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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if she was a full time mom, and a hands on mom

Miracle.. yes (sorta) and yes. She was full time mom when kids were in elementary school and worked part time after that in her profession. Hands on, absolutely. We both are family centric. My oldest is in college and the two at home are in high school so the needs are much different today.


H&C: Have you decided what you would do with the marital home after the kids are older? Are you going to sell and split the proceeds when the kids get to a certain age? This can have a bearing on who stays and who goes. Also, you may want to ask the kids what they would prefer. It's a difficult thing, but they are in HS and may want to have a say in what is going on. For the kids, it's best that there will be the least disruption to their everyday lives. It's terrible that the WS can do what they did and then seem like they get "rewarded" for their deeds.

Honest.. the short answer is no. We have not agreed on custody and support. Both influence whether I stay, she stays or we sell. My kids do not want to choose mom or dad and they do not want two homes. The youngest will be off to college in three years so the time is relatively short.

My current thoughts, and they change daily, is that I would stay in the home until the youngest goes to college. W would buy a place of her own with the kids saying with her during the week which I belive they would be comfortable doing. And the kids could hang out with me on the weekends with all the surroundings that they are accostomed.

Keeping the home keeps DS in the same HS and does not require W to buy home within the assigned area. More flexibility.

I am thinking that this will go a long way towards solving the custody and financial issues. The kids will have a place that they want to come back to and W will be able to choose a more affordable place to live.

Today, we went and saw a Certified Divorce Financial Planner. Positive is that it will help W understand some of the finances she will face avoid the h&c took advantage of me. Negative is that the CDFP presented the perspective that our future financial state should be equal Advice to you great ladies heading to D - get your WS to a CDFP and use the CDFA to coax your WS into a better settlement. You deserve everything you can get.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I wish I was strong. I was all prepared for the 180 when he got home today. It didn't work. As soon as he opened his mouth with the lies I totally lost it on him. All my pent up anger at his rug sweeping and lies got the better of me. I didn't hit him, but I did throw coke in his face, and on the ceiling, and on the floor, and on...You get the picture. My words were not in the least calm or respectful of his feelings and I flat didn't care and still don't. I really wanted to slap him upside his head, but instead I left and went to a GF's house for a few hours to calm down and pull myself together. He said a few words about the dog being feed, but that was it when I got home and he went to the guest bedroom (he has to work tomorrow or go screw, not sure which and no longer care. I let him know he can leave and be with his whore and that I no longer loved him and no longer wanted him in my life. I have since been totally NC after I got home. I have said what I needed to say and hopefully he gets that I am finished with him, but as dense as he is, I am sure I will have to repeat it again. I wished he would just leave already and let me live my life in peace, but I know he will try to talk his way out of it again. I no longer care what he does. I didn't mention he is going to lose his job, I'll let that be my little secret for now. I also didn't mention what I knew, but he figured it out on his own. Of couse she texted him and he was just calling to tell her to stop. He can't believe that I don't trust him, after all he is home everynight isn't he? He let me see the bill, so he wasn't hiding anything and he wasn't lying, he just forgot to mention the whore was texting him is all (no text from OW on our bill). Just him calling her of course. Like I told him to try to set up his fu#kfest while I was in the hospital. Isn't that just the kind of husband I want to live my life with. What a total dumbass!!!!!. (No, I'm not venting. Just stating the facts as I see them.)


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope: i am sorry if i am about to tread on thin ice here...but why do your kids need to uproot instead of you...and yes i know you are the injured party here, but they are caught in the crossfire...and they should not have to choose, that is also not fair to them...they should stay in their home, you said your youngest has 3 more years....why should he have to give up his home...its not the same coming to you on weekends in his home....although i guess you could ask his preference of being in the home he grew up with on weekends or while he is in school...

as for staying til he is done with high school...that is of course a choice...its a hard one, im livin it....there are days i regret it, but i know i would regret it more if i didn't....my kids come first...but soon my time will come...my youngest graduates this june....so my end is comin closer...its been a long long road....4 and a half years its been...and on sunday i will be married 24 years....


trust: you do sound strong to me...its ok you lost it....your losing it in only a somewhat destructive way...who needs coke anyways...

and you don't owe him nice, you don't owe him respect, hell you don't owe him anything....as for trust....NOT....you gotta love these idiots....apparantly since they are so stupid they assume we are too....trust.....hell NO....

if you need to tell him a thing or 2, i say you are entitled...at least for a bit...and then when its time, you will need to move on and he won't be worth the extra energy....he is not worth it now, but methinks you got some to spare in the form of some anger....and hurt....don't let it define you and don't let it become all of who you are and finally don't let it be all there is.....we were handed a raw deal...it is what it is and it will become what we make of it....or don't!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou so much everyone who has addressed my question, it really helps doesn't it, when someone who has similar circumstances is able to shed light on the little things we need clarity on.

