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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal.. Sometimes, it’s good to point out things you should NOT do. Remember, I started that post with…
Me,
Here are some “get even” things that will make YOU feel the bottom.

You,
Extreme anger is often a reaction that many BS have after d-day but not something that anyone condones or encourages.

It was the way I reacted. I grew up with a brother and we sometimes resolved conflicted with fist fighting. The child in me exposed again at 47, my immaturity from years earlier. My “get even” actions were taking me down a path of self destruction. After those reactions, I wanted to throw myself over a balcony. I got rattled. I was out of my mind. Those were about me.
My W’s feelings were those of.. I deserved all of that and more. She felt like that was her penance. That was the reparation in her mind. She had never seen the anger in me like this..
I expose the pure ugliness of infidelity.
You and I both know, you never get even.. You can’t and won’t. If you stay and R, eliminate that from your mind. You can do all I did in anger, it does not even the score. It makes it far worse. I now made myself a offender at a different level.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My $1MM question:
We hear so much about the WS fixing themselves, almost as a prerequisite to having a good M. That the brokenness will undoubtedly re-manifest in repeat A behavior.
There is a good chance that in my M, that if I follow the "tryn plan", be quality/attractive that my WW will reciprocate never have an A again, and our M will be good by most standards. What do I do with the notion that she must be fixed?
I know she has anxiety, perfectionism, and conflict avoidance due to her witnessing abuse and not feeling good enough. Isn't it easier for me to work around that than for her to unwind deep seated emotional baggage? Now that I am an expert with new found 'emotional intelligence'...

MC. Part of my plan is to never worry about “fixing” your W. She will fix herself, on her own, by her own choice. At best, you can invite or suggest her to MCing or her own IC. That’s all.

my plan.. MC, you are the man of your family. Woman wants men who are leaders. They want a man who will be price charming and sweep them away into bless. BE THAT MAN.

Anxiety.. People have their own feelings. With good thoughts will come good feelings. If you know HER anxieties.. You lead her away from those anxieties. Identify them! You make sure YOU are not the man causing those anxieties. You as a leader, YOU will give her strength so she does not have to worry. You are there for her in her crisis only to assist her, adviser her, not to tell her how to solve it. You never let her down. You are positive, confident; you give her word to encourage confidence about the outcome. You touch her to relieve it. You grab her shoulders and necks gently release that tension. You are keenly aware of her when she her anxiety signals. You invite her to share.. You just listen. Be very supportive. Have patience with her anxiety and as much as possible try to understand them. Lead her away from her fears..


Perfectionism.. Reward her with every success she has..You give her the approval she is needing. A woman needs a man approval, affirmations.. lead her into know life is not perfect and it is ok to sometimes not be so perfect. If she thinks you are not being so perfect.. lead her with words like these.. “honey, you like things in such order, that is why I am so attracted to you, you make me better, I am doing my best to my own ability. I am gong to do things sometimes out of order” Lead her down a path that is it OK to make mistakes, you learn from them, you improve but not everything is meant to be perfect… There is no debate about this.. that ends it.. you go about your day… She likely is seeking self confidence. Giver her words, rewards, to build her confidence..


Conflict avoidance.. You make it safe for her to come to YOU. Learn to conflict is a way she will feel safe no matter the issue... let her know you are going to be a man that will stand up for her, back her up, stand by her side.. in all conflicts.. RESET the moment at the end of each conflict so she knows it is safe.. Invite her back to you after every conflict.. let her make the choice to come back… don’t run after her… Be there…look hard at yourself in conflict and apologize when YOU are at fault.. say things every week to make sure she will come to YOU for advice. Your staying with her, forgiving her, not making her feel guilty is a HUGE plus for you after infidelity. She can feel safe. And most of all.. You lead by example.. You don’t avoid conflict YOURSELF. There are safe words to say to a woman who avoid conflict and address her running way from you and others. Be her man, with her, to solve all problems mutually!


