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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK, why can't you be vulnerable or whiny or complain? I mean, what is the worst that would happen? I say courage! If you don't knock on the door, you will never know who might answer it, kwim?

That said, I am talking general vulnerability. I do agree with missymomma about being very careful. I have told one friend the whole story and she is a psychiatric social worker and my best friend. My other friends I decided I wanted and needed some support but they heard a laundered version -- dh in major depression, marriage for the first time in real crisis. And I got alot of general support without having to get into the sordid details. It felt uncomfortable to lie but telling the truth would have been worse for everyone.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK, why can't you be vulnerable or whiny or complain? I mean, what is the worst that would happen? I say courage! If you don't knock on the door, you will never know who might answer it, kwim?

That said, I am talking general vulnerability. I do agree with missymomma about being very careful about the SA disclosure. I have told one friend the whole story and she is a psychiatric social worker and my best friend. My other friends I decided I wanted and needed some support but they heard a laundered version -- dh in major depression, marriage for the first time in real crisis. And I got alot of general support without having to get into the sordid details. It felt uncomfortable to lie but telling the truth would have been worse for everyone.

[This message edited by cds22 at 9:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sk, I know what you mean! I tend to end up being the listener as well, or even the one who fades into the background.
Being vulnerable is actually a good thing. Is it possible to pick one friend and just see how it goes? I know it's scary since you have no idea how they're going to react. Like cds said, you can just tell how much you're comfortable telling. As you know, I decided to tell a friend and freaked out! But it turned out not to be so bad and I feel closer to this friend than I have in years.

Has anyone seen Brene Brown's TED talks about vulnerability and shame? I'd recommend them for everyone!


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're dealing with so much renee. The high possibility of relapse is what's stopping me from trying to R right now. SAWH still doesn't have a week of sobriety (his group has the strictest idea of sobriety). He keeps slipping up. He's just beginning, so I'm trying to detach and observe at this point.

I hope you can figure out where you want to go from here.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days nothing works. Counseling weekly, daily COSA or S-Anon mtg, prozac daily, on my 3rd monster energy drink today, half a pot of coffee before that, one a day energy vitamin daily, and yet the depression is so crippling today, I just took an hr nap at 12:30 and sat in a mess here that needed cleaned and I have to go to the store. I just started cleaning at 2, and my DD comes home at 3, which means now I'll need my neighbor to watch her while I go to the store because I just wasted half my day doing absolutely nothing but being depressed. I didn't cry. It was just like I was absolutely frozen, incapable of doing an f'n thing. STD panels for both of us next Wednesday, a month+ of abstinence, barely seeing him, not hearing a word from him in 2 days, financial crisis, it is all just kind of crashing in. All this topped onto a weekend where my daughter busted her face Saturday during a seizure, son got horrendously sunburt Sunday, and dog got poisoned from my rhododendron bush Monday (all doing ok now though). Finally got up and started doing some things, got the kitchen done, now on to the entire rest of the house. Meh.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

windows, what an unbelievable onslaught! I am so sorry to hear this. I hope there is some time to take care of yourself amid the craziness.

If low energy is a major symptom the only other things I can think of are to expose yourself to sunlight for 10 minutes or so first thing in the morning and to try 20 minutes of walking or other exercise.

Do you think you would be able to cope better if your H was out of the house? Or not really? If having him around but not available or not in recovery if that is the case is a factor in your depression the two of you might explore a "therapeutic separation." This is controversial among therapists but the basic idea is that you are separating while the SA starts recovery and to give the spouse some space to heal. It is not for everyone but I think some spouses just need a break from the feeling of chaos and unsafeness now associated with their partner. :(


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

windows, what an unbelievable onslaught! I am so sorry to hear this. I hope there is some time to take care of yourself amid the craziness.

If low energy is a major symptom the only other things I can think of are to expose yourself to sunlight for 10 minutes or so first thing in the morning and to try 20 minutes of walking or other exercise.

Do you think you would be able to cope better if your H was out of the house? Or not really? If having him around but not available or not in recovery if that is the case is a factor in your depression the two of you might explore a "therapeutic separation." This is controversial among therapists but the basic idea is that you are separating while the SA starts recovery and to give the spouse some space to heal. It is not for everyone but I think some spouses just need a break from the feeling of chaos and unsafeness now associated with their partner. :(


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel better in the sun. Today was a rainy day; my neighbor mentioned that when she saw I was down today, "Probably the weather affecting things too."

