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Reconciliation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is gone 4 days this week and will be gone 3 days next week(2 years from dday is next week)and I'm feeling very anxious, again He said some wonderful things to me Sunday night and Monday morning had wonderful "us" time but I still have anxiety that comes out of nowhere when he is gone. I do have to say it is better than a year ago.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 610 | Registered: Oct 2011
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((forgivingnow)))

Definitely hard being apart over a day that has significance, whether a good one like a holiday, or a bad one like an antiversary.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
1Emptyglass
♀ New Member
Member # 37548
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

8 days into an 18 day stretch apart. We try not to have to go more than 12-14 days. This is the beginning of affair season and the OW sent him a fishing text the night after he left here last week. Of course he let me know right away and did not respond, but it's been a roller coaster week anyway.


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
changedforlife
♀ Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH left early this morning for a week long business trip. His PA took place while on business trips and on his last business trip he broke NC. So this is going to be a hard week for me.

I've told him that I need to have lots of contact via text, phone, skype, etc. but on his last trip when he broke NC we were doing that then, too. I had no idea that he was still in contact with her at that time.

Plus, she knows that he is traveling this week and I found out that she will also be "heading somewhere warm and sunny" this week. I don't think in the same area but what do I know? Even if she isn't in the same area, she could try to initiate contact knowing I am nowhere near.

I scheduled an IC session for this week knowing it would be a hard week. I'm not sure my IC is really working for me though. It is good to talk about it but that is all that it is, me talking. I haven't been going for long but I hate the thought of going through the whole thing again with a new IC though.

So, my plan is to try to keep busy this week as much as possible. I have a spare room (junk room) that really needs to be cleaned out. That should pass some time and keep my mind from wandering too much. I hope.


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

67 days done. 7 to go. This is my macbook desktop...

I'll write a lot more about this when I get back, but in the meantime...

--communicate. every day. without fail
--run your life as if your spouse is in the room with you. not a bad rule for life in general tbh
--look for opportunities to share interesting things that happen
--recognise it's scary.
--do what you can to ease fear and worry, even if it means being on the phone all night
--drop everything else immediately if your spouse is frightened. No excuses from either side.
--become each other's best friend - send a thousand stupid texts rather than 1 big one a day.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 4:48 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost there LH!!

Luckily my next business trip I get to take TG with me!! AWESOME


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
1Emptyglass
♀ New Member
Member # 37548
Angry  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another suspected fishing attempt from the OW. Work upgraded their email about a month ago and in the process all previously blocked mail became unblocked. The mail was something forwarded to FWH and two others urging them to vote for some chef for a contest. It was random and if it had been sent to many emails I might have thought it was spammed from her email. I think she is just letting him know she is still there. (she sent him a text 12 days ago). After 18 months since it was over when will she get a clue IT IS OVER? I told him it meant a lot to me that he told me immediately and showed me the email, but it still sucks to have her stalking him. He is home in 5 more days!!


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
hurting7897
♀ Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so happy to have found this thread!!!! Most of my fwh's A's occurred on business trips as well and like many BS we depend on his income so him quitting hasn't been a viable option.

I was impressed when my H asked for a different position (after d-day#3) within his company that would require less travel and he was granted the position. He was home for about 6 months at first and we were able to talk for hours every evening and our R really accelerated. Now he's having to travel more in this new position which we knew was coming but yeah, like many other BS's, he has to go to one ofnthe places he had his A on a regular basis and it is very hard on both of us.

I also start to get anxiety a few days before. I have gotten better, but sometimes I find myself spending hours going through his home office and the boxes in our basement looking for more evidence. I become a raging, out-of-control lunatic and I will usually find something to (temporarily) hang him with--a flight receipt, a restaurant receipt I deem too expensive for what he claims, you name it. I get all worked up and put him through hell and he's often 2000 miles away, in meetings and can't defend himself or deal with me.

We have been working in MC how to deal with the triggers of his travel but this thread helps me more! Hearing everyone's similar struggles.

Knowing now that he lied to my face so many times, even lied in texts about where he was and who he was with, to the ultimate betrayal of coming home to me like he was Mr. Faithful while I was home taking care of our two small kids is like a knife in the gut.

Thank you for starting this thread! Hugs to all of us struggling with this issue!


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does OW know your husband will be traveling this week?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6116 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is nice to see this back on the first page. I was going to start a thread this morning but I will put it here instead.


I have been away from home for a couple days. I woke up this morning from an A nightmare. It felt so hopeless, alone, with no one to talk to. I could have called but my fws was just about to get the kids up and start the morning routine.

I sent a text just saying nightmares. I got a couple nice ones back. That should hold me over until we can talk in an hour or so.

Thanks for keeping this thread alive.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is traveling this week & I had bad dreams Sunday morning that he was cheating again. When I'm awake my gut says he is not and truly our relationship is in a wonderful & passionate place. I told my husband I was having bad dreams & he knows what that means...I asked him if he thought dreams meant anything & he said, no, but sometimes it tells you of something you may be afraid of.
Yes, for me, travel is still a trigger. He is doing everything right: calls me, emails, texts, told me how fortunate & grateful he is for me but it is still hard.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 610 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been a while since I posted on this thread. My travel has been a lot lighter the last couple months. We had a good routine going for my trips. Lot of text and chat messages, video chats in the morning and at night, calls whenever possible, pictures of places and thing they were doing.

