Any advice would be welcome.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
As Isadora said, the better place to start is, why did you give yourself permission to cross boundaries and look at an affair as a viable thing to do. Why was this in any way ok with you to do to yourself and to your wife and to your M? That is the better why to start with.
My situation dealt with intentionally not loving my BW. While I say that there was no thought of an A for many months during that period, an A did happen. And, I can also see that the wayward behaviors were there before I stopped loving my BW. Ultimately, the problem was communication, and we both had our issues with it.
So why do you think you fell out of love with your wife? What was going on at that time?
So why do you think you fell out of love with your wife? What was going on at that time
I suddenly realised that I didn't want to go home, I enjoyed the single life... it was at that point that I feel like I fell out of love with my wife.
So it sounds like during that 2-1/2 year work situation, where you were home off-and-on, at some point when you were abroad, you began feeling single. Did you cross boundaries then as well? How did you act or feel married when you were away from home, or did you? Would you feel like a family man during the weeks you were home, and did you suddenly feel single when you were gone, or was it a gradual overall process of detachment? What else were you detaching from? You say you don't know, but this looks like a good place to begin digging.
It might help to treat these like separate but related questions: falling out of love with your wife, and choosing to have an affair. The affair is a separate question because, why an affair? Why not a separation or why not speaking up about your feelings? What allowed you to cross boundaries with the other woman in the first place and then spend nights of the week sleeping at her house instead of at home and lying about it?
^^^yes this. Important to figure out why you chose an A over speaking up. Where else in your life, past or present, don't you speak up? When was the first time you remember not speaking up. Those are the questions my IC ask me about things that helps me reach the bottom, and a why.
Also, you say you fell out of love with your wife. That is a feeling. Why did you let that feeling rule the day, and not your commitment. Look there too. Where else are you ruled by your feelings and not your boundaries and commitments.
I find, that for me,that I found my reasons early in my process, but it took a lot of work to uncover the why. Does that make sense?
[This message edited by badchoice at 12:32 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]
Separated transitioning to D
Did you cross boundaries then as well? How did you act or feel married when you were away from home, or did you?
This is a really great question and I think if you really look at it you may see some answers here.
Also what badchoice says about you going with your feelings instead of going with your commitment is really good. As waywards we tend to be ruled by our FEELINGS, instead of learning that they come and go and we can be in control of ourselves regardless of what we are feeling.
No I did not cross the boundaries then at all. I will start with this question above, really dig deep and hopefully get to the why.
Better yet, you might want to read one of the best book for understanding the pyschology of affairs titled, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:54 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]
No I did not cross the boundaries then at all.
Crossing boundaries doesn't just mean talking to other women or flirting. It can also mean - did you start to feel single on the trip? Unattached? How so? If you said that by the time you were ready to go home you enjoyed the single life, then at some point in there it's probable that you felt single. When and how?
It can also mean - did you start to feel single on the trip? Unattached? How so?
Thanks Silverhopes, you have given me another angle to look at this from