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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What I'm doing wrong
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was asked almost two weeks ago to write out a new timeline that consolidated our three TT DDays into one coherent reality and I haven't yet done it.

I don't read enough (other than SI).

I haven't gotten re-tested yet since my initial STD panel was 6 months ago.

I haven't gotten deep enough into why and how I did this in my IC sessions.

My BS still feels like she doesn't know me and I haven't *made* her know me.

I haven't done enough in actions to really own what I did. Only in words.

I've listened but not heard.

Our M is on serious life support here and I can see it is my WS's daily struggle not to call time of death. She has been the most tolerant, amazing BS I could ever imagine. The end result of everything listed above is that since DDay, I have let her outwork me in recovering from this. I put us here, I should be leading the way, but I have been too passive and let her drive the car.

There is a song called "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLr6G8Xy5uc). I would challenge any WH to listen to this and not identify with it's message. After DDay, this song really bothered me, because I knew this was what my wife was screaming in the years before DDay. Now it is hard to listen to because I now see that after DDay, she has been screaming the same thing. I should be taking the lead to fix the damage I have caused, and I have not.

My wife reiterated to me last night that if our marriage fails, it isn't my affair that killed it - it's the events since DDay. I thought I was working because I was doing a lot of deep thinking and talking more since I pulled my head out of my ass about a month ago. As my wife said though, I pulled it out but didn't clean it off.

I see the writing on the wall and where I have failed. I'm ashamed I ever allowed her to outwork me in fixing this. I'm trying to right my wrongs, but honestly it may be too late.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone has different timelines for healing. That being said, is it just that you are on a slower timeline or that you haven't really committed? There is a difference, and if your BW saw the work, she might be more "lenient" in the amount of time it takes you to reach her milestones.

So, can you take an hour right now and do the timeline?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I just have to say "wow". I would have liked nothing more than to hear these words from my WS, and then seen actions to back them up.

You may be correct in saying it's too late for your marriage, only time (and some seriously hard work!) will tell. But it's never too late to work on YOU. YOU are worth all the hard work. What is your plan to work on you?


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF - I'm on a slower timeline. I am committed but am often too passive. I find I struggle in my role as the WS here and will wait for my BS to take the lead on things to avoid taking the risk of making conflict. It's a struggle against a feeling that as a wayward I need to stay 'in my place' - but she's not asking me to do that - she wants me to lead - I put the other stuff on myself.

LadyQ - my plan to work on me is honestly not much different. I need to get to the root of why and how I had my affair to make myself a safe person again and never have to put myself through this hell ever again. I want to not have the word "cheat" so internalized that I have a trigger every time my kids are playing a game and I hear one of them say to the other - 'you cheated'.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was asked almost two weeks ago to write out a new timeline that consolidated our three TT DDays into one coherent reality and I haven't yet done it.
I don't read enough (other than SI).

I haven't gotten re-tested yet since my initial STD panel was 6 months ago.

I haven't gotten deep enough into why and how I did this in my IC sessions.

My BS still feels like she doesn't know me and I haven't *made* her know me.

I haven't done enough in actions to really own what I did. Only in words.

I've listened but not heard.

Our M is on serious life support here and I can see it is my WS's daily struggle not to call time of death. She has been the most tolerant, amazing BS I could ever imagine. The end result of everything listed above is that since DDay, I have let her outwork me in recovering from this. I put us here, I should be leading the way, but I have been too passive and let her drive the car.

There is a song called "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLr6G8Xy5uc). I would challenge any WH to listen to this and not identify with it's message. After DDay, this song really bothered me, because I knew this was what my wife was screaming in the years before DDay. Now it is hard to listen to because I now see that after DDay, she has been screaming the same thing. I should be taking the lead to fix the damage I have caused, and I have not.

My wife reiterated to me last night that if our marriage fails, it isn't my affair that killed it - it's the events since DDay. I thought I was working because I was doing a lot of deep thinking and talking more since I pulled my head out of my ass about a month ago. As my wife said though, I pulled it out but didn't clean it off.

I see the writing on the wall and where I have failed. I'm ashamed I ever allowed her to outwork me in fixing this. I'm trying to right my wrongs, but honestly it may be too late.


So is your plan to highlight more of your failures?

Is it to find agreement that you've been sitting on your ass?

I would recommend a path that highlights actions necessary for recovery.

Positive actions! Yanno, the ones that can save marriages...

Have you read the book Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley ,Jr. ?? If not, get a copy and get to work on studying it! It outlines the steps necessary to recover from an affair....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has been the most tolerant, amazing BS I could ever imagine.

It is good that you can see this, but perhaps take it a step further and explore what it says/means, to you and about you, that she has been so "amazing" in the face of all this and why/how, you have reacted/responded (or not) to this.


