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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning, Tribe. ((((Tribe)))) I am missing so many. Deeppurple, how are you? Please check in! Old Dipstick, check in too, please. Miss you both!
In the movie The Devil Wears Prada, the bf says to the main character "the person who you are on the phone with all the time is the person you are in a relationship with"

This hit me like a punch in the stomach this morning. Who knows why? FWH treated me so crappily for years pre-A, during A, somewhat better after the A ended, but still not good. He talked to OW on the phone for at least an hour every work day for years. That is who he was in a relationship with, not me. Never would talk to me. Fucker!

When it came to information I really needed to know or should know and he would mention it in passing I would say "You never told me that!" he would insist he told me. I would say, jokingly sometimes, "Maybe you told someone else that, but not me." I maybe even said kiddingly "your girlfriend" sometimes, and he would get snarky and still insist he told me. Yeah, he was telling the OW what he should have been telling me. Was this gaslighting? I sure thought I had major memory problems.

This weekend FWH was asking me "Are you mad at me?" And, no I wasn't. I was being a bit aloof. No particular reason, just feeling aloof. He has stopped asking me how I am. Stopped asking me how I am feeling. Asking me "Are you mad at me?" is another way it is all about him, not me. He thinks it is all good. Doesn't think he has to put in the extra effort. Doesn't take the initiative to do anything for our marriage. Just happy to let it float along. If I take the initiative, he is all in, but never takes the first step himself. (This is one reason I know that OW was the driving force behind the affair. I have known this man for almost 40 years, I know how he operates.)

Wanted to touch on the subject that njgal and cat were talking about: THE RULES.

FWH had many rules for the infidelity.

1. Only talk to OW M-F during work hours.
2. Never get together with OW on any date of any importance. No birthdays, no anniversary's, no holiday's.
3. No writing any letters or giving cards. (But, OW started writing love letters to FWH. Wish I could have seen those, I am sure
they were doozies as OW is pretty stupid.)
4. No gifts.
5. Only hook up with OW every 4-6 weeks.
6. No talking about BW. (I didn't exist, OW knew I did.)
7. No hooking up with OW whilst I was out of town.
8. No hookups with OW at our lake house, home, or his Bubba shack.

I use to think these rules were about me, that he was being considerate of me. However, I now realize, they had nothing to do with me. It was FWH's way to make sure that the "relationship" stayed strictly NSA sex or the FWB's status. Fucker!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8982 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would never disagree with m334455 if you read my reply more carefully...

m334455, I do not disagree about a mechanism to avoid intimacy, maybe a ...

I absolutely agree that especially in the LTA, the WS is operating from a lack of intimacy or a lack of comfort with intimacy. The ability to trust, be transparent, and emotionally intimate is one of the things FWWs family killed in her as a young girl. She has improved at acting more intimately in the relationship, but I believe the discomfort will always be there. Just as I have learned to work on high scaffolding and swing stages off buildings, but I will never be comfortable with it.

As for the sex with her APs, that is one of the things I will never really know, but not really knowing seems common for BSs. In the fist months after dday FWW told me how last OMs c*ck was just the right fit to give her Os, and about loud Os when he gave her oral. Other OM it sounded like it was not so great and just a way to fuel the relationship. While we have sex more often now, for me the sex since has never been as good as before dday.

Gotta, you have found your zone. Good for you. Focus on the things that are important to you and let life occur around you some.

I don't believe it yet.

For good reason. Believe nothing he says, and dont worry about his actions (good or bad) for now. He had is chances, now take care of your father, your kids, and you. He may be better, but he also woke your DS up and involved him in this crap. He is not being a healthy, or good, person.

I feel at peace.

Good for you. Now that you know that peaceful place exists, you can go look for it again when life gets you in turmoil.

It took me over 4 yrs to feel like I did the right thing by R.

So maybe the next 5 months will make a difference in how I feel at times? I think the big difference is that NJgals H made some big gestures (AA 90 in 90, fighting for her) whereas with FWW it was 6 months of TT, 5 months of uncertainty, 2 years of her working through her issues. There was no grand effort to win me back, more a reduction in the efforts to push me away.

we start to think why didn't we have more self esteem to kick them to the curb immmediately?

