bump on this for update:
although we never could find a counselor to get us in, we started to do really good for a while, but it never lasted long. its constantly up and down. more so than my ex who cheated.
I am still married, and he still doesnt have a job. and we are still living off most of my income because his disability mostly goes to child support and then rest goes to fly daughter here.
during a vacation last week, of constant fighting and me doing everything for kids and myself while he slept, I said yep this shit keeps adding up, then I found him smoking. he was to have quit a yr ago. and there he was hiding it. i said, i will file for divorce at the end of the month... I should have said next month tho cause i really need to get a few things done for work first and filing is very stressful and draining.
he is looking for apartments. and I am mostly excited about that.
he has a child who he sees every few months, IF the mother allows it, even tho he has court orders, she constantly causes issues and the stress of that alone and all the money is too much for me. today we had 14 hrs of fighting w ex and calling airport to see if we can cancel flight. i see I'm already checked out on his child. I used to really like her but now i just make no effort because getting attached seems silly.
reading baggagereclaim really helps me. im at the point where I have to be told over and over in my head that making decisions to better my life is what I need to do. stop feeling guilty. stop having hubby tell me im wrong for feeling this way.
honestly, I was way less depressed when my last hubby was cheating on me. I was devestated and such but at least I loved him and was attracted to him, we had sex often and it was good.
I want no form of affection from him at this point and its been 7 months since I have said I love you or felt love for him.
(just as it started to come back he screwed up to make me not trust him again)
we just make better friends than lovers and partners. I need a man who gets up at 8 or 9am to take his dog out while I take care of the kids. I also need that same guy who doesnt have a job to mow the lawn and put his clothes away and help clean WITHOUT me asking.
i just need more. and i see no point in being married to fight about obvious needs and things that have to be taken care of.
praying he has an apartment by July 1st. we have no kids together and married only 7 months so im hoping there isnt anything to split and we can do it ourselves.