We are kind of "therapeutically separated". However, it's not because of a therapist suggestion. I moved out last August. We've remained living 7mins apart through R, which started last Sept. I started 180 about 6weeks ago. He hates it, hates the separation, is very withdrawn, very depressed, needs more of me he says, misses me, etc, but I, on the other hand, feel like I can finally breathe, am getting more accomplished, am building strong relationships with my family and friends, doing fun things with the kids, taking better overall care of myself, and my mental clarity is better than it has been in years. I do miss him, but I'm just not willing to invest into an unhealthy non-trying partner anymore. I'm empathetic to his viewpoint, compassionate to his illness and situation, love him very much still, but he does not believe he's an SA, thinks he just has a "high drive", lives in a total delusional world at the moment, hasn't been to IC in almost a month, so how can I safely just jump all in again? I can't. He views that as my abandoning him in many ways, withholding, but there's just no way to explain reason to insane thinking, so I sadly just keep my distance, not because I don't miss him but because it's the only safe thing I can do. I see him occasionally. I try to give a greeting in the morning, say good night in the evening, but I refrain from deep sharing, as I feel it would be counterproductive with his current state of mind.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wnw - if the sun helps, try vitamin D too. It seems to keep me pepped up during the winter. Also, it sounds like you are doing a great job of protecting and taking care of yourself with the distance you have created from your husband. Just wanted to say good job!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just looked on the vitamin bottle. Mine has 400UI daily of Vitamin D. What would be the recommended dose? I have an appt Tues with my family dr. I'm gonna be discussing the energy issue to him. I seriously can't think of anything else I can do to fix the energy issue. It's not everyday, but the days it's an issue, it's an immovable issue!

My IC says it's all normal, that I have a very demanding life with a 10yr old DD with autism and a high energy 5yr old DS. He said when the things I'm irritable over are valid, normal things to be irritable over, nothing alarming, that it's not surprising my energy is low at times because I am required to go full force most times in order to keep up with it all. He's setting me up with EMDR, which will at least supposedly help with my sleeping issues. Somedays like yesterday, I'll just be so frozen paralyzed until afternoon, finally get my true energy around 7pm, then not be able to fall asleep at a decent hour. Other times, I'm ready for bed at 7pm. Everything's so screwy right now!


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can have your vitamin D measured via blood draw and from that you can adjust your dose upward. I take 400 in my multi and then I take an additional stand-alone vitamin D supplement.

Do you like green tea? Green tea has a slow release of caffeine and it also has a substance in it theanine that is calming while still being energizing. Coffee, energy drinks etc give you jittery energy followed by a crash. I often have as much as 3-4 mugs per day. It is an acquired taste though and don't get decaf (it removes the antioxidants).


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sK

I agree with cds, why can't you be vulnerable, whiny or complain? Just because you have always been the "strong one" and the "listener" doesn't mean your friends won't step up to the plate and be there for you in your time of need. (They're not very good friends if they don't ). Sometimes I think we are afraid to show vulnerability to people who we have always appeared strong in front of. We are scared of what they will think if we show them the "real" me.

I am guilty of this myself. I don't like to admit that everything isn't great in my life. With most people I put on a good front while I feel like I'm crumbling inside. But I have few close friends. I have told one friend all the gory details. She has been supportive and checked in with me a lot at first, but she has her own marital problems and I haven't talked to her in a few months now. I know I could call her up and she would be there for me, but I don't. I always worry that I am imposing on people. That they have better things to do than talk to me. I have had bad experiences with female friends in general (seeing as how two supposedly close friends had As with SAfWH). I don't let down my guard easily and tend to keep people at arms length. I am afraid of rejection so don't I initiate invitations that might lead to closer friendships even though I long for that.

It's funny, as a young adult I had plenty of friends but SAfWH , who I was dating at the time, didn't like my friends so I allowed myself to drift apart from them. For years I thought that SAfWH was all I needed. All except one of my current friends are part of couples we know and hang out with. I see now what a huge mistake this was but I am at a loss as to how to fix it now. I am naturally a quiet, fade into the background, type of person, so making new friends does not come easily.

