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User Topic: Wife left me for her new boss
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Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admit not knowing how this works but if you have no agreement yet why does she get to set terms? What does your lawyer say?

Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
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Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In this country I have zero hope of contesting her decisions about access if what she is asking for is considered reasonable by the courts; and by reasonable that means the default of two weekends a month. The system is out of date and still treats fathers as though they are the reason the marriage has failed and the mother must have the children - even if that means the children are living with her new lover.

My begging and pleading seems to have worked to some degree. I had no other option. It has given her back the control that I fought hard to regain and I've fed her ego. It has made the POS even more arrogant and controlling of her but I am prepared to accept that as the cost of seeing my children as often as possible. It has set me back several weeks from an emotional point of view but it is worth the pain.
She seems to be more open to negotiation and although I will still see them only every other weekend, I will continue to see them every wednesday night and take them to school the next day. It still feels hugely unjust that she sees them 5 nights a week and I have them for two (on everage) but it's that or even less if I fight. I didn't even have the affair.
She is still blameshifting and gaslighting and considers spying on her emails is a worse offence than her affair. She also considers that having POS round to our house whilst I was giving her space was because she "needed the emotional support that he offered whilst I kept hounding her to fight for the marriage". I sent her letters and went to MY house to beg for her to try. She resents me for not having any pride at the very beginning. Apparently I should have just accepted it, been happy that she had found new happiness and waved her and the kids goodbye.
The sooner we can reach final agreement with the children and finances, the sooner I can detach as much as possible. Every person I speak to about this thinks that she has done a disgusting thing. Neighbours who have seen us as a family and me out playing with the children seemed astonished that she could accuse me of being a "part time father" and "watching from the sidelines".
She has finally declared in writing that I can buy the house from her which is a huge relief and we agree on the split of assets. I have requested that she pays for the whole divorce (including my lawyers fees) as this would demonstrate an acknowledgement that although I was 50% responsible for any problems (exaggerated by her) in the marriage she is 100% culpable for the affair and the decision not to fight for the family. It's a point of principal for me that I don't want to concede. However, POS goes to all her meetings with the lawyer and interjects in every discussion or email we share. She is unable to think for herself and checks everything with him. He has no interest in being pragmatic or seeing us reach an amicable solution. It's all about winning for him. He's got everything that means anything and now he wants more. Tough week but I saw my boys last night and we had a wonderful time. I have got the caravan out of storage and put it on the driveway. The boys and I ate dinner in it last night and we will sleep in it tomorrow night - which they are excited about. It is tinged with sadness because there are many happy memories and great holidays made in it. STBXW dropped off a bag of clothes for them last night and saw us playing in and around the caravan. She would have to be dead inside to not have felt some emotion about seeing it. She also knows I am taking the boys away in it next weekend. It will be the last time we use it before it is sold as part of the asset split She has given up a truly remarkable family and marriage for something that she thinks is better but can't be. It's when I think of that, that I get really sad.

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't better, and the shitty part is, she will find that out down the road when there is nothing she can do to rectify it because you will have met someone else. I am so sorry. Sending you tons of hugs from across the pond. This is life, but you will be a better from it.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
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Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a bitter pill you have to swallow. IMHO...and this is just how I would handle it from the childrens standpoint...I would tell POS OM that I am theit father, I will discipline them when they need disciplined, I will offer them advice when they need advice...he is nothing more than a temporary gigolo, and any attempts by him to undermine your relationship with your children, will be met with catastrophic results.

Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
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Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is how I feel but is not how I can act. All that will do is piss off the WW and POS and she will but up more barriers.

I have to bide my time until she hasn't got any leverage over me

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:28 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife is way out of-line. I think your kids are going to need therapy at some point because she is exposing them to what she should actually be shielding them from.

Maybe you should rephrase your wanting more time with the kids in some way that it will benefit her? Put it like this: "If you let me have the kids every weekend you and POS can fuck the weekends away! You can pretend you're single!" then she might give it to you because right now she seems to only care about herself.

Also, I found this article on-line, take a look at it.

In particular, the Parental Responsibility Agreement stuck out to me. Are you getting one of those?

I feel like there must be organizations over there that could help you. I know one was referenced at the beginning of this thread. Did you contact them? Make sure you exhaust all of your options.

Good luck and you do not deserve this.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am sorry the courts are so outdated where you are.

When reading your post it reminded me of my uncle's story. Please allow me:
my uncle was the best, the sweetest man on the planet. BUT (and there always is a big but) his GF was a nasty witch. They never married, but were common-law after so many years. She had a child. My uncle was over-the-moon, as he was older. Well long story short, Miss Cooty started "dating others". They split up, she took the child just b/c she knew my uncle wanted to keep him so badly. BUT (another one) she very soon grew tired of child. The child was holding her back. And wouldn't you know it? She soon gave child to my uncle!! He was never happier. And Miss Cooty (gives me shivers just thinking about what she did) was able to play. Unfortunately my uncle died, and the child had to go back to Miss Cooty.

So, maybe your WW will find them a burden too (although we all know they are not), and they interfer with her playing time.

