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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Besties
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss having a FEMALE Bestie. I had a BF in college, grad school, and a third for years after that.

But they all live far away.

I don't know that I could ever share my past with a new girl.It is too shameful. I am trying to build my reputation as a good an upstanding citizen again.

I really feel like only another reformed WW would understand. My old friends do.

Do you other WWs have a bestie? Did you make new friends after the A? Did you tell them?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had "besties". We were all toxic and feed each other the crazy we wanted. Needless to say, none of those relationships lasted.

These days, I'm more content to be alone. (Which is huge) But I do have a circle of friends that I talk to and hang out with. They just aren't the spill-my-guts-tell-them-everything kind of people. My A does not concern them. It is something we keep between me and Mr.

My "bestie" is actually an SI member. She is a WW and has been around since my beginning here. She is the one I can tell everything to, giggle about stupid stuff, cry about the ridiculous, and vent the crazy to.

Did that answer your question? It's been a loooong day.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:13 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have one BFF, who Ive been friends with for 22 years. She is very ethical, moral and has huge integrity. She loves both me and my H and is very smart and intuitive. I can tell her anything. She also loves me enough to gently point out ways I may be interpeting things, and gives them another slant.

Im a FWW. She knows everything about me and still thinks Im awesome.

Which I fucking am!!!

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 9:20 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And although I dont go around telling everyone I know what Ive done in the past, its not because I think they will think Im a terrible person (I actually dont give a shit what they think) but more that Ive learn't to open up only to people I trust, as people can hurt you with information you share with them. And the only person I need to be accountable to is myself. Therefore, everyone I love benefits


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know that I could ever share my past with a new girl.It is too shameful. I am trying to build my reputation as a good an upstanding citizen again.

So good upstanding citizens have no past? Then I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. Falling and getting up again is pretty much one of my top 5 criteria. Otherwise they're just aquaintences.

One of my best friends I met on here I'd trust with my life...and have

She's not wayward, though. Just Xxxxx.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very true UO.

And are far more interesting.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I losy someone I thought was my best friend of 19 years and yet losing her was freeing. I realize she was very "me, me, me" and when I finally needed support I got left behind and told she couldn't support me. When she did call me again I told her I thought she was no longer talking to me and my relationship was still my main focus not much else going on and she immediately made it about her. When I didn't immediately rspond as I used to she never responded and has not contacted me since. I do have 2 other G/F's one I've known 14 years and she is truly my bestie, and the other I have known 10 years and when she found out about me and SO she became one of the best friends I have ever had. Fully supported me in my working towards a better me and told me she always loved me like family and would always support me. I am currently living with her and its pretty nice actually, better then being solo after all this. But lol long answer to a short question I have 2 besties and no new ones.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2637 | Registered: Oct 2012
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long time since I have had what I would consider a "bestie". My one true bestie lives over 1300 miles away and is dealing with MS so we don't get to talk all that often. I have come close to having a bestie close by but she just recently moved as well. She knew a lot about me. We were both Al-Anon members, so she knew about many if the things I struggle with just not the A specifically.

HT and I have an agreement that we will not tell other people without letting each other know first. I believe unless you have gone through the process of R it is difficult to understand. So I completely understand your desire to want another WW to confide in. I think it would be great to have someone to be able to freely have conversations with, someone that can truly understand what the situation is without judgement.

On the other hand, friends take a lot of time. I already feel so short on time most days. I enjoy coming home after a long day and relaxing on the couch. I like being able to give HT and the girls my attention.

Couple friends are not exactly the best option for us either as my A was a double betrayal. I had what I thought were friends during the A but actually weren't. I find I keep myself at a bit of a distance these days. I am learning better boundaries and people don't necessarily need to know everything about me. I figure ill know when the time is right. But friendships are definitely more challenging since my A.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 613 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a BFF that I have known since HS. She knows what I have done and has been supportive. However I do miss her - we use to spend so much time together, on the phone and hanging out. But lately, I can feel us slipping away I know it's because of me and I hope it changes...

