Can I trust again? It will take me a long time. I do know I have to trust myself. The hardest to accept is that the trust I had, the ability to not worry about him having an A are gone. At this point I can’t say I don’t worry about him cheating. If this does not fade I know the M can’t survive. I can’t handle living wondering what he is doing. It is not a life or a loving marriage. I hope to get back to the place I was before the A – trust and knowing he will not cheat.
Gotta love the life that we livin'
cry to the therapist about how the world did you wrong...
Anyone who has gotten support for self-pity in therapy has gotten some bad therapy. A decent IC will listen - and then move the client toward changing. The point of IC is to become more functional, not to become more satisfied with being dysfunctional.
IC isn't a cure-all - IC for a WS doesn't help a BS who wants R unless the WS's goals include R and unless the WS is willing to do the necessary work.
I hate to sound holier-than-thou, and I know that I do when I say I would never have cheated on my husband.
It's a fuckupedness that I can't attribute to anything other than what your IC said, "he wanted to and he could." Some folks have that sense of entitlement regardless of whether their Foo was good or bad.
It feels sort of liberating to accept that my husband cheated because he wanted to, it felt good, and he was selfish enough to go forward with two affairs. The possibility of my pain if I found out wasn't a strong enough deterrent. Because he wanted to cheat. Knowing that, I can put down a lot of the crap about his whys. His whys are for him to sort out. I just need to know that he won't betray me again. And, frankly, I will never "know" that again, after what he did.
I appreciate your post. It totally helps me.
But the truth for me is in my situation (WS is a SA) it is imperative for him to acknowledge what was going on in his head when he cheated. He has to figure it out for his recovery. Him being a SA and having sex with only hookers doesn't make the pain any less.
I may never know the whole truth, but he has admitted so very much to me that he didn't have to and he is working so hard to repair this mess and fix himself that for now, I have to accept I know enough to move on.
Does it still hurt like hell? yes! But the why of it all doesn't seem as a way to ease my pain anymore, but it is important for the marriage as a whole.
If they don't recognize why they cheated or what was in their fucked up head at the time,then they won't know how to stop it from happening again.
THE BOTTOM line is that my husband cheated on me....because he wanted to do it....PERIOD. now, i can sit here and go on all forever about why he did it...he needs ic, he needs help....he needs this and that to figure out the why.....blah, blah, blah....he cheated becasue he wanted to. and here is the dirty truth:
I agree with everything you said including the dirty truth.
No Why or Excuse or Explanation is going to make me feel better and I no longer care to know. What my WH showed me through this ordeal is how broken of an individual he actually is.
He IS someone that I never thought would be capable of doing the amount of damage he did.
That is the answer to the "why" question for me. I am enough. I deserve better. I need to remember that