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allmessedup (original poster member #25265) posted at 2:37 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
The final total on how many pa I had is 31 now alone and miserable cant stand the thought of myself anymore. I cheated with her friends her enimies her relative with prostitutes and now face the rest of my life without her because of my choices. I wish I could have been a better husband
Me WH
BW bzkat
In the hell I created
Aubrie ( member #33886) posted at 2:46 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
How'd the poly go? Did that uncover any actual truths or more lies?
What are you doing now? Are you telling the truth to your therapist yet?
What are your plans for your healing/recovery?
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
allmessedup (original poster member #25265) posted at 3:34 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
Havent bren for poly yet schedulimg thursday when I get paid. Csat knows most of it will get the rest next time I see him. Dont know about my recovery.
Me WH
BW bzkat
In the hell I created
Mrs Panda ( member #27303) posted at 3:38 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
The truth is a start. You CAN be a better person. It is possible to get to a point where you accept you did these terrible things. Your life will go on...but you can make the rest of it better and honest.
Me-48 FWW Him 51BH
M 20 years,. Fully Reconciled ❤️.
DDay#1 Nov 2008
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Prior A from 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut
allmessedup (original poster member #25265) posted at 3:59 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
I accept that I did all theese horrible things to my poor unknowing spouse. The thing I having the most trouble with is trying to forgive myself for doing them. How can I expect anyone else to forgive me if I cant even forgive me ? I feel terrible everyday for the things I did to my wife even up to today I was hiding stuff from her.
Me WH
BW bzkat
In the hell I created
Unagie ( member #37091) posted at 4:52 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
I apologize if this sounds mean or unsympathetic but stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just stop and actually do some digging and work. Every time you come on here there is more you lied about, there is more you admitted. Can you just be honest with at least yourself and start working on you. TBH I feel you need to be alone for awhile to sort you out. Stop worrying about forgiveness and start fixing what you need to, the rest comes in time. Stop the pitying yourself and start doing something.
[This message edited by Unagie at 10:53 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 5:28 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
^^^^^ What Unagie said.
2x4 coming. You shouldn't be worried about forgiving yourself. You are far from that point. You should be worried that it seems as if you are incapable of telling the truth. You should be horrified that it seems as if you care incapable of telling the truth. You should be working on the reasons that it seems you are incapable of telling the truth.
Do you see a theme here? Yes, I am deliberately hitting you over the head with this. I want you to get this fact. We all want you to get this fact. It's important.
Tell The Truth. All of it. Always. Quit wishing for what could have been, stand on your two feet, man up, and tell the truth. Look for what you CAN do, to help your BS. That's a lot more healthy than feeling sorry for yourself. Look, I know that feeling sorry for yourself is a real human reaction. But you have got to stop going there and starting doing whatever it takes to help your BS. Work on your own stuff that's important. But start dedicating yourself to doing whatever it takes to help your BS. If that means being by yourself so you don't inflict new wounds, then go. If it means going to counciling and 12-step meetings every day then do it. But with all of the tough love compassion that I can summon up, stop the pity party and re-orientate your thinking.
Everyone here really does want you to get better. To be a better you. But you are the only person who can do that. We can't do it for you. It is completely up to you.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
cinnamongurl ( member #37879) posted at 5:42 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
Agree with both skan and Unagie. And one more thing, I don't think you've really owned up to any of it. You have lied to your spouse, SI, and most significantly, to yourself. Work on owning this. Its the only way you can ever get past it. Its a long, difficult, scary road, but in the end, I think it will be worth it to discover a more authentic version of amu!
Me:FWS 42 He: FBS 43 and my heart
Together 22 years. We survived infidelity. "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos
CG
5454real ( member #37455) posted at 6:13 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
Wouldn't the first step to forgiveness be honesty, at least to yourself?
The final total on how many pa I had is 31 now
Really? I'm not trying to be snarky, but is that really the total? Can you look in the mirror and say "yep, that's the totality of my PA's?" or will there be another 'but'?
Forgiveness won't/can't begin until you are honest with yourself. Not your BS, not us, but you. Every little kiss, every hug, every full blown sexual encounter. The number may seem staggering, insurmountable even. However, the road to forgiveness begins with one little step.
Honesty.
BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle
UnexpectedSong ( member #21761) posted at 8:47 AM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
31 now
What does the "now" mean? Is that the number your W knows about or the number you have been able to remember?
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
FinallyHappy ( member #308) posted at 1:17 PM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
Who cares amu?
You're a liar and a manipulator.
I wish we (SI) could get through to your wife.....in order to encourage her to drop your sorry ass, but we can't.
So keep playing your game, and she'll keep buying it.
If you CARED about her at all, you would have dropped this bullshit long ago.
