Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Taurus43 (44230)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Marital Bedroom
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of all the things my fucked up thinking led me to do was to defile our marital bedroom. This was OUR sanctuary and a place where we shared many special times. We loved our bedroom.

Now, it's a place of hurt for her and me. I try to tell myself that I have taken it back from the pain that I created there. But each time my BW and I are in there together, yet apart I can't take it. I know she is trying to cope with being in there but inside I know she is dying. I then start to look around the room and see all the things we put in the room to make it ours, pictures on the walls, things I brought from travels, the linens she made, and then I just want to die myself. How could I have done this and how could I have done this in our sanctuary? How could I not think of my BW while being in there with the OW? What the fuck is wrong with me?


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, that sucks... Wish I had an answer.

Have you both discussed redoing the room? Rearrange furniture, Replace mattress/Bed, New paint, new decor, new linens?

Won't solve anything but may make it less triggery.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
Mikey56
♂ Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered moving? Maybe a new house, new bedroom will give you a new start?


Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2013
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Reading this it just hit me. I have never wondered if my ex and my ex friend ever fucked in our bed. Kinda felt if she had no problem with his c98k the bed sure as shit wasn't an issue.

I still have the same bed. Perhaps Febreze.

Not really a thread jack. Just never understood why a room would be worse than the person themselves. Still don't. I mean, yeah, I get the pictures and linens but didn't your wife touch you and "imprint" (for lack of a better word) you? Don't you think about that when you're with her even now?

I used to. That was one of the things I felt the affair "washed off". The touch of someone that could inflict such pain on me. If I was going to fuck someone that didn't care about me at least it would be a relative stranger.

When I was married I felt "imprinted". Even mentally. I do with relationships period. That's the only way I can describe it.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We empower what feeds us, good or bad.

Caves, man it up. What other choice do you have? If you want to ensure failure of R keep worrying about the spilled milk. Have we all been there, absolutely. And we all have to choose to make the change. good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 878 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How could I have done this and how could I have done this in our sanctuary? How could I not think of my BW while being in there with the OW? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Is this helping your BW feel safe in the marital bedroom? Is this thought process helpful? What are you doing to help your BW cope with this information?

FWH had sex with OW2 in our bed. Lied and lied about it. Swore up and down they never ever had sex in our bed. But I found out. I told him to fix it. For ten days he agonized and stalled. All he could think about was buying a brand new bed, which we couldn't afford. He lost sight of the 100 things he could have done to try to make me feel better. To make me feel special. After 10 days I blew up and I rattled off things he could have done. He looked defeated and that pissed me off even more. So I bought new pillows and new linens. Cleaned the room, burned incense and candles.

He told me he didn't know what to do. All he could think of was the big grand gesture. The magic wand that he could wave and make it all better. He didn't understand that there is no magic button to push to make us all better.

Those little gestures are what I needed to see. When we finally were able to afford a new bed. FWH bought new linens, washed them, cleaned the room, made the bed so when I got home from work it was all done. The new bed was nice but it was all of the other things he did that made it special.

Don't get to caught up in the self flagalation, that you lose sight that you need to help your BW through this. Yes you defiled your sanctuary. Its done. You can't unring the bell. But what can you do to fix this. (remember it doesn't have to be a big gesture).


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4499 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him to fix it

How does he do that, really? If he bought incense and pillows you don't think you would have said, "really??? Incense and pillows fixes the amount of fucked up involved here?"

I don't know how anyone "fixes it" unless they fix themselves. If they don't pillows and incense will just be two more things you'll have to toss and become triggers for "next time".


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, so many things were tainted, including the marital bed. It was frustrating. What was I going to do? Get rid our king sized bed with the mattress that my ass hauled up the stairs by myself when we got it? Get rid of my house? Get rid of my son?

Sometimes it helps to do something symbolic and almost ritualistic, to help purge the feelings of "taintedness".

For me, it involved an acoustic guitar my wife bought me as a gift several years ago that the OM had helped pick out.

I went Pete Townsend on that f--ker. My theme changed that weekend from "Behind Blue Eyes" to "Won't Get Fooled Again".

This is similar to what isadora did with the changing of the linens, and the incense and candles.

Unfortunately your wife is probably going to have to come up with some ideas on her own that will help purge the taint from her life.

It will help her that much more if you offer her whatever support she needs in the process, including trying to work with her to come up with ideas on how to "fix this", if possible.

This is a rough one. Best of luck to you.


Posts: 6145 | Registered: Dec 2010
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does he do that, really? If he bought incense and pillows you don't think you would have said, "really??? Incense and pillows fixes the amount of fucked up involved here?"

It doesn't fix it. Perhaps it was a poor choice of words, but I was angry at the time. I wanted action from him. I wanted to feel special. I wanted forward motion instead of sitting there hoping the situation would actually improve without having to do anything.

Sometimes it helps to do something symbolic and almost ritualistic, to help purge the feelings of "taintedness".

Thank you losferwords for helping me articulate this better. (my children are draining my brain's lifeforce this weekend).