^^^^^ This, exactly honest. I own that, it was my issue, but I have fixed that. So now the question is, if who I am now would have D her rather than wait around back then, what does it say that I stay now?

"the person who you are on the phone with all the time is the person you are in a relationship with"

This was certainly true for FWW and each of her OM.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:15 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sister!

I did actually ask fWH if the rules were loyalty or keeping her in her place. Since he is now being honest, he thought about that and said that those things were what people who care about each other do, and he didn't care about her. He tried to keep her in her box as much as possible. Things really became uncomfortable when she tried to cry, scream,and threaten her way out of that box. Much of the communication in the last year, which was the most frequent, was about appeasing her. He actually was worried that she would kill herself, not that she was in love with him but that she was that desperate and lonely. Again, felt trapped.

I had noted that there was never any contact on holidays or vacations, but during our last Valentine's trip away, that I had arranged and we met at a resort near our hometown, I triggered when I noticed that he called on his way and after he left. He told me that he was heading her off, because if she realized that he was unavailable she would flip out and harrass him. I believe him, since this was shortly before Dday #1 and I am convinced the A had long gone sour. I am finally becoming reconciled to the frequency of the phone contact. It always bugged me, since he did not talk to me on the phone nearly that much. But she is a BIG talker (again, something he really dislikes!?) and often he was going about his work, occ. saying uh huh. They weren't planning rendevous or having phone sex, etc.

Is it possible, Sister, that the amount of time on the phone with "it" was also not that interesting?



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds so much like my FWH. If we were going out of town or on vacation, he had to make up something about him going by himself, on a guys trip or to visit his sister. If she found out that he was going somewhere with me, she would go ballistic. The longer it went on, the more lies he had to tell her to keep her in her box. By the end, he was telling her that he had to stay for the kids, because if he left, I would not take care of them (nice, huh?) It is sort or remarkable that she actually believed the things he told her.

The whole thing escalated to a level of craziness that, in retrospect, I think FWH just cannot believe. It was sort of like the frog in the boiling water--she kept turning up the heat on him until he was just about cooked. He didn't realize it until it was over--and boy, does he feel foolish now. I look back on it and can't believe that this was my H who did these things.

I do agree that a problem with intimacy was the genesis of my FWH's infidelity. In his case, his first W left him and he never dealt with the emotions related to that and they all came out later, to be dealt with during our M. He recognizes that now, after much IC.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 19 years
DS-18, DD-14
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Aug 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible, Sister, that the amount of time on the phone with "it" was also not that interesting?
I am sure that whatever it said wasn't interesting to him UNLESS OW was talking about him. Giving him attention and ego strokes.

My FWH loves to talk. Not about anything deep. Loves to talk about his exploits, whatever they maybe. Hunting, fishing, sports, his job, his toys, his magnificence. Frankly, I am stymied as to what OW got out of this "relationship". I am sure FWH must have ego stroked OW, too, to keep it available for him to dump a load.

He tells me he can't remember what they spoke about. He does know that they didn't speak of me. OW tried to, but he wouldn't engage in it. OW wound up not calling me by name but always referred to me when talking to fWH about me as "the Love of Your Life". As in, "Oh, now you are going home to "The Love of Your Life"" after their short tryst in the hotel room or park. Yeah, I'll take that over the names we have for OW ie, T.C. (The C**t) or cumdumpster.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8982 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta -- Peace sounds like a very good thing. I am saying a prayer for you, your dad, and your family.

Honest -- Your post broke my heart for you. FTG.

ats - it says you are a person who was thrown into the fires of hell and emerged stronger, like forged steel.

(((tribe)))

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 12:28 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He tells me he can't remember what they spoke about. He does know that they didn't speak of me. OW tried to, but he wouldn't engage in it. OW wound up not calling me by name but always referred to me when talking to fWH about me as "the Love of Your Life". As in, "Oh, now you are going home to "The Love of Your Life"" after their short tryst in the hotel room or park.

My FWH said the exact same thing. Except she referred to me as "Princess" (which anybody who knows me would find laughable). Also, although FWH swore he resisted talking about me, she knew an awful lot about me, so I am skeptical about that claim.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 19 years
DS-18, DD-14
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Aug 2010
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all - interesting topic on what rules the WS used in the A. I haven't asked my WW what her rules are at all yet but I suspect that many are similar. Rules to keep in check are likely necessary to keep these LTA's going as long as they can.

