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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dazed and Confused
Greylash
♂ New Member
Member # 38777
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discovered my WW EA about six weeks ago. All she has admitted to is making out with him twice. Initially it was one time, but then she admitted to the second time. I'm terrified to find out that there is more, but she assures me there isn't.

Right now I feel like I'm stuck between parallel universes. In the one, there is the woman I have loved for 16 years, the mother of my children, who I could never picture hurting me like this. In the other is the true woman I am married to, who is flawed and human. I cannot reconcile the two yet. But if our marriage is to survive, I have to.

So here I am, looking for help.


Me: BH 41
Her: WW 41
Married: 14.5 years
Together: 16 years
D-Day: 2/2/13, then 5/9/13
EA/PA: 2 months (???)
Children: DD 10, DD 6
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Columbia, MD
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm terrified to find out that there is more, but she assures me there isn't.

The odds are not good about this.

Don't feel pressured to make any decisions about reconciliation. Some people take months to take up their minds. This is on YOUR timescale now, not his. BTW you say EA but it was also an PA. They made out. It was physical. Don't let him try to minimise it if that is what is going on.

n truth, she was always this person, you just didn't know. the big question now, is what kind of person would she like to be in the future, and how is she planning to become that person.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greylash. First off, breathe. Deep breaths. This has happened. You are rightfully crazed right now. But you need to slow down, take some deep breaths, and try to stop reacting and think.

Please. Look up in the left corner of your screen for the yellow box that says The Healing Library. Click on that and start reading. There's a lot of really great advice there from people who have been there and done that. Look at their advice and start to plan around it.

Frankly? I am so very, very sorry to say that your WW is probably feeding you a line of bull. You've already been lied to

All she has admitted to is making out with him twice. Initially it was one time, but then she admitted to the second time. I'm terrified to find out that there is more, but she assures me there isn't.

Well, in all likelyhood, it's been more than twice, and it's been more than "making out." Unless her definition of making out involves infidelity. I'm so sorry to say that, but 99.99999% of the time, the first "truth" you hear is not all of it, and if it's not, likely there is far more.

Here's the thing. Like Lonely Husband said, you are now on YOUR timeframe. You get to choose to slow down, make your decisions in your own good time, and not be pressured to commit to anything you have not thought about long and hard. You already know your WW is a liar and has betrayed you and your marriage. Now is the time that you take, for as long as you need to, the time YOU need to figure out what you need.

Trust me. Its worth finding out the truth. Its not worth sweeping the pile of shit under the rug. You may not see the swept pile, but it will stink just as bad and make a horrible lump under the carpet. But take care of yourself first. Eat, hydrate, and try to rest when you can. Emotional trauma is as bad as physical trauma sometimes worse in that because you don't have a cast on your leg and a wheelchair, people don't know that you're in pain. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4856 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm terrified to find out that there is more, but she assures me there isn't.

Gently here.

She is highly likely minimizing what has really occured. I got the same exact thing. She's deceived you, your children, and she got caught so her defense mechanism is going to be to lie.

Be prepared for the likely reality that she has had sex with this other person and that it has been going on longer than she will admit to.

See a lawyer as soon as possible to find out your rights and what to expect if this results in divorce. If you know the affair partner and he is married then tell his wife. Tell her as quickly as possible but do not tell your wife that you are going to do so.

Expose the affair. That is the best chance to kill it. Go stone fucking cold on her. It's also called the 180. Personally, I would file for divorce immediately and have her served. This is probably the most effective way to snap her back into real-life. You don't have to follow through with it but if you do decide to then you will be that much closer to being free of someone who would deceive and betray you and your family.

And, this is extremely important to ALWAYS remember:

Her having an affair had/has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage. People have affairs due to PERSONAL problems, not marital problems.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro its very rare that the initial stories they give you are anywhere near the truth. For me it was:

We are only coworkers, We are only friends, I kissed him once but nothing else, Okay, we fooled around a little one night while drunk. But no more. I swear on my kids there was no actual sex, Well we only did it once and he used protection, This is the honest truth. We did it a few times always with a condom, Well since you have invaded my personal space. Yes Ive been having an A for months. And we have had sex many, many times and I cant remember the details and if protection was used all the time.

I guess you get the point Im making here. My XWW could look me dead in the eye and lie right to my face. She could twist my suspicions into my own self doubt. I thought I was going insane with her lies and TT. I am many years out from my initial D-day. And to be honest I think I have perhaps 80% of the actual story. And my XWW was willing to toss the M to hide her secrets. Almost all of what I have is due to my own investigating. She would only admit to things as I uncovered more evidence of her lies. And only admit to what I knew. The 80% that I do know about is this. Affairs before, during and after our M. Serial OW who gets off on poaching MM. No regret or remorse. Used marital funds to conduct the affairs. Sex with OM (Thats other men not man) in my home, bed and cars. Sex in hotels, offices etc. I live in NYC with literally tens of thousands of Hotels/Motels in the area. She even slept with one guy in a Hotel on the corner of the block I worked on. I had to pass that fucking place and be reminded of what happened daily for 4 years till my company moved.

