Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: si2day (45443)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He wont propose because I dont view health as importance as he
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure I'll get plenty of 2x4s for even looking(if anyone is even still reading this drivel), but i discovered a phone I had in early 2012 and found some texts. And in the spirit of having it all here on this thread so I can come back when Im weak, im going to post some texts.

These are from Jan/Feb 2012

Oh and to the poster that said that I'm posting this stuff "and I was all this , and then he said that" - yes I guess that is what Im doing. I am still hurting. I am still analyzing. I am a thinker. I know I shouldnt be reading this stuff bc he is still occupying my brain. I know. Rome wasn't built in a day. Not trying to make excuses

Me 1/12/12

You have not been enthusiastic about seeing me, taking to me, spending time with me for w hile. Please spend your time with the people you feel enthusiastic abt. No hard feelings, not "jumping down ur throat" just telling you how I feel and the best way I can think to fix it .

ME AGAIN

I can't help I'm going to have a lot if stuff coming up in the next two months (I HAD WEDDINGS,BDAYS, I HAD A LOT OF COMMITMENTS). If ur already upset about the time we r spending on me, I can tell u its only going to get worse until this wedding is over. I guess we just do things for ourself on our own time since we cant seem to come to an understanding of how we do it together. If u could think my feelings were legitimate for once id probably fall over in shock. Its like ur never wrong, its always me. No matter what it is, im always in the wrong in some form or fashion. I know im not always right, but seriously...can I be wrong 100% of the time? I dont think thats statistically possible

ME AGAIN

Seriously, go do all the things u resent me for denying u of. And if u want to play the "no responding" game... cool, i have a black belt in that.

HIM

We are not even talking about the same thing. I am not already upset about anything. Do you think I'm offering to do things for you just because im a nice person? I'm offering because I want to, and because I know it makes you happy, and that in turn makes me happy. Same as what you would do for me. I'm saying that I've offered because I want to, but I don't feel like you've been happy. You're upset with me because I want to watch a football game, or that I have basketball on Wednesdays, or that I have stuff I need to do at my place which can totally be avoided if you actually stayed here like we have been talking abt. It's not about who's right or wrong, no one is trying to say you're wrong. We are simply not viewing the dynamics of what's going on the same way

ME

No ur offering to help because weve been arguing abt ur selfishness and time/resource allocations. You do more stuff and cleaning ard ur house than spend time with me. For the last 3 weeks u have been cleaning all week long except wednesdays. U even cleaned sat morning, everytime I talk to u, ur cleaning or abt to. You may disagree, but ive been watching and yes u spend more time cleaning than u do with me. (when ur awake) your place should be spotless at this point especially since "youre never there". And yes u are already upset!!!!! I said u resent me for doing stuff for me for TWO WHOLE WEEKENDS and u emphatically agreed that yes u were in fact resentful. Pretty cut and dry to me. Please clean ur apt, run ur errands, I wont be asking anything else of u. I had a funny feeling it would come to this

ME AGAIN

And wtf, im upset cause u want to play bball on wednesdays. Ur just making stuff up now. Incredible. Yes, please just think Im angry with u for wanting to watch football or play bball, or go to work, or dermatologist. Ur gonna think that anyways so theres not a damn thing I can do abt it. U must think im mentally challenged or something

ME AGAIN

And thanks for disagreeing with me abt ur lack of enthusiasm. Speaks volumes
IF someone said they thought I didnt want to be around them id fall all over myself trying to convince them otherwise. Anyway ive said what I needed to

HIM

Listen to how upset you are. I'm not calling you names, and I'm not starting a fight with my words

HIM AGAIN
There's no reason to get like that

ME

No YOU listen to how upset I am. Thats the whole point. You care more abt urself than me. Im like a broken record. I didnt start the fight, ur ambivalence was the catalyst. This is going nowhere...we will never agree

HIM

Ur calling me selfish? Youre right we will no agree

ME

Please humor me...how am I selfish? Because I didnt thank you "emphatically" enough??? Because I DID thank u!!! Multiple times. And I DO help u if u ask for it and even offer sometimes when u dont. U always shoot me down. I offered to go get ur clothes for u on sunday when u couldnt get off the couch. I offered to do anything u needed to do saturday. I offered to go to marshalls for u. Offered to make dinner. Offered to come watch u try clothes on today. And this is just in last 7 days.,I do try to do things for u, and have been doing so for more than a few weekends. I dont know what u want from me other than saying thank u more repetitively? Or giving u praise everyime u take the trash out or go shopping with me.do u feel u dont get enough of my time? U think constantly I put my feelings first over urs? U feel like I cant stand to be around you...ever? No. and until u feel that way u will never know what this all feels like.

