I want to share my life today.
My wife is the most beautiful lady today. It’s no wonder.
Every morning I bring my wife coffee. She always gives me a peck when I do it. I might just sit on side of the bed sometime to see what is going on today. I listen. I might give her a quick neck rub.
One of the biggest changes I made was to make sure I try to always build my wife up. I try hard never to be critical. I use many words to affirm my wife and I do it everyday. To approve and affirm you W and kids everyday is THAT important. I do it in such a way it flows in my normal conversation. I try hard not to criticize her on the phone, at home or everywhere. I try hard to never cuss around her or cut others down. I thank her. I give her not too many I love you’s, just the right amount.
My W fills my needs. It is her choice. I do this by sticking to what “I want”. She takes it as criticism. She can take it anyway she wants. I don’t argue or debate. I tell her what I want and she gives it to me or not. The more important that need is she does not fill, the more pressure she will get. It will be her own choice to change. I do this by sticking to what “I want”. On some things, I compromise.. if her need is that strong.
When she begins to get very negative about her job, I never try to fix anything nor tell her what she should or should not do. A critical mistake many men make. I just listen. I might sometimes try and lead her to a better place. “One day honey, we will be retired and I will look back at all the hard work you have done in great appreciation, I think Tampa would be good… ”
She calls me almost everyday before she goes to lunch to let me know what’s going one. This is her choice to be transparent. A boundary I once never enforced. She just thought I didn’t care. I might invite her to lunch or she might invite me. She comes home after work about the same time everyday. Should that ever change her plans, she calls me.
I travel a lot. Some day trips, some overnight. I bring her these stupid gifts for my trips. She laughs about them. Every greeting we kiss. I sometimes just grab her and make out with her at that time. I never forget V-day, her B-day and Christmas. I put thought in every gift. I never forget.
Most nights, I will pour her or she pours me a glass of wine. We will just sit and talk to each other for sometimes an hour, sometime 10-15 minutes. I always slip in nice words about her and to approve her and affirm her. When I listen very closely, she does the same for me. I listen. It is part of our natural conversation. We solve family problem at this time. I might compromise, she compromises. It is all done in an “matter of fact way” When it gets too deep, emotions start to be not good, I lead her out, I lead myself out.
Most times my wife will fix dinner. I always make a point if I am not busy does she needs me to help, chop something up. Sometimes in the morning, I will invite her to dinner at a restaurant so we don’t have to fix it, or I will offer to make dinner, on my own without her having to ask me.
When we go to dinner, you might look at us and we are telling each other stories, discussing politics, whatever. We are not the couple you see looking around at dinner in awkward silence. I try always to grab her door. I might offer to get her coat. I make sure I compliment the waitress staff on the fine job they did. I always pay. I don’t look around at other women in the restaurant. I will always slip something in to woo her. I take her to different conversations all the time. I try hard to avoid complaining about my job, and others. I am very good at staying way from words that criticize anyone.
And the hardest thing in any relationship is conflict. When my wife makes a mistake or acts in bad behavior, I bring on conflict in such a way just to let her know I want her to stop it. I don’t want you to do that. I am stellar to the best of my ability myself, I don’t do it, so you stop it. You cannot be a hypocrite. At first there are no consequences, they might be implied, but I will lay on the consequences should it ever get that far. My wife rarely takes it that far, she does not like conflict. No matter if she wants to treat me well or not, she is going to treat me well and she is going to fill my needs. And I have developed something about me that when I conflict, I do not criticize. It is always an invitation to join me. It is about me. It is her choice to fill my needs or not. If she makes the choice to not fill my needs, she is going to get pressure and conflict in the form a comment about reciprocity or consequences. It is going to be in a way to force her to make a choice. Either I am going to have to accept that choice.. or.. not. I have always learned to “reset” the moment so she will feel safe. That is super important. If you run away, you teach your spouse to run away. Don’t it. Take a break.. make sure THEY know you take a break but will be back with a new attitude. Be very careful how you conflict, it is that important in all relationships.
Yes, Nell, my wife is going to “submit” to me. She is going to open up to me and I am going to know her most inner feeling and thought. I take them all in both the good and bad. I work on the bad that is my job and I insist on only good from her, always her choice though.. She is going to submit to me because I submit to her. If she does not like the bad feelings or thoughts I have, does not want to work toward the better of the M, and me, there is not much I can do. I make sure she has a fair chance. By the time my pressure ends and I have had enough.. our M will be way over before that point.
My wife wants to shut down to protect herself and feel safe. I must then open her up and sometimes it takes conflict to open her up. It must be done is way so I don’t offend her or drive her back under her shell. I may have to say things, do thing to in a soft way, safe way, so she will open to me. I understand to be intimate we both must submit and both must not punish each other into silence.