Unless you had very powerful parents who taught you this stuff. You just don’t have it. You develop it.. it grows into a powerful mature love. I can type this out simple.. execution is the hard part. Do something simple everyday that builds yourself into the kind of man who can lift your W to new heights! It take thought and effort.. Repetition until it becomes the new YOU. If you can lose all that weight, this is a whole lot easier than that. You can do this.


You keep behaving attractive and your good will come.


7 years gets it...

If my WW wasn't going to be fully engaged in the M then I was better off by myself no matter how bad I thought it might be.

You fully understand every aspect of love.. Every aspect of what is attractive to YOU and Your partners.. you execute them… An never again compromise yourself. Be fully aware of intimacy. The kind you give and what you receive.


Trust..

I just don't think it is possible to love someone and cheat on them
You are right, they are not loving themselves, you or even the AP. Affairs are the opposite if love.. feelings? yes.. love? No.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:29 AM, March 18th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta2know

Glad to see you are doing okay, gotta. Make sure you enjoy your trip! About 3 weeks after Dday my STBXWW and I went on a trip to the "islands". I paid the money months in advance and we were going with college friends. I didn't regret going on the trip at all. It was good to get away for awhile. Take Care!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe,

My W's infidelity is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. As a recent post noted, it goes straight through the heart. That said, I am going to share a story that puts some perspective.

DS15 and I had a great time on spring break attending concerts on South Padre Island. DS preferred to be near the stage in the thick of the crowd and I enjoyed from a nice perch in the back. When was ready to leave, DS would text me and we would meet at the xit.

On the last night, we stayed to the absolute end. I went to the (only) exit, texted him that I was there and waited. The crowd filtered out and the venue was empty. No DS. I sent another text. No response. A few minutes later I sent another text. No response. I receive a text from DS "I am at the exit". DS is not there. I send a text to find me at the gate. No response. Now, I am talking to security and they are not interested. It's 3 am and I cal the local police (not interested) and then my W who is at our home. W had a missed call from unknown number. Calls back and a girl says she saw DS 30 min ago and his phone was dead. DS used her phone to make the call.

I eventually found DS along the street heading back to our hotel. 60 min of sheer panick thinking he had been kidnapped, psssibly taken across the Texas border and never to be seen again.

I was so glad when I found him.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe,

St. Patrick's Dayy. The luck of the Irish. Green beer and leprachauns.

And, o yes, the two year anniversary of the last time my W was physically intimate with OM. Our family was visiting her parents and W went on a "girls night out" to see OM who was in the area. A continued via text / phone calls until I found out about it 3 months later.

As recently as November, this would have been a very BIG day for me. The need to reclaim my place in the M and the feeling of inferiority to OM as W chose to be with him and not me on that day. I guess I am further along toward acceptance as it was not a BIG day for that reason.

I returned home from spring break, invited W to go out for a green beer, and we enjoyed some live music.

And W took the occassion to reiterate that our M is done! Adamant that it is done! W chose this day to take off her wedding ring. W told me she is now "independent" and "authentic". W told me about the houses available in the area for me to live. W told me she "is disappointed in how she handled herself" (having the A). W told me she knew St. Patrick's day was a milestone day (her A) and was anxious about how I would feel.

I told her that there are many good reasons for us to R and asked if she could thing of ONE. I also asked her if she could name ten reasons she would be better off without me.

As we were going to sleep and I held her hand, W commented that "h&c, you are trying very hard" and "should I go sleep in the guest room, I may have to".

For me, it is very sad. I still love her, want to enjoy life with her, and take care of her. And all I see in her face is pain when I share this with her.


h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h & c ~ my heart was racing whilst reading your post about your DS15. I have felt that panicked feeling, too, from having a "lost" child and it is one of the worst feelings I have ever had. Glad it turned out well. Sounds like you and DS had a fantastic time.
W told me about the houses available in the area for me to live.
I hope you told her that you hope she finds one of those houses acceptable for her to go live in. Afterall,
she is now "independent" and "authentic"
If she is so fucking independent and authentic, than she needs to go find a new place to be all that she can be.

I hope you are getting yourself to a lawyer asap, h&c. Your WW is a selfish and only has her best interests at heart. Realize this, please, she doesn't care about what is best for you.

