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User Topic: Question for BS's Reading This
♂ Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a hard question that takes alot of introspection to say the least. We have 3 young boys, and I can say they were certainly 99.9% of what I stayed in for initially. I never want to be a part-time dad with weekend visitation, I never want my boys to have a step dad (or two, or three), I never want my boys to think that they were they cause of our split (at 6, 3 nad 1 1/2, the damage of a split would have been long lasting for sure).

That said, if they had been older, say teenagers, I would have packed up and left fairly quickly. Would I have filed for D? I don't know. I know that I was drug through the mud with my W's A's over a period of 8 years, and her cold reality that she was "never really into the M" her words as she came clean as to her Why's for all the infidelity really cut me deep and they do to this day.

Today she is almost a year sober, managing her bipolar disorder fairly well and been an all-around better person. She tells me she loves me, cherishes our M now and is completely devoted to me, but God damn, that sure did take blowing up the universe to get her to this point. And even now, I question many things. I know her permiscuity didn't begin with me; in fact it has spanned throughout all her adolescence and into her 30's, so for me to believe that overnight (or over a relatively short time period rather in perspective to her life's actions and thinking) she is madly in love with me now and wanting to be 100% faithful for all years to come is a farcry, honestly.

If she ever strays again, I will leave and sadly my family will have to feel the impact of the consequences for the years to come. But, if she stays the course of honesty, fidelity, devotion and sobriety from here on out, I cannot see myself leaving her and the boys. They are ALL too important to me. True, she will never "love" me the way I truly needed to be loved and still do, but she is at least giving me what she seems capable of without a veil of lies covering it all.

Like I said, very hard question to answer.

ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all of your responses!

WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not have tried to R if we didn't have children, but with all the changes both of us are making I now stay for us as well

M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're working on R, he's not doing all the work but doing some of it. Whether he kicks in and does it all remains to be seen and is affected by a lot of travel (also a problem), and an active toddler.
I DEFINITELY decided to give R a go because of our child (which he desperately wanted, go figure!), who was 3 mos old on DDay. Nearly killed myself, also didn't do that due to baby needing me. But if I hadn't have had the beautiful DS I had? I would have packed my bags and moved back home IMMEDIATELY (in another country now)!
I don't know if it's going to work. He ended the A before I found out, but it was an LTA and continued until our son was born, which makes me just sick. Don't know if I can get over all this knowing our past (which he was well aware of and chose to do these things anyway). It was a dealbreaker for me, and may still be. Not sure how we'll be, but something has to give soon or I'll be packing our bags (and our furbabies) and never returning. He can go live in my country if he so wants to work on it, and find a job he doesn't have to travel for! None of it would have been an issue if he would just have been faithful...
It sucks to go from joyous to misery in two seconds flat.

Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
♀ Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took the children out of the equation, for the most part.

I told WH (and also meant it for myself) that if he was only staying for the children, then he could go. That I deserved better than that, that I deserved to be loved for me. Because it was on each of the DDays that my heart was ripped apart - not my concerns for my children, although those thoughts came afterwards, but my heart. Ironically, it was discovering it all that made me realise how much I love WH, much more than I knew.

I want us to grow old together and not be one of those couples that split once the children have gone. If it had just been about the children, then we would not be together now.

Having said all that, on the hardest days, when everything felt numb and blank, seeing him with the children kept me going and reminded me of one of the reasons why I love him.

Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed until my youngest son graduated from high school, and filed for divorce two days later. If I had filed sooner there is a good chance my son wouldn't have finished school. I felt that it was my obligation to see this child through to high school....the cost was very high and took a huge toll on me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, psychologically, and physically. I do not regret that choice. All of my kids are now in college (except the one who is now a lawyer) and I am too. I guess you have to decide on what is the priority in your life and go with that choice. For me it was definitely that my kid finish at least high school and he's been in college almost 2 years now. We functioned on a mostly civil level on the surface, but I was doing all of the spy work I could and it wore me out. At least I knew for a fact what I was divorcing.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are 21 and 15, but even if they were little it would have no effect on why I am committed to R with my WS.

I am staying because I love him and I believe he can be helped with his problem of SA. If he had an addiction to alcohol or drugs I would stay with him provided he was doing all he could to recover.

It's better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one.

I am not judging anyone that stays for the sake of the kids, but for me personally it had no bearing on why I am staying to work it out.

ME-BS 48
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, February 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess in a way I, the BS, am too selfish to stay for the kids. Staying for the kids never crossed my mind. As a matter of fact I think reconciling was probably harder on our eldest (he knew) than divorcing would have been.
My kids were older 18 and 15. Had they been younger I am sure they would have been a huge factor in my decision to stay or leave.

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ New Member
Member # 37092
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, February 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my situation I would have left if we didn't have a baby. The main reason for that is that the OW just had his child about a week ago. I have wanted kids all my life and to know that he gave that to her (although not intentionally) and not to me would have been to much fur me to handle.