HIM

Im not expecting you to say thank you of anything for that matter. I'm putting forth the effort to doing the things you want to do, but no matter much I do it's not enough for you. You're examples are not the way it happened either. I'm trying to meet you halfway buy you don't want to do that.

ME

Im sorry two weekends isnt going to make up fir years of focus on u. I would need to see CONSISTENCY over time. Two weekends is four days. U really think that if over a period of months I would see that ur actually changing and not just doing it to shut me up for the time being, then continue to have ur priorities the way u have been all along. I just dont get u, if someone was saying the same thing over and over again, id take notice. And I wouldnt automatically assume they were wrong. Then when I deliver on what they want for a short while, get angry that they didnt appreciate it enough. Point is ur always going to have a negative opinion of me. I cam never voice displeasure without preparing for battle. Ur impossible to talk to. Ur hard to get thru to. Ive said so much tonite and uve only addressed the things that bother u. No remorse for making me feel bad. Its cruel
Im depressed. Have a lovely nite. Im sure u could care less abt all this but it s ruined my mood and im calling it a nite

HIM

NO, you're the one that is focused on starting a fight. It's all about you're not doing this or you're not doing that. Years of having the focus on me? Come on. Ur right, this is depressing. Nite

ME THE FOLLOWING DAY

I dont know if u understand this, but I think its important you know. And I speak for all women when I say this. Even if it doesnt work out with me, youll know for future women. When you are working 7 days a week 14 hrs a day (HE DID THIS EVERY YEAR FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR - WILL GIVE HIM THAT HE IS A HARD WORKER), a woman who is dating u will NEVER feel like the focus is on her. It will feel like its on u. Which is ok , its ur work and u cant help that. But then when your work dies down, its almost like you have to make up that time to her to balance things out. I know ur disagreeing with everything I just said, but I felt it was important that I say that to you at least once. I hope you remember that over the years, with or without me. Thansk for the good morning text, I hope you have a good day too.

HIM

No it's not ok. The focus is not on ME when I am working, it is on my JOB!! And the reason people work is so they can provide for their families. So any woman should understand that if she wants to have a future with this person who is a hard worker and has long hours for part of the year, the hard work will pay off in the long run. It's not about immediate satisfaction, it's about life in the future. So when the work does die down, that opens up time to be spent together or doing things that don't get done during the busy times. There is nothing to "remember" over the years. It is a philosophical difference in the way we view things. You can think that the focus is on me all you want, but you have never worked for your own company so you can't understand what I'm saying to you. Not your fault, and not MINE either!

ME

Again u refuse to see things from my perpective. I said a woman can not feel like shes a priority during those months and would understand bc of all the reasons you stated. But when ur not working those hourse a woman would be hurt if the focus continued to be mainly on u and ur needs. And yes, aside from a few things here and there that is where ur focus has been. Instead u say we have a difference of philosophies. Ha. Not true, I know ur ex did not feel like a priority most times. And complained abt it to u. So we are both wrong and u are right? How bout "yes suspicious I can see why u feel left by the wayside sometimes and im sorry to make u feel that way after all ive put you through. And ill do my best in the future to never make u feel that way". Is that really so hard for you?
This has nothing to do with being self employed vs non. This has to do with quality time and being fully present and engaged in the act at hand, no matter how trivial. And putting someones elses needs above ur own. Isnt that what love is?

