BUT to make that decision, I removed our son from the equation. With or without fWH, I would be a wonderful mom. With or without me, fWH is a great dad..
I wanted to make sure that I would be happy in 15 years, when DS left the house. That was how I made my decision.
Decided to R--Still new to it...
After watching WH work on his issues and actually attempt to do what I needed him to do (with some prodding from me) I actually allowed myself to believe that I am in this for myself.
He is not perfect, but he does try very hard to do the right thing. Hopefully he continues on the path.
I do know that if he does have another affair I am stronger now and will not hesitate to divorce. I know that I deserve to have a faithful and loving partner.
For me, looking back I thing having kids allowed me the excuse to try R as I felt a fool for wanting to try, I thought this was always a deal breaker for me and I'd kick him to the curb and never look back, big words but when it came down to it I was surprised at how much I still loved him and wanted to stay together, I pacified myself with the belief it was just for the kids, to give myself permission to stay, until I was ok with my decision.
This for me as well. I am going through the process of D now. The kids and fear initially pushed me towards R with my STBXWW but eventually her inability to change, rugsweeping, and inability to do the work helped me get over my fear and move towards D. Will it suck for the kids, yes, but it will suck less than them staying in a broken marriage that just gets worse over time. Also I was not to thrilled to have them grow up in a house and think to lvoing adults never hugged or touched each other. Better to come from 2 seperate homes than one completely broken home imo.
We didn't have kids at the time so that was not a factor. What we did have was a marriage vow that even adultery was not automatically grounds for D, so R was always a required first step by us.
The way WW played it out, there were plenty of grounds for D after all, but I didn't let her off the hook that easy.
Still married, decades later. Wasn't easy, I think R can be the hardest, best road. Sure was for me.
I am not attempting R "for the kids". I want to be able to tell my kids, if we do D, that I did everything in my power to save the M and the family unit. I understand I am taking the risk of losing their respect for attempting R with a man capable of what he has done, if/when they ever find out, even if it is their father.
I am taking a huge risk staying at all, and you better believe I am positioning myself for the best outcome for me and the kids if R fails. And I am prepared to leave the M, at a moment's notice, if I ever feel they are not in a setting that is in their best interests at this time. And their best interests include what is best for me, indirectly. And WH knows this, and will leave if I ask. It is one of many consequences he has had to face as a result of his choices, and he greatly cherishes any possibility to have a second chance.
So yes, I would have left if there were no children. And yes, I didn't think we would get this far, but I had to try. If there was not dramatic improvement, I would not still be in the M. And when it's all said and done, I still can't guarantee I will still be in the M in the future, regardless of whatever improvements have happened.
We went through the agony of the failed fertity gauntlet Before deciding to finally adopt. I still cannot belive my FWW would so selfishly jeopardize the family we stuggled so long to have. I stayed becaused my daughter deserved me to fight for the family I promised her when I committed to be her father. She has had in her life a Birth Mom, a Foster Mom, and a Forever Mom. I'm the only Dad. I'll be damned it I'm going to give up and walk out and let some other man raise her.
Now... had we no kids. This would have been the final straw. FWW has used the A behavior as some kind of twisted coping mechanism far too many times in our realtionship. The time before this I said the next time it happens I would walk. Then we had a family... and I'm still here.
[This message edited by Crumbled324 at 6:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]
I am glad I gave him a chance.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Endeavor to Persevere
The first few days I was in a shocked daze.
The kids were definately a BIG part of why I desperately wanted R. I just could not accept the fact that my familys life was over as I knew it. I was still under the illusion that my W was who I wanted her to be not the person she is.
The odd thing is I wanted R more then than WW, now WW is justified in her concern that D may still be in our future.
The TT continues along with the deceptions even though the deceptions now have nothing to do with A's, just how she chooses to live her life.
I am stronger now and now believe that the kids will somehow be okay if their mother decides not to do the work required to be a healthy person/wife.
If I discover ANY indication in the future of my W moving toward another A then I am GONE!!
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.