In my case, after reading about all of your cases, I wonder what rules my WW and her OM1 used to keep it in check as they both were courting their future spouses during the LTA at various points in time. I find it a bit mind boggling on how much compartamentalizing that you must have to do to start and develop a new relationship that will lead to a marriage while you are already in a LTA. I've read so many stories here where there were issues in the M that lead to "excuses" for having an A. I obviously don't agree with the decision made in these situations but you can follow their weak thinking at least. I simply can not understand the thinking (or lack of) getting married while maintaining a LTA and I don't think I ever will. I think OM1 wanted my WW to marry him at one point in time but eventually gave up, met his future wife and got married while still maintaining the LTA. His wife and my WW look a lot a like too.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^ This, exactly honest. I own that, it was my issue, but I have fixed that. So now the question is, if who I am now would have D her rather than wait around back then, what does it say that I stay now

Ats: I believe that you stayed initially like many of us did, out of emotion mind. We wanted so desperately to save our marriage. We loved our WS. We were in fear of losing them and our way of life.

You are staying now from a different mindset. You are not in complete emotion mind in your decision to stay right now. You have stated there are a lot of practical reasons too. You have stated that Mrs. Ats lost her job and it would be difficult financially. You both have worked hard to get where you are today and ironically, I feel you have gained respect for one another for the process. And, in a way, I think you are still shell shocked from all this work and trauma. You needed the emotional break without feeling that you MUST make a decision NOW.

So, Ats, I guess you have to sit back and decide if this is as good as it's going to get? I think you know that answer. And then decide if this is good enough for you? As Ann Landers used to say," Are you better off with her or without her?"


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC has wanted me to write a list of all the stuff NPD has done to help me be stronger. I guess making the "list" of his "rules" before DDay is a start.

1. Make sure that everyone who knows about OW and OC keeps their mouths shut.
2. Hide all evidence that OW and OC's were in the house by having a maid thoroughly clean, although I found evidence that was gaslighted away.
3. Act angry to Honest if she questions anything that seems amiss.
4. Have plenty of excuses and lies to his whereabouts...work, meetings, who he was calling, etc.
5. Throw Honest off track with extra charm and compliments and promises of forever love and I would never do that to you, etc
6. No other rules. Our house, our beach house, our car, was for her use when I wasn't there. No other respect for my things, or for me.
7. Anyone can know as long as they don't tell Honest.
8. Talking to Honest about it would get threats from NPD.

WTF? Why did he stay? He tells me because of our sons and that D would have been devastating for them and for me??????


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

as good as it's going to get

I find this such an interesting / trigger type question to me now. Very early in my M my WW asked me this very question. At the time I was in the dark so I had no context as to what she was getting at with her question. From my perspective, we just recently got married, got our first house, etc - I was caught off guard and my thinking was Hell Yes!, this IS as good as it gets (said it in a positive excited tone). In reality this was my first clue that something was an issue. I am sure from my WWs perspective at the time she was wondering did she marry the right guy but of course I was clueless.

Now, I find myself asking myself the same question. Is this as good as it gets??? (now said in a questioning tone) - and I am left having to wonder if I married the right person. I think if my WW would answer her question from many years ago now, it would be very positively that she did marry the right person. It just sucks that as a BS we need to ask this question now at this point in our lives after we have invested so much all along.

When I think about my WW cheating on me, it doesn't bother me at all really for the actual sex that she had - I don't really feel cheated on for that. What I really feel cheated on is having to ask myself these type of questions. Not that I expected a perfect marriage with nothing every going wrong, I just never thought I would have to ask "is this as good as it gets" cause I've always set my standards much higher in everything I do.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - he wasted your time, your money, ripped out your heart, stomped on it, blamed you for it and then asked where his sandwich is.

You KNOW that this man is broken soul. And your proximity to him is just not healthy for you.