I think if we didn't have a kid and he didn't get her pregnant I may have stayed and at least attempted reconciliation.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, February 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Children had nothing to do with mine. I decided because he never blamed me, he was very remorseful from the second I found out. But mainly because I love him. He is a good man who made bad choices.

BW- 48
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.

Posts: 1086 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can say without a doubt, that I would have been out the door and never looked back, after the first time my WH cheated on me, if we hadn't had a baby at the time. Every time I took him back, it was because of the children. And the only time I reconciled with him this last time after he walked out on us, was because of the kids. That's the cold hard truth.

BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do

Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a DS, but I did not stay because of our child. It was very obvious to DS that we were in big trouble, but I worked very hard to shield him from the fact that his dad had an A and was not willing, for a long time, to give her up. Until the OW came to our house and FWH let her in.

That was actually the point we were closest to divorce, because he let her in the house while our DS was there.

D was a viable option for me because of our DS. I did not want him to learn it was ok to lie, cheat, keep secrets, and break vows. R was more selfish, for me, I think. Because it meant our DS had to live with that slow painful process. I feel bad about that, actually.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having 5 children, being a sahm who homeschools did play into my decision to a degree, yes. But ultimately if he wasn't willing to work on our marriage, I was willing to let go.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 9:29 PM, February 18th (Monday)]

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ New Member
Member # 38233
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not technically in R. I actually moved out two weeks after D-Day. The fact that it took two weeks to leave is due to the fact that we have a child together.

Before D-Day I swore that I'd be out the door the minute someone cheated on me. On D-Day I was stopped cold in my tracks by the thought of my daughter. My parents weren't together and I had a very rough childhood because my mom put every guy she met before me. Somehow my brain has linked all of that to my parents not being together even though I know that makes no sense.

It took two weeks to leave because I was afraid that me leaving would make my daughter blame me for breaking up the family and that our relationship would strain. She's a girl after all, and how many guys get custody of their daughters? Even if I had custody, I can't teach her to be a woman. Then I tried to convince myself that my wife's actions weren't that bad. I could get over it somehow.

In the end I left because the anger and hatred inside started to boil over and I found myself taking it out on my daughter. I was too frustrated to play with her, I was too consumed by my own hurt to read stories and be the silly daddy that she knows. I was yelling and making her go to time out for no good reason.

Plus my wife was still talking to OM behind my back. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, but I left. Three weeks later, I still break down wondering if I've put her on track for a screwed up life with daddy issues.

D-Day: January 2013
Me, BH: 31
Her, WW: 31
Married 10 years
Kids: Daughter, 3
Divorced: Sep 2013

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a 1yo and 4yo. At 3 mos post dday I feel like I would be long gone if it wasn't for the kids. Maybe its good to give me a reason to be patient and grounded for a while. I am giving myself a year. But if I feel like this on 10/28/13 I will leave. My kids deserve to have 2 happy loving parents. Together if possible, but seperate if needed.

33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My reasons for reconciling change from week to week Remorsefulgirl.

On Dday? My kids were my top priority, but not in the way other BS have described. I wasn't worried about them being from a divorced home. I just didn't want them being in a household with MOW who hates kids and is an alcoholic. I initially reconciled to make sure WH ended his A so my children would not be exposed to her.

Those of us, BS and WS alike, with children must always take them in to account when we ponder whether to R or D.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny that this gets brought up, just last weekend WH and I were talking about this.

He seems to think that I'm staying for the kids. I think the children do take up some of the percentage on why I stay. But if he wasnt doing the work and helping us heal, children or no children, I would have left. I want to be happy and have trust and honesty in Any relationship.

Im pretty sure that my Wh doesnt believe that I stay "just for the kids" I think I proved that in Dec on our 3rd dday. I was so done with trying. And then he "got it" and has been working very hard. I wont go thru another dday, I have told him this. 21 years together, 2kids and our whole lives intertwined, I will just walk away from it ALL if he does it again.

BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are the reason I chose to R. Had there been no children the outcome would have been different. I was the child of a cheating father and had a chaotic childhood and then they finally divorced. I never had a normal family and it was probably the single most important thing in the world to me was for my children to have a whole family. That said it has to be a happy family and I am not about to be married to a cheater and set that example. My husband is doing a lot of hard work and I have firmly set my boundaries and dealbreakers.

All that said, yes, the decison to R was based upon my children.

Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 422 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
♂ Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I did not have four great kids, there is no question I would be gone. I would not have allowed myself esteem from my WW's A to drive me to thoughts of suicide. I would have move on for sure. Her poor decisions pretty much vanquished 20 years of what I thought was a good marriage and a relationship that lasted almost 30 years. Now I'm the one on MEDS and I'm the one who's lost 25lbs and must buck up and hold this family and myself together for the sake everyone including my WW.

BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we both stayed because of the kids he stayed and chose to have an affair instead of leave because of the kids I stayed after DDay because I thought I loved him now that my feelings are fading I'm staying because of the kids

Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
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