HIM

The focus does not continue to be on my needs. And no, aside from a few things here and there?????????!!!!!!!! You don't even realize what you are saying. This is why I say that you are being unappreciative.You don't know anything abt how my ex felt. Don't even try to throw that in my face (OH BUT I DID)I would like for you to show me appreciation by just doing the things that we agreed we would both work on. I'm working on doing things for you, but I feel like you're not doing the same and aren't very motivated in doing anything because you feel that what I'm doing is not enough. I don't want to continue this cycle until it drives us mad. It makes us both unhappy. We are already 2 weeks into the new year when we were supposed to turn over a new leaf.

ME

Ok well we both feel taken for granted. At least we both know how the other feels to some degree. I didnt really know u felt taken for granted. You always say im selfish and I never really interpreted that as u being taken for granted. But when u put it that way I understand more. When u say the things we agreed on are u only referring to working out? Thats the only thing I feel like im failing u on, plus not showing enough appreciation which I said id work on. But all of this is once again being turned on me and u are clean as a whistle. Can u admit any part in this? Or is it all my doing, all the time? I feel like im always bending, always apologizing , admitting fault, trying to make peace, saying ur right and ill work on it, asking how I could handle things differely. Ur so caught up in being right, u never give me any credit. Or do any of the aforementioned things. Like never. "sorry" and "what can I do to make it better" or "i can see how ud feel that way" are not in ur vocab.

And I dont understand u calling me unmotivated. Only because I havent worked out this this week? Becasue I did work out last week, and have been working out but not telling u abt it. I evem told u that. ive been very motivated and been accomplishing tons. So im confused bu that statement. Aside from working out and appreciation where else am I failing u? I wish ud ask me these questions sometimes....see this is how I respond to someone who is unhappy with me. "what can I do to make it better" not "you criticize me and jump down my throat all the time, and ur wrong abt everything u feel"



Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
whensenough
♀ Member
Member # 36700
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who am I to give advice because I havent completely let go of my situation.

When I first came here mostly everyone told me not to give WS another chance...

I did and now im still stuck on this same stinking ship.

I think alot of people who have been in long term marriages and or relationships want you to not waste anymore of your time or become anymore invested in something that has so much potential to turn out bad.

If you want to keep hope alive do it but do it from a far. If he truly wants you nothing can keep him away even if you appear to be moving on with your life.

One thing I can say is

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. I AM BEGGING YOU. IT SUCKS SO BAD TO BE INFINITELY TIED TO SOMEONE LIKE THIS. IF YOU HAVE THESE TYPES OF PROBLEMS NOW KIDS WILL NOT MAKE IT ANY BETTER.

Dont put yourself in that position. its so much harder to leave and knowing that you would bring a child into the world considering where this will likely head is not well thought through. you want to give your child a stable home with 2 parents even though im sure you could do it along dont selfishly use the fact that you could as a justification cause its not what you truly want for your child.

I can say that you sound alot like i did before i was even tied to this man by children.. but now that they are here its way more complicated. You will be wishing that you could turn back the hands of time and take back these best years of your life.

How i wish i didnt give my WS my 20's I could have been enjoying life for myself. Maybe even finding someone who truly loved me.

Time is so precious its the one thing we dont get back. If you want to have hope in this guy go ahead but dont let him waste any more of your TIME!!


WSO: 29
BSO: 27 mommy of 3 under 7, #4 due may 2013
D Day#1: august 25 2010 ow#1
D Day#2: jun 15 2012 from 7 mt PA/EA with ow#2
+ a couple of short term flings.
D Day #3 sometime the last week in march / false R Same ow
OVER IT ALL!! DONE!!

Posts: 222 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tx
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. I AM BEGGING YOU. IT SUCKS SO BAD TO BE INFINITELY TIED TO SOMEONE LIKE THIS. IF YOU HAVE THESE TYPES OF PROBLEMS NOW KIDS WILL NOT MAKE IT ANY BETTER.

^^^ This! And she is posting from her perspective.

I'm agreeing from the childrens' perspective!

Susp. You are not the boss of him. You can not make him see anything from any perspective that he isn't interested in viewing it from.

If you read outloud what you've posted here your ears would bleed!