(((h & c)))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:58 AM, March 18th (Monday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8947 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C: I know how it feels to lose your child in a strange place for hours! It is so very scary. I'm glad everything turned out all right.
You need to get a lawyer ASAP. If you want to stay in the house, you need to find out what to do. Things are going to get nasty, I'm so very sorry. Once the WS decides to leave, they seem to turn off their emotions to you completely and have tunnel vision for their own selfish gains.

Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C.. you have to know your good is coming. Let her go. You give her what she wants. One day, she will regret what she has done but your train left the station.

Every man I know who has moved on has found great happiness. You will too.

Take pride you did all you could.

I Grant You the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

PS.. make her find a new house. PERIOD.

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:15 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep H&C, we're all pulling for you !!

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:17 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C: glad your son was okay. I had one of those experiences myself with my son at a baskeball game, no fun at all.

Also I agree with others time to move on with your life. Hard 180, detach, and go see a lawyer asap.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone,

Today I got more crap related to my talking with the other BS during Jan/Feb. If you remember, I made the 'mistake' of being candid with my WW in regards to what the other BS said (and what she said the OM said).

She feels that it 'has ruined everything' and goes on to do some blaming. She is obviously struggling right now in the owning shit department.

I told her that she needs to figure out how to express her feelings and stop the external blaming. She is afraid to deal with her negative feelings. She said she would try again tonight. So I am prepping myself to avoid becoming defensive, and merely turn any "you" comments into reminders to stick with her feelings. She has some unresolved stuff as I've no doubt mentioned.

I AM REALLY struggling with not calling her on the phone now at work and screaming at her about how obscene and cruel her behavior was and why does she even think anything to do with me talking to the other BS is of any consequence in comparison. That my 'negative feelings' are way worse than hers.

So, my question for the panel, as she struggles:

What is the best approach for me that both protects me and does not damage anything?

(I think the answer has to do with tryn's conflict avoidance comments above)

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:45 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still love her, want to enjoy life with her, and take care of her.

Why?

What does it say about you that you would feel this towards a woman who was anxious this might be a bad day for you, so she chose this day to cast off the symbol of your M? Who tells you that the unmarried her is authentic and independent? I respectfully disagree that you are further along in acceptance.

Tonight I encourage you to take your WW up on her offer to sleep in the guest room. Begin to limit conversation with your WW to finances and care of the children. Let her be independent and authentic. Tomorrow, make appointment with a couple of attorneys to talk about what D would entail and cost, and to ensure you do not make any miss-steps.

You can still be a quality man without chasing after your WW. Let her expoerience authentic and independant while you start to move towards your new life of quality.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the best approach for me that both protects me and does not damage anything?

Tell her the marriage ceased to be private when she chose to bring a third party into it, and the OM's BW is entitled to know that about her marriage as well.

Don't be angry, or loud, just be matter of fact about it and quietly powerful. And no matter what kind of temper tantrum she throws, don't say much more except something along the lines of "You've gotta pay to play. You took the risk, you got caught, this is the price. That's how it works, and everybody over the age of about 12 knows it, so deal."


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MS - sorry you are still having to deal with those issues.

For the first couple of weeks after my Dday I had to deal with my WW feeling "betrayed" herself because a friend who she had trusted told me about her LTA (of course she had lied about the extent of the LTA to this person so in hindsight I am sure she was also concerned about people comparing notes on her lies). It was difficult to get her to understand it but I continued to explain that what she thought was betrayal was even close to the amount of betrayal that she actually committed and to put herself in my shoes for once. Honestly though it didn't matter how much convincing that I tried do to get her to see it though. It wasn't until she confronted it on her own with the person was it able to be worked out and she could put it in the past to deal with more important issues.

In your case if I recall your WW is very sensitive to hard evidence of her A - this is somewhat alarming because I am sure from your perspective it appears she is just protecting herself in case of D and maintains one foot out the door. If she was all in - whatever hard evidence existed would not matter. Is she anymore specific on exactly what "has ruined everything"? Are these people part of your regular social or professional circles that it matters what they know or think?