I must think hard about what I did when she correct me. I want her to correct me. I want her to be a bitch when I deserve it. I want her to conflict with me. I try hard to think about what I did and I apologize. As much I might defend my actions for good reason, must understand her reasons. But, I must always think about this… just because one person does it one way, everything can be done differently. Just because one way is better than the other, the end result may be the same. Sometimes, it should not matter.
My wife is a conflict avoider like most folks. I sometimes bring the conflict out of her much like I have done with you fine folks. I sometimes do it with more loving ways. I do it so she can be most intimate with me. I must never fear knowing her inner thoughts and feelings. I want her to “submit” to me her greatest fears, her inner feelings, so I may then behave in the most loving way. I want her to be open so I try to avoid shutting her down and know sometimes it takes some uncomfortable conversation to open her up.
I do my part around the house that includes more than just cooking dinner. I try hard to just empty the trash without her asking. If I spill something on the floor, I sweep it up, I don’t wait for her to be my maid. I do my own chores around the house. I respect my wife not only in this way and I don’t tell her how she should do her job, how to handle others, I let her decide on her own to do her own thing. My wife is not my slave. But I must always do my job first. I finish things when I start. I don’t leave things undone.
I am not her pool boy. If I am doing my chores, I expect her to do hers. She should not expect I jump at her beckoning call. She must sometimes do it herself.
I let her have girl friends. I understand woman need to have GF to discuss housewife of LA things. That fulfills whatever that need most every woman has. If you woman does not have GF, you have a problem. A woman needs other woman GF.
I avoid addictions. I try not to fall into the pressure other place on me to get caught in that trap. I make those people not part of my life. I will not accept my kids, my wife or any friend being a drunk. The will feel pressure from me, I will try and help them free themselves for that addiction, but I don’t accept it, not one bit! Sure, I will feel pain eliminating those from my life, but addicted people will bring YOU down.
I take the pain. I cry on my own (it’s been awhile) and do not call myself a baby. I know it is good for our brains. I cry for others. I understand pain. I share my pain with those who want to be intimate with me. But never share my pain to my W to make them feel guilty. It gets to a point where it is not attractive. I am just beyond that point. That took a long time. I try to never tell people how they should feel. Not my W, not my kids, not my friends.
Pain is part of life. It is a given. I will face more pain in my life and I will take it like a man. I will get sick and die one day. I am at peace with it. People I care about will die. I can love myself enough to protect myself from others who may cause me pain.
I try my best to be positive. To see the good in evil is not easy for me. My positive is to dig deep and eliminate evil from my world. I do it with a plan. I build my courage in steps to execute the plan. I accept the things I cannot change and accept that with time my plan will be executed. Once I eliminate the evil from my world, I do not let that evil back in. I walk away for that evil. I see evil as an opportunity to improve my life, not take me down further. I pull myself out of evil with actions, I do not stand still. I can say this today because I have become a different man. I have looked enough at myself to know I was not what I should be. When I met my wife, she was always nice, caring, loving, and was lost in her own way too for horrible things that happen to her. It does not matter what happen to her, she is part of my world now. I can’t undo her past nor our past. I can only work on now.
My W lets me do man things. She is not going to take away the thing I enjoy. I insist on it. Fishing, golfing.. sports. An I let her do her woman things.
We do many things together. I try to mix things up every month to do something new and different. We might to game, we might go to a play, we might go to a movie, we might go to a comedy club, we might go to the casino, etc. I make myself interesting. Sometimes the best things are the things that turn out not so pleasant but this can bring funny memories to both laugh about. I try hard to keep her young. We are around others that are fun.
I work and make a good wage. I try hard not to complain about problems at work, but I will share the stories at work. I never place my work in front of my wife. I NEVER PLACE MY WORK in front of important things going on with my wife despite her saying..Go ahead.
I pay attention when she is sick. I am there for her by offering to be there when she has even minor things. I offer to take her to the doctor. I check on her. I touch her. I am there if she needs me.
I make a point to romance my wife. It might start in the morning or lunch. It might be a sexy story. I might be with a funny toy and joke. It might be with a long make-out kiss teasing her. A woman needs us to make out with her. I think it takes about 4-5 seconds for a chemical to be released. I give her time to settle down after coming home, but I keep her interested. I flirt. If she rejects my invitation, I always invite, I try hard not be disappointed, because I know she will give me sex anther day soon. I might just ravisher her sometimes. I never trade for sex, I never accept a limp dead blow up doll. I have stopped in the middle. I tell her want I want and how to do it. I accept a push back when she is not in the mood. If she ever chooses not to give me her sex, I look at ME first. Am I being romantic enough, am I giving enough. I understand I need sex and my wife really needs it only when I need it. That is usually with every woman.
At very rare times, my W will romance me, if she does not finish what she started, I finish it. I know as a man I must initiate. My wife is not an initiator. I am ok with that.
