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User Topic: Do we ever really find out / understand 'why' affair happened?
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Selfish people have affairs when they are in great marriages as well as in marriages that have some problems. If the problems were REALLY so very bad then the WS would just tell their spouse, file for divorce, be over it, and have as much sex with as many people as he she wants.

But they don't. They lie, betray, and live their secret life. Why?

Pure. Fucking. Selfishness.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every single person on this planet has a hole of need and desire inside of them. Everyone feels that overwhelming emptiness at some point in their lives.

Some of us fill that hole with good things like family, friendship, hobbies, physical activity, fellowship, spirituality, religion, etc... Some of us fill that hole with bad things like drugs, alcohol, infidelity, illicit sex, over-eating, violence...

It comes down to ignorance in a way; a desperation, a self-centeredness, even a certain innocence.

I believe that the WS enters their M in this state to one degree or another (as opposed to the popular WS's claim that the M made them do it) after a lifetime of living and thinking a certain way, making poor choices, having poor coping skills because of role modelling, societal messages, peer groups, social class, etc...

I don't believe my fWS is evil, just kinda clueless and lost in the grand scheme of things. Now is his chance to learn a new, healthier way to cope, to think, and to handle his feelings. And to be a better role model to his DDs, whether inside this M or without it.

[This message edited by Knowing at 7:08 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 30804
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont' think there is ever going to be an answer that will be good enough to make me understand "why" A happened. I think I wanted a solid concrete answer, something that I/we could fix. Something that I could label and put neatly in a box so that I could make sense of it all. I have realized that no answer from FWH would be the 'right' answer for me to give me understanding of 'why'. In the long run, working hard to rebuild trust and feeling safe again has been the helpful things for me. At this point(6yrs later) I don't think i will ever trust anyone the way I used to but I can live with that....I suppose I was too niave anyway.

BS(me)-late 40's
FWH-late 40's
3 teens
DDay 1/07

MOW- WAS my friend,STILL my neighbor.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know in my situation his father passed away and then lost his job. His siblings at least four of then fell apart after that man died. Some had affairs one did not. Their father was a drunk and mean. I remember when he died and I was so surprised they were all sad because it was not secret that they all disliked their father. Well my so called friend new about the three other siblings and I feel she took advantage of that. I feel she liked him long before the death. She was playing him and other men in the neighborhood come to find out. If she did not throw herself at him he would not of cheated. He would of been in a deep depression instead. Well he was in a deep depression. I knew it I tried to get him help but he did not want help. What I did not know was every time I left the house she would see that and call him looking for me then when he finially got a job she asked if she could call him by then he was hooked. By they way his job he did get was horrible and about 50000 less then what he was making and now we are in a lot of debt. So with the money and the dad and her it was a perfect storm. We had a good marriage never really fought about stuff until six months into his affair. He was so down on himself for want he was doing he pushed me away and was sooooo mean. She was a sick person as my friend she would call me 6 to 7 times a day. She also managed to get mad at him when he could not get me and the kids out of the house. So they could hook up. He took all her shit. She was very much like his dad in a way. He was an abused child and she ended up controlling him. Until I found out. So his why was death of a abusive father, money and job. But knowing all this has not really helped me get out of this limbo I am in. I am so depressed that our marriage is not going to be what I wanted it to be. He is in IC so hopefully he will get stronger and better coping skills.

BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had this conversaion on Monday night. Tough time. He had to see her for a work meeting and told me about it Sunday night as per our agreement. I told him, I wanted a rpoert after the meeting about how he fet. Monday morning, I sent him an email to make sure he thought of me all the time during the meeting (as he hadn't done during the ONS). Monday I asked him how he felt when he saw her. We hada tough time, but finally finally got to the reasons why he thinks he did it.

1) He is a classic KISA, always helping any little lost girl. Last week, another work colleague asked him to take her shopping at lunchtime as she had forgotten to get an outfit for a hen night she was going to. He took her shopping and they went out for lunch. he told me about it afterwards. I told him that that was unacceptable. I know he is not having an A with this girl, but this was really overstepping boundaries. H said he had a car, she needed help. WTF!! he does this all the tim with girls who act all weak and defenceless. he thinks he is being nice and gentlmanly and helpful. We had a good discussion as to why this kid of thing can so easily lead to rouble, particularly if some scheming madam is eying him up.

2) He lacks self esteem and does not value his acheivements, his work, his life. he says he was a bad so and didn't care for his mother. This is totally untrue, he is clever, kind (too much perhaps), very highly regarded by everyone, well loved, but he doesn't believe i. When OW threw herself at him, he couldn't believe anyone could be interested in him (even though I was right there loving him and we had a great relationship - I thought).

3) There was an element of that he thought he could get away with it and in a sense he would have done if it wasn't for the OC.

Thing is that finding out about A has really hit my self esteem, so we are in the same position and feel we can grow together to regain our mutula self esteem.

Findingout the whys has really helpde me this week. I hope it is sustanable, but at the moment I feel confident we can get through it together. I think our converstaion about the whsy wasa breakthrough moment.

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H had many why's and in all honesty most of them were valid reasons to end our M not seek an A.

He had the A because he felt he deserved some happiness and he wanted to.

it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No why is good enough there won't be a " oh I understand now"

If its self esteem - you cant help them that's on them
( your opinions and compliments don't matter to them , outside ppl do because they feel those ppl aren't obligated to them)

They wanted to - well what can ya do , gross right it suppose to be you and only you they know that !

Selfish - of course you think if they put your needs first we'd be here no !

No good reason, excuse, and why will change what they did and if they will do it again because you can't tell the future and they believe they won't do it again and really all you can do is take a go at it and see if shit gets better or not sucks yes !

So even though my mind searched why everyday nothing I come up is good enough either I was in the same marriage and I didn't cheat , actually he was the one consumed with hobbies and had his career and ignoring me cause all his success at work IM the one that felt unwanted , ignored, belittled, my opinions were void ...yet I was there waiting for him to notice me.

I now think if he can't see how badly I hurt and what he's done and does this shit again I'm not wasting another breath ,making anymore effort to love him and will not cry over it because then I will know he never cared that seeing me depressed and unsure of myself and sick didn't phase him . I won't let his next offense phase me either I will find someone else better and he will have to see my happiness with someone else and our kids seeing around another man

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 1:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
♀ Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right after d-day his reasons were: we fought all the time, we had financial problems, we didn't talk, he thought I didn't love him, he felt like a paycheck..... I know I'm missing a few but, the bottom line is these are not reasons, just excuses.

After about a year he finally hit rock bottom and admitted he had an affair because he was stupid and put himself into a situation that felt pretty good at the time and didn't want to get out of it.

I don't think we will ever have a "why" answer that will please a WS. But, we can have an answer that doesn't sound like an excuse.

I always told him that WE included them so of course WE were having problems, I was being compared to HER.

Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)

Posts: 885 | Registered: Jul 2010
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because they allowed it. That is my answer. I am the BS. Can't remember what mine said.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC said I will never really understand why and that's hard. WS said he was selfish and that's a tough thing to accept. She wanted him and he gave in, no excuse and it pisses me off to think he didn't walk away or stop. It was only 7 weeks ago and is still so very fresh.

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 30
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