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Reconciliation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The travel has been the longest running and most intense trigger I have. It is discouraging. It has gotten a lot better though. I am 22 months from Dday and well over 50 trips in that time.

The two days before and the day I leave are the worst. Sometimes the anxiety builds without me even noticing why. It helps to remember what is happening and know that it is only temporary.

Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need. If texts aren't doing it, ask for more calls or pictures or whatever.

Lately broevil has been sending me silly pictures of the kids. Just out of the blue. It helps me to feel a part of while I am apart from.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Husband is traveling this week,will be back tomorrow afternoon. No triggers,other than happy ones...he left me the tshirt he was wearing to sleep in and flowers on our table. Well crap,make that one trigger,and I think I'm handling it okay. Maybe. H just called,he was running late because he overslept. I do not think he's cheating,but when he said that,it was like BAM! Right back to when he would use that as an excuse for not having called me at night or in the morning...the old "I was sleeping" excuse. Ouch. Progress,though,because I'm simply moving on with my day-the brownies I have baking in the over right now help


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH is coming home today. So I know allready as he will be driving his anxiety is building an so is my saddness. And anxiety. We both want to be happy again. Which is fabulous especially since I am the one that has caused his pain. It's great cause we both want it and we want it together. This job though adds. It's been a tough 9 days. He worked nights so we got about an hour a day to skype and I was ableto text a little in the evenings. I hit a really low spot on Saturday Just missing him and knowing that my affair started around this time last year  the PA And just feeling the pain he must feel . I know at this point I can't 100% understand cause I'm not him I do think I can see it and I can feel my understanding. And when he's not here. I know when he left this time it was very hard on both of us. And like you chicho


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stupid I phone. Like you chicho my BH starts to build 2 days before he leaves. Then it takes about 24 hours once he's home to breath again. It's a horrible trigger. It's one I don't know how to make go away. I send mssg. This time I've made phone calls just to hear his voice and say I love you. Pictures and just trying to stay up and happy when I talk to him. I don't know. I hope it helps. He really doesn't like to talk about it so.... Saying all that. I so excited for him ti be home today. Sounds like we get 5 days with him home. So hopefully it all goes well for him and us 


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joanh
Thank you for sharing. I know it is hard for my husband to leave me for work travel. And hard to hear me so upset when he is gone & he can't hug me. I just can't help my emotions....the travel is such a trigger. A lot of texts, emails, phone calls & Skype does help tremendously though. Initiate often. I can't wait to see my husband too.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 610 | Registered: Oct 2011
SoLongSam
♀ New Member
Member # 40712
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys I am not new to the forumn - been reading since DD on 2/5/13 - but this thread sparked me to register.

I was downsized from my plant position almost a year ago but moved to corporate. In my new role I work from home and travel and you guessed it - while I was traveling and killing myself to keep my job to provide for us (always have had the larger salary, better benefits etc) he started an A with a co-worker that is about half his age.

I need to post my story in my profile but I have been traveling again since about June - 2-3 days every other week and while it hasn't been easy we have been doing ok. The kicker is I am slated to start traveling 5 days a week soon in preparation for a promotion that will most likely require a relo and I am triggering all over the place.

I am so glad this place is here to support so many hurting people.

[This message edited by SoLongSam at 1:22 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoLongSam)))
Welcome. So sorry you are here. It doesn't matter if you are the one traveling or the one at home, the pain of betrayal and the deceit and the planning they do for the minute you are apart is sometimes unbearable.
It has helped me to travel with my husband on some of his trips. I'm at the airport now to go join him. Can your husband travel with you at all?


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 610 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoLongSam)))
Welcome to SI. I am the BS and the one who travels. My fWS is a SAHM. She has ample opportunity to cheat without having to leave the house. The A's took place in our house while I was away.

Your WS needs to take on the responsibility to make you feel safe. I offered my fWS ideas at what would help and she came up with many on her own. Communicate your fears and anxieties. Don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you need.
Early on I asked for a text message every 30 min, what kind of trouble could she get into in 30 min? And if she had it would at least ruin the moment for her . It was like clock work, a text every 30 min on the dot.

Another huge one was a "No Voicemail" rule. She was expected to answer the phone 24/7 no excuses. I could call whenever I felt anxious. There is nothing worse than getting voicemail.