Let.it.go.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May 9 - This is by far the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced in my entire life

Last night (345 am)- Good, sweet, loving times. Beautiful woman, even luckier guy. Never have I been more happier than the times we shared together. Never has someone made me feel more complete. Never have I fallen so deeply in love. What happened to us? Our bond was so strong. Our love was so deep. Our connection was undeniable. Why can some people make it work and we can't? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make a damn lick of sense. My soul has lost its once in a lifetime mate. And I don't have a single good answer as to why...


Still not responding but this is getting sad


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it sad? How much of that is true, how much manipulation? Read everything you posted here. Does it really read like deep love? A mystical connection?

It's romantic flowery words but the evidence is, he cheated then crapped all over you emotionally as you tried to connect with him.

If he doesn't have an answer as to why, then he's not owning his actions and issues.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:22 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11235 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah it is so frustrating "he doesn't have a good single reason why"

I guess he thinks I just lost my mind and left him


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah it is so frustrating "he doesn't have a good single reason why"

I guess he thinks I just lost my mind and left him

susp, kindly: snap out of it.

He doesn't think you lost your mind and left him.

He knows exactly why you removed yourself from the relationship, because you clearly told him why you were leaving him, many times, and you gave him many chances, all of which he dismissed.

His text to you doesn't bear any resemblance to the rest of the emails and text exchanges you have posted.

His latest text feeds in to the fantasy you had of a relationship with him that never existed, but that you really wanted to exist. He texted you "as if" that relationship had been your reality. As if you were two soulmates happily running through fields of wildflowers and planning a future, cruelly cut off by your inexplicable exit stage left.

However you know full well that this was not what your real relationship looked like.

You felt like shit about yourself.

You had to fight for the right to boil water on your stove without being criticized and engaged in 3 days worth of emails about whether or not you were going to tell him that he was right all along about whether or not you should boil water on your stove. That was literally an email exchange you posted here. He would not let you boil water without oversight, criticism and insults.

So please snap out of any guilt fog you feel for cruelly following through on your own reasonable boundaries for a humane, equal relationship with another human being.

My soul has lost its once in a lifetime mate. And I don't have a single good answer as to why...

Well, there you have it. He couldn't do even the smallest reasonable thing for his "once in a lifetime mate", he could not be faithful, he could not listen to you, he could not accept you, he could not let you boil water. That's how much he cared for or respected this special bond, this wonderful beautiful soul mate. And after what looks like 200 full pages of you pouring your heart and soul out to him over email and text, he still doesn't have a "single good answer". Because your words were all nothing, just 'blah blah blah' to him.


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2005
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suspi--let me share a text that I received from Sultan 2 days ago:
blah,blah"You describe me in the very negative ways your mind will currently allow. If we got it, we would still be together. We would of overcome anything. People have done it. We did not."

Can you see that there is absolutely zero empathy or understanding for the fact that he completely fucked up our marriage and how he still is, very subtly, implying that its demise is a *we* problem?

Reading the emails and texts that you post is like travelling back in time for me. The actual subject matter may have been different, but the whole tit-for-tat and 'hot potato' circular arguments/discussions were exactly the same. Exactly. He always somehow made himself the 'victim' of big, bad Gonna....when he was, in fact, the perpetrator.

Why can some people make it work and we can't? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make a damn lick of sense. My soul has lost its once in a lifetime mate. And I don't have a single good answer as to why...

He wants you to believe that he's sitting around, with his 'soul' in deep despair, trying to figure it all out. What a drama king. What he's really doing is trying to figure out what angle to take that will work best to get you back under his thumb. Ignore the drama llama.

I don't think it's a problem to re-read your old exchanges.....so long as re-hashing it is helping you to *see* the 'reality' of your relationship. It'll help to give you much-needed strength and resolve. But if you're re-reading them and getting caught up in how YOU should have responded differently, then you should stop.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gonna, I am not reading old things and wishing I said or did something different. I don't know what more I could have done. It strenghthens my resolve when im feeling mean or nostalgic.

Got a text from a mutual acquaintance just now "xweabf (my new acronym - ex wayward emotionally abusive boyfriend) is super depressed over not being with u"

I barely even talk to this person. They maybe saw each other out last night. Xweabf was prob wasted when he sent that text which is why it sounds different from the others

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 4:46 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweet Jesus, 16 pages?