I'm trying to right my wrongs, but honestly it may be too late.

It is never too late to do the right thing, even if the M does not continue, your doing the right thing, will, for yourself, always be of benefit, irregardless of how others accept or reject it imo. I encourage you to not be deterred by the realization that it may be too late, do not allow that to side track you from doing what is positive for YOU to grow.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3435 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card - I do have a plan to rectify the items I have listed above and others and it is centered around making positive actions.

I have seen others recommend Surviving an Affair as a book to read, but I have read a lot of comments that it really centers on understanding your partner's needs and that if everyone's needs are being met an affair won't happen. Did you see the book that way?


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card - I do have a plan to rectify the items I have listed above and others and it is centered around making positive actions.

Are you willing to share your plan?

I have seen others recommend Surviving an Affair as a book to read, but I have read a lot of comments that it really centers on understanding your partner's needs and that if everyone's needs are being met an affair won't happen. Did you see the book that way?

It actually outlines many of the "why's" of affairs.
It outlines the ways to end an affair.
It discusses a path to restoring love in a marriage.
In the book it discusses a starting point, not an ending point.

All I can share is what was successful for me. I've used this material to help other friends who have suffered from infidelity too. There are other paths, but you still must commit to one if a great marriage is your goal or you'll have a crippled marriage for years to come.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a struggle against a feeling that as a wayward I need to stay 'in my place'

What place is that?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6094 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. You basically just summarized all the things that are going wrong in my marriage too.

So...I say to you, what Baxter said:

So, can you take an hour right now and do the timeline?

And then to add to it...forget the song and the leading the family. You aren't even close to that yet. Forget leading the recovery and just do the fricking work for recovery.

The time you spent on here writing this post, commenting back...you could have been writing out the timeline, reading a chapter in the book, etc.

You sound a lot like my fWH so forgive me if I swing the 2x4 with added passion. But I think you're stuck in analysis paralysis. Stop thinking about what you are going to do and DO IT. If recovery is a priority, show it. If you don't have time in your weekend to get the stuff done you need to do, then take a day of from work to get it done. Cancel the extra curriculars until your work is done. That's what doing the work looks like.

Your wife wants to call time of death because your body is unresponsive. Show her there's a heartbeat there that doesn't require life support. Let her see through your actions that recovery is your number one priority. That's doing the work.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 560 | Registered: Dec 2012
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected Song - by 'in my place' I mean like when someone says 'so and so doesn't know their place'. Almost like I should take a more timid, subservient role since I am the one who did wrong.

Card - of course, I am willing to share my plan:

For one, I need to reverse the items on my list of what I'm doing wrong. I wrote out my consolidated timeline last night and gave it my wife. I need to continue going much deeper into the roots of my actions at IC. I need to get retested ASAP. I need to be a better listener. I need to do the research - I should be reading everything I can get my hands on about healing from an affair, not just SI. I should be posting more here, though. And when I go deeper, I need to share what I'm learning or connecting with my BS.

I need to be the leader in our healing, in our marriage, and in our home. I need to work on pride vs. humility. I thought this was a good article on the type of leadership I'm referring to: http://respectedhusband.wordpress.com/2012/06/12/a-husbands-servant-leadership-a-closer-look/


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You need too and you should"

It's interesting how these were the very same things we needed to and should have done when we got married. Yet I had no flippin idea how to achieve making any of them happen... I had no target to aim at.

I need to do this or that is not a plan for success, it's a plan for more of the same path I was always on....

Read some books,

Take the lead; It means don't sit back and wait for it to be spoon fed to you!

Ask questions....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take the lead; It means don't sit back and wait for it to be spoon fed to you!

This. Fixing yourself is not "passive". You can't be committed and also passive. The two just don't go together.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For one, I need to reverse the items on my list of what I'm doing wrong. I wrote out my consolidated timeline last night and gave it my wife. I need to continue going much deeper into the roots of my actions at IC. I need to get retested ASAP. I need to be a better listener. I need to do the research - I should be reading everything I can get my hands on about healing from an affair, not just SI. I should be posting more here, though. And when I go deeper, I need to share what I'm learning or connecting with my BS.

When I read this, what I see/hear is 'I need'. I am so guilty of using this wording to make myself feel better. If I recognize and admit that I need to do something, I feel better - even though it usually creates no actual response (ie - I need to do the dishes). Try changing the wording from 'I need' to 'I am going to'. Then do it. One thing at a time if you have to, but SOMETHING every day.

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Jan 2013
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card, UncertainOne, and musiclovingmom - point definitely taken. The 'I needs' and 'I shoulds' are very passive. Probably force of habit that I wrote it that way. I started doing actions on Friday and have been continuing since. It's a few days of work so far - hardly any sort of real track record that, but I am going to keep going with this.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 15

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