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Reconciliation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and kids are travelling to Connecticut to visit my wife's family for a week, Aug 11 to 17. I'm on the West Coast. It has been not quite 4 weeks since DDay. I am terrified of that week approaching, and coming home from work to an empty house.

While my wife is showing some remorse, or perhaps it's just guilt, she also has anger mixed in and I am concerned she will have her head filled up by her confidante, a cousin's wife, who was highly recommending separation because it worked for HER marriage, even though her marriage had no cheating in it. Doing this is not what our MC or my IC wants to see...they want us to give MC a try first, for the first 3-6 months. I guess we'll see what happens.

What do I do during that week of empty nights? I have no family here that can help. My Mum is very elderly and has dementia. I'll miss my kids terribly. My best friends are in Atlanta and Corpus Christi. The one person I have I could go to here isn't around during that week. While SI is wonderful, it doesn't substitute for a close friend who can give me a hug while I'm in pain.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH is away for work. His A took place a year ago on a work trip. I don't like one of the women he's working with, she doesn't display good boundaries. fWH says that his are good and he seems to regret his A tremendously...

It is definitely hard. Been triggering since he left. Not sleeping well. We email, text, Facetime, call... But, honestly? I am not that reassured... I'm in a paranoid/suspicious phase. The same things that used to reassure me don't quite cut it right now. Even the conversations we had before he left, he was reassuring, seems quite aware of his behaviour and attitudes, but there's part of my brain that can twist anything he says right now, and our efforts just get flushed down the toilet.

This cynicism, paranoia is counter-productive, but I can't help it right now. It's where I'm at, and what I try to do is stay neutral instead of getting all uptight about my lack of trust/suspicions right now.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thimk this is one of the hardest ways of living for even couples that A hasn't infected their lives. I know for my BS working away is a killer the drive away and the drive home. For me the world stops. Not being able to hear his voice, as we all know skype kinda sucks , or feel his arms. Not being able to talk about anything that might rock the boat whether he's hear or at work makes things stilted. The knowing that he is wondering all the time what I am doing and me trying to make sure I don't detuer to a different store. Allways just plain missing him makes the time hard. By the time he gets back home he is so stressed and if we are lucky he gets 24 to maybe 48 hours to normalize before he is off again. If anything is going to make this R not work it will be the added stress of the job he has. As a WS I struggle with the saddness and the knowledge of what he is going through. I take pictures of the things the kids and I are doing I send update text about but where Im going what I am doing. And just little text on how I feel about him. I can only hope that can help someday.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad to find this thread. WH travels a lot off and on. . .although his affair did not take place on a trip, the emailing to the AP did, and the affair ironically happened during a period where he was gone nearly half the time.

Just found out last night that we are in for a period of hightenend travel again. It is hard. He had one trip since DD which went ok, but I was still in shock. I wish there were another option work-wise, for sure.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2081 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take pictures of the things the kids and I are doing I send update text about but where Im going what I am doing. And just little text on how I feel about him

Joanh- Those are great things to do. I am a BS who travels. I love getting the updates of what is going on at home. The driving is the worst part, to much alone thinking time makes me crazy. I have found listening to spoken word such as motivational speakers or books on tape keeps my mind more engaged that music with less time to wander.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHY???? Why is it still so hard to leave? WHY???

I just left for a three day trip. I was supposed to leave at 9. I finally forced myself out of the house at noon. I was up at 5:30, unable to sleep. My stomach is in knots. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. and my eyes keep welling up.

It just doesn't make sense. There hasn't been anything even close to a red flag in months. I am 99% confident nothing is going to happen while I'm away. We have an amazing routine to help me feel safe.

Its not logical and it makes me feel crazy. Like padded room crazy.

ETA: this is like my 50th trip since DDay. Its nothing new!!!!

[This message edited by Chicho at 12:01 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
scarredforever
♀ Member
Member # 23875
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Chicho. Deep breaths. You will be okay.