Now Im not saying your story is that bad. Shit, Im praying its not. But you need to prepare yourself for the worst. I wanted to believe it was a one off situation. I wanted to believe each and every story she gave me. But the plain old fact is that cheaters lie. And with each lie another piece of my heart was torn off. In retrospect I should have expected the actual worse case scenario. Investigated everything thouroughly. And asked her for proof of everything she claimed. Beware for secret e-mail accounts, FB posts, cell records including texts, call and pictures. If she is really remorsefull she will hand these things over willingly. If she balks claiming privacy issues. Well thats a sign she is lying out of her ass. Some folks here have even insisted on a polygraph to confirm what they are being told. Best to get you ducks lined up just in case. Statistically most of us never get the real truth at first. So be ready my man. Good luck and keep posing.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5675 | Registered: Nov 2007
Greylash
♂ New Member
Member # 38777
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy crap. That's some serious reality. I've resigned myself to the fact that it's more likely she slept with him than didn't. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it, but from everything I've read it's probably true. I don't think she's a serial cheater, though. When this happened there was a pretty noticeable shift in her behavior. But it bothers me a lot that I have to drag the truth out of her more often than she volunteers it.

Cliche, but I'm just trying to make it to the next day at this point. I made an aborted attempt at suicide when I found out (I have a history of depression). Now I'm just making sure I never get to that point again.


Me: BH 41
Her: WW 41
Married: 14.5 years
Together: 16 years
D-Day: 2/2/13, then 5/9/13
EA/PA: 2 months (???)
Children: DD 10, DD 6
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Columbia, MD
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've resigned myself to the fact that it's more likely she slept with him than didn't. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it, but from everything I've read it's probably true.

It took me 3 weeks after D-day #1 to finally tell my H - who had sworn up and down that he hadn't had sex with the OW - that I was getting tested for STD's and that he needed to 'fess up so that I knew whether I needed to ask the doctor to recheck me in a few months (for HIV, etc.). It was only then that he finally confessed that yes, he had slept with her (and actually, at the time of the confession was STILL sleeping with her, but hey....).

I don't think she's a serial cheater, though. When this happened there was a pretty noticeable shift in her behavior. But it bothers me a lot that I have to drag the truth out of her more often than she volunteers it.

Obviously I don't have any info with which to make guesses about your wife's behavior. All I can advise is that you keep an open mind with regards to the fact that very surprising facts may start to emerge unexpectedly. In my case, there was a second D-day where I found out that he'd kept sleeping with OW#1, and that there'd been two other OW also.

Could've knocked me over with a feather. My sweet, shy, socially awkward H....who'd only slept with 2 women in his entire life....managed to go out, pick up and sleep with THREE women within a month?!

Cliche, but I'm just trying to make it to the next day at this point. I made an aborted attempt at suicide when I found out (I have a history of depression). Now I'm just making sure I never get to that point again.

Are you in IC, or taking AD's or anything like that? I also have a history of depression and know how debilitating it can be. I have considered, but not attempted, suicide in the past. Please take care of yourself!! Your kids need you, and no matter how bad it feels like things are, it will do irreparable damage to them if they were to lose you in that way. (((Greylash)))


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greylash, it is a sign of strength and smarts that you are reaching out for help. Well done.

There is nothing wrong with hoping that your wife's affair was a one time aberration, as long as you are not blinding yourself to the truth. My WH's behavior changed drastically during the A, and it did turn out to be the only episode of cheating. I also honestly believe it will never happen again because WH is doing so much work to fix his emotional brokenness. I very much hope that this is the type of thing you are dealing with.

In the one, there is the woman I have loved for 16 years, the mother of my children, who I could never picture hurting me like this. In the other is the true woman I am married to, who is flawed and human.

This is how I felt, too . . . how could he be the decent, loving man I married and still do this to me? What helped me reconcile this dilemma was that all of his actions spelled true remorse--he actually is still a good person who had cut himself off from his empathy for me. Also, he did not have an affair in order to hurt me--he used denial and compartmentalization to block thoughts of me almost completely. He had an affair because he was fundamentally messed up.

Does your wife work with OM? Have you witnessed a no contact letter or call? I recommend reading everything you can in The Healing Library in the upper left yellow corner of the screen.

Are you in individual counseling? I would recommend it highly for both the BS and the WS, asap.