All of my trips had kind of a security blanket. Almost every night away was planned with DD12 being home. It was highly unlikely that men would be invited to the house if she was home. I know, if a cheater us going to cheat, they will find a way. But it gave me a little sense of comfort.

I am leaving Saturday for a work trip to las Vegas. DD12 is away at camp. I wouldn't call what I'm feeling anxiety just an uneasiness. Thoughts of high school waiting for parents to go away to through wild parties. I am not the parent of my fWS and I try not to be. I hope she doesn't see me as such and have the urge to rebel.

I know that the point where bad things happen is when obsession and opportunity meet. I don't sense any obsession at all, no distancing, no distraction, which makes me mostly at ease. But just that little bit of increased opportunity is toying with my mind.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico, sorry that is messing with you. I imagine you have a communication routine for when you are traveling? Have you and the wife talked about what she is going to do while your away?

I think those are the 2 biggest things we do is 1. Have a routine and expectation on communication and 2. We let each other know what we are going to be doing. I am sure you already have this down as the OP, but thought I'd throw that out.

About 2 more weeks and no more travel for me, new job and town for TG and I. I have only had a travel job for 2 years and honestly I don't know how ya'll regular travelers do it long term. I love flying and travel, but will be glad to get out of sales and back to a routine I feel more comfortable with.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've sensed some discomfort in your recent posts- it seems true that year 2 sucks. I'm not looking forward to it.

Here's the thing I decided in my case. At some point we can't parent them, be the policeman. You acknowledge this. I made the announcement to WH this week that I could no longer be the "bad guy" and try to control any waywardness in him. It is too exhausting and was distracting me from moving forward with my own healing. It's time for him to firmly hold to his boundaries as an adult husband and worthy partner should. It's up to him. He can continue to practice what he has learned without a leash. In doing that, both he and I can move to an adult-adult relationship. He craves this, as do I.

You love your wife, that is clear. Maybe this separation is an opportunity for her to show you for sure she is truly fWW and that she is the partner you deserve.
Skype, text frequently, call each other, comfort each other. Whatever you need. Maybe this is a steppingstone to a better place.

Wishing you a peaceful heart.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico,

I can relate to your post in the sense that I have had a few of my own 'security blankets' in place during travel the past year.

The past few trips, the band aid was ripped off, so to speak, and I was left dealing with no more security blanket in place.

It was hard, but you know what? I ended up coming to the conclusion that So Very Sad came to as well. I can't control my WH. It was actually a very freeing thing. It came right in the middle of WH's trip, when I was still trying to control, and I finally just stopped and said to myself that I could not care anymore. It was making me a mess. I thought about myself. I realized that I am stronger today than I was back on dday or even when the A was happening. I am a different person now. I know I will never go through this again. I don't want to live scared anymore. I put it back on my WH. I put the responsibility back on WH. His fidelity is his issue and I can't control what he does. I will be ok if he messes up again, but I won't be with him.

I think my WH senses my shift in thinking. I haven't verbalized it. I think it scares him actually. I think he is sensing my independence. I feel great.

Maybe this trip is where your band aid will be ripped off. It really feels so great. The heavy burden is no longer on me.

I hope this will be the same for you. We are here for you. I have no doubt that you and broevil will do great during this time!!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2012
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H travels a lot and during the A with OW, added weekends to his trips telling me and the kids he had to work but he wasn't.

The first year after Dday he hardly traveled at all and if he did I went with him. I continued to travel with him during the second year but started to be less anxious as he has shown to be remorseful and transparent.

Almost four years out and I am relaxed when he travels now and even more important, he works hard to arrange his schedules so he is home as much as possible. During the A, he was never around.

I still travel with him when he goes to OW's country but it's become a chance to sightsee and do things together when he's not at work. Now we stay over weekends enjoying the hotel ...

Almost four years out since Dday and the anxiety and worry about travel is pretty much gone and new habits we've developed - texting, SKYPING, emailing schedules, etc. - have really helped. Pre A, two or three days would go by and we wouldn't communicate because H was in a different time zone and I was busy working. Now we talk every morning and every night, at minimum.

Traveling adds a whole different stress to infidelity, but as SoVerySadNow wrote:

It is too exhausting and was distracting me from moving forward with my own healing. It's time for him to firmly hold to his boundaries as an adult husband and worthy partner should. It's up to him.

There came a point when I decided I can live with or without my H and he needs to do the work to keep me here. It is exhausting to be on 'high alert' all the time and that is not the way I choose to live. If my H decides to cheat again, I know I'd eventually find out and I'd be just fine, on my own.

Each year has gotten better for me as I've grown and changed. Time....there's that word again......



BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1686 | Registered: Mar 2010
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch ouch ouch. My WH has alway traveled for work and one of the reasons he got on AFF was to find women in other cities. When I found this out I literally had to leave work and cry in bed all day. He will always have work travel because of his profession. I do not know how to deal with this.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 634 | Registered: May 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tripletrouble)))

It does get easier with time and watching the growth in your WS. It is not debilitating like it once was. At 19 months out it is like a minor trigger now.

There are a lot of great suggestions throughout this thread to help ease you mind while he is away. Don't be afraid to ask him for what you need. He should be willing to do whatever it takes. 


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

For Tripletrouble.


Posts: 7020 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 160
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