Suspicious247....you really need to block this man from your life, phone, email, twitter, facebook, myspace, tumblr, and every other social media you have.

This man, does not love you, he loves the fact that he can manipulate you and get you to do what he wants.

He loves the fact that you bend to his every word, and then give in when he gets even remotely mushy and lovey.

Have you ever see the cycle of abuse laid out for you.

This doesnt have to be violent, it doesnt have to be physical...i can be mental and emotional as well.

YOU cant seem to see that because he's never hit you or been rough with you.

He's literally 'killing you with kindness'...

What you have together, its not healthy at all...You need to LEAVE HIM.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummmm I left him at least 6 weeks ago. Thanks. I'm sorry that my 16 pages seem to bother you, maybe ill stop posting. I unlike many on here , actually took everyones advice and left him. Left him! And I have not responded to a single phone call text or email since then.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 6:40 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suspi, how are you feeling today?

Want to commend you for not biting the bait of how sad he was over the lost relationship. MrWNW took that approach last time I tried NC. Had me believing he was just SO heart broken, so lost, nearly suicidal. I bit. Came to find out, he was SO heartbroken, yet same day I established NC, he joined back to a dating site, had added multiple old flames even one of last year's OW back to his facebook, was back to talking to women and looking for the next piece.

I guess we'd like to think they are heartbroken, even a little, so that it proves they had a heart. Truth is it's just more manipulation, sick, totally fucking sick for them to use that to lure us. So glad you were strong enough to see that. You're doing SO well!!!

t/j Gonna,

You describe me in the very negative ways your mind will currently allow.

I've heard it so many times. That and "your assumptions" "your perceptions" "you can convince yourself of anything" blah blah. FTGs!!!

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 7:28 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He works 14 hours a day 7 days a week for a future with whom?

It's certainly not to start a family with you anytime soon, if it all, because he has cheated on you since the beginning, and every time you start thinking weddings and long-term commitment, he throws another hurdle on the path for you to jump over.

There is a time limit on him, as well, if he doesn't know it. Studies of ADHD and autism show risks climb when the DAD is older when he has kids. No one knows why yet - might be old sperm, might be some other cause. If it doesn't turn out to be a biological reason for link, he also has a clock ticking on how much energy and fitness he will have to keep up with a kid.

Even marathon runners can be totally exhausted by a toddler or a 10-year-old in a day when they're 50 and over time, less patient and their peer group isn't in that stage of life, having already passed it.


I'd translate that last email you received to mean "I am horny, come over here." And nothing else.

Since you are 36, I assume this "future" he's working so hard to have is a child with some other fantasy person he hasn't met yet, because there is a limited amount of time for the two of you. If he married you next year and you had a child, he doesn't seem the type to take that situation very well without resentment, throwing it in your face and freaking out over pregnancy body and then never EVER being satisfied with your body again even it it's perfect again after childbirth. Because that's who he is, from how it reads here from what he says and does.

My opinion: I don't think he wants children even though theoretically, he would "one day" want someone to pass on legacy.

How does he see his future? Does he picture it going to the park with a little one; being OK with staying up all night when the kid is throwing up? Does he want to coach kid soccer?

Or does he see his future as working out, biking, running his business and bitching about salt, doing what he wants to do and you being old reliable?

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:44 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got a text from a mutual acquaintance just now "xweabf (my new acronym - ex wayward emotionally abusive boyfriend) is super depressed over not being with u"

Tell your mutual acquaintance that your ex had no trouble finding women to hook up with DURING your relationship of four years, so not to worry. He will not have lost the skill now that you're no longer accepting that behavior and have left.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:49 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((suspicious247)))

I am so sorry for this painful process. I want you to know you are someone to admire for remaining NC with him. I KNOW how hard it is. The "love of my life" could have been your WSO's twin.

It took me close to 14 years to see what his manipulation was. I always thought I was bright too....PhD by age 27...nice middle management job making over 100K/yr by 28......and lugging around 180 pounds of dead weight since I was 22.

