She may not care for you but a marriage is not necessarily about love, its about security, both emotional and financial, for both her and her children.
Not very flattering being a fall back option, bit degrading actually. She will refuse to cooperate on the divorce since its not in her best interests, and there not a lot you can do except push things along as fast as you can.
It tells you the OM isn't too keen on marrying her and bringing up another mans kids either. If she doesn't feel she has a secure future with the OM why should she let go of what she already has?
As I said very degrading and she's calling the shots.
[This message edited by allatsea at 1:49 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]
They had a really fulfilling two days with me and my friends
You are giving those kids their 'safe place' throughout all of this - and they won't *ever* forget that.
I'm so sad that you are hurting so bad tonight - but you are right, you WILL come through this and grow strong again, and you will still have your kids love and have your integrity intact.
Try to take care of yourself now and don't beat yourself up for texting your WW - there's no need - you are the one acting normally. Expressing your heartbreak is human. She is the one acting like an unfeeling robot. I just know that one day she WILL wake up and realise what a fine man she's lost.
It'll get better, sea. It might get worse for a little while, but it WILL get better.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I think you are afraid of provoking her anger and driving her even further away. Screw that; she's gone and you need to start fighting for your rights instead of allowing her to walk all over you. Women respect strong men and you have been Mr. Nice for far too long.
I'm really sorry for your loss and change in your life.
This is very familiar and sounds a whole lot like what my husband did.
I am glad you're able to move toward divorce so soon, it took me a whole year. But I didn't know about the "real deal", he just abandoned us in the middle of the night and never came back.
I have a sibling in the UK I get to visit sometimes and find it a wonderful place. I'm sorry the laws aren't based more on who did something than motherhood or fatherhood, in some ways.
My husband also met someone through a workplace and got let go very soon after, but I don't know if I'll ever get to know any details-and now don't want to, finally.
I wish you luck and hope the 180 can continue-it's very hard for me because so much is unanswered. I find if I know something, I can let it go, but the unknown things haunt me.
I filed for D and my husband is losing the house we built, but he's still thick in the fog and convinced himself that anyone who speaks against his affair is wrong.
I wish you well and much luck with your children.
It seems like they would be better with you as the more stable parent and one with a house and routine and all.
I've questioned why people who leave marriages and turn worlds upside down contemplate upsetting kids lives too, when stability is so important for them, especially in rocky times.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
And then my reply:
I'm bored of the 180. It doesn't matter anymore. Reconciliation is impossible
"You can use any excuse you want. It doesnít excuse your behaviour or justify your affair or the disrespect youíve shown me throughout the whole sorry episode.
If you werenít happy you should have done something about it - You did nothing to change the status quo. At no point did you address your unhappiness. That was weak and is an excuse. You have destroyed the nucleus that the boys needed for your own gain. The boys are desperately sad about this and you canít even see it. There is nothing I can do now to rectify this. You are morally bankrupt and broken. All I can do is provide the stability that the boys get when they spend time with me. DONíT EVER CLAIM THIS IS FOR THE BOYS.
You can justify all you want. You saw something, you took it with total disregard, and now you need to find an excuse to tell yourself, friends and parents. I donít buy it. I look forward to it blowing up in your face, and it will. Your affair comprises two people of dubious morals, one who stole a wife from a family and another who willingly gave it away. What sort of man would happily fuck a manís wife in his home, sneaking in and parking round the corner only minutes after I left? One of you will cheat again. A man who was cheating on his own girlfriend with you. A man so unprofessional that he sleeps with his staff. Poor Ellie.
Donít think for a second that Iím trying to win you back. That ship has sailed. The best revenge is to let him have you. The saddest part is you canít see it yet. The worst part is that you are taking my boys along for the ride.
My texts arenít angry. Just looking for answers. The mediation services arenít necessary, in my opinion but if you are paying, then fine. You obviously arenít happy with the proposal I made which is why you want the mediation. I will be looking for more time with the boys.
Iím not angry. Far from it. You donít engage - full stop. You havenít engaged me or anyone in your feelings, opinions, ever. Hence the affair and deceit. Hence the severance letters to your friends.
Donít ever accuse me of buying things at your expense. Total bull. You wanted the M5, the speakers, the bathroom, the caravan. More blame shifting. Demonise me all you want. It doesnít matter anymore.
In all of our years, you have never organised a single day trip, event or holiday. I did everything. If you were so adamant that we should have done more, you should have organised something but no, you couldnít put your phone down and focus on your children. Still canít from what I hear.
Winters were always tough and the TV takes centre stage a lot more. It didnít help that you had disconnected from the family since November and were completely absorbed by your Ďlustful sideí (your words not mine).The previous Summer was full of activity, exercise and holidays. What do you suggest we did in an evening once the boys were asleep? Other than email your lover in front of my very eyes?
I had no choice but to engage a solicitor. What option did I have? Youíre living with the twat and youíve taken my children. Should I have just put up with it? Oh, yes, youíre angry at me because I found out sooner than you wanted me to. You allowed me to buy a non-refundable holiday in Spain WHILST totally embroiled in a sordid affair with your manager!
The fact that your mother suggested it was my fault for finding out by snooping. She said ďif only you hadnít snooped, she might have had the affair, got it out of her system and youíd never have known. You could still be togetherĒ. What sort of family are you? And you think Iím from a broken home?!
Delusional. Totally delusional.
