That said, if they had been older, say teenagers, I would have packed up and left fairly quickly. Would I have filed for D? I don't know. I know that I was drug through the mud with my W's A's over a period of 8 years, and her cold reality that she was "never really into the M" her words as she came clean as to her Why's for all the infidelity really cut me deep and they do to this day.
Today she is almost a year sober, managing her bipolar disorder fairly well and been an all-around better person. She tells me she loves me, cherishes our M now and is completely devoted to me, but God damn, that sure did take blowing up the universe to get her to this point. And even now, I question many things. I know her permiscuity didn't begin with me; in fact it has spanned throughout all her adolescence and into her 30's, so for me to believe that overnight (or over a relatively short time period rather in perspective to her life's actions and thinking) she is madly in love with me now and wanting to be 100% faithful for all years to come is a farcry, honestly.
If she ever strays again, I will leave and sadly my family will have to feel the impact of the consequences for the years to come. But, if she stays the course of honesty, fidelity, devotion and sobriety from here on out, I cannot see myself leaving her and the boys. They are ALL too important to me. True, she will never "love" me the way I truly needed to be loved and still do, but she is at least giving me what she seems capable of without a veil of lies covering it all.
Like I said, very hard question to answer.
Status - Living separately since DD
Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.
I told WH (and also meant it for myself) that if he was only staying for the children, then he could go. That I deserved better than that, that I deserved to be loved for me. Because it was on each of the DDays that my heart was ripped apart - not my concerns for my children, although those thoughts came afterwards, but my heart. Ironically, it was discovering it all that made me realise how much I love WH, much more than I knew.
I want us to grow old together and not be one of those couples that split once the children have gone. If it had just been about the children, then we would not be together now.
Having said all that, on the hardest days, when everything felt numb and blank, seeing him with the children kept me going and reminded me of one of the reasons why I love him.
"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13
"Oh God give me
I am staying because I love him and I believe he can be helped with his problem of SA. If he had an addiction to alcohol or drugs I would stay with him provided he was doing all he could to recover.
It's better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one.
I am not judging anyone that stays for the sake of the kids, but for me personally it had no bearing on why I am staying to work it out.
I think if we didn't have a kid and he didn't get her pregnant I may have stayed and at least attempted reconciliation.
That was actually the point we were closest to divorce, because he let her in the house while our DS was there.
D was a viable option for me because of our DS. I did not want him to learn it was ok to lie, cheat, keep secrets, and break vows. R was more selfish, for me, I think. Because it meant our DS had to live with that slow painful process. I feel bad about that, actually.
[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 9:29 PM, February 18th (Monday)]
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Before D-Day I swore that I'd be out the door the minute someone cheated on me. On D-Day I was stopped cold in my tracks by the thought of my daughter. My parents weren't together and I had a very rough childhood because my mom put every guy she met before me. Somehow my brain has linked all of that to my parents not being together even though I know that makes no sense.
It took two weeks to leave because I was afraid that me leaving would make my daughter blame me for breaking up the family and that our relationship would strain. She's a girl after all, and how many guys get custody of their daughters? Even if I had custody, I can't teach her to be a woman. Then I tried to convince myself that my wife's actions weren't that bad. I could get over it somehow.
In the end I left because the anger and hatred inside started to boil over and I found myself taking it out on my daughter. I was too frustrated to play with her, I was too consumed by my own hurt to read stories and be the silly daddy that she knows. I was yelling and making her go to time out for no good reason.
Plus my wife was still talking to OM behind my back. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, but I left. Three weeks later, I still break down wondering if I've put her on track for a screwed up life with daddy issues.
On Dday? My kids were my top priority, but not in the way other BS have described. I wasn't worried about them being from a divorced home. I just didn't want them being in a household with MOW who hates kids and is an alcoholic. I initially reconciled to make sure WH ended his A so my children would not be exposed to her.
Those of us, BS and WS alike, with children must always take them in to account when we ponder whether to R or D.
He seems to think that I'm staying for the kids. I think the children do take up some of the percentage on why I stay. But if he wasnt doing the work and helping us heal, children or no children, I would have left. I want to be happy and have trust and honesty in Any relationship.
Im pretty sure that my Wh doesnt believe that I stay "just for the kids" I think I proved that in Dec on our 3rd dday. I was so done with trying. And then he "got it" and has been working very hard. I wont go thru another dday, I have told him this. 21 years together, 2kids and our whole lives intertwined, I will just walk away from it ALL if he does it again.
Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret
All that said, yes, the decison to R was based upon my children.
In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997
4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.
[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]