Most people dealing with the crap he has thrown your way would not be here to tell the tale. You are FAR STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for. Keep moving forward...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. This really hit home:

"the person who you are on the phone with all the time is the person you are in a relationship with"

WH & MOW spoke almost daily.
Rules were:
1. No calls after 5. (I guess he had to get into husband/father mode..)
2. Calls only to/from work phone
3. Contact only during work hours, except when:
A. He had to text her hotel room #
B. I was under general anesthesia
C. When I was sleeping post-surgery
D. She messed up his schedule once at called him when he was lying next to me
E. He asked her to send some sexy pics of her so he cld masturbate in our home to them
F. When I was away and he was missing me (ha!)

Rules also included avoiding certain sexual acts so that he would not be "crossing boundaries" or "really cheating."

Sorry for the vent. A year ago tomorrow they were having sex in a hotel room while he was on a business trip. He just left today for the week.

Triggering very badly all day today.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH had many rules for the infidelity.

Sister.. my stbxww had no rules other than to keep the A a secret.
1. They had sex in our home.
2. They texted on our anniversary
3. They met and had sex while we were on vacation.
4. They texted while WW and I were out together.
5. They had unprotected sex which could have exposed me to deadly diseases.
6. They talked about their BS.
7. They planned and met at different locations to have sex.

Her only rule was to not get caught! And when she did get caught, she lied! And when the truth was inevetiable, she blamed me for throwing it in her face. Yes, I was angry every time I learned about another aspect of the betrayal.


So now the question is, if who I am now would have D her rather than wait around back then, what does it say that I stay now

ats.. sometimes, I look back and think "I should have just D when I found out. No attempts to understand, no attempts to reconcile. Just walk away and avoid all the pain and misery that followed. And I am glad I did not walk away. I am glad that I tried to reconcile. There has been a lot lost due to the A, a lot that will be lost due to the D, and it was worth trying to reclaim that and build upon it. Hope is a wonderful thing, a beautifuly thing. The belief that with desire and work, we can make something better, stronger and bring joy to ourselves and the world. So if you are staying and working on your M, take pride and strength in your ongoing attempt to make your life a better one. It says that you are a great individual.

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! May your life be easy.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i second what allgood said!!!

ats: for you i believe this is "as good as it gets".....although she has shown some improvement over the years....is it enough for you, is it enough for the rest of your life...will you be happy and are you happy....at least content and satisfied in your life as it is!!!

the rules....

pfm had 1 rule:
"don't get caught"

and for over 25 years he followed that rule....he actually believe he would not be found out til he died!!! and then i guess he wouldn't care anymore what he left behind...most men would want to leave a legacy of honor.... ....i guess his legacy would be "the man who led 9 lives, with just as many women for each of his lives"....now to be fair, i dont know exactly how many women he has had over the years.....as i know some said NO ......

it truly boggles the mind, which is why i try really really hard not to dwell in that place anymore...there really is no point.....

thank god i am movin on!!!! yay me!!!

it really has been a blessing that i have needed to remember....that i am done....no wavering, no second thoughts, no hesitations.....and every now and then i recall it.....and of course the fact that pfm has continued to do stupid well is a HUGE reminder... ....

i guess as tryin would say, he shows that he is not a "quality man"

have an awesome day tribe and remember whatever life throws at ya, it passes, it all passes...but damn it would be so much easier if life stopped throwing some knives, some punches and lets not forget the all important daggers....and they all pass.....

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I really need the tribe's input on this.

OW's best friend is also friends with WH and works with him. She seems like a nice person and is unaware of the A. Her mom passed away, and today was the viewing. WH asked me to send flowers, so I did. Last night, he said he wanted to go to the viewing today with people from work, but I asked him to go to the evening viewing when I could go with him. We have always attended such functions together in the past. He said no because OW would probably be there, that he just wouldn't go at all.

Today, he tells me he is leaving to go to viewing with work people. I get upset b/c OW will probably be there, and he said never mind, we'll go together tonight instead. Five minutes later, calls me back and changes his mind.

I call him afterwards, crying, that did he not understand it would drive me crazy, that it would hurt me? He got angry, said he was at a wake for his friend's mom, not on a date, that OW wasn't even there and that I was selfishly making it all about me 'as usual'. Mind you, I haven't mentioned anything to him about us or the A in a couple of weeks. I've been trying to 180 as much as possible, despite the fact that he's been throwing straws for me to grasp at and giving me glimmers of hope.