I give to charity and serve my community by serving on Boards of Directors. I give my talent to those men in need of help with damage relationship. I earn my respect from my W because she sees me for helping others. I try to be a model man in our society. I earn my W’s respect enough she comes to me for advice. I take my W’s advice.
I touch my wife often whether she knows it or not. It might be my hand gliding across her back. It is a hug. It is my hip glancing by her. It is a kiss. A back rub free expecting nothing in return many times.
Yes UK, I have forgiven my W. I forgive her my never making her feel guilty. I try hard never to reminder of her failures. I try hard to keep this bad within myself. I do this so SHE does not disqualify herself from giving to me. My best friend is usually my vent and he is a friend of my M, not an enemy. And, I let go the bitterness. It’s a so what attitude. I have the power within myself after the process of months and months of trying hard not to make my wife feel guilty, to now know that pain and keep now control within. It is not hard these days. I can easily take my mind to another place. It is my brain, not anyone else. It came with continued focus on ME and my own behaviors.
When my wife is successful at anything, I make sure I recognize her. I recognize my adult kids. I recognize my W’s family’s accomplishments. I recognize her friend’s successes. My friends, my co-workers.
I try and make my wife laugh. I’ll tell her funny stories that happened to me, others, share a joke.
I don’t waste my money. I don’t buy play things I cannot afford. I have a personal responsibility to my kids, my W, my way of life. I fight hard never to over-extend myself. I have never done it. It cost me extra to protect myself with insurance to avoid disasters. I pay it and sacrifice things many people think are more important. I respect my W needing her play things. I don’t allow her to spend our money we cannot afford. I expect my W to control my own greed at any expense of our M or family. I am completely transparent in our wealth. I seek input on how we invest from my W. I expect her to contribute for our future. I give our money to help others. I give it is such a way I feel it will be best used to better others. I expect others to respect my gifts.
I have had people steal $10,000’s from me no different then my W stealing love from me. I take personal responsibility for that happening and have changed myself to understand risk. I mitigate those risk. I take preventive measures. I know bad things happen in life. With risk can come failure, but also great reward sometimes. I spend extra time calculating those risks in both my business and personal life. Once I make the choice, I leave it in God’s hands. I can only control the choices and decision I make.
I try hard to give my employer what they need to make money. I try to do the best job and balance my own personal happiness along with that. I take criticism because that is what business managers do. I try and give them what they want to the best of my ability. I owe that to my family and my W.
I dress nice on many occasions. I went and bought a man cologne to wear on special occasion. Sometimes, I wear a jacket just to out-dress other men. I make myself above other men.
No, I don’t track my W. My own boundaries protect me. I am keenly aware when I am not being loved and I address it. Plus, If she wants to go down that path again, so what. I will hurt for a short time only. Nobody want a chip implanted in their own body and be tracked. I know I need my freedom, and I respect my W’s own personal freedom.
I believe in a higher power. I am not afraid to grab my W’s hand and say an occasional prayer. I respect her faith no matter how strong or weak. I am not pushy in my faith. It is the right amount.
And the most import part of all the above is.. YOU must do the above day in and day out. YOU must be consistent. Not so easy as I have tried for about a year now.
I leave all change up to my W. I do not try and fix her. She is invited to join all that I give to her. This is all her choice. I must be attractive and that is all I can do. If I am doing the best of my ability, that is all I can do. I don’t fault her for choosing her own path in life. It is her life, not mine. She can join me or not.
My ego is a belief. My ego ends my grief. Life is full of good and bad. Nice and mean. Accidents and intent. I take full responsibility for my own actions and that is all I can do. I can only control the things I do, not others. All the things I do in life are the consequences of my own personal decisions, whether I was aware of them or not. And if life does not go according to plan, such is life. I continue to move on not allowing myself to fall into depression and stay in grief. I end it.
I know this about me and many others who have helped my outside this forum. YOU become quality, your feelings will resolve themselves. I repeat, you be quality, your grief will end, your feelings will resolve themselves. You might have fear, but you will have courage, confidence and know your good will always come. Attractive people attract other attractive people. So therefore, beyond all else, you must be attractive.
Can you see how you can empower yourself and leave the bitterness behind you?
I don’t need my W. I can be happy on my own. I can also pick thousands of different women who would love to have the man I describe above. I am confident and very well schooled beyond what my parents taught me. And I am sure I have a few more things to learn. Execution really is the hard part.
If my W wants to join who I am today.. Fine come join me. It is the gift I give her and my children. This is no mask I wear like everyone wears during courtship. This is now burned into me. And she knows today, I no longer accept mediocrity and just accept unloving behaviors. I am going to be in a MUTUALLY loving, caring, giving, intimate and sexual M.
I attribute my working on myself ended up resolving my feelings.