The two days before and the day I leave are the worst. Sometimes the anxiety builds without me even noticing why. It helps to remember what is happening and know that it is only temporary.
Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need. If texts aren't doing it, ask for more calls or pictures or whatever.
Lately broevil has been sending me silly pictures of the kids. Just out of the blue. It helps me to feel a part of while I am apart from.
I was downsized from my plant position almost a year ago but moved to corporate. In my new role I work from home and travel and you guessed it - while I was traveling and killing myself to keep my job to provide for us (always have had the larger salary, better benefits etc) he started an A with a co-worker that is about half his age.
I need to post my story in my profile but I have been traveling again since about June - 2-3 days every other week and while it hasn't been easy we have been doing ok. The kicker is I am slated to start traveling 5 days a week soon in preparation for a promotion that will most likely require a relo and I am triggering all over the place.
I am so glad this place is here to support so many hurting people.
[This message edited by SoLongSam at 1:22 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]
Your WS needs to take on the responsibility to make you feel safe. I offered my fWS ideas at what would help and she came up with many on her own. Communicate your fears and anxieties. Don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you need.
Early on I asked for a text message every 30 min, what kind of trouble could she get into in 30 min? And if she had it would at least ruin the moment for her . It was like clock work, a text every 30 min on the dot.
Another huge one was a "No Voicemail" rule. She was expected to answer the phone 24/7 no excuses. I could call whenever I felt anxious. There is nothing worse than getting voicemail.
It does get easier. Slowly, but it does.
Its just hard knowing he's thinking and he hating me when he's away, and I am the cause of those feeling. That I can't help him. The distance of this job only enhances the feeling helpless
God I hate this nightmare!!!! and I can't wake up
I travel for work. Her activities happened while I was away on trips. I have one that I have to go on next week and the anxiety is almost overpowering (my first trip since D-day).
Honestly though, I'm glad that I'm not in the place many people here are, where their traveling spouse cheated. I couldn't live with her even keeping a traveling job if that were the case.
I'm really not looking forward to this trip, but your post about your wife sending random pictures of the kids brought a smile to my face. I'll suggest that one to my wife.
I'm absolutely dreading the flight home though. I had already had major anxiety at this time before D-day. This is going to SUCK.
The enormity of all of this is just overwhelming. The level of deceit for so many years is mind boggling.
I want to R, and it seems possible when he's home, but I'm really beginning to doubt whether or not I can handle his travel. I was a wreck most of last week just anticipating the trip and it cast a shadow over some otherwise nice time together.
My IC asked me to list the things that would make me feel safe when WH travels, but short of me sitting beside him I'm not sure what would help me. He did all the usual text/call stuff while he was cheating so none of that puts me at ease at all.
He insists he's different now, but since he hid his other life so well I don't see any difference in him to give me confidence that anything has changed.
God, this sucks.
[This message edited by neverdidithink at 9:58 AM, December 9th (Monday)]
Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9
He has to travel for work. I SAH with 3 kids so going with isn't an option. Right now, early out, he's doing everything right. Texting all the time, calling all the time. And in February he has a trip planned for the city she is in and where the PA happened. We are trying to see if someone can take kids for a few days so I can go with. Because I will be a mess.
WH has been gone part of last week until first of next week. He is calling/texting/face timing, I still can't stand it. It's just not the same. How are we supposed to stay connected when I am dealing with a snow/ice storm by myself and he is decided where to eat along a beach? He listens and acts interested in what I am dealing with, but I just resent him. I am cooking, cleaning and taking care of the family while he watches tv, reads and has maid service. It just makes me more mad.
People used to ask me how we dealt so well with being separated. We looked like we handled it pretty well and I thought we still had a great relationship. Now it seems like it was all just a big cover up for the cheating, all lies.
This is supposed to be the last trip, he is supposedly getting another position where he would work from home. For me, this is the last straw. I just can't deal with it anymore. I think I would be able to better deal with it if WH was working his butt off doing the work to heal and recover. Sadly, it isn't his priority.
Sorry, my post wasn't "supportive" at all, more of a vent! Hope that is ok. I would love to hear some ideas of how to better deal with it. Thanks!
I've had to put my big girl pants on and realize that if WH is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. I can choose to deal with it or not. It doesn't stop the tears from flowing some days, though!
We actually see each other very little due to our respective professions. I used to travel and have fun with WH but that's not possible anymore with the little ones. I'd like to keep our little family together but it's tough because WH is depressed and I feel zero emotional connection with him at the moment.
I'm sure it will get better. I'm just all triggery right now because I'm away and this is the time when I innocently met OW at a work dinner while I was pregnant with my littlest. She chattered away about her fiancÚ and upcoming wedding. Blah. Like some here, my H goes out all the time...often with younger single coworkers or older carousing coworkers and it's just tough. I understand not wanting to sit in a hotel room but...ugh. Combine that with not getting much closeness these days and it's a recipe for mental disaster. I work out and see friends a lot!!
[This message edited by VeryUncertain at 6:09 PM, December 9th (Monday)]
She could tell my eyes were tearing up and gave me a good hug and told me everything will be fine. I'm not sure she fully grasps that it isn't just the fear that she might possibly do something again, it is also a rush of the past hitting me again. I now have a few days of traveling to ruminate on what she's done the previous times and I'm not looking forward to it.
Take care of yourself my friend.
In the beginning I did travel with him and it wasn't until this year, almost four years out, that I didn't go to OW's country on a business trip with him. And the week he was gone wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, SKYPE, texting, and phone contact helps but most of all, it's time and his working to be trustworthy again.
I can't remember where I read the "immediate effect" quote below, but it helped me a lot to deal with those pounding heart can't breathe moments when pain and fear took over.
"The immediate effect of that emotional recall flushes the system with the chemistry of that exact emotion - but it is not happening again. It is how we think about it that drives the emotion."
For me, understanding the immense pain and physical effects I felt was my body's 'trained response' to this trauma and reading the key was 'how I chose to respond' was freeing. Many here at SI talked about putting up the STOP sign when these thoughts come. I would envision the STOP sign and say it over and over and over....sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but eventually, it became habit and I said it less and less. Those thoughts are rare now and more easily handled unless I make a choice to dwell on them for some reason.
If there's one thing betrayal has taught me it is I need to take better care of me......and now that I do, everything else falls into place and I can handle whatever life throws my way, with or without my husband.
We fly December 23rd to see family in the Northeast and we get to connect in DFW where most of this nonsense in airports went on. I'm so looking forward to that too! Ugh.
WH is traveling on business for the beginning of next week. I know the trip is real. I've seen the emails about it, I've seen his airline itinerary, and most importantly I've seen his boss talk about it. His (male, older, and very conservative!) boss is going along with him, and it's to a suburb in Canada in December so it's not like it's a fun getaway.
But it still freaks me out. WH used a business trip as a cover for time with OW once or twice. Mostly for his trips with her he was traveling "with friends" allegedly to sporting events, and he scheduled trips with her when I had to travel.
He'd actually text me pretty regularly when we were separated. I'd call him as well -- he never called me. Sometimes he'd pick up and sometimes he wouldn't. He says he'd go into another room when I called when OW was with him. He would tell me he loved me and missed me, within earshot of OW.
Does anybody have any suggestions about what I can ask for reassurance?