YOU are their rock. YOU are the one they will look up to. YOU will be the one they go to for honesty.

Keep it up.

Sending strength.

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
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Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, POS goes to all her meetings with the lawyer and interjects in every discussion or email we share. She is unable to think for herself and checks everything with him. He has no interest in being pragmatic or seeing us reach an amicable solution. It's all about winning for him. He's got everything that means anything and now he wants more.

This bothered me in my case as well. OBS recognised his words in all exW communications to me. It was winning for him.
Well whatever OM did, it didn't work.

As of now your wife and OM are enjoying weekends without the children. And of course he wants to extract every dime he can from you.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Latest update:
WW refuses to talk to me at all, about anything. The solicitor has to be the conduit for all legal matters and I can only email her for pertinent issues with the children. I suppose this is not unreasonable and suits me.

STBXWW hates me. She has to. She has to convince herself that I am the devil and deserve everything that has happened to me. She is the victim. IMO if she didn't hate me then she would be distraught with guilt. The POS is manipulative and controlling only she can't see it but levies those same words at me.

We have almost agreed on the financial split and access. The only thing of contention is that I would like some minor contact with the children around the weekend I don't have them as this would provide continuity of contact. Otherwise I wouldn't see them for a whole week every other week. This is the only thing left to agree. I don't like it and would like more but I'm powerless.
The only other thing we can't agree on is the selling of two vehicles of approximately the same value. I want to keep the one of lower value and let her have the other. She wants to sell both and split the proceeds. You would imagine that she would be pleased with that offer, wouldn't you, but no. She wants me to sell them for two reasons; Mainly because It would be me that would have to do the vehicle preparation, advertising and dealing with the tyre kickers and she would just collect the proceeds. The other is just to annoy me because she knows how much my vehicle means to me.

Everything else is agreed and yet she is objecting and costing us both money with the lawyers.

I hate the fact that my children spend more time with her and POS and have to lose this battle in order to win the war. One day my children will be old enough to stay with me whenever they choose. They will always have their home and father and know that I fought for them.

One other thing is pissing her off. Her pension is worth more than mine and I am entitled to offset the difference against the amount I will pay her for the house. Yet another thing to really wind her up.

Her: "People don't have affairs for no reason, you know? "I wasn't happy in our marriage"

Me: "You had an affair and then you rewrote the marriage history to justify it"

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just saw the stbxww for a child exchange at the swimming pool. For the first time in 3 months she moved from her seat and sat next to me to talk about child stuff. I didn't engage other than to acknowledge, didn't smile or look at her. Once she had finished talking it went awkwardly silent. I then said "I'm going to sit over there" and she looked most put out that I would rebuff her and not want to be next to her. I genuinely didn't want be anywhere near her as she disgusts me. I had nothing to say and she has no right to even pretend to be friendly toward me. She is not worthy of my friendship or to be in my vicinity. Fuck her. she will undoubtedly consider me petty and unable to get over it but If she thinks we will ever be more than we are now or thinks I will forgive her she can think again. Bitch.

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I could see how her trying to be friendly would be really annoying. It is easier to have distance if she continues to be bitchy. For now I think you are right to protect yourself.

I would imagine it would feel to you that now that she has her way she can afford to thaw a bit towards you. But that you are not there, and of course don't have to do things on her timetable.

What she has put you through is so unfair and I am so sorry.

You have been so strong; keep it up.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1772 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
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Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, allatsea. The only thing I would ask about is whether playing nice with her would make any difference at all in how the custody issues for your kids will play out. She sounds like a first-class, delusional, self-centered bitch. But if there's any chance you could persuade her to give over a greater share of custody, might it not be worthwhile to play her little games until the ink is dry on the legal decree? After that you could tell her to tuck into a fresh shit sandwich.

Unless of course, you don't think making nicey-nice will have any affect.

In any case, I'm sorry and just wanted you to know that you're heard here.

rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you speak with her and she is cold and blameshifting, YOU must remember that is the brainwashing from OM. You should visualize him there, so you don't plead or soften to appease her. She won't listen.

Also, when she shows up with him, don't interact with him at all. If she wants him there, then don't engage her at all. It only adds drama and feeds their "togetherness" and demonizes you. Don't fight it, ignore it. Don't feed it.

Finances and kiddos only.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:41 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2988 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
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Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Keep moving those seats away from her.

I cannot wait for the day she sits next to you and realizes the woman on the other side of you is with you!


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone.

I totally get what you are saying. I can actually tell that he has brainwashed ww. Even her emails use vocabulary I've never heard her use before.
I feel strong today and quite enjoying regaining a bit of control in my life. I'm determined to give myself the best possible catapulting out of this quaqmire so that I can provide the best future for my children.

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to collect the children from STBXWW just now. I've been fine all week and avoided her at all costs. Today I had to engage with her and her voice and demeanour triggered me and set me back a couple of weeks. I'm emotional and miss her and our marriage. I just want to beg her to come home but I know it won't work and she will reject me. I managed to hold it together and kept it away from the kids.
When I got them back to mine DS (8) showed me something from his 'secret box'. It was mummy's pendant which had a note inside saying 'I Love You BH' I remember that pendant from many years ago and it made me sad when I saw it. DS (8) knew it's relevance which is why he had taken possession of it. He was sad too.

