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User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dup post.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 2:02 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jun 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Dameia!

Do you talk while he is away? Even before the A's, having a traveling partner requires ALOT of trust. There is so much opportunity.

What things do you both have in place to make you feel more comfortable? It really is going to take both you to work through it together. Are you suffering alone because he doesn't know how you feel? If so, you need to tell him.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jun 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support. We do talk, usually in the evening. He knows that his travel is hard for me, so he tries to be supportive. He will text me when he can, we usually video chat in the evening, and if I ask him to send me a picture of his surroundings he will, but today I'm just struggling and feeling paranoid.

We had a great two weeks leading up to this trip, so I'm trying not bring him down, especially since V-Day is tomorrow. Also I always worry about us getting in an argument and then he gets on a plane and it crashes, and then I would spend the rest of my life feeling guilty.

I think its just one of those irrational, feel crazy type of days.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1139 | Registered: Jul 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dameia
Ask for what you need. Every day is different. There are some days I am away that we barely talk. But on days when one of us is in a bad place. We chat almost constantly. Try not to let the irrational fears stop you from getting the support you need for the real fears.

I have been hung up today about vday. I will be getting home late tomorrow night. I feel like I need to do something extraordinary because I will be missing most of the day and if I don't make it grand she will cheat again.

I just told her how I was feeling an hour or so ago and she said all she wanted was for me to come home and snuggle.

Communication communication communication.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2012
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great place to get it all out. I too have a husband who works away from home for half the year (3 months on 3 off). Ex serviceman and now merchant seaman.

Bloody hard going when life is so fragmented, and I HATE it! So much more diffricult to gain any ground in R this way!


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't sleep. Its 230 am. I'm having passing A thoughts. Not enough to drive myself crazy but just enough to keep me up. The drive home tomorrow is going to suck.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2012
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope you got some sleep Chicho.

My WH travels internationally every month. He does not go to the country where ow is, but she is a short flight away.

Now I don't get as worried about the travel as I did before, but he broke no contact with a phone call on his first trip, and it really set me back.

I find sleep w hard thing when he is gone. I go to bed later and really burn self out.

We have frequent phone and email contact. And he gives me constant updates on his schedule. But if he wants to have contact with her or another affair, he will. I have to trust my resolve if confronted with this again, and have faith in the work he is doing on himself. It has gotten easier with time.

Take care if yourselves. Ask for what you need.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Stillhurting1977
♀ Member
Member # 37247
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread! My WH is a pilot, so he spends a lot of time out of town. It makes it extremely hard to rebuild trust. Especially since my WH went out of town when OW was there a year after D Day. That was almost the end of our marriage, very close.
I get very anxious about a day before he leaves and it usually ends up with me crying. Wen he is away, I get very anxious when he doesn't text or call to say goodnight. I recently told him he needs to make sure to stay in frequent contact to avoid my anxiety from spiralling and to make me feel safe.
I wonder if it ever gets easier. I am 1 1/2 years out and still struggling a lot. Blah....


D day Sept 2011
D Day # 2 March 15, 2013 (he never stopped the first affair, it went underground)
Me BW 36
Him WH 37
One little guy: 26 months
Status: Seperated, Divorcing

" Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Ro


Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arrrg...I am leaving again today til Saturday night. Then I will leave again Monday for a week.

We had a rough night a couple nights ago. There was a boundary issue and lies. We worked through it. But I am definitely not in a good place to be traveling. My suspicions and doubts are higher than they have been in months.

I have to remember that it doesn't matter whether I am home or away. Watching or not watching. If she is going to be faithful she is going to be faithful. If she's not there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I need to keep the focus on me and my healing.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico I'm so sorry to hear that you have to leave right now, when you seems to be struggling.

You are right...if it's going to happen again there is nothing you can do to stop it. Hopefully, you fWS will show you that she is completely trustworthy, and do whatever she can to ease your mind while traveling.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1139 | Registered: Jul 2012
WishingForLethe
♀ Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a timely thread! My BS traveled almost full time for ten years of our marriage. After DDay, he stopped traveling almost entirely, which has been great.

He is still in limbo and having some rough days.

He just got a new contract which will require him to travel again. Not as much as before but fairly often and some international.

Part of me is panicking! I am worried we are going to lose some of this communication and closeness we are rebuilding. He is so busy when he is gone, it is not like we can stay in close contact. I am supporting whatever he needs for his work, and i think our communication skills are so much better not, but I am worried we will start that "developing separate lives" feeling again and he will decide there is no point in staying in the M. I know I can't control what he decides, but I think the daily interactions and closeness are so necessary. Ug- it would be hard for this to come at a worse time.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So im trying a new tactic.

I am on my way home. I have been away for a couple days. I will be home in 2 hours. In 2 hours I can get myself pretty excited to get home only to be disappointed by a less than stellar greeting or feeling like the excitement is not reciprocated.

So I just called home to find out exactly what I was going to be walking into, so I can set my e pectations accordingly. "How are you doing? How are you feeling? Are you exhausted? Are you tired? Are you cranky?

[This message edited by Chicho at 6:54 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2012
watchtheskyy
♀ Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great topic!

My WH works in ND and he's gone 3wks then home 1 wk. It's a tough schedule but I don't worry about him starting a new affair because we are still reeling from the old one and he works in the middle of nowhere on an oilrig. Like someone else said, I'm tired of being the "probabtion officer" and I hope he knows if he goes there, our marriage is over.

My issues have come with now that he's in a city he's been going to bars with "the guys" even though he knows I'm not okay with it (I was ok with it before DDay). It's been frustrating and a huge source of tension...but he just keeps doing it. Does anyone else have issues with their spouse kind of having a little too much fun while they're gone??