Trust, my heart feels so much for you. I have watched you post many times, and I have to say that I have great admiration for your tenacity and fortitude.

You are absolutely right of course, you most certainly do deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. We ALL do.

I'm so sorry you have to suffer this terribly stressful time sharing your home with a man who seems unable to offer you the dignity of truth.

You will be in my thoughts today.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Iwantamiracle and Diva. I am afraid I am not being very supportive of anyone else right now in this forum. It has been such a whirlwind the last few weeks. I have been sent to a number of doctors to try and clear me for surgery. Looks like it is not happening. My doctor called late yesterday and postponed my surgery that was scheduled for Tuesday because I have yet to get all my clearances. Each doctor sends me to a different doctor, it has been a domino affect it seems. I am sort of glad they postponed it for a week or two. That gives me time to try and get one of my friends to take me and pick me up and also gives me time to see my attorney and get the D ball rolling again.

I so wished I would have done this 18months ago on DDay#1. I hired an attorney when I first found out. Just before they served him, I called and cancelled the D. He so wanted his marriage, you know. She means nothing to him. He didn't want a D. He would do anything after DDay#2. He did nothing but the bare minimum and now I am faced with DDay#3. He hasn't offered to be the best husband in the world this time. I guess he knows I am through. I have never told him I didn't love him anymore until yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to say it before and tried my best to save my marriage. I can honestly say I gave it my all. I have bit my tongue so many times in the last 18months so I guess that's why I totally lost it yesterday. I almost threw the whole glass at his head instead of just the coke. I really wanted to slap him upside his stupid head, but I couldn't lower myself to do that. I did lower myself with the words that came out of my mouth though. I am sure I will regret saying alot of stuff I said, but I have never been so angry in my entire life. Makes me glad I don't have close neighbors now. I hate someone to stand there and lie to my face while looking me in the eye. That's why I threw the coke in his face. I can honestly see how someone could shoot their WS in a fit of anger, not that I would do that, but I can see how it happens and that's scary.

He is not going to leave on his own it looks like, so I will have to have him booted to the curb by my lawyer. Why do they continue to stay even after you tell them it is over? Why do they stay even though they don't want you and they can't maintain NC with the AP? This is no longer his safe haven and hopefully he will eventually get tired of the silence from me and leave. Maybe I should now make his life a living hell and that will make him leave and go to his precious OW. Has anyone tried this on their WS to get them out? I can not stand the thought of him being here every night until he is served.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trust: do not concern yourself with responding to anyone here....you are in crisis and that is where your energy needs to be...

as for getting him out...i can't help you on that one...i will prob have the same issue when the time comes for me in my sich...

as for making his life a living hell...is he really worth all that energy, live your life, do what you need to do to get well, and let the lawyers work it out with the judge...step back from him and 180 his ass.....

in the interim, if you feel that need every now and then to lash out verbally, i say go for it...but say what you gotta say and then step away...don't let it consume you, it easily can ...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c, trust, and miracle-

about housing decisions post d-day......
don't assume anything until the process begins.

The financial settlements may make the decisions for you.

The courts may make the decisions for you as well.

It will most likely be a cut and dry decision in terms of division of assets.

There may not be a way to hold on to the house.

It may have to be sold and the proceeds divided evenly among you.

Or, after the WS realizes that the divorce is inevitable they may give up the fight for the house.

h&C-
I think that the biggest worries teens have is leaving their friends and school.

As long as they can continue in their high school I'm sure they will be ok with the living arrangements.

My niece and nephew did very well even after a fairly acrimonious divorce.

My ex brother in law ended up renting a place very near my sister and made sure that there were bedrooms for each of the kids.

They helped decorate the room and make it feel like their own place.

They stayed with their father during the week and on alternate weekends-sometimes more often.

