads held high. Hugs from across the Pond.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know where AllatSea and AbbonDad will be next year.

Divorced.
Happy.

And on the prowl looking for a real woman that shares the same morals and interests as you.

Your wives are not the woman you married.

And when thye go out of there ways to lie, cheat and hurt you deeply when it is not called for, well, they no longer deserve an ounce of your love, respect or caring.

They are "Just some that you used to know".

So keep moving forward.

Do not be shy about taking chances on love again.

And love your children today like there is no tomorrow.

Be cause they need the love of there fathers more now than ever.

Keep posting.

HM


Posts: 882 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has 19 years of memories, shared history, shared friends and family and she's happily sacrificed the lot, for her boss. I feel worthless and unloved.

A few months of an A is no match for 19 years of marriage with kids and memories. She is independent (earning). That sometimes is a big factor when it comes to reconciliation. She gave importance to her ego and made choices that were not in the best interest of the 19 years spent. It was her decision. She will want to make her decision successful, or atleast make it appear successful to you. Everyone knows there are ups and downs in every relationship. She will show you the ups only. That doesn't mean everything is hunky dory.
Here's hoping and praying for an early fallout of her A.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are a fantastic bunch. You always manage to say the right things.

I'm biased obviously, but I think betrayed men suffer a special kind of grief which affects our belief that we can provide for our wives, sexually, emotionally and as a father. Especially when they take the children and substitute us for another penis.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My God, she just gets worse.

On the 5th August her solicitor informed me of the days I would be seeing the children. Wednesday 8am to Sunday 4pm.

Today I receive 3 more letters. The first says that she made a mistake and meant to say Thursday 8am to Sunday 4pm and TELLS me this is now the arrangement.

The second letter informs me that she thought mediation was extremely difficult and will not attend another. In addition, she now insists, formally, that ALL communication goes through the solicitors, no matter how small (including drop off dates and times)
We now must complete the numerous financial disclosures in order for us to enter in to financial negotiations but from recent history she doesn't negotiate.

The third letter is pushing me to get the Decree Nisi submitted.

How on earth can she justify this behaviour? On what planet does she consider that she is being reasonable?

My solicitors response states that I will not accept this arrangement and do not agree to the revised visitation arrangement, especially as I have made appointments with the dentist for tomorrow.

What have I done to deserve this behaviour to the point where she won't even correspond over email about collection and drop off times. She must be spending a fortune


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. What a piece of work. So sorry. Maybe send her a copy of the War Between the Roses and ask her if THAT's what she's after?


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2012
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry

For some reason she seems to want to punish you. This would make some sense if YOU were the WS. But, as some have said, she likely is trying to assuage her guilt. And the OM is probably egging her on.

The fact that she is using your kids as pawns is frankly evil.

Is there a family court judge who could knock some sense into her?

Wishing you continued strength.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my solicitor is currently drafting a 'this is how it's gonna be from now on' letter.

I spoke with a female solicitor (colleague to my usual one) and she was a rottweiler who is ashamed that WW's like this give women a bad name!

She is appalled that WW can think that she has the right to make unilateral decisions about the children.


It still beggers belief, though


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What have I done to deserve this behaviour to the point where she won't even correspond over email about collection and drop off times.

Short answer? You stood up for yourself. She wanted you to roll over and be grateful for whatever she decided to give you.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
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