The biggest thing for me is I loved him and I couldn't see that his actions didn't show he loved me back.

He cheated, he was nice, he was mean again, he was sorry, he wasn't sorry, it was my fault for being pregnant and "fat" (then I found out MOW was well over 200 pounds and I weighed 147 the day I gave birth and lost 20 pounds in the first two week post partum). I still believed him.
3 kids later.

I still believed him. I gave up my job and moved 2000 miles away from my FOO. All of my friends left behind. I became totally dependent on him and that's when the physical started......over a decade into our relationship.

And you know what? It was how he was raised, it was all he knew, but instead of trying to get healthy when given the opportunity he said Fuck that, I am having too much fun having a slave at home and sex with whomever I want when I leave the house.

3 failed attempts at R.....even another child born into this mess.....then his father died and he immediatelt answered a CL to have sex at a bar.

And it was my fault for "not being there for him" (in reality I was holding his hand and his father's when he died...I held him while he cried and I listened to him for days)but the chick at the bar "really got him".

Every Mother's Day he used to say....well you know I didn't get you anything....you're not my mother.

Well I guess my three kids under 6 are supposed to go shopping.
Ironically, all I wanted was for him to say, Happy Mother's Day, you are a great mom.

But I would never get that from him because he knew I craved words of affection.
He had to withhold them to continue his control. He needed me to try to be better for him.

At the end of the day, my boobs were too small and I was too skinny after years of being told I was fat. I was 110 pounds at 5'7" with the same size 32B I had the day I met him (he should have asked bigger boobs to marry him).
He was 240 pounds and 6'0.
I started the relationship at 120 (after 3 kids, 10 pounds less than I was in my 20s) and him at 150....and I'm the one with the weight problem.

I tried to rationalize with the irrational for years and SI members trained me not to. They told me that it stops when I want it to stop. They gave me control.
And now I take responsibility for my life and no longer allow his drama to ruin my day. It still hurts, but it does get better.

Take Care and I'm glad you are continuing to post and think this through.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suspi, how are you feeling today?

I am doing ok thanks so much for asking wnw. Weekends are hard for me - for whatever reason. Probably because I know he is out living his life going to bars and trying to meet women and I'm doing the complete opposite. I not leaving the house much except to go to the gym (which makes me feel icky bc thats what HE wanted me to do - but I do it knowing that it's good for me) I know I'm not the only one hurting but I dont buy for a second that he's just some heartbroken and lost soul. Well maybe the lost soul part. I like you, have done this dance before. After DDay and I ended things in 2010 he professed how bad his "heart was bleeding" and he was so lost without me. I bought it at the time but found out later it was all BS. He was dating and sleeping with some Brazilain hoe who was a bottle girl at a club. Real classy. I know everything out of his mouth is a lie.

Tell your mutual acquaintance that your ex had no trouble finding women to hook up with DURING your relationship of four years, so not to worry. He will not have lost the skill now that you're no longer accepting that behavior and have left.

I repsonded to that person that it was all an act and if he was so upset he would have listened to me the countless times I tried to get through to him over the past 4 years.

But I like your response better!!

I actually found a text right when we R'd We must have gotten into a fight and I was asking him not to yell at me anymore. This has been going on literally since the day we R'd. I was so so blind then.....

He works 14 hours a day 7 days a week for a future with whom?

I hear you. I think some it has to do with the fact that it's a family business and his two younger sisters' future lies in his hands. The family is very dysfunctional and all the kids have ever done is work for the family business. At 29, 32, and 35 they have no other work experience than that. It defintiely had nothing to do with me - expecially with me being the age I am and him skirting the issue everytime I asked.


My opinion: I don't think he wants children even though theoretically, he would "one day" want someone to pass on legacy.

I agree - he only wants to have children when it's coming from a place of narcicism. To pass of the genes that he believes are so superior to everyone else's.

How does he see his future? Does he picture it going to the park with a little one; being OK with staying up all night when the kid is throwing up? Does he want to coach kid soccer?

Or does he see his future as working out, biking, running his business and bitching about salt, doing what he wants to do and you being old reliable?

