While my wife is showing some remorse, or perhaps it's just guilt, she also has anger mixed in and I am concerned she will have her head filled up by her confidante, a cousin's wife, who was highly recommending separation because it worked for HER marriage, even though her marriage had no cheating in it. Doing this is not what our MC or my IC wants to see...they want us to give MC a try first, for the first 3-6 months. I guess we'll see what happens.
What do I do during that week of empty nights? I have no family here that can help. My Mum is very elderly and has dementia. I'll miss my kids terribly. My best friends are in Atlanta and Corpus Christi. The one person I have I could go to here isn't around during that week. While SI is wonderful, it doesn't substitute for a close friend who can give me a hug while I'm in pain.
It is definitely hard. Been triggering since he left. Not sleeping well. We email, text, Facetime, call... But, honestly? I am not that reassured... I'm in a paranoid/suspicious phase. The same things that used to reassure me don't quite cut it right now. Even the conversations we had before he left, he was reassuring, seems quite aware of his behaviour and attitudes, but there's part of my brain that can twist anything he says right now, and our efforts just get flushed down the toilet.
This cynicism, paranoia is counter-productive, but I can't help it right now. It's where I'm at, and what I try to do is stay neutral instead of getting all uptight about my lack of trust/suspicions right now.
We are in R.
Just found out last night that we are in for a period of hightenend travel again. It is hard. He had one trip since DD which went ok, but I was still in shock. I wish there were another option work-wise, for sure.
I edit, therefore I am.
I take pictures of the things the kids and I are doing I send update text about but where Im going what I am doing. And just little text on how I feel about him
I just left for a three day trip. I was supposed to leave at 9. I finally forced myself out of the house at noon. I was up at 5:30, unable to sleep. My stomach is in knots. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. and my eyes keep welling up.
It just doesn't make sense. There hasn't been anything even close to a red flag in months. I am 99% confident nothing is going to happen while I'm away. We have an amazing routine to help me feel safe.
Its not logical and it makes me feel crazy. Like padded room crazy.
ETA: this is like my 50th trip since DDay. Its nothing new!!!!
[This message edited by Chicho at 12:01 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
Together 33 years
6-5-06 Day of Reckoning
"The acquired inability to escape"
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.
ETA: It does get a little easier each trip. I guess just not as fast as I want it to.
[This message edited by Chicho at 10:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
It does get a little easier each trip
WH works nights so one of us is always at work. Communication is sporadic - quick calls and texts. Skype isn't possible unless it's at 2 or 3 am and that doesn't make for very productive conversations.
He gets home tonight so there will be a respite to the chaos in my head, but in another week it will be back with a vengeace.
I need off this roller coaster, I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9
In any event, H has tried to alleviate my mistrust. He sent me a video of the penthouse suite he was upgraded to, pictures of his dinner and restaurant, texted and we spoke on the phone last night and this morning. I have copies of his hotel registration and flight number. There are no red flags. But I still have lingering doubts.
After all of this, here is my question. Should I take the kids and meet him at the airport? Or should I stick with my original plan to take the kids to our club pool after school and have H meet us there for dinner? If I show up at the airport, will it be a step backwards because I am giving in to my fears? Or would it be better to stay relaxed and focused on my kids and gauge H's reaction when he arrives at the club and talk afterwards?
As he got ready to leave today, I was triggering: I even got tearful. I asked for a promise not to text any women other than me, a promise which he gave with a big hug.
He texted me often today, and called a few times too. But he texted me about that same frequency when he traveled before - his phone records showed that on some days, he texted her 10 times more than he texted me. (I'm sure it was sexting.) So I wasn't all that comforted by the texts. The phone calls did help, though.
It's not that I don't think he'll "behave" on this trip - I know the affair is over, and I truly doubt he'll use this occasion to start another one. It's just bringing back the bad memories of what I THOUGHT was going on the last time he went on a trip, and what was REALLY going on.
Meplusfour-I think when you come home from travel it is wonderful to have someone there waiting for you at the airport. When you can meet your husband at the airport