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User Topic: The Whys, Excuses, and Explanations
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting to acceptance and decision to R is a difficult and painful process. I spent the first year after DDay trying to find out the “why” that would make sense. I have discovered the different whys only made accepting the A and trying to R much harder. The different whys were confusing and conflicting. The reality is there is no why that makes it all better. I believe the why is to help us BS to realize the A was not about us or what we were not doing. Once I came to the realization the A was not about me I could go on to the next stage which was the A had nothing to do with me or the problems in our marriage.

The A was because he could and had the opportunity and thought I would never find out. I even found an email sent 3 months after DDay (I found the email 9 months after it was sent – WH forgot to delete it) and he said he had no contact with OW since the week after DDay. So contact continued and the reason for the contact was – it was stupid. My point exactly – how stupid are you to continue to throw away our marriage?

The question is how you know they will never cheat again. The answer for me is I don’t – at least not at this stage. I have told WH this and he realizes I might never trust him again. So how do you attempt to R when you can’t trust them? The answer for me is he has to show me he wants to R and some of the things I need to see are:
1. His friends our friends of our marriage. They can’t disrespect our marriage
2. Cut back on drinking with the guys. Only meeting friends for drinks twice a week. No going to bars on the weekends unless I am there.
3. He needs to respect me
4. Work on his insecurity issues, selfish and narcissistic behavior
5. Stop expecting me to be just like him. I am a woman and he is a man – we are different people with different personalities.
6. Spend more time with the family and be involved in our kids activities

Can I trust again? It will take me a long time. I do know I have to trust myself. The hardest to accept is that the trust I had, the ability to not worry about him having an A are gone. At this point I can’t say I don’t worry about him cheating. If this does not fade I know the M can’t survive. I can’t handle living wondering what he is doing. It is not a life or a loving marriage. I hope to get back to the place I was before the A – trust and knowing he will not cheat.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sri and sorrow- I understand completely where you are coming from. My situation is the same-he did it cause he could, he liked sex with someone else and he cared nothing for me or my feelings after 25 years of being together. I truly dont think we will make it through this. Too much tt and dishonesty still. After too much time. He still thinks nothing of inflicting pain on me. I hate this place i am in.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cry to the therapist about how the world did you wrong...

Anyone who has gotten support for self-pity in therapy has gotten some bad therapy. A decent IC will listen - and then move the client toward changing. The point of IC is to become more functional, not to become more satisfied with being dysfunctional.

IC isn't a cure-all - IC for a WS doesn't help a BS who wants R unless the WS's goals include R and unless the WS is willing to do the necessary work.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10057 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at that big "why" point too so this post really resonates, because yes, in the back of my mind, even with the whys and explanations floating around, the fact is he fucked her 5 or more times. A ONS, I can see drunkenness being to blame, but when you do the same thing over and over again you obviously enjoyed it and thought you could get away with it, and didn't care enough to stop. Sad truth.

D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree. We all have baggage. My husband's baggage wasn't "bigger" than mine, just different.

I hate to sound holier-than-thou, and I know that I do when I say I would never have cheated on my husband.

It's a fuckupedness that I can't attribute to anything other than what your IC said, "he wanted to and he could." Some folks have that sense of entitlement regardless of whether their Foo was good or bad.

It feels sort of liberating to accept that my husband cheated because he wanted to, it felt good, and he was selfish enough to go forward with two affairs. The possibility of my pain if I found out wasn't a strong enough deterrent. Because he wanted to cheat. Knowing that, I can put down a lot of the crap about his whys. His whys are for him to sort out. I just need to know that he won't betray me again. And, frankly, I will never "know" that again, after what he did.

I appreciate your post. It totally helps me.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1467 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get why you keep asking and hoping that this one time you will hear something, anything, that will make you feel better and take away some of the unbearable pain.

But the truth for me is in my situation (WS is a SA) it is imperative for him to acknowledge what was going on in his head when he cheated. He has to figure it out for his recovery. Him being a SA and having sex with only hookers doesn't make the pain any less.

I may never know the whole truth, but he has admitted so very much to me that he didn't have to and he is working so hard to repair this mess and fix himself that for now, I have to accept I know enough to move on.

Does it still hurt like hell? yes! But the why of it all doesn't seem as a way to ease my pain anymore, but it is important for the marriage as a whole.

If they don't recognize why they cheated or what was in their fucked up head at the time,then they won't know how to stop it from happening again.

ME-BS 48
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
♀ Member
Member # 38284
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I'm afraid if he doesn't fully understand why he had an A, he will do it again. Outwardly he's a very confident guy and has never admitted to me or himself that he is really insecure and needs other people to approve of him so that he can feel good about himself. OW gave him that boost...that and his KISA complex. He felt better because he thought he was helping her in her marriage. He needs to work on self acceptance and not look towards sources of outward validation.

Me (35)
fWH (35)- emotional affair that ended after a ONS (1-24-13)
4 kids
"Ah yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."
-The Lion King

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THE BOTTOM line is that my husband cheated on me....because he wanted to do it....PERIOD. now, i can sit here and go on all forever about why he did it...he needs ic, he needs help....he needs this and that to figure out the why.....blah, blah, blah....he cheated becasue he wanted to. and here is the dirty truth:

I agree with everything you said including the dirty truth.

No Why or Excuse or Explanation is going to make me feel better and I no longer care to know. What my WH showed me through this ordeal is how broken of an individual he actually is.

He IS someone that I never thought would be capable of doing the amount of damage he did.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUMPING because this is one of the best threads I have read, & I think it will help a lot of others

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping because there's good stuff here and it's been awhile.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1467 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 43344
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love the post & thread. Thank you..I totally agree--my WH cheated because
1)he wanted to
2) he thought he could get away with it &
3) didn't stop until he got caught.

That is the answer to the "why" question for me. I am enough. I deserve better. I need to remember that

Me: BS 41
Him: WH 40
3 year LTA
DDay: June 4, 2013
Married 16 years
2 kids aged 9 & 7
Trying to decide if R is best for me

Posts: 85 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 51
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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