Am I being selfish or unreasonable? I have been a mess all day over this. The mind movie of OW there beside him, crying on his shoulder, was driving me insane.


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night, he said he wanted to go to the viewing today with people from work, but I asked him to go to the evening viewing when I could go with him. We have always attended such functions together in the past.

DH - I am an oldie here and haven't checked in in a while but read your post and felt the desire to comment.

My H had an 8 year LTA with a coworker. When I discovered his A, for me to even consider R, all the old rules in our M had to change. One of those rules was that anytime I was uncomfortable with an outing that previously I would have agreed to, he would have to forego it for my well-being and the well-being of our M. This was put to the test with the death of a very special employee who had been with him for many years. Actually, she started working for him around the time we were married. This was a very difficult decision that I made but I insisted that we would not attend her viewing. I knew the OW would be there and I refused to be put in a position where just seeing her would have brought on the worst triggers since d-day. I am not saying that was an easy decision or that I did not feel somewhat bad about it, but my sanity and comfort HAD to come first. He had put my needs and comfort last for too many years and I insisted that if he was serious about wanting to prove his love and care for me, this would be an unfortunate opportunity for him to do so. (I did have him visit her H privately to offer his condolences and of course we sent flowers.)

You have offered to attend this viewing with your H. That is beyond reasonable and very generous on your part knowing full well that it will be very painful for you to be in the same room with the OW. Your H, IMHO, has a perfect opportunity to prove to you that YOU come first. His choice to do what he wants over what is best for your M and for you, again IMHO, is very selfish and incredibly insensitive.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just need to vent privately to someone who totally understands the position this unfortunate death has put you in.
(((DH)))

ETA - My decision was made a little easier because this woman and the OW were the best of friends and I knew that she had to be aware of their A yet never once, even anonymously, tried to contact me to let me know what was going on in their office.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 6:16 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have offered to attend this viewing with your H. That is beyond reasonable and very generous on your part knowing full well that it will be very painful for you to be in the same room with the OW. Your H, IMHO, has a perfect opportunity to prove to you that YOU come first. His choice to do what he wants over what is best for your M and for you, again IMHO, is very selfish and incredibly insensitive.

This could not have been put any better!


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decimated Heart: Please listen to what FnF is telling you and listen to me who has been gaslighted forever. Your WH is not choosing you and feelings. He is still being selfish. You are NOT being unreasonable at all. I do understand about being thrown crumbs. I accepted them too because I was starving for any attention at all. Any indication that my fantasy and what I wanted was real.

So many people have been trying to help me. They were seeing this emotionally abused person keep taking it over and over.

DS 37 said something that really hit home to me today. He said that I was continuing to go down a road with potholes, pitfalls, traps, debris and danger and then I have no idea where it is leading. He said I choose another road, that although it may be hard like the other one at first, at least I know where I will be going.

Thank you Allgood and Miracle. I have to keep telling myself that I deserve better. I guess I didn't feel I did for so long.

For me,now it isn't the A, but the continued disrespect, gaslighting and lies.

I'm really done.

And also feeling very hurt, but not devastated. I am so hurt coming to the realization that NPD never really truly loved me. I was used. It still hurts when I see my xWH#1 happily married and giving his wife what I always wanted. It hurts that NPD is doing that with OW. It still makes me feel that there is something wrong with me....

Sorry, just doing a little p.l.o.m. (poor little 'ol me )

Do I regret trying? I don't regret trying to R, but do regret that I took to realize that it wasn't working and never would work. I regret that I didn't kick him to the curb at Dday#2. Oh, well.

Thanks for listening.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cheer))) i am sorry you having such a triggerry time...remember...all things will come to pass...


(((((heart))))) fnf gave you some awesome advice....this is his chance to step up or step out i would think.....and if the latter is the case, take your time and do what you need to do to get ready for it...


((((honest)))) honey, you are so overdue for being done...i hope you mean it though this time....stop reacting out of fear dear heart and react based on fact, on what you know is true...and you know what...most of our ws's didn't really love us completely....they were and are incapable....you and i picked out some winners on this....

and as selfish as they are is as insecure as they are and ultimately i don't even think they love themselves...not in a healthy way....they love themselves with ego

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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