I love that some of you have people here on SI that you consider a BFF - that is just awesome!


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best friend I had prior to what I did is gone. The relationship was very toxic. I have dropped most of my friendships as I realized that in one way or another they were not healthy. I have a few friends still, but not really people that I do things with.

My friends now are from here, women that understand the journey from loss to healing, I don't think you can truly understand that unless you have taken that journey. I don't have to explain myself when something is going on, they just get it.

One in particular. We ride the same wavelength. Have from day one. Her friendship means the world.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4510 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talked to my best friend from college today. She knew me during the peak of my wild and crazy days.

She was the calm, rational one.

We were a good match.

We talked a long time. She finally asked how Mr P was. Fine, I said.

She knows about the A. But, like many, attributes it to "marital problems." She only met my BH once. Didn't like him because he inadvertently insulted her, and she being more serious, didn't get the joke.

She can't understand "the work" "the owning your shit" "blameshifting" etc etc. I have tried to explain once before to her...and I sound like a crazy person.

Me "well, it was all my selfish issues, some FOO, combined with a good girl complex, and lack of boundaries...etc etc. It wasn't his fault"

It sounds like fucking Greek if you haven't gone through it.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Lulu38
♀ Member
Member # 37570
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bestie actually went to HS with my H. She lives on my street, we became close when kids started playing together about 4 years ago.

I did tell her about my A after it began. She was shocked and told me I needed to tell my H. I didn't. She has been very supportive and many times has challenged me to see and think about things differently. She never just "takes my side", agrees with me or says things just to make me feel better. She is neither a BS or WS.

BH now has either very little or no respect for her and does not consider her a friend because she did not tell him about the A when she found out about it.


Me: WW
Him: BH
DD: 7
DS:3
Married: 9.5 Years
1st DDay: 9/17/12 Admitted to EA
2nd DDay: 10/18/12 Admitted to PA with coworker

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a girl posse - about 8 of them - that know most of what happened... my sister is one. When I told my best friend - someone who I talked to every single day for 10 years, she slowly dumped me. I got closer to the rest of them and realized these people did not judge me at all. They are still in my life. I could call them at any time and they'd be here. Most of them have NOT gone through what I have but they've gone through something...
and that's how I know, in my gut, I lost my best friend. She couldn't share with me that she was herself, a BS. And she couldn't be friends with a WW. I get it but I miss her terribly....

An interesting thing - only 2 of my friends know about my sexual assault. But all know about my A. I just cannot seem to talk about it.

And I have met some wonderful people here that have been pushing me in the right direction... I swear, it takes a village to get through this.

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:17 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4503 | Registered: Dec 2010
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BFF was toxic. I just didn't realize how much until I moved away. Before FWH A, we all were very close (FWH and her H as well). After the A things were difficult sometimes, but she had known FWH really well before the A, so it made it easier to not have to explain why I was choosing to stay. But she was very me, me, me. I just didn't see it. I listened to her bemoan her life or laugh with her and drink wine together. (even if it was over the phone because of distance).

After D-Day she was my rock. But as I healed, I got the feeling she wanted me to stay in pain. Then as her drinking worsened, she only wanted to hang with me when she was drinking (or so it felt). When I moved out of town this past fall, she made the trip last minute with me to bring some things we were unable to fit in the moving van and I was going to have quickly find a place to store.

But then she just stopped returning my phone calls but would send messages wondering why I wasn't reaching out more. And finally it all ended bizarly. I miss not having a bestie right now. But as toxic as she was, I didn't want to have to give up the friendship because she knew FWH and I before the A and lived through the nightmare with us. I didn't have to explain the history. I'm a little leary of having to cross that bridge with a new bestie.

ETA: I know I am not a WW, but on the other side of the coin, FWH confessed his A to is oldest friend as they were reconnecting. It was hard for him, but he did it. His friend (a BH) didn't bat an eye and has been a good friend going forward. He is able to be more open with new friends about his past and his choices than I think I may ever be able to be.