I'd also like to second sadone's recommendation of Brene Brown's TED talks. After watching the one on shame and vulnerability I bought her book 'The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed To Be and Embrace Who You Are'. I haven't finished it yet (I got sidetracked with another book), but it is very interesting so far. She has done years of research on shame and its effects. Quite enlightening.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anniversary yesterday. Not a good day. :(

I suppose some good things did happen - - spent some time in healing warm water pool, got a massage. On the H front, I did talk with H about how hard it is for me, who tends toward anxiety, to live with the constant threat of relapse. He seemed so determined he was not going back to his SA behaviors -- he told me even if he loses me, even if he loses custody of the kids, even if he finds out tomorrow he has a terminal illness, he is staying in recovery. I believe him that he is that motivated and determined. I believe the intentions are there and they are backed by hard daily work . . . but I know too this is an unpredictable demon to control.

[This message edited by cds22 at 4:26 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wnw - please talk to you doctor and don't take my advice, but just for comparison, I take 4000IU per day. Yes, that's four THOUSAND.

Have you thought about antidepressants? Or herbal supplements that have antidepressant effects?


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all, been super busy and I have not had time to really post. But I wanted to throw out there before I forget about it later...in my journey through this healing, my blood tests revealed I was extremely deficient in Vitamin D. I didn't think anything of it until I started having heart palpitations six months later. I was worried I might have a stroke, because of the stress and whatnot. But the cardiologist (only doc I have told about SAWH besides my OB) immediately put me on 5000iu of vitamin D (as well as magnesium malate and fish oil) before he would do anything else. And he was right, the stress and trauma of it all completely depleted me of all these things and was putting me on a track to death, when all I needed to do was take some supplements to fix it. Go to your doc, get the bloodwork done, and find out if you are deficient in anything - Vit D, iron, etc. It may make all the difference in the world.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should have your blood drawn to determine if your Vit D is low before you randomly start supplementing it. If your If it is low (the lab our office used indicated <34 to be low) your MD will probably prescribe a single dose capsule of 50,000 units to be taken once a week for 4 weeks. When you have taken all 4 capsules you should have another blood draw to see what your level is at that point. If it is still low your MD will most likely have you continue taking the 50,000 units once a week followed by another lab draw until it is within normal limits. Once it is WNL the endocrinologist that I used to work for recommended 1,000 units per day.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm following up that vitamin d recommendation. I too, had low levels, less than 5...felt terrible. But the worst thing was that the drugs I had been taking for osteoporosis were more or less useless. The body needs D to process calcium.

I take 2000 iu daily, but that is with doctor supervision. I think every one should be monitored for this.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warning LONG, but I really need support right now. This is the first time I've spoken more than a few sentences in weeks to MrWNW. He finally sent me more than just a one liner today (of course all about HIS pain, HIS disappointment, HIS being let down, MY not listening to HIM!, ugh) Here's my puking vent to him.

You've sent me two "I love yous" in five days.
The day I was there, you were angry and asked me to leave.
I continued to message you daily.
Continued to reach out.
Still stopped down.
Still made plans (and the arrangement necessary to follow through with that plan) to spend more time with you.

I attend a meeting a day, counseling weekly, read a ton. Life is VERY hard right now, and quite frightening, but I'm doing it alone, not because I want to, but because you aren't doing anything but laying on the couch depressed and waiting for the end. You have no interest in working on this. You want it better, perfect, sure.....but what are you willing to do to get there? Have you heard anything I'VE said? I do love you, I do want us, I do want a better us, I do want to be there, be supportive, have support, but right now you can't hear me, won't, and are still in such a dark place that you can't see/think/feel past your pain enough to see/hear me. I wish I had the answers to help, but I don't. All I can do is stay ready and available for when/if you realize I'm not your enemy, that I love you, and that I am greatly in need of you too, but it will take TWO of us working for US to get better and sitting on the couch depressed waiting for the end is not working.

My harsh reality is that I am in love with a man, have invested in a relationship with a man, have committed to ONE man in my life, that even while he is on house arrest, has no one else in life right now to spend time with and have meaningful conversations with, still doesn't even so much as speak to me many days, not one word....so what exactly should I expect from that man when he isn't on house arrest, when he does get his license back? Do I really have reason to believe last summer won't repeat itself? Haven't you argued with me that even recently it's ok to have inappropriate conversations with other females? Do you feel you've said anything other than "When we're together, it's not an issue." that even hints at a committed mindset? Should I just ignore how many times recently you've walked away, leaving yourself justified to fall back into validation from other females? Should I just ignore that you've not been willing to look at the possibility your thinking _might_ be skewed? Should I just ignore that you feel if I would just act right, give you what you want all the time, give you free reign to do whatever you feel will make you feel good in the moment, accept your words that it won't happen again, then all would be well? How can I have any safety in the concept that only if I'm doing everything right will you be committed and stay and that I won't go back through what we've been through before? What measures have you taken to ensure you have fortitude, longevity, patience, the ability to withstand unhappy times and work through them without quitting, without going off to other women? How can you ask me not to be concerned next summer will repeat itself when you're off house arrest and have your license back when you still believe I'm the only problem?