They traveled with him on extended vacations during the summer etc.
Both of the kids went on to become very successful adults.

Trust- I looked into divorce right after d-day and found out that in my state if the grounds for divorce was infidelity then the entire process could be rushed through the courts and the divorce could be final in a matter of months.

I guess the courts realize that living under one roof after discovering infidelity is extremely difficult.

Don't know what the laws are like in your state -hopefully an attorney will be able to advise you as to how best to proceed.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn, i am in the wrong state...in ny infidelity is not grounds....which sucks....it should be...i knew i wanted to live in jersey...just didn't know that this would have been another reason for it ..

when we were looking for a house 13 years ago we actually looked in jersey and in Long Island...and he wanted Long Island....he got what he wanted as he almost always did....damn....

well he aint gettin what he wants anymore....cause what he wants is me.... and he can't have me anymore!!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately it's not grounds in Texas. Since we have lived together since the original DDay they won't even concider it as grounds. he made 4 phone calls that weren't answered by OW so that's not grounds. I will have to go a different route. There should be grounds for "Not liking their Girfriend", but I just don't see that happening.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, NJ still has adultery as grounds for divorce.
I was even planning on naming the OW as correspondent . In the old days she might have been called into court. Now it's more of an embarrassment because it's a matter of pubic record and She would have been served papers and most likely would have contacted an attorney to find out what this meant. LOL
I was out for blood. Lucky for the OW that I dropped the divorce complaint.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:20 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My visits here are fewer and farther between lately as things have been going quite well for me.
So well, in fact, that I am beginning to freak a bit. WH has buckled down since substance abuse issue came out in Nov and we have come a long way since January of this year. It is amazing how much easier things are when one of you isn't self medicating!
I find myself contemplating forgiveness. I posted something in R but I feel the insights here may be a bit deeper. For those who are further out from dday, do you feel you have reached a level of forgiveness? Have you said the words to your
wayward?
This was brought up in a marriage seminar as a choice to "let it go" and stop talking about it.
The stop talking thing has me. I am not ready to forgive all the five years of betrayal, lies, etc but there are some smaller things I have forgiven like the initial denials and trickle truth. I haven't voiced this to WH because a part of me feels he might take as an umbrella statement or think he is close to total forgiveness which I don't think I am.
Since I have started this line of should I tell him or not, I find I am backsliding with my need to verify and double-check: is he on the up & up here?
I don't have any reason to think he isn't though. Maybe this is just ddayversary normal...idk

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2012
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

manybrokenpieces, I am new to this forum, although not new to SI, so please do take my comments with the sincerity of spirit in which they are meant and forgive my clumsiness if it is in evidence.

I am three years out from dday (although earlier this year there was another dday involving issues that are no longer affected by the A as such), but since this latest revelation, I can honestly tell you that H is working 200% hard at repair.

Forgivenss? I personally think forgiveness is not even the right word to use for what happens in this awful situation. I would dare to venture that perhaps the word 'willingness' might be better suited.

We may become willing to trust more in the event of visible actions by our FWS, we may become willing to accept some of the thoughts we have periodically that we no longer feel crushingly painful and so unimportant that we do not voice them to our Spouse, we may willingly agree with our S that some of the damage has dissipated and certain parts of us healed to some extent, we may be willing to allow some of the smaller issues that no longer cause pain to dissipate, we may be willing to concede the need to check, validate and confirm as we feel safer within the marriage, we may willingly accept that we have received all the information we needed, been through all the TT's and come out on the other side satisfied that there is nothing left to discover/uncover with that knowledge deep in our hearts as confirmation, but forgiveness? That's an awfully big thing to do in a situation like ours, and I would think we might reserve the right to only use such a term when we are in a place of safety, security, and devoted sharing to such a degree that trust allows us to consider it.

I hope I have not offended anyone here with my thoughts on terminology, and of course apologies if I have. These are simply my own considerations.

I am however, delighted to share in your quiet confidence that things are inmproving for you manybrokenpieces, and long may it continue to fill your heart with hope.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

manybroken-

I'm glad to hear that your WS is clean and sober.

That was huge for me.

The longer that I saw my FWH doing the right thing,working on himself in IC, going to AA meetings, making changes in himself- the closer I got to acceptance,and like Diva says " a willingness " to try to work towards forgiveness and reconciliation.