The incense and the pillows didn't fix the infidelity or even fact that he had sex with the OW in our bed. But telling me he much he wanted to buy a new bed and how useless he felt because we had no money at that point, wasn't helping me. It made me feel like I wasn't even worth the effort to try something, anything.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4499 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted action from him. I wanted to feel special

I understand that, isadora. I honestly wasn't asking that rhetorically but seriously. Maybe because I just don't understand how someone can.

I think that's why this post hit me so hard. I realized how little I really expected from those in my life. I have no concept of picking someone I feel will never betray me.

I don't believe that exists. I know only too well that those people are not "mine" nor do I want them to be. They'll be their own so will act in ways that have that as their core, even if by lucky coincidence that may be also good for me too.

I guess my gratitude at being here and my confidence in my abilities I developed helping with that makes me, almost by default, a horrible relationship candidate. It's like a starving child looking through windows her whole life that gets invited in to this sumptuous feast in a mansion then complaining about the cold coffee. Just seems kind of like blasphemy.

Maybe that's why my choices hurt me so much. As soon as I realized my ex was not a "friend" moving on was pretty simple. No "how could he". More like "oh, yeah, there it is. Next".


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the linens she made

It sounds like she put a lot of effort into the room - you both did - especially if she made the linens herself.

Would it help to envision the room in a new way, with new decorations? Is this something you can take initiative on? Different colors that bring up a positive spirit in both of you? Different decorations? Or maybe sparser, but each thing that's in there is indicative of PRESENT positive memories, things that happened after OW was out of both of your lives. And maybe it could be an ongoing thing, to add new memories.

Maybe, since she made the linens, it would help to pack them away for a little while instead of outright throwing them away. Let her decide what to do with them. That she spent time making them by hand might mean that now is a time to show the utmost respect for the love she put into those linens and let her decide. Does she want to burn them? Let her. Sell them? Purify them somehow? It sounds like your bedroom is a trigger, though, so maybe a big change would really help right now. To something very very present without as many mementos of the past. Something very post-A.

Just thoughts. As always, take what helps both of you to heal and leave the rest.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3880 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As always, take what helps both of you to heal and leave the rest.

Yup. This should pretty much be the disclaimer on just about every post on SI.


Posts: 6145 | Registered: Dec 2010
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, thank you to everyone for your responses. Initially I was just venting this morning and not expecting answers; I honestly think there is no magic pill for this one.

Here is what we have done so far.

She bought new linens for the bed right away.

We spend a day cleaning up the room and getting rid of all the clutter. We have done pretty good at keeping it clean. I even try to actually make the bed more often though it's hard because I leave before her in the mornings.

We did another round of cleaning today and further got rid of some clutter. We have a sitting room as well and we cleared everything from there in hopes of making it a kind of meditation area (because of the Yoga class we started ).

We could replace everything in the room but my BW does not think it will help at all. At this point we are seriously talking about selling the house and I have no issues at all with this. Keep in mind the OW also lives a couple doors down so the whole neighborhood is shit now. I told her I do not expect her to have to deal with the house and being in a constant trigger because of me and that I shit all over it. Today we discussed what actually keeps us here. Nothing really is holding us here.

I like the ritual ideas. I joked the other day in the car that maybe I should get a can of Lysol and make it a symbolic can with a label that reads Anti-Betrayal or Anti-(insert OW's name here) Spray and have her douse the entire house with it.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the ritual ideas. I joked the other day in the car that maybe I should get a can of Lysol and make it a symbolic can with a label that reads Anti-Betrayal or Anti-(insert OW's name here) Spray and have her douse the entire house with it.

I know this may sound hokey, but I have seen cleaning candles (different types for different situations) and bundles of sage to burn to cleanse a room/space, at metaphysical shops and perhaps doing something like this in a ceremonial way or tied to a good event might help. Such as plan a meaningful activity, a picnic in the park, romantic dinner, something that is meaningful to you both, then afterwards have a "ceremonial" cleansing of yourselves and your room, a renewing of sorts.

There are "methods" of how to do this online.

Again, might be to hokey for you, but might fit the symbolic gesture though and help at an emotional level.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3433 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
circlinggirl
♀ Member
Member # 37035
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS had sex with her in our bedroom too. (I hadn't moved in yet, so it wasn't our room at the time. Though we did sleep in the bed after I moved in, with our newborn daughter )

The day he told me I told him we were getting a new bed. We had one by the end of the next day. It helped A LOT. Whenever I would start thinking, "they had sex here in this room, in this bed..." I couldn't say that about the bed anymore. It's a brand new bed.

Perhaps that would be a good starting point to help your wife feel better? I know it was a very big deal for me. Good luck to you both.


Me- BS (27)
Him- WS (32) MajorTom
Dday July 23, 2012
PA during January 2012
In R.

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Oregon
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who have or think of replacing the bed. Did you replace the entire bed, or just the mattress set? I suppose it would be up to my BW as to what she feels would help her most in this situation.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
circlinggirl
♀ Member
Member # 37035
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask your BW what she prefers, but it might be a welcome gesture if you offer to replace the entire thing. Let her pick out a new one, or maybe choose a new one together.


Me- BS (27)
Him- WS (32) MajorTom
Dday July 23, 2012
PA during January 2012
In R.

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Oregon
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's possible, it might help to re-arrange the bed in the room so that the view from the bed is different.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Topic Posts: 18

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.