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 399 | Registered: Nov 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the best approach for me that both protects me and does not damage anything?

hmmmm....

She feels that it 'has ruined everything' and goes on to do some blaming. She is obviously struggling right now in the owning shit department.

'has ruined everything'

She is catastrophizing, it has not ruined everything. What does she see as ruined? Her reputation? Her future? Chances to re-connect with OM? Any hope of forgiveness from you? Call her out on this so that you can understand.

goes on to do some blaming

Blaming others for our feelings is de-powering. It puts us in the position of relying on others for our own happiness and success. This is wayward thinking. What is the feeling she is blaming another for, and what can SHE do about that feeling?

struggling right now in the owning shit department

Denial can be a comfortable and safe place. FWW will freely admit she liked it better when she could blame me for her problems.

Do not take what she says personally. You already know from the above that she is not completely rational and on target with her thoughts and feelings. Listen and validate her feelings to depressurize the talking. Validating feelings is not the same as agreeing with statements.

That my 'negative feelings' are way worse than hers.

This does not matter. If she does not feel remorse, she will not care and will never believe you. If she does feel remorse, she knows this, and feels guilt not only for betraying herself, but for hurting you and damaging OM’s family. There was a point where FWW wanted to walk away from the M rather than look at me and see what she had done. I was strong and invincible to her, and she hurt me to where I flipped between raging and sobbing.

Too late for tonight, but for the long term I found the book Crucial Conversations excellent for stepping back when conversations became emotional.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:22 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC..

Why do you want to conflict about that? Who brought that up first? Remember MC, when you forgive, it is a process and you will make mistakes. If you brought it up, you apologize by tell her that you had time to think about it, what you did was not in the theme of forgiving. If she broguth it up, this is a real chance for you to prove you are forgiving. By all means, if you want to conflict in a negative way about this, go right ahead. I can predict where it will lead. Not good.

What is the best approach for me that both protects me and does not damage anything?

I say try and pull her out of that negative thinking. Make her feel safe.

I’m with M3. I think her man can take that kind of communication but I am not sure your wife can? I call M3 words medium pressure. Although her way would be most effective if she was talking to me.

“Honey, I have made a choice to forgive you. I am executing it. We can talk more in depth abpout something that happened last month if you want, but it just brings up a past That does nothing to build our marriage. I want to put that behind us. I have been open with you about everything I said and did. There is no more to be done. I can only hope they find happiness in there marriage. I am now focused on us and how we both can now focus on the most loving, caring, giving and intimate marriage. I want you to let go of any worry about what happens to them. I will just listen if you want to tell me more about how you feel.”

Let her respond.. DO NOT GET RATTLED.. hear her out… then say.. OK.

MC, it doesn’t matter how she feels about the OM. You don’t care. All you care about is YOU. She can leave that shit behind or keep bringing it up. You can keep bringing up and end up right back in misery yourself. It doesn’t matter any more. You exposed, you gave the woman enough for her to pursue on her own. Leave it be. Stay out of there marriage.

If she presses you for more information.. reach out, grab her hands softly, look her in the eyes. Honey, I don’t have any more to say, you know all I have to offer.

RESET the MOMENT.. Honey, do you want me to make some Ice tea? Then get up and make it..

If she follows you.. Look her right in the eyes and say.. (MAKE YOUR POINT)“I have had enough. STOP IT. That is not attractive and (COMPARE)I am not going to do that to you and I expect the same from YOU. (RESET)I’m going for a walk, when I come back your are welcome to enjoy watching TV tonight with me. The head out the door.

That above was very light pressure. If she bring this up again.. you are going to start adding some pressure she is not going to like. You don’t tell her this now.. but maybe something along theses lines..

Honey, now I am concerned. You seem to want to interject into there marriage. If I was cheating on you, wouldn’t you want someone to have the courage to let you know? (COMPARE) I would and I extended the same Courtesy. They should have nothing to do with us today. Am I reading this wrong?

My 2 cents..

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:44 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,

She brings it up. We had a great Friday night - Sat. morning SHE brings it up. Yesterday we had a glorious day in the mountains, came home late, all is peachy, this morning she wakes up in the negative funk and SHE brings it up.