[This message edited by isadora at 8:08 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slight t/j:

The friend i lost was my rock at first as well and I know she was cheated on before but she seems to have forgotten that the man she was cheated on by she got by being the OW. He was still with his fiance but he said his fiance was crazy and horrible...I just remembered her telling me all this. So when I cheated she supported me but seemed more and more reluctant and then I dared to say she understood the feeling of self validation because its what she sought from men and why she was never single until recently. She jumped in and out of relationships constantly. She would say she just liked being in relationships and no one could judge her. Well she stopped talking to me after that convo and then I called and texted her and she never responded. She finally answered the phone one night around 10pm and apparently I woke her up and she told me off for waking her up. Then she sends me and email saying she can't be friends with someone who cheats and she couldn't believe I would compare us because she would never do what I did. Doesnt talk to me for months and when she finally does text me it was around Christmas and when I didn't immediately respond tries to guilt trip me saying she was in an car accident in my city because she'd come to visit some guy. I asked if she was okay never got a response and never bothered texting again. I have no clue what's going on with her, am still pretty angry at how long it took me to see that her friendship was toxic and once I told her what type of person she actually was and needed support so it wasn't all about her and her problems anymore suddenly I am a horrible person. She still owes me money because I would help her make ends meet almost every month and she makes me treasure the 2 actual besties I have managed to make in my life...sry my situation with her still upsets me a little. Thought I was over it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2637 | Registered: Oct 2012
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have one female bestie. She's been my bestie since 2003. She knows everything. She is my sister especially since my bio sis & I are estranged. Outside of SI, she is the only female that understands this clusterfuck of shit. We don't agree 100% of the time, which is expected but she loves me, doesn't judge me, and supports me no matter what. Oh and she is generous with 2x4's when needed. I have one other friend from SI whom I adore. Once we connected, we clicked and now speak regularly - almost every single day. She's been my rock on MANY occasions. I absolutely cherish her friendship.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't had a "bestie" since I was about 13. I miss having one!

The woman I'd currently call my closest friend was, 3 years ago, one of the casualties of my cheating---she, along with everyone else in my social group, had nothing to do with me while my XH and I were apart.

The other "bestie" I thought I had ended up being someone who fucked my XH right after D-day (and possibly before; who really knows?).

So I don't have the greatest track record with girlfriends. It's always been hard for me to make & keep friends.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a few besties that I've had since HS however sometimes it feels like I don't because of the walls that we have up - all of us are guilty of it with our own individual issues. Sometimes it takes a night of drinking and relaxing to tear our walls down and talk frankly about our lives. As long as we don't have our respective husbands nearby. As for me I haven't been drinking for obvious reasons..

Anyways, my BH and I did decide to keep my As a secret between us for several reasons.

1) if I did tell my BFFs, they might tell their husbands (very likely!!) and we didn't want a group of people to know. Also since we have a bit of a foursome of girls, if I say something to 1, it might leak out to 2-3 of them. I'm just speculating however it's not worth it. I don't even want to say to 1 friend (hey..can you please keep a secret?) It's affair behavior all over again and that shit is behind me.

2) He didn't want people to dole out advice to him especially if it was to leave me.

In my opinion, I think it might depend on the gravity of the situation with the As. If it blew apart my marriage and we didn't R, I would've run to my besties for much needed support and I know they would have been there for me in a heartbeat..


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 764 | Registered: Jul 2012
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a BFF from 1st grade, and we've been through so much together, she lives across the country, but we are still best of friends and always will be. She knows about my past abuse and infidelity. She would be the only person I could ever tell. She knows of it in general, but not specifics or details.

I have several other besties in my life, some local, some not, and I make new friends easily. I would never dream of telling them. It would feel like letting them into my bedroom, no thanks.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jun 2010
Topic Posts: 19

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