A LTA is a trauma.

And it takes a long time to heal from the trauma as well as to begin to let down your guard and begin to trust that maybe what the FWS is now saying is true.

It came in steps for me.

I kicked FWH out after d-day and we were separated for 6 months.

The first few months we had very limited contact.
I was sure we were heading for divorce.

But, slowly, his actions showed me that maybe there was a chance for reconciliation.

We took baby steps.

IC for him, IC for me.
After 3 months of separation I agreed to try MC.

After 6 months I agreed to a re-commitment ceremony and then FWH moving back home.
But, even then when we read our promises to each other.
We did not renew our vows
per se. He promised me many things, and asked for forgiveness etc.

All I could muster at that point was to make a commitment to try to work on saving our marriage.

So he moved back home and we were reconciled in a sense because we were not living apart and planning on divorce.

But, it took several years for me to get to a point of acceptance. Finally, accepting that the LTA did happen (this was part of my PTSD) and then slowly I inched toward understanding and forgiveness.

Some would say that by agreeing to reconcile after infidelity you are already showing the WS forgiveness and unconditional love.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After two days of NC with WH#2 I think my WH#2's fog has finally lifted. After everything happening with breaking NC last week I think he finally understands that he can't sweep this under the rug anymore and pretend it never happened. OW texted him twice 3 weeks ago after NC for 7mo. Last week I saw 4 phone calls (he spoke to the answering machine finally when she wouldn't answer). He said he called to tell her to leave us the hell alone and not to text or call him again. He said he didn't tell me because I already had so much on my plate with my health issues/surgery that he didn't want to burden me with it and decided he would take care of it because it was his fault she was texting him to begin with not mine. Like I told him it upset me more that he didn't tell me she had texted and that he responded to her fishing attempt. He said it bothered him not to tell me, but he didn't want me upset. I explained TT and the damage it causes is worse than the OW breaking NC and then him responding to her. He said he can see now it was the wrong way to handle it. He said she has not texted him back and he had not spoken to her, just her answering machine. I told him she is fishing and when he reponds even if it's to tell her to leave us alone that he is opening the door for her back into our marriage and it sets us back to square one. I actually believed him when he said he just wanted her to go away and that's why he called her (and I don't believe a lot of what he says anymore). I think he was actually being honest about why he broke NC.

I told him I would no longer tolerate the rug sweeping or any more lies from him (even lies of omission). I told him this had as much to do with me as it did him because we are married. He agreed that he just had wanted us to get back to the way we used to be and he had really been trying ( very sweet to me, home every night,letting me know where he is at all times, transparency with his phone, up until this NC with OW since DDay#2, and showing me his paycheck and banking/savings/credit cards accounts.) He said he didn't know what else to do. He said it made him sick everyday what he did to me and to us.

Like I told him I am not the warden and I am tired of being put in that position for the last 1.5yrs. I told him that sweeping it under the rug did nothing to help me. I told him he has still not revealed everything about the affair nor has he sought help in finding out why he did it. I told him he has only done a small part of what needed to be done to R at this point and that not talking about it was not the answer and was causing me to detach from him and the marriage.

I let him know that I could no longer remain in this marriage if he wasn't going to face his issues of alcoholism and this LTA. I told him while he swept it under the rug, I have been hurting and that I am no longer willing to just let this go on. It has majorly affected my health and my own mental well being and I am not willing to go on like this anymore.

I explained the damage of TT and the tiggers I face on a daily basis. He said he is willing to do whatever I ask now because he hates himself for what he has done. He said it now just makes him sick to even think about it. He agreed to MC and we will have more discussions this evening as I told him I can no longer ignore the elephant in the room and neither could he. It was the first discussion we have had since DDay#2 (last July) that he hasn't gotten defensive or acted aggrivated. Do you think it is possible that he may be willing at last to face this and work toward R or am I being a fool again for hoping that maybe we can actually start the process of R. If I need 2x4's I am willing to stand and take them. Sorry about the long post. As usual I am thinking out loud to whoever will listen.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this question in General last week. Some of you that post here replied, but I wonder if anyone else in LTAs would care to respond also.

I am getting to a point where I think I may have accepted the physical part to my H's A. At least how he describes it. But the great difference between how MOW described the emotional aspect and how H dismisses it still nags at me.