OH.......so "how are you feeling?" 
I suspect that this has to do with finances. duh.
Just leave her alone. Or, preferably, file for the big D yourself. THAT would be the best thing you could do for your wife.
And BTW, you don't need to worry about "forgiving yourself". The concept does not exist in either the Bible, or in RL. You KNOW what you did. It's hardly forgivable unless you change. Grow up.
Life happens. We age. Life goes on.
"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none." ~Ben~
allmessedup (original poster member #25265) posted at 9:46 PM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
You are right I AM NOTHING BUT A LIAR AND MANIPULATOR. I have lied to everyone my whole life and to everyone on here and I dont kniw how to stop
[This message edited by allmessedup at 3:52 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]
Me WH
BW bzkat
In the hell I created
gonnabe2016 ( member #34823) posted at 9:54 PM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
Ok, amu. So, now....what are you going to DO about it?
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
OktoberMest ( member #34173) posted at 10:06 PM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
I AM NOTHING BUT A LIAR AND MANIPULATOR. I have lied to everyone my whole life and to everyone on here and I dont kniw how to stop
OK here's the thing AMU.
I'm not going to fire a 2x4 your way, because I think you're dangerously stuck in self-pity and it won't help but feed your unhealthy state of mind.
You are not "nothing but a liar and a manipulator". What you seem to have done is consistently chosen to lie and manipulate. What are you at work? What are you when you hang out with your friends? Do you lie about everything, everything single thing in your life? Is suspect not. but you have chosen to lie about really important stuff. Stuff that matters, and yeah, you know what, it's appropriate to feel like a arse for that.
Digging youself into a pit of depair and then shovelling more dirt in on top of yourself isn't helpful. To you, let alone your BS or your M. If there's still a M.
What I am going to do is give you the ONE piece of information that turned my life around. I got it from someone wise on here after I posted about lying...how do I stop?
The advice: JUST STOP.
Yeah, it IS that easy.
Draw a line. Do it for you. Every time someone, ANYONE, asks you a question; any time you say something in a conversation, run what you say through your head and ask yourself is it true? The say it. If you say something you know is a lie do two things.
1. Immediately, rectify the situation. Ah, you know what, that's not true actually....sorry. What actually happened is.....
2. Try and identify WHY you chose to lie.
I did this. A few times I lied about something, caught it and rectified it. NOT ONCE did anyone think it was odd, react badly or challenge me. NOT ONCE did I get a negative reaction. When I did lie, and went through why, it turned out I was either panic lying - covering stuff up through fear of consequence (selfish); or lying to fit in (poor self-esteem/self-acceptance).
I haven't lied in a long time. Around a year ago actually. It's liberating, nothing to hide, no-one can play me off against what I said before, no fear.
There's no magic secret to stopping lying. Just do it.
UnexpectedSong ( member #21761) posted at 10:07 PM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
Do you want to try answering some questions instead of just self-flaggelation?
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
allmessedup (original poster member #25265) posted at 11:24 PM on Sunday, March 17th, 2013
I want to answer questions
Me WH
BW bzkat
In the hell I created
UnexpectedSong ( member #21761) posted at 12:38 AM on Monday, March 18th, 2013
Ok. Is 31 the number your W figured out or is it the actual number?
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
allmessedup (original poster member #25265) posted at 12:44 AM on Monday, March 18th, 2013
Its what my time line said but I have corrected it to 26 because some of them were lies I couldnt remember what happened so I just added them and after doing some digging had to take them out so I can pass my test we talked about them and I removed them
[This message edited by allmessedup at 7:06 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]
Me WH
BW bzkat
In the hell I created
OktoberMest ( member #34173) posted at 12:52 AM on Monday, March 18th, 2013
Its what my time line said but I have corrected it to 26 because some of them were lies I couldnt remember what happened so I just added them and after doing some digging had to take them out so I can pass my test.
HUH?
Do you actually know what is true in your own mind? So now it's only 26 OW?
I'm not sure fiaxting on what will help you pass the poly is consrtuctive TBH. For someone so confused and adept at lying I'm not even sure how relieable a response is likely to be.
Is this need to do the poly because it's make or break for the M? What is the state of play with respect to that?
OktoberMest ( member #34173) posted at 12:52 AM on Monday, March 18th, 2013
Its what my time line said but I have corrected it to 26 because some of them were lies I couldnt remember what happened so I just added them and after doing some digging had to take them out so I can pass my test.
HUH?
Do you actually know what is true in your own mind? So now it's only 26 OW?
I'm not sure fiaxting on what will help you pass the poly is consrtuctive TBH. For someone so confused and adept at lying I'm not even sure how relieable a response is likely to be.
Is this need to do the poly because it's make or break for the M? What is the state of play with respect to that?
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