the point....parenting never stops, and it will be what you make of it.....its hard work but the payoff is extraordinary and a priceless gift to the kids....
but my WW also thinks we are and will remain best "buds" once she moves out
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
What color is the sky in their world?
Its Gray - makes it hard to see the boundaries when they are lost in the fog.
MC Jack. You have a lovely thoughtful empathetic voice and it is getting in your way! I am with so many here and RSEB who sees this very clearly.
Something is not right from YOUR perspective that is why you have shared the details. But then when you get a response, it seems to make you feel guilty that somehow you have not shared all the facts, been true to all our ww's turmoil and you are actually justifying/rationalizing what she is saying. I have been there in spades.
Two horrible false r's and I knew something was not right but when I was with him, it felt like I just needed to understand more, be more patient, less judgmental etc. But when I said what he was saying outloud to friends,, they would look at me cross eyed, like what are you still doing there? And that made me feel like I had done him a disservice because he was trying, wasn't he? This stuff was hard and long and difficult, I needed to get stronger just like he was trying and we could do this. They just don't understand all that I do.
NO NO NO. Forgive me but I hear so much rationalization in your voice. Every question that has been brought up you have found an explanation for. Forgive me if I project too much. And know that I do not believe any time is wasted time when trying to work through all this. You are stronger and more independent and clear eyed then when you first discovered all this.
H&C. My new favorite mantra is-- we have to play the cards we are dealt. You are meeting the challenge beautifully. You can hold your head up high to your children and are modeling responsible , empathetic, courageous behavior. Now you get to show them dignity and strength. They are well versed on your fun side! 3 am concerts wow. And that panic you felt, life changing. It will ground you in a minute when the everyday frustrations hit.
I am almost 9 months separated and I still have twinges of the what ifs but just last week? Or so the first huge realizations of the "so what's" have taken hold and I am really detaching. I am beginning to feel capable tho pretty worn...
There are no shortcuts.
I think I have read some of your "story" (I hate calling it that, but can't find a better word). Is WH with OW, aka Ugly Girl? Are you getting divorced?
I feel your perspective on MC_Jack's situation is spot on.
I wasn't scared off but I was ok, stepping back. Through many sane voices, I felt represented. Thank you
Interesting about u.g. Have heard from a few sources, that they are no longer together but I do not put much stock in that. They are adept at managing. He has never introduced her to the children and will not confirm or deny anything with me. I no longer ask.
So why do I feel just a bit lighter thinking they have broken off? I know we can not get beyond this. I know I need more spontaneous intimacy and introspection. I know I do not trust him. So I have to beat back that weird la la land all is well feeling just because they are maybe, broken up.
In North Carolina, you have to be separated a full year before you can file so I am realistically not going to be divorced before this time next year, I suspect. We do not use that word yet with the kids and he is actively involved with them. But I now know what I must have to ever consider, reconciliation and I have zero expectation of that happening.
And I am working hard towards QUALITY!!! One day at a time...
XWH and I have a very civil relationship. We are friendishy... in that we make small talk when we see each other, cover for one another if we have something to do on "our" days with the boyos (maybe once a month or so) and discuss kid-related stuff whenever it comes up. It can be done! However, I'm careful not to attend any pity parties he invites me to, and I do not share information about my life, nor do I ask about his. (Even if I really really REALLY want to know if he ever figured out that the glitter-farting angel COW is actually an emotionally manipulative slut.)
We're business associates now. I'm polite, as I would be to anyone with whom I have important business. I'm living the 180 on steroids. And it's wonderful.
Two horrible false r's and I knew something was not right but when I was with him, it felt like I just needed to understand more, be more patient, less judgmental etc. But when I said what he was saying outloud to friends,, they would look at me cross eyed, like what are you still doing there? And that made me feel like I had done him a disservice because he was trying, wasn't he? This stuff was hard and long and difficult, I needed to get stronger just like he was trying and we could do this
Please expand your comments....I don't think I am rationalizing, just trying to make guesses. I don't know the answers.
Nomore: maybe an example of what your H was saying...?
I'm living the 180 on steroids. And it's wonderful.
Lol, Nell!! I always loved your sense of humor! So happy you're back here with us!!
Ok I realize all that is clear as mud... Got to go.... You are good stuff. And what happened 20 years ago was awful for her but does not explain what choices she made. People react two ways to personal pain: it changes fthem for the good, they see more of humanity want to be part of the greater good or they think that they have to just look out for themselves, get what they can. She was hurt greatly it seems and yet, she has used that to justify hurting you greatly. She is not giving you what you deserve after the pain you have endured. It is not adequate. YOU are giving greatly (that goes for you too H&c!). GOT TO GO...
Re: rationalizing. I'm not sure I am really doing that. I am just trying to understand the whole picture. Some people are screwed up, some people make mistakes, some people fix themselves, some people won't or can't. There are also reasons for these factors.
I'm not trying to understand all this to support a 'de facto stay in the marriage' situation. I am trying to understand so I can ultimately forgive her, WHETHER or NOT I stay in the marriage.
It seems likely at this point that I am in 7yrs' position. WW can't seem to do the work right now. Still can't discern fantasy from reality perhaps. Don't know. Maybe she'll start tomorrow on the work. Won't know until then. I think my WW would stay in the M, be faithful, and just be partly there, the other part lost. Meaning I would be married to a half-person, wearing a mask. The mask in place to hide the brokenness. Do I want that? What are the trade-offs?