The main thing is that you are just at the beginning of a really long, painful haul. Make sure you take great care of yourself and your kids. I would 180 WW until she goes NC, comes clean, goes to IC, and proves that she is going to take full responsibility for the A, answer every question you have, and help you heal every day for as long as it takes (at least 2-5 years).



Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Greylash
♂ New Member
Member # 38777
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in IC, she's in IC (though how effective that is remains debatable, since she was seeing this therapist during the A), we're in MC (how do you all keep these abbreviations straight?), I'm medicated (moreso now), and after the moment of weakness, I have regretted letting this affect me like that. I will never attempt suicide again.

WW is an avid ballroom dancer - that's where she met OM. And she continues to take group classes at the same studio with OM, but doesn't dance with him or speak with him. I witnessed the NC phone call (on speaker), but since I know she has since had contact with him, how much does that really mean?

I've considered STD testing as a tactic to dig for further information, but I'm hesitant due to anxiety and general shyness. Besides, I have enough doctors at the moment. To make 2013 even better, it started with a kidney stone, then D-Day, then I broke my elbow while walking off an anger episode (tripped on a broken sidewalk). So I've got a urologist and a orthopedic surgeon, a counselor, a marriage counselor and a psychiatrist. My doctors' appointments are interfering with my doctors appointments.


Me: BH 41
Her: WW 41
Married: 14.5 years
Together: 16 years
D-Day: 2/2/13, then 5/9/13
EA/PA: 2 months (???)
Children: DD 10, DD 6
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Columbia, MD
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's where she met OM. And she continues to take group classes at the same studio with OM,

Condition 1. No more. Sorry about that, either find another studio where OM is not present or give it up. N/C is N/C. There are consequences for behavior.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2869 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
cuckhold
♂ Member
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her you love her and want to reconcile but in view of her affair and the lies involved in that, you feel that a polygraph is a condition of the R.
Watch her reaction closely. It will speak volumes.

Most never make it to the examiners's office. The WHOLE truth comes out in the parking lot before the exam.


Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
keptmypromise
♂ Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes...as the others have said, they lie and minimize what has happened and place you in the position of playing detective and figuring out the truth. My wife lied for years. I completely tricked her in order to get the truth. She admitted it to me, when we were IM chatting, and she thought I was another person. Stay strong.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
Greylash
♂ New Member
Member # 38777
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've tried to get her to stop dancing, but she's obsessed with it. I'm waiting for the right time to bring it up in MC, but the counselor has already likened it to hanging out at the bar after giving up drinking. It may turn out to be the sticking point that makes me opt for divorce over reconciliation. But I'm not there yet.

As far as the polygraph goes, we both know way too much about it for it to be effective. It's essentially an interrogation technique that only works if you believe it. I'm probably going to go for an STD test next week - maybe that will prompt her to come clean before some result equals the end of our M.

Otherwise, I'm not sure how I could ferret the truth out. For someone who always seemed terrible at lying, she's suddenly developed a knack for it in a hurry.


Me: BH 41
Her: WW 41
Married: 14.5 years
Together: 16 years
D-Day: 2/2/13, then 5/9/13
EA/PA: 2 months (???)
Children: DD 10, DD 6
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Columbia, MD
Greylash
♂ New Member
Member # 38777
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, everyone who predicted that I was still being fed a line of bullshit was right. I found out last week that she slept with him several times. And when I say "found out," I mean I had to go through her phone again to find out. And her initial reaction was to try to bullshit her way out of it. So I'm back to square one. She's owned up to sleeping with him five times, given me dates and locations. I still worry there's more. You know, fool me once and all.

Ugh.


Me: BH 41
Her: WW 41
Married: 14.5 years
Together: 16 years
D-Day: 2/2/13, then 5/9/13
EA/PA: 2 months (???)
Children: DD 10, DD 6
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Columbia, MD
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry brother. Please don't tell me she intends to keep dancing.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2869 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All she has admitted to is making out with him twice.

Sorry you find yourself here Greylash. Unfortunately waywards do have a tendency to minimize and lie.

My wife's affair went from two weeks, to two months, to 7 months, to the truth: 10-11 month EA/PA that would probably still be going on if I hadn't stumbled on her sneaking a cell phone call to the OM.

And of course, there was plenty of sex.

I sincerely hope that's not the case with your WW, but brace yourself for the very real possibility.

And you'd be amazed what some marriages survive. If you stick to this site, you will see stories that make yours look tame by comparison. Although it's not tame - it all sucks to the person going through it. But regardless of the facts of your particular case, if you have a remorseful spouse who is committed to fixing whatever it is that is broken inside of her, and you can forgive her, your marriage has a good chance of surviving this.

I recommend that you devour everything that you can find in the healing library (yellow box, upper left), and take advantage of the wisdom that is found on this site. It has helped me tremendously these past 90 days.

Wishing you peace and healing.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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