Thank you for your thoughts.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=494391


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 660 | Registered: Feb 2012
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think anytime there is a LTA there has to be somewhat of an emotional connection. I have seen that women tend to form a more emotional bond where as men are mainly in it for the sex (not always the case I am sure). My WH#2 said that he liked the OW as a friend, but he was not in love with her. He said he only gave her a ring to shut her up and so she would continue having sex with him and not tell me. For her it was a totally differnt story. She was/is in love with my WH#2. If you read my post above you will see what I mean. Hope that helps a little.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think it is possible that he may be willing at last to face this and work toward R or am I being a fool again for hoping that maybe we can actually start the process of R.
You are not a fool at all Trust. I think you have given him your conditions again so see if he lives up to them if that's what you want. In the meantime, you can continue to move forward with the S/D process if you want and let him know that. There is nothing stopping him from doing "the work" while going through the process. My Separation agreement had a Reconciliation clause in it. It basically meant that if we at some point before the D was final got back together the terms in the agreement remained in place. So if we got back together then 1 year later one of us called it quits we couldn't change the terms.

I gues that was long way of saying if he is serious, one thing you could do is tell him you want an agreement done with XYZ terms in it and if he was serious about R then you would try but if he was lying then the agreement was already in place and he was gone. Put whatever terms you feel you need in it. Set up a meeting with your lawyer and have him cover the agreement terms with your WH. If he agrees then at least you have some of the legal stuff done up front and if he doesn't it may give you an idea of where his head really is.

In the end though do what you feel is best and since I am not a lawyer, talk with a lawyer to make sure what I suggested is allowed in your state if it's something you are thinking about. If you WH is feeling regret and not remorse then I say use it especially if you think you may face a heated D if it gets to that point.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1573 | Registered: May 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fightingback: Yes I think LTA's are emotional but it's not true/real love. you don't hide feelings for someone you truly feel connected to. So imo, yes LTA's are emotional but it's not real. It's emotional vampirism and blackhole filling behavior. If your WH's AP is spouting off about luurrve and such it's likely because that was the validation she was getting from your WH. To her she equated a few hours a week, email/text messages, and sex to lurrve but it was just black hole fullfillment. It wasn't real. Some people snap out of the FOG quickly, perhaps your WH is one of those people. What your WH got out of the A isn't necessarily going to be the same thing MOW got out of it.

Either way the luurrve that people in A's feel isn't real. They are actually using each other to satisfy some emptiness in them. Just my 2 cents.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1573 | Registered: May 2011
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 7yrsflushed. It was a great idea, but Texas doesn't think so. You can only get a D or annulment in Texas. They do not recognize legal seperation. You can do a seperation agreement during the D process if you need to seperate property, child care,taxes, or alimony until the divorce is final. That's about it. Unfortunately Texas is one of those states that really doesn't care what one spouse does to another. They don't want to hear it or deal with it. I found that out when I D'd XWH#1. They want you to fight it out amongst yourself in mediation and the judge gets really angry when he has to actually hear a divorce case.

I think WH#2 knows I am serious about what I say. I told him my conditions and told him we would discuss them more tonight. I think he is actually starting to see what he has done and is hopefully getting more remorseful for the damage he has caused. I think I got it across to him that we must be able to discuss the A in order to put it behind us. Rug sweeping is no longer an option. I guess his actions will show his intent on R. He did do a first today.

Last night he said he was getting spells of dizziness. I took his BP and it was really low. He currently takes 3 pills a day for BP. I took it this morning and it was normal. He has lost about 20 lbs lately and I told him that he was taking to much BP medication. To not take it this morning and I will check it again when he gets home and adjust his meds accordingly. I called to remind him that he needed to call the doctor and make an appointment. He said no...I am going to worry about your health first and then I will deal with mine. I told him to make the appointment. It's just proof to me that he is thinking about me and starting to lose some of his selfishness that he has developed since he started his affair. I hope that doesn't sound like wishful thinking on my part. Guess I will see what he does.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing that I hate the most (almost) about A fallout, is that it has made me very self-centered and inward looking.

I posted a question here before reacquainting myself with what has been going on in the LTA forum.
In going back now, I can see the pain of others that requires more immediate feedback.

One day, I hope I can be in a position to give back.

It is good to know you are all here.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 660 | Registered: Feb 2012
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