What a crappy life she is putting us through

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:55 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is a tough day. A dip in the rollercoaster ride.

Last night I collected the children from her house as mentioned in my previous post. She was cheerful and looked lovely, as always. I noticed that her car had new brakes, which is a job I would normally have done. It made me realise that she is simply getting on with her new life without me. I am no longer needed. She is coping quite satisfactorily without me. It weakened me.

The DS showed me the pendant and that weakened me further. Later in the evening I started to pack the caravan for our little boys weekend away. The 'van has a unique smell, the equipment, the novelty items in the drawers and various other things all triggered memories of happier times as a family and a loving couple. I was weakened to the point that I texted her
"Packing the 'van. Some amazing memories in here. The places we've been, fun we've had. The smell. The outfit [car and 'van combo]. The new awning"
I didn't expect a reply and didn't get one.

This morning I was emotional, still. I'd received the mortgage redemption figures and sent them to her. How sad to be emailing her in a contractual and business like tone. I texted her again asking "Is there any part of you that regrets this or wants to reverse the situation? I expect not". No reply expected and none received.

I'm still incredulous that she has totally disregarded all of the amazing times we had, as if they never happened. I have so many memories of utter family perfection. How can she forget them?

Help me understand, please

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You won't be able to understand because you are not broken like your STBXWW.

When FWH was active in his A after DDay, his thought process made zero sense. I wasted too much valuable time tring to reason with him. He was too busy indulging in his selfishness, convinced that he deserved to be happy - even if he destroyed every one around him.

I had to let go of the rope. Keep focusing on detaching from her and faking it until you make it. Eventually you will come to a place of acceptance that this is happening. (doesnt mean you have to forgive or even like what's happening).

Hang in there.

Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
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Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Allatsea, its hard I know - coming up to 6 mths & while I have good days there are obviously moments where I get triggers too. Believe this.... let them go.... if they cant see the qualities you possess then why would you want them. We all deserve to be loved exclusively.

WH is so in love - he & OW are looking to buy a house together. Good lord give me strength - it took him 10 mths to say I love you & 3 yrs b4 we brought our house. 5 mths with her & he is really acting like a pillock. As my mother said & she is in her 60's "hes thinking with his D*&K not his head". I never laughed so much. Funny thing is OW has no money, or assets - I wonder what she sees in him (cha-ching!) OK stinging comment but come on. He not a looker or has the body...not a Ferrari more like a Bambino, but I loved him all the same. Then again maybe she likes the Bambino. Who knows?

My DD has had enough. She cannot stand the OW - well neither can my son. She says she is weird & strange. My son always adds "& she smells!" He told his teacher this...yes we both laughed. I said honey... of course she is strange her husband had 3 affairs on her & the only man she could get is 1 who had an affair on his wife. I tell the children I pity her. She must be that sad, broken & resentful.

I met a lady through University who years ago had an affair. Left her husband & children. Was in love with her OM. 18 mths later she realised what she lost. A great man.She tried desperately to get back with her husband...he told her NO. Now she is still trying to get a relationship with her children...yes they love her, but this comes with conditions. They don't forget. They were 8 & 10 at the time. The approx same ages as my babies. She tells me "it really wasn't worth it...but I couldn't see the pain I was inflicting".

Now Allatsea, Its what we choose to do with our life that is the determining factor. Therefore go and have a fabulous holiday with your children. They will remember these days. Create new memories with them. I am, and we love it.

Keep being strong. Your story really does resonate with me...our children are approx the same ages, & both our spouses met their AP the same time & now appear to be pushing ahead with settlements & divorce. Take care

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your knowledge of yourself and ability to express your feelings is remarkable. Clearly, you are very emotionally intelligent. Think of your WW as having an emotional disability. Kind of like dyslexia of the soul. (Two of my kids are dyslexic.)

I assume WW has never had counseling, or read about psychology. I'm thinking either her parents did not demonstrate healthy relationships, or WW possibly has a personality disorder.

In any case, she has a lot of trouble reading emotions--hers or anyone else's. And she doesn't want to learn how.

My dyslexic kids each did 80 hours of one-on-one with specially trained teachers to learn to read. They had to stay in on many sunny afternoons after a full day at school. Over and over, they put in the time and effort to develop or circumvent the areas of their brains that weren't working.

WH and I could have gone into denial about their dyslexia and let them slide by. They're both smart and could still be relatively successful in elementary. It was hard to make such happy, energetic kids face this challenge. But what if we had ignored it and covered it up? There comes a point in school when you can not succeed if your reading skills are poor.

The metaphor for your wife is that she was hiding this broken part of her during your marriage. At some point, she was required to dig deep and use her emotional wisdom and it just wasn't there. She is too weak to admit that huge deficit, or too disabled to see it.

Her "happiness" with OM is covering up a faulty soul. As soon as she is challenged to empathize or give emotionally of herself, her disability will be revealed again.

She already blew up your life. Now the timer is reset, but she's a ticking time bomb.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

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