So far I have kept the promise I made to myself last month, that after 3/7 I would not bring up the A again. So far it has been her to do so.

I don't think her negativity has anything to do with how she feels about the OM. Maybe ATS is right, it has to do with her 'reputation'...which I guess I was supposed to preserve?!?


I am preparing for light pressure tonight and the ability to listen and be restrained.

I really should have handled notifying the other BS last year.

Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 2:47 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_Jack


First keep it very light.. After this bad behavoir you can ramp it up should she continue..


YOu might try this.. Honey, It is time for you to forgive yourself. If we both focus on just us, I belive we can have something more special than we have ever before. Will you join me?

MC, You don't tell here this this is me talking to you...It is time for that talk to stop.. Why in the world is she bring this up? Maybe you should lay on some medium pressure?

If she want more info after the light pressure.. YOU lay on the last line.. Honey, now I am concerned. You seem to want to interject into there marriage. (COMPARE)If I was cheating on you, wouldn’t you want someone to have the courage to let you know? (THIS IS THE QUALITY MAN YOU ARE)I would and I extended the same Courtesy. They should have nothing to do with us today. Am I reading this wrong?

Listen and RESET!

KEEP CALM.. if you feel emotions starting to bubble.. say nothing... or go get a drink.. take your time.. be loving!

and even a more powerful thing if she comes around want to have sex wtih you.. just say you want to cuddle.. I can be very close with you just holding each other.. lol..

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:57 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe ATS is right, it has to do with her 'reputation'...which I guess I was supposed to preserve?!?

I wasn't going to reply initially but I think you do need to ask your W to explain exactly what has been ruined? If her response is her reputation then you haven't done anything to ruin that she did that on her own with the A. The fact that she is still worried about her reputation means imo she is still rugsweeping what she did, not really facing it, and not really owning her shit.

If you haven't talked about the A in awhile maybe it's time to sit down and ask her why this is such an issue for her and hear her out. Just listen to what she has to say about it, the A, and your M in general. You may find out just how far she has or hasn't come to addressing those issues that are deep within herself. You seem relatively detached so it may give you soem perspective on what to do next.


I could be off but reputation is a sore subject with me. The only time I ever cursed out my WW after DDay was when she asked me what I was going to tell people about her. her concern wasn't for me or the kids it was strictly her desire to keep her image squeaky clean in the public eye. She was worried about what my parents and other people would think of HER. I told her Fuck you and Fuck your reputation. If you were truly worried about your reputation or anyoen in this family then you wouldn't have been having a 3 yr affair with MOM now would you. I refuse to keep your dirty secrets. To me this was just more selfish behavior and not owning her shit.

I had no intention of going around calling my W out of her name or telling everyone what she did. If anyone asked me why we weren't together anymore depending on who it was they would be told none of their business or plainly she was an adulterer.

ETA: not sure if my advice counts since I went on a mini rant but it's different perspective take what works best for you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:00 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why in the world is she bring this up?

Like I suggested above, it has to do with some notion of her 'reputation' as well as old, old wounds. These old wounds are from when she was hazed in her residency (and turned to OM then) prior to me meeting her as well as some FOO stuff.

If she can just express how mortified, embarrassed, humilated, or whatever that she is using her blaming and anger to cover up I think we'll be on the road to progress.

All along though I have felt that she is hiding some deep secret shame. Looking back I should have seen it 20 years ago, but I was naive. I was just glad to have made a 'good catch'.

ETA, per 7yrs:

means imo she is still rugsweeping what she did, not really facing it, and not really owning her shit.

That too - kind of related to dealing with my notifying the other BS 10 months after dday - I think the 'extra consequences' are making her look at her shit again and she does not want to. Like she kind of owned it before, but not in full. She has never blamed me for her A choices. The closest she has come is in terms of explaining how unhappy she was in the year the A started, but acknowledges that she had other choices available.

She really struggles with the cognitive distortion termed 'emotional reality' - confusing how she feels with how things really are.

Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 3:13 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

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