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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Question for BS's Reading This
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without a doubt - if it weren't for the kids I would have walked on DD.


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 342 | Registered: Oct 2011
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We decided to R for us. Of course we think of our boys but we want to be together now and when they make their way out of the home.

We are so much more than the A.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2274 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
lostgirl79
♀ New Member
Member # 35860
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn't just for the kids. I know my children won't be happy if they have an unhappy mom. I chose to try for us.


DD~May 30, 2012
Currently working on R
Me~33
WH~32
My 3 beautiful children~~16, 12, and 9.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2012
CheshCat
♀ Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First reconciliation had nothing to do with our son. I honestly believed my ex had made a terrible mistake and had learned from it.

After that?

Purely for my son.

Because my ex would go rounds with adultery, addiction, and abuse.

My state is EXTREMELY "father friendly". There are dads in prison for hurting their kids who still have court ordered visitation with their kids. But most never go to prison. Because wides testimony is discounted as biased, and kids either aren't allowed to testify, or are scared into not testifying, or DO testify, and after a weekend anger management seminar... Dad gets half custody.

So I stayed through 3 years of Affairs & pseudoRs, 3 years of abuse & countless affairs.

Until one night he fractured my noggin in front of our son, and I filed for divorce.

And now?

Dad has 50/50 custody.

Wheeeee.

CC :P


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

100% for the kids. One was a newborn at d day and it sucked giving him to wh and ow every weekend. When wh dumped ow, I wanted to r for the kids.

Even now, I question if I will be in this marriage in say 10 years when the baby is in high school or 15 when everyone's an adult. I will still be relatively young -40s- and the thought of starting over after I get them raised is appealing

Posts: 1378 | Registered: Jan 2010
Jono
♂ Member
Member # 8099
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed for the children. Even though they had left school the incidence of broken relationships amongst the children of people who have experienced infidelity in their relationship rises by 50%. On my instruction the affair was only known to my wife, her AP and myself. While I suspect that the AP's wife and my children may have had an inkling that something was wrong, in hindsight in the case of my children they see that period as a time that their mom was just being 'otherwise'. I didnt want my children damaged through her selfish actions.

We are now reconciled. I am here because I choose to be here not because I am in any way obligated to be here. That having been said, I wish that I had learned the weaknesses that are common in many if not most people and which frequently end up in infidelity some other way. Our relationship is now based on reality which doesnt have the same magic as one that has not been tarnished by infidelity!


Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2005
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would of divorced him had I not had kids.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would of divorced him had I not had kids.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would of divorced him had I not had kids.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
runninbehind78
♂ New Member
Member # 35454
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question has been on my mind a lot. Thanks for posting.


Me-BBF-34
Her-WWGF-35
Together 16 years
Multiple EA over 2 years
9 month long EA/PA with my friend.
Dday1-4/20/12
Dday2-6/16/12
Dday3-8/20/12
Dday4-8/23/12
Dday5-a few weeks later


"I can't escape my own escape."


Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Hell on earth
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children are one of the reasons I am trying to R with WH. I told WH if we did not have kids I would have left. We did separate for a while and it was very hard on the kids - an eye opening event that made us realize it was not just us effected. WH understands this and he says his is working on himself. My kids are almost out of high school. I am giving us those years to see if he we can improve our marriage. I think it takes a few years to see if R is possible. Overall our marriage is not abusive. I just needed to believe in myself.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not knowing any better, my kids were the only reason I initially chose recovery, and to make it confusing, there were times in my marriage where I wished I caught my wife cheating so that I could end my marriage. I was a basket case, and was merely lucky I chose recovery.

[This message edited by still-living at 8:56 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 737 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
zen2011
♂ Member
Member # 38459
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed for the children. I didn't want her mistake to change their lives forever. I knew that she would get custody (given in my state) and wasn't sure that she could tend to their needs in the mental state that she was in.


BS(me) 50
fWS 41
M 13 yrs
2 kids (9-11)

Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Gulf Coast
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a fulfilling, loving, fun and peaceful marriage for 12 years. We were a great team in many ways, and our sex life was creative and hot.

WH told his AP that we were only together for the kids. And from my perspective, by having an affair he made that come true.

Maybe some day I'll feel differently about our marriage.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest....I would have left the night I found out. Does that mean I would not have caved had he pursued me...no. Does that mean I love him any less....no. But breaking four hearts does not seem worth leaving over one affair.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have divorced if it wasn't for the kids. Hard to reallu think about though. Can't really imagine what path we would be on without our kids. I never would have been a SAHM, I would have been able to be on my own and not so scared. I *think* I would have divorced him. Hard to say I guess unless I was actually in the situation.

I am still in R for more reasons than the kids. But I started for them.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here - the kids are not technically my WS's but he has been a better dad to them than their biological dad. If he wasn't so close to them - a D would have been much higher in my mind. When I think of the consequences of a D, they revolve more around the kids it seems. Sucks to admit that ;(


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, March 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last entry from sodamnsorry was me. , I didn't realize he was signed in when I posted. Sorry for the confusion.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, March 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if I will stay and there are kids involved. Have to wait and see. What I do will be all about me.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
littlehopeleft
♀ New Member
Member # 38697
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm staying for the kids as well. Well they were the deciding factor anyway. If we had not had children, I would've put all of his crap outside and changed the locks. But since we have them, and they my primary concern, I chose to stick it out and try to R. They are so little. Now if it doesn't work out - depends on my wh and his actions- then I will file for the D. But I'm trying to give him a chance.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
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