Obviously, you arenít going to see my side. You wonít do until your relationship with Dick fizzles out or he leaves you for another. Just remember, you are currently shielding him from the true experience of living with children by doing all of the kiddy care and housework yourself. You then pack them off to bed as quickly as possible so that he can have you to himself. I am then having them for two days of the weekend so he isnít seeing real life. Keep sucking and fucking and heíll stay a bit longer"
I know this will just make matters worse but sometimes you've just got to tell them how it is, right?
[This message edited by allatsea at 8:15 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]
I want mediation because of e-mails like this! How can we communicate about finances when you send things like this.
Always about the sex, isn't it. You need some serious help. You really are a mix of the worst parts of both your parents and you disgust me. I don't think you ever loved me. If you did, you wouldn't wish for terrible things to happen and it wouldn't be so obvious that what really gets to you has nothing to do with the boys it has to do with you losing control. Top marks for playing the victim and being so bitter and twisted like your Mum. It's never your fault, is it? You bloody well had it all and you messed it up by being selfish and lazy - you know it, but can't face up to it. Affairs happen for a reason, and I met someone better. Much better. Better for me and better for the boys. He does more with the boys than you have ever done, he does more around the house than you ever did and he does more for me. Nor does he want constant praise for anything he does do, he just gets on with it. Whereas you just refused to do anything YOU didn't want to do. You are not the victim here, you are the architect of your own misery right now. I totally understand how you need to make it all my fault - again, just like your Mum.
You blatantly use the boys to get at me and your endless questioning of them makes them sad and they don't like it. It also irritates them. The boys are sad because you sit there teary eyed in front of them and tell them manipulative things playing 'poor, lonely Daddy' in that shell of a house. You don't understand the concept of putting them first. You should be ashamed about what an absent father you really were. Being in the same building does not a father make. Your own friends' efforts with their kids should have told you how easy you had it, in comparison.
I don't need to persuade anyone about why I've done this. Those who know me realise why and are fully supportive. Eventually you will realise that hassling my parents isn't going to work. In fact it makes you look rather pathetic. I have no interest in putting my side to your parents so you should get some pride and stop contacting them. I really cannot believe you can suggest that my family home is broken, it made me laugh out loud.
As for not engaging help from others. I know how I feel and I know my own mind. I don't need pitiful blogs to help me form ideas or to look for answers. You will be seeking spiritual help next, like your Mum. You just can't handle that another man is better than you and that you no longer have control.
I really don't think you should feel any sense of moral superiority after hacking all my e-mails and facebook. That was inexcusable. As a precaution the old Samsung has been sent away for analysis because it was a University machine and my university email was accessed without my consent.
Further communication can go through the solicitors and mediation.
To her, this is all your fault and I think she really tried to hurt you with that message. She's a completely lost cause right now.
allatsea, DISENGAGE. DETACH. **For your own sake**
You aren't going to get anything from her right now but more heartache, more pain.
I'm going to quote the only part of her message I do agree with.
Further communication can go through the solicitors and mediation.
Unless it involves the kids or is an emergency - cut off ALL communication with her. She's literally toxic right now and you need to keep as far away from her and her blameshifting as you can. I really feel for you and I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away. Please, please don't let her cruel words put you off coming here for support and comfort. It's not pitiful, it's a wonderful place full of people who understand where you are at and want to offer you support - don't let her words tarnish this place for you.
[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:26 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]
It does sound as if your marriage is definitely done from her nasty e-mail. Apparently you had faults which is just not acceptable.
Stop talking to her. Don't engage her in any way, except for your sons and move on with your life. Right now she has made you public enemy number one and because you are the enemy, her relationship will blossom. They are focused on you and not on themselves and therefore that common enemy will fuel their relationship to keep going.
Once you remove YOU from the situation, they have no choice but to now look at themselves. Their fire for their relationship is you.... Disengage, detach and do not spend any more time on her. Then just sit back and watch how it all falls apart. It will not fall apart over night, it will take some time once you have removed yourself but once she longer sees you as the enemy, then her focus will turn to her lover, if he hasn't already dropped her. I am so sorry but the only path for you now is to completely leave her alone.
And when I say get her back, I mean revenge. You don't want nor need this person back in your life.
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 11:32 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]
He's welcome to her.
You have turned a corner. Don't look back. NC my friend.
((((allatsea and sons))))
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
I would produce this e-mail in court as 'proof' that at the very worst you were an ordinary father, with a few common minor faults. Could help with custody arrangements.
Your wife definitely should not have sent that message; an opinion shared by my attorney brother.
That email was nothing but evil bullshit that will destroy your soul as you come to realize that she really believes the words that she's writing. You don't need to read any more of that type of stuff.
...say that I loved my old wife but this one is pure evil.
You loved your perception of your old wife. Before and after dday are just different facets of the same gem. The seeds of her behavior now have always been in there.
I caution about making friends (even slowly) with another woman so close to dday and D. You are not ready to be a partner to another person, and it is not fair to her or you.
They are focused on you and not on themselves and therefore that common enemy will fuel their relationship to keep going.
I've made friends with a lovely new lady, taking it slow,
Attaboy! Distraction is the key to some sanity here. Be careful though, needless to say, don't take a step further without D completion.
She definitely sounds like my exW. Mine told me " I won't leave you that easily". Yours is acting on it.
Sorry to say this but, from the tone of her trash of an email, I can tell you, even if the fog lifts, there are very little chances of her coming back to you.
That should give you the power and will to look out only for yourself and the kids.