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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Romance and More? (not tmi...)
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that my BS is still healing. I help move further down that road each and every day. But, the other night, she told me that she was capable of getting past everything else but the intimacy.

Now, I know I'm only a stone's throw through this process, but I have no idea what "signs" to look for, or how I can possibly help in her particular case. I want to be as aware, informed, and capable of helping to heal completely as I can ... it's just that I feel incredibly ill-prepared to do anything toward helping get our bedroom life back on solid footing.

Any tips for this? Any words of advice, suggestions, or ideas? I seem to be doing all right in the healing and R process on every other front except this. Not that I expect this front to be solved any time soon ... I just want to know any advice, "horror stories," or anything else I can get my hands on to allow me to be better prepared to handle these particular challenges.

I desperately want to help her, because I see how horribly she hurts from what I've done. She has needs. I want to see them filled.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 794 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm think I'm in the sale situation as you.

We had a period a couple weeks after dday where intimacy was still there and we might have been going through some HB but now it's gone, and been gone for awhile.

I'm not sure if this advice is good or not so take it or leave it. Here are some things that helped us get closer, if only for a brief time.

- We try to arrange date nights more often and especially to do something different that we have not done before. Thats one reason we started yoga together and I think it has been helping.

- My BS also was feeling pressured into sex and intimacy. This has a huge burden as now I was afraid to show any form of affection. We had a straight forward honest discussion the other day about what exactly she was OK with at that time and what she was not OK with. She also agreed that I'm not good at non-verbal clues so if she is capable or wants more, she has to ask for it directly. This helped calm my fears.

I'm not saying it's been perfect but I think without those steps we might be even further apart now. I hope and pray daily that she can get the feeling back that I am pouring out of me every day.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a straight forward honest discussion the other day about what exactly she was OK with at that time and what she was not OK with.

This.

Also, some advice I heard, which may or may not help, was to consider things that you never did with the APs. Things that can still belong to just you and your wife. It might take time to reclaim other things, if she decides she can or wants to, but it might help to do things for which there are no accompanying mind movies.

The other day, H gave me a neck massage. That's not something I've ever done with the OM, and as far as I know (which admittedly isn't much) he didn't do that with any of the OWs (hope not). But it wasn't on my mind because it was so thoughtful of him in that moment. Now I want to ask...

It might help to have that discussion with your wife.

edited because: remembered getting massage from professional massage therapist before I met H. But definitely never got one from OM.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:34 PM, April 4th (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3902 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, some advice I heard, which may or may not help, was to consider things that you never did with the APs. Things that can still belong to just you and your wife. It might take time to reclaim other things, if she decides she can or wants to, but it might help to do things for which there are no accompanying mind movies.

Therein lies the rub. I talked about doing almost everything sexual with the APs. I never did most of the things I talked about, but the mind movies still play, regardless.

Even worse is that I did erotic role-playing online and even non-erotic role-playing with my LTEA, which means that she doesn't want to do EITHER of our two favorite things to do as a couple.

Any suggestions for that mess?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 794 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

Everyone is different but here is what helped me. I needed to feel a connection to him that didn't revolve around sex. Sex was a triggers subject obviously. I needed touches that did not lead to sex. Small things through out the day. Touches, gestures, caresses, etc. That turned into make out sessions but no going south of the border. That slowly lead to more and more. Be prepared. I freaked out a couple of times. Just plain went cold due to a random thought and had to stop. Other times I would cry during or right after stuff. All completely normal. All you can do is be there for her, hold her, etc.

Honestly is was almost like dating but we were living together.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blameitontherain:

That totally makes sense. It's what we're doing, but with the occasional HB in the middle. I don't mind it one bit. She deserves being treated like the queen that I never noticed before.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 794 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple good suggestions here and we actually have and are doing them as well and I see them as helping.

I do point out things that I do for my BW that I never shared with the OW. I stroke her hair often and I never did that with the OW. I think her knowing those things helps. She can then work to reclaim the other things that were taken from her.

Also taking it slow and doing those things that do not lead to sex are big. I think part of the reason last Friday was good was we do this "red light" thing where if we get stopped by a red light, we spend the time with kisses. Last Friday I don't think we missed a single red light and even got honked at because the light changed


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of the reason last Friday was good was we do this "red light" thing where if we get stopped by a red light, we spend the time with kisses. Last Friday I don't think we missed a single red light and even got honked at because the light changed

That's such a cool idea!

There's so many romantic things to do in this world, I think it's impossible for a couple to have "done it all". Get creative.

I talked about doing almost everything sexual with the APs.

But romantic, non-sexual things? It might help to set the context in a different way.

It's hard. It must be very hard for her. The other thing is, compassion, gentleness, and time. Accept that she's mourning the loss of these things. It might also be that any and all intimacy hurts right now, and that's normal.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3902 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 8

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