I'm a SAHM too...I have three kids and my oldest is three if that tells you anything. I basically avoid going out because of all the hassel, plus I have no babysitter or family to give me a break.


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
watchtheskyy
♀ Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great topic!

My WH works in ND and he's gone 3wks then home 1 wk. It's a tough schedule but I don't worry about him starting a new affair because we are still reeling from the old one and he works in the middle of nowhere on an oilrig. Like someone else said, I'm tired of being the "probabtion officer" and I hope he knows if he goes there, our marriage is over.

My issues have come with now that he's in a city he's been going to bars with "the guys" even though he knows I'm not okay with it (I was ok with it before DDay). It's been frustrating and a huge source of tension...but he just keeps doing it. Does anyone else have issues with their spouse kind of having a little too much fun while they're gone??

I'm a SAHM too...I have three kids and my oldest is three if that tells you anything. I basically avoid going out because of all the hassel, plus I have no babysitter or family to give me a break.


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I seem to have found this thread at just the right time.

My husband is in the army and away a lot. When he's in the country it's not so bad as we can stay in touch more which helps a lot. He had his affair whilst on an exercise in Arizona(we're in the UK) thinking i would never find out . I told him if he ever went back to the US we were done.

I have a problem now though as his work now want him to go back and i have no idea how to deal with this?? He said he will refuse to go and get our welfare team to back him up but it just means he will end up with shit dumped on him in other ways no doubt which will no doubt have a detrimental affect on our family time together which feels scant as it is.

Part of me says i'm being daft as if he's going to cheat he'll do it regardless of whether he is in the country or out and regardless of whether he is in arizona back on her territory or not, plus i don't want to be seen to be backing down. The other part of me thinks i'm being perfectly reasonable in saying if he ever goes back that's it for me.

Any advice much appreciated.


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
watchtheskyy
♀ Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a problem now though as his work now want him to go back and i have no idea how to deal with this?? He said he will refuse to go and get our welfare team to back him up but it just means he will end up with shit dumped on him in other ways no doubt which will no doubt have a detrimental affect on our family time together which feels scant as it is

HW--I was in the military and I know what a pain in the butt it can be to get out of an assignment. It can bite you from all directions-I've seen it done. Either situation is going to leave you with less family time so why not let him do what's best for your marriage if he's willing?


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
changedforlife
♀ Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad I found this post.

brokensmile322 - I too feel the same as you do regarding WH's travel. Before I found out about the A, I was jealous of his travel while I had to stay at home and care for our preschooler.

Now I know that he chose his last business trip location so he could be close to the OW and it was there plus another business trip when he had his A.

We have been trying to R and had NC set up but I just found out that he broke NC. He had a business trip 2 weeks ago but it was nowhere in the area of the OW so I felt OK. We texted and talked
a lot and I thought there was still NC....NOPE! The first night he was gone, he contacted her.

We are still trying to R but it is tough. And he has another business trip scheduled in 3 weeks where he will be gone for a week. I honestly don't know how I am going to handle it. I tell myself the same as others do. If he wants to cheat, he will find a way no matter where he is and I cannot be his keeper. But I am already anxious.


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for starting this thread. I hope that one of the Admins can add it into the I can relate section.

Almost all of WW LTA was about travel.

Early in the LTA rarely I would leave for work earlier than WW. I found out later these occasions were preplanned by WW and OM. He would be hiding in the neighborhood and would sneak in after I left and do the deed in our bed.

Then we moved several thousand miles away. WW would then travel back *home* to see *friends*. She would insist that I just drop her off at the departures stop at the airport. And she would go off to see OM. For one of the years of her LTA I remember her being gone about half the time. She would fly back and spend 2 weeks with *friends* then come back and be a holy terror around me for 2 weeks. Sometimes she would call about the time she was set to return and tell me that she was delaying her return. So sometimes she was gone longer than 2 weeks.

While she was gone she would not answer phone calls. I remember one time right as I got home from work my Son told me WW had called and I had just missed the call. I had not spoken to her for a week and was excited to do so. So I ran up stairs, lay down on the bed and called her. I was REALLY looking forward to hearing her voice and catching up with all that was going on for her out there. When she answered I got *oh. its you.* followed by one of the most hate filled barrages I have ever heard. She told me I was trying to *control* her and that I was a awful and horrible person.

Those were really terrible times.

And now WW frequently travels out to that same place. We have children that now live out there. And that is why she goes. We have allot of animals and so its hard but not impossible for us to travel together. But most of the time she goes on her own.

OM still lives out there. And the whole area is filled with triggers for me. I hate being out there. But we have kids so what can we do?

WW still goes out of communication sometimes and I go crazy. She always comes up with a reasonable explanation for these times. Still though its very hard.

What has helped.

I am a person that is very sensitive to patterns of behavior. So changing the pattern even a little helps.

I go with her into the airport now instead of dropping her off at the curb.

WW calls more frequently. Not frequently enough though.

WW posts pictures on FB or sends them to me on email.

We Skype in the evenings.

Again thanks for this thread.
R


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The new tactic worked
My Expectations were inline with what I came home to. It may have been the best return home yet.

I leave again tomorrow though and the anxiety is starting. I will actually be traveling with my boss this time so phone contact will be a little more limited. More chats and texts.

I use to love the travel. The excitement of new places. The wining and dining. Not so much any more. Usually its lonely being away from family. I would swap places and be the SAHD in a second if it was possible.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2012
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks watchthesky i think you are right and this is what he has chosen to do


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 160
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