It does get easier. Slowly, but it does.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again off he goes to work and like almost clock work three days out he triggered huge to the point I got a " you are a f'kn c+nt and I hate you.
This morning its triggeres we both feel the distance and the pain, both numbing against the feeling of missing each other and the pain that each of us have(even though the pains are different). Its tough and so frustrating.
The good side is we keep incontact it brought 2 phone calls as he was travelling to site and a few texting. So this is a good thing?. Hopefully

Its just hard knowing he's thinking and he hating me when he's away, and I am the cause of those feeling. That I can't help him. The distance of this job only enhances the feeling helpless
God I hate this nightmare!!!! and I can't wake up


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
burntandtorn
♂ New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@chico, I feel your pain man.

I travel for work. Her activities happened while I was away on trips. I have one that I have to go on next week and the anxiety is almost overpowering (my first trip since D-day).

Honestly though, I'm glad that I'm not in the place many people here are, where their traveling spouse cheated. I couldn't live with her even keeping a traveling job if that were the case.

I'm really not looking forward to this trip, but your post about your wife sending random pictures of the kids brought a smile to my face. I'll suggest that one to my wife.

I'm absolutely dreading the flight home though. I had already had major anxiety at this time before D-day. This is going to SUCK.


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is away this week for the first time since DDay#2. I'm a mess. I'm pretty confident he's not cheating, but the triggers are non-stop.

The enormity of all of this is just overwhelming. The level of deceit for so many years is mind boggling.

I want to R, and it seems possible when he's home, but I'm really beginning to doubt whether or not I can handle his travel. I was a wreck most of last week just anticipating the trip and it cast a shadow over some otherwise nice time together.

My IC asked me to list the things that would make me feel safe when WH travels, but short of me sitting beside him I'm not sure what would help me. He did all the usual text/call stuff while he was cheating so none of that puts me at ease at all.

He insists he's different now, but since he hid his other life so well I don't see any difference in him to give me confidence that anything has changed.

God, this sucks.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 9:58 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 327 | Registered: Sep 2013
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't even know this thread was here. Have to bookmark this one. WH travels for work and his affair was on the road. Met her at a conference, then used work as reason to fly to her city to sleep with her. Needless to say, I have a hard time before, during and after trips. I found all of my evidence when he was on a trip and couldn't keep me off of his computer. So now I torture myself looking for new things, maybe something he hasn't told me. Other women (which I did find underwear pics from the wife of a friend).

He has to travel for work. I SAH with 3 kids so going with isn't an option. Right now, early out, he's doing everything right. Texting all the time, calling all the time. And in February he has a trip planned for the city she is in and where the PA happened. We are trying to see if someone can take kids for a few days so I can go with. Because I will be a mess.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge trigger for me too. The whole thing, suitcase, packing, dropping off at the airport, it all brings up thoughts of what he used to be doing after he left me. He used to act sort of distracted before he left and I thought he was just trying not to show how much he missed me, well now I know what was distracting him. It wasn't thoughts of me.

WH has been gone part of last week until first of next week. He is calling/texting/face timing, I still can't stand it. It's just not the same. How are we supposed to stay connected when I am dealing with a snow/ice storm by myself and he is decided where to eat along a beach? He listens and acts interested in what I am dealing with, but I just resent him. I am cooking, cleaning and taking care of the family while he watches tv, reads and has maid service. It just makes me more mad.

People used to ask me how we dealt so well with being separated. We looked like we handled it pretty well and I thought we still had a great relationship. Now it seems like it was all just a big cover up for the cheating, all lies.

This is supposed to be the last trip, he is supposedly getting another position where he would work from home. For me, this is the last straw. I just can't deal with it anymore. I think I would be able to better deal with it if WH was working his butt off doing the work to heal and recover. Sadly, it isn't his priority.
Sorry, my post wasn't "supportive" at all, more of a vent! Hope that is ok. I would love to hear some ideas of how to better deal with it. Thanks!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
VeryUncertain
♀ Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the club! It's a tough one to be in.

I've had to put my big girl pants on and realize that if WH is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. I can choose to deal with it or not. It doesn't stop the tears from flowing some days, though!

We actually see each other very little due to our respective professions. I used to travel and have fun with WH but that's not possible anymore with the little ones. I'd like to keep our little family together but it's tough because WH is depressed and I feel zero emotional connection with him at the moment.