My friend from home has now been my BIL for 17 years. He married my WW's equally screwed up sister. While my WW is in denial, my SIL has been in rage mode for years.
My BIL observed that as long as he's known my WW, that she communicates and exists on a fake, air head, superficial level, even though she is obviously very smart and talented. He sees it as a mask or shroud. --Very painful for me to hear. I have always felt that I am married to a shell that never had anything to say. Terrified of deep conversations. And as u guys know, I am one deep mother f*ck*r!!!!
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 3:19 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]
My BIL observed that as long as he's known WW, that she communicates and exists on a fake, air head, superficial level, even though shde is obviously very smart. He sees it as a mask or shroud. Very painful for me to hear. I have always felt that I was married to a shell that never had anything to say. Terrified of deep conversations. And as u guys know, I am one deep mother f*ck*r!!!!
I have to say that made me laugh...nice to see you still have your sense of humor even though you're going through a rough spot right now.
It is CRUTIAL to your M that your WW step it up and REALLY do the work on herself. Without it, the "mask" will always be there and the pattern will be repeated, whether it be now, next month or two years from now.
I myself am embarrassed of my actions during my A. I have worked on myself to face it, own it and have tried to continue working on myself, and I know I will never betray MYSELF again.
Honest.. you got.. even say if I win that powerball.. My gift to you will be freedom.
[This message edited by trynhard at 4:09 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]
have you ever gotten a very heartfelt apology?
Yes, I would say that I have on more than one occasion. Basically along the lines of I did terrible things, I made a mistake, I disrespected you, I made you feel this way and that, etc. and I am sorry for what I did and grateful for a second chance etc.
My WW complained to me that our 17yr old daughter looks at her sometimes with an expression of "how could you?". I asked my WW if she has answered that question yet, and the reply was 'no'.
I think that my WW is going to take a long time to sort this out if ever. How long did it take you RSEB to really see that you needed to work on you?
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:33 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]
How long did it take you RSEB to really see that you needed to work on you?
I can't remember exactly when. I do know at a year after D Day, my head was ALL consumed with making my BH feel better...I was like that for a long time after too. I still find myself trying to do for him, more then he ever tries for me. For example today I texted him " My day is going "WONDERFUL"...hope yours is going better" with a smiley face. All he wrote back is "I'm good". When he came home he kissed me hello asked what's wrong, I told him work was getting to me and he said "oh, that's it"..and he went about his afternoon. I did ask him a few minutes ago why that is all he would say or do to try and make my day turn around. He said "sorry that's all I got" and he walked away again. This has been our WHOLE history, granted I was "checked out" for 6 years, so why does it still feel the same before, during and now after my A? So yes, this is when it hits me again, I have to work on me. Like my IC says, don't put his needs CONTSTANTLY ahead of yours. My IC hopes I get stronger and stronger. She says she has never seen someone as giving, caring or patient, but even I must have an end of my rope.
I feel your WW and I are very different. Your WW does not fear your reactions. I always worried about my BH's reactions. My IC has told me to just walk away from him when he erupts. At some point he is going to realize he has no one there to erupt on to.
Your WW seems very strong, on the outside shell at least. I don't know if she has gotten to a vulnerable point with you. You see, you are different from my BH as well. He is just gliding along in R, is he trying 110%, nope, and I don't think he ever will. I believe you have to continue working on you MC Jack, and your WW can wake up and join you, or continue on her own path.
Heart is racing. I can do this.
My own "farewell" was a portrait of my children and our dog on my last birthday.
Yesterday, W shared her feelings as to how it is not fair.
She was looking at space to start her own practice when she became pregnant with our first child. The next two followed quickly and then she was fully immersed in raising a family with challenging needs.
I lost my vision, could not drive and her burden increased.
She did not know if I would live to 50 (my older brothers died at 49 and 54. And I share their same genetic issues - yes, I have been tested).
So she went back to work because she likes working and wnated to be in the work force in case she had to support the family.
She ears only a third of what I earn. (She works part time). Her job does not include benefits. No vacation, no holidays. Her health insurance will be at least $600 / mo. No 401K.
She does not know how she will get by financially.
This is all true and very sad.
yes it very sad. yet that is the path she has chosen. i would say that it is 'fair' as far as your WW goes: she has the freedom to choose. she made a choice to M. she is making the choice now. where might it lead? who knows.
it's not fair to you - since she is making the choice that affects you and your path.
we're all pulling for you.
no you will not be bestest buds....but you can be the bestest co-parents..
they brought "e" home from the hospital today....her dad and wife had her in their car for the 5 hour trip home....delivered to her home,moms house.....and they all had dinner together then dad left and went home.......first time he left his dd since he had gotten to boston, he never left her side, slept in the chair next to her bed, "e" is 21 years old....
totally awesome bestest parents together.....and yes at times one works much harder at it then the other....the payoff....extraordinary and priceless
blobbette; thanks for the link i pm'd you back
honest: you can do this and you will do this and remember when one door closes another always opens....but it will only open if you turn the handle....stay strong, yes him to death except bout bringin the oc's to your home.....and don't forget to pack xanax....
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:09 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]