"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

Mark Twain

Me-BS 52
Him-WS 53
Together 33 years

6-5-06 Day of Reckoning

"The acquired inability to escape"


Posts: 1058 | Registered: May 2009 | From: swfl
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chico)))


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Jun 2012
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. It's traumatic, simple as that. WH is taking many trips this fall, just came home from two weeks abroad, and it makes me sweat just thinking about it.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH is currently on a business trip in the city where he had his A(several hundred miles away from home). OW still lives there. Huge triggers there,and it's been bad for me for the last several days. We went to MC yesterday and it was helpful...at least I thought it was til now. fWH left me a beautiful love note,hid a piece of jewelry for me to find,is keeping me updated on where he is and what he's doing. Displacement maybe,because he just texted me that his dad wants to go to our daughter's game on Monday,and I wigged out on him and told him to just leave me alone,I'll talk to him in the morning. Sometime,I hate the hamster wheel of thoughts.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally10 is currently away on business. We talked through some things before he left, and he's been in good contact.
I still get triggery since that was his ONS situ- away on business.
Ugh.
I've kept very busy but have still had a few meltdowns. Doubts and fears rampage through my head. I don't see this changing.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto. He's gone in his 3rd trip since dday. Affair happened while on a trip. The whole thing is a trigger. Taking care of the kids and house while he's gone, cause that's what I was doing while he was having sex with someone else. The hotel room, the calls, the texts. All of it is just too much.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What makes it even crazier is that by 3pm I was fine. Anxiety gone. Thoughts gone. Completely relaxed and in the groove of work. If I follow the same pattern of previous trips I should be fine the rest of the trip until I get about 10 miles from home and it will start again.

ETA: It does get a little easier each trip. I guess just not as fast as I want it to.

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does get a little easier each trip

This is good to hear. Thanks, Chico.
And I hope the return evolves to be only happy anticipation.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This one Brokensmile322?


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep! Thanks for bumping!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Jun 2012
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for bumping this thread, it's exactly what I needed today. (I posted in R this morning with "R with a wayward who travels") I knew there we a bunch of us, but didn't realize there were THIS many.

WH works nights so one of us is always at work. Communication is sporadic - quick calls and texts. Skype isn't possible unless it's at 2 or 3 am and that doesn't make for very productive conversations.

He gets home tonight so there will be a respite to the chaos in my head, but in another week it will be back with a vengeace.

I need off this roller coaster, I feel like I'm losing my mind.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 341 | Registered: Sep 2013
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for bumping this thread. Last night, my H was away for business for the first time since D-Day. The night before we left, I was triggering because in addition to it being the first trip, OW had travelled with him on two previous trips. I had never travelled with H on a business trip as we have four children. One of the most hurtful things for me was realizing that she was his first business trip companion.

In any event, H has tried to alleviate my mistrust. He sent me a video of the penthouse suite he was upgraded to, pictures of his dinner and restaurant, texted and we spoke on the phone last night and this morning. I have copies of his hotel registration and flight number. There are no red flags. But I still have lingering doubts.

After all of this, here is my question. Should I take the kids and meet him at the airport? Or should I stick with my original plan to take the kids to our club pool after school and have H meet us there for dinner? If I show up at the airport, will it be a step backwards because I am giving in to my fears? Or would it be better to stay relaxed and focused on my kids and gauge H's reaction when he arrives at the club and talk afterwards?


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
beebee
♀ New Member
Member # 40632
DOH!  Posted: 12:49 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to cope with my husband's first trip since D-Day. His affair started when he felt free to text the OW late at night when he was out of town. Over the course of a few trips the texts increased; later came phone calls, some that lasted an hour or so - she's local, so the PA started when he was home, but the trips enabled things to get "revved up."

As he got ready to leave today, I was triggering: I even got tearful. I asked for a promise not to text any women other than me, a promise which he gave with a big hug.

He texted me often today, and called a few times too. But he texted me about that same frequency when he traveled before - his phone records showed that on some days, he texted her 10 times more than he texted me. (I'm sure it was sexting.) So I wasn't all that comforted by the texts. The phone calls did help, though.

It's not that I don't think he'll "behave" on this trip - I know the affair is over, and I truly doubt he'll use this occasion to start another one. It's just bringing back the bad memories of what I THOUGHT was going on the last time he went on a trip, and what was REALLY going on.


me: bs
him: ws
affair was short but the hurt goes on
reconciliation: mc is helping

Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So things have been SO great between us, I mean wonderful. But the travel is still such a trigger, even when I think I am prepared for it. I took him to the airport this morning, was very happy and once i got home and hadn't heard from him I was overwhelmed with anxiety, sadness, chest pain. I was crying.....texted him, called, please keep in contact with me, which he usually does. He did, he had just got thru security. I HATE this. The travel is a *****trigger for me and makes me crazy. I hate my reactions. I have reached a point where I am so strong and then this happens. I hate this.

Meplusfour-I think when you come home from travel it is wonderful to have someone there waiting for you at the airport. When you can meet your husband at the airport


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 160
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