I'm sure it will get better. I'm just all triggery right now because I'm away and this is the time when I innocently met OW at a work dinner while I was pregnant with my littlest. She chattered away about her fiancÚ and upcoming wedding. Blah. Like some here, my H goes out all the time...often with younger single coworkers or older carousing coworkers and it's just tough. I understand not wanting to sit in a hotel room but...ugh. Combine that with not getting much closeness these days and it's a recipe for mental disaster. I work out and see friends a lot!!

[This message edited by VeryUncertain at 6:09 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
burntandtorn
♂ New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, she's just left for work and my taxi will be here in a few minutes to take me to the airport. This really sucks.

She could tell my eyes were tearing up and gave me a good hug and told me everything will be fine. I'm not sure she fully grasps that it isn't just the fear that she might possibly do something again, it is also a rush of the past hitting me again. I now have a few days of traveling to ruminate on what she's done the previous times and I'm not looking forward to it.


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay Strong Burntandtorn!!! You can do it!!! One thing that I would do, was to start a thread here asking for hugs/support/prayers and turn on the email notifications. All throughout the day when I would get notified it gave me just a little bit more strength to keep going.

Take care of yourself my friend.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H traveled all our married life ....and I discovered over four years ago that H had a 'steady' girlfriend for five years in another country where he traveled for work. It's not easy to be comfortable with them traveling again.....but over time combined with H's work to fix the mess he made, it's a lot better now.

In the beginning I did travel with him and it wasn't until this year, almost four years out, that I didn't go to OW's country on a business trip with him. And the week he was gone wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, SKYPE, texting, and phone contact helps but most of all, it's time and his working to be trustworthy again.

I can't remember where I read the "immediate effect" quote below, but it helped me a lot to deal with those pounding heart can't breathe moments when pain and fear took over.

"The immediate effect of that emotional recall flushes the system with the chemistry of that exact emotion - but it is not happening again. It is how we think about it that drives the emotion."


For me, understanding the immense pain and physical effects I felt was my body's 'trained response' to this trauma and reading the key was 'how I chose to respond' was freeing. Many here at SI talked about putting up the STOP sign when these thoughts come. I would envision the STOP sign and say it over and over and over....sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but eventually, it became habit and I said it less and less. Those thoughts are rare now and more easily handled unless I make a choice to dwell on them for some reason.

If there's one thing betrayal has taught me it is I need to take better care of me......and now that I do, everything else falls into place and I can handle whatever life throws my way, with or without my husband.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1688 | Registered: Mar 2010
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trigger day! My DH is traveling for work again... it has become a monthly thing lately. We are almost 5 years out, no signs of trouble, but the travel sends me off the deep end. He would email/call his OWs from airports/hotels or pick up women in both places or whatever and he would tell me he had a ton of work to do and go email or call them. Travel is a huge F-ing trigger! I'm trying to move on from it and focus on the kiddo and Christmas stuff but geeze does it -ever- fully go away? April is 5 years since D-Days #1-1 million. He is calling and stuff. I have no reason to be triggering. It just sucks.

We fly December 23rd to see family in the Northeast and we get to connect in DFW where most of this nonsense in airports went on. I'm so looking forward to that too! Ugh.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 519 | Registered: Apr 2009
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's early yet for me to be posting in Reconciliation, but I'm about to face our first travel separation since DDay and don't know what I should ask for in terms of reassurance.

WH is traveling on business for the beginning of next week. I know the trip is real. I've seen the emails about it, I've seen his airline itinerary, and most importantly I've seen his boss talk about it. His (male, older, and very conservative!) boss is going along with him, and it's to a suburb in Canada in December so it's not like it's a fun getaway.

But it still freaks me out. WH used a business trip as a cover for time with OW once or twice. Mostly for his trips with her he was traveling "with friends" allegedly to sporting events, and he scheduled trips with her when I had to travel.

He'd actually text me pretty regularly when we were separated. I'd call him as well -- he never called me. Sometimes he'd pick up and sometimes he wouldn't. He says he'd go into another room when I called when OW was with him. He would tell me he loved me and missed me, within earshot of OW.

Does anybody have any suggestions about what I can ask for reassurance?


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 160
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