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User Topic: I figured out somethings
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Member # 15326
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of why I chose to cheat is because I crave attention. I especially crave attention from my SO. I actually said to him once when we were fighting about something that he "owed" me that person because of all the times I was feeling neglected by him. He didn't owe me that. Maybe he owed me more time but I made a dumb choice. Like a little kid who gets in trouble and enjoys getting yelled at because at least someone is noticing...This came up in our MC session last week. That's what the counselor told me. I was horrified at the time, but the more I think about it, the more I realize she's right. I need the attention and if I can't get it by simply stating my needs, I get it by being an ass. Even now, when I don't feel like I've gotten enough attention, I am a jerk. I'm grumpy and moody and just a jerk. I pick fights. I suppose it's a small step up from deciding to have an affair, but wow do I have a way to go!

One of the other things I figured out is that I have put up a roadblock in our reconcilliation because I want my SO to do something I guess he's just not ready for. I want him to admit, apologize for, and then do some wayward kind of work, that he cheated on me too. That even though he never got a response to those OLD hits and never actually went out with the woman he asked out while we were figure shit out, he cheated. He attempted to. He was unfaithful in his heart and mind, even if it was never physical. I guess at this point all I can do is keep trying to get myself to grow up, step up and get better. But, when I feel sorry for myself and angry, the thought of this makes me take two steps back.

"Don't settle for a spark...light a fire instead."

Posts: 165 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Harrisonburg
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Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of why I chose to cheat is because I crave attention.

That was part of it for me too. Being the youngest of a large family, my parents' attention was understandably stretched thin. Add to that, at the age of six, I was thrown into the middle of about 500 strangers (that was part of my rather unique FOO issues) so what attention was available was stretched even further.

I craved attention from anyone that would give it to me, not just my H. From that background came the sense of entitlement. I deserved the attention I hadn't had as a child.

It's a good start but it's only a start. The fact that you acknowledge and accept this about yourself, that you think any attention, positive or negative, is a good thing sheds light into the darkness that's inside us.

You can help your SO heal by accepting that his timeline for healing is not yours. You'll both heal on your own time. Don't push. When he's ready, he'll let you know.

BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 5891 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
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Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably fall into the "crave attention" category too.

What were the circumstances surrounding your BH going onto OLD sites? Was he done with the M at that time? Was it retribution? Is it just a matter of you and him not being able to understand where the other was at during that time?

WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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Member # 15326
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We aren't married. We have planned our wedding for this June. When he was on the OLD sites, we had just, I thought, decided to be monogamous and had said love to one another. He at first said it was his son that did it, then that he was just looking for relationship advice, and then finally said that he "wasn't sure about us".

Communication is for certain one of our biggest issues. I get mad, really easily. I am aware of how ridiculous a lot of my anger is. Even in the heat of the moment, I am thinking "dear Lord, this is so dumb!" I think I'm getting better about it, sometimes. Other times, not so much. Anyway, my SO is a "stuffer". He admits this. He holds things in until he just explodes. Recently, he's decided what my response is going to be in his head and figures that if we discuss things I'll get angry so he doesn't discuss, he just waits til it's about to happen and tells me it's going to happen. Which makes me angry...These are things we are working on in MC.

I think, Clarissa, you are right. I just want things to be ok, better, or what have you right now. It takes time and work and the healing just won't happen overnight. I guess what I'm saying is that I think the healing could be faster if both he and I are super honest in what has gone on in our relationship and both do the work of a madhatter. For truth, I am slacking in my in, I no longer have one and have not done much about finding a new one. My SO gave me a card to call someone. I just have to do it.

"Don't settle for a spark...light a fire instead."

Posts: 165 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Harrisonburg
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ICFI, all WS want things to be "okay" but one thing we have to accept is we cannot control the pace of healing for our BS. We can work on ourselves (we *must* work on ourselves) and help our BS heal but they will go at their own pace.

Another thing WS must accept is that the marriage/relationship will not be the same, regardless of outcome. By our choice to have an A, we killed the one we had. It's dead and there is no resuscitating it. However, if R is attempted, the opportunity to build a different relationship is there. One that's healthier since both partners know where the weak spots are, know what needs torn down and rebuilt and where the walls and windows need to be.

But one thing to keep in mind is, regardless of how strong the new relationship is there will always be the stain of the A present. That's one thing that will be built in no matter what. It will always be there. However that doesn't mean it has to be a weak spot. Through consistent work we can shore it up so it doesn't compromise the stability of the relationship.

As for communication, it has to be both ways. I understand getting sngry over what is essentially stupid shit and I'm something of a stuffer myself. I was taught from an early age to keep my temper under control. Which I took to mean I wasn't allowed to get angry.

One thing that might help you is, net time you have the thought "WTF am I pissed about? This is stupid!" is say it out loud. Just stop and say "It's stupid to be pissed about this." It'll break the tension and make you think about why you're actually angry.

With your SO you could help him by letting him know it's safe to share his feelings with you. That's why I'm a bit of a stuffer myself. I didn't feel safe sharing them with anyone for fear of dismissal, that my feelings didn't matter to anyone but me. That led to stuffing them then getting angry because I "had to" stuff them which led to stuffing that anger and so on. Vicious cycle which eventually led to a total meltdown where the stupidest thing set me off. Now, I feel safer sharing what I feel with my H because I know he won't just dismiss them as being of no importance or of having no relevance.

One last thing to keep in mind. R takes a lot of patience on both sides. Your SO needs to be patience with you as you work on your issues and repair your brokenness and you need to be patient with your SO as he processes this hell you put him in. Neither of you should try to rush either process. It will happen when (or if) it happens.

BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 5891 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 5

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