I dont think he even has the foresight to picture his future. I have seen him with a toddler once before and it literally made me uncomfortable watching. He was like a fish out of water. It was clear he had NEVER been around yong kids. I think He thinks he would be a great dad. Why wouldn't he? Hes perfect! And in some respects (financially) he would be. But I think his kids, should he ever find someone to put up with his madness, will be miserable. Just like him.

He should have no problems finding someone - women (including myself) are dumb. They see good looking, fun, rich, complimentary, like to shop, in touch with emotions - and think they hit the jackpot.

It wil ltake them about 6 months to see the real him.

I feel bad for whoever she is - she'll always get compared to me - just I was always compared to the one before me.

"I" am a much better woman than she (OW#1) will ever be and HE KNOWS IT. He knows he'll never meet another person who understood him like I did, made him laugh like i did, I am a quality woman and not a dime a dozen and he knows that.
Even thoght its been stomped on for as long as I can remember, I have a heart of gold that is irreplaceable.

And he knows that.


[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:26 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is the kind that wants what he can't have. It is a very ugly cycle to be caught in.

Yep, like you, I suspect the 3:45 am text was alcohol laced.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He should have no problems finding someone - women (including myself) are dumb. They see good looking, fun, rich, complimentary, like to shop, in touch with emotions - and think they hit the jackpot.

It wil ltake them about 6 months to see the real him.

I feel bad for whoever she is - she'll always get compared to me - just I was always compared to the one before me.

"I" am a much better woman than she (OW#1) will ever be and HE KNOWS IT. He knows he'll never meet another person who understood him like I did, made him laugh like i did, I am a quality woman and not a dime a dozen and he knows that.
Even thoght its been stomped on for as long as I can remember, I have a heart of gold that is irreplaceable.

And he knows that.

Suspi, I feel I could've written that myself. You're so very right. MrWNW has even stated that before. He said "YOU are the diamond, you always have been. There's rocks out there, maybe even gems, but you're THE diamond, my diamond. It's always been since we were 15."

Yet as of last week he was trying to sell me that he could find someone else to meet his "needs", someone else to blindly trust him, not live "in chains" with "a dictator". My response? Do it. -.- I'm truly, truly not scared.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suspi, I feel I could've written that myself. You're so very right. MrWNW has even stated that before. He said "YOU are the diamond, you always have been. There's rocks out there, maybe even gems, but you're THE diamond, my diamond. It's always been since we were 15."

Yet as of last week he was trying to sell me that he could find someone else to meet his "needs", someone else to blindly trust him, not live "in chains" with "a dictator". My response? Do it. -.- I'm truly, truly not scared.

Our stories are eerily familiar with the exception of a few things. He told me I was the "smartest and funniest person he'd ever met. He qualified it as to say that he can't believe a "woman" is so smart and so funny. What an anomoly!

He also told me I am the most beautiful woman he has seen "in real life". And that I am actually more beautiful without makeup.

He also told my my heart is so pure and he's so lucky to have me and asked how did he get so lucky to end up with me?

All while giving me silent treatment for asking about his whereabouts or 'not listening' to him when he asks me to keep the doorway clear etc etc. Or not greeting him properly at the door.

He thought I was so broken that he woudl never lose me. He had the perfect storm. Someone who was attractive, independent, financially well off, funny, and thoughtful. But also with FOO issues which made all of this possible bc I didnt think i deserved to be treated better. Most people who are good on those same aspects dont have FOO and abandonment issues and would not put up with his BS. Good luck finding another one of me!

WNW - I think instead of 180 you should 86 this guy.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:19 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WNW - I think instead of 180 you should 86 this guy.

That's quite possible. Major life decisions seem overwhelming to me at this point, though. The 180 is strengthening me, helping me stand strong, reminding me how valuable I am, how much I contribute to the lives of my family, my children, my friends. I can say at present, there's no missing him, no yearning, no dreaming. I'm in a good place. He's supposedly not. I'm ok with that. I'm not interested in rescuing him. I see through the BS. I still take him to court/appts/store, etc, and I'm ok with that too. I am maintaining my integrity through this separation. We are split, I just haven't gone NC.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Topic Posts: 422
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.