To answer your question of why I'm with you, it's because I do believe you that you never wanted to harm me, that you hate the things you've done, that you hate the "drive" you have, and that you aren't a malicious person....that you can find solutions, that there are tons of recovery options out there, and that I stay hoping you'll reach a point soon that you'll tire of living in the problem and start looking for an answer, and there is no one else on earth I can fathom spending my life with, and I'm not about to leave you when you're down. I'm here, loving you, steady, but keeping myself safe too because you aren't looking for answers yet, you're still depressed and living in the problem, waiting just for me to leave you, giving up.

Over these past few weeks, how many times have you reached out into fantasy world, fantasy women, to get off and make yourself feel better instead of reaching out to me, working on us? In the weeks before that, how many times did you just end it and talk to other women to feel good? How many other women did you entertain sexual conversations with, call beautiful? All instead of reaching out to me or working on us? How many times have you told me you hate the drive you have but you've talked to the pastor, talked to others, and it's just the way it is? How many times have you told me you hated the effects of your decisions? Yet you don't feel that is the problem?????

I don't see you as a villain, as a cold heartless adulterer. I see you as someone that struggles GREATLY with being obsessed with sexual thoughts, that only knows one way to soothe himself, through sexual acts (preferably with his partner, but with himself/porn, or other women if partner unavailable). I see you as capable of learning real intimacy, as us having a tremendously amazing close, connected, sexual intimate life.........once you can also get healthy. You are not the only one that's been sick here. I have SERIOUS issues I'm working through, LONG term issues I'm working through. I have great clarity right now that we both were very sick and that the path we've been on is impossible to survive on but that there is hope, there is possibility, but a healthy relationship requires TWO healthy people.

You have naked fantasy women downloaded to your phone, and you couldn't even fathom that I wasn't ok with that, you truly felt I'd be "at ease" that at least it wasn't a real woman you had sex with....you had no possible understanding that I'd be sad that while I'm here working so hard to get healthy, while I'm missing you and us so much, while I'm staying steady and supportive, while I'm letting go of the past and of the anger, while I check my IMs and emails so frequently with NO conversation from you, you are escaping the pain by getting off to fantasy women instead of finding solutions or working on us. Gee no idea why I'm so lost right now with us!!!!

All I know to do is keep working on me. At least then, if you do "get it" at some point, you'll have one hell of a strong woman to be there for you and help you through.......and if you never do, then maybe, just maybe, I'll be strong enough not to fall apart and want to end my life when I lose you the next time.

......and as long as you're comfortable living in the problem, not seeking solutions, there will _always_ be a next time I lose you.

I really have stopped trying to talk to him about SA. The last time was several weeks ago when he again got very defensive, said he's sick of me telling him what's wrong with him, that he's not going to any meetings, etc. That was kind of my "bottom", and it's when I began reaching out, got myself in IC, started going to S-Anon and COSA, etc. I feel like I just took five steps back with that rant of mine to him. It did no good most likely. He didn't respond, but I'm pretty sure when he does it will be some one liner of "Again, nothing I say matters. It's pointless to talk. You never hear me." Not addressing anything, deflecting, ignoring. I'm SO damn angry and sad today!!! How f'n hard is it to see SA is the issue?????? WTF?!

...and I didn't stop there. :( I'm losing control today. Taking the kids fishing so I don't open my mouth anymore to him.

"Sometimes there is an over-functioning partner and an under-functioning partner. One partner takes on a lot of responsibility—and then resents it. The more a person puts energy into something and tries to work on it, the more committed to the relationship that person is. The other partner, who is only semi-involved in the relationship, is freer to get involved in an affair, because they’re not as connected to the relationship. This is interesting because the popular notion is that the person who has the affair wasn’t getting enough at home. ****The reality is that they weren’t giving enough at home.****" (Dr. Shirley Glass)
NOT just MY reality. Do some damn research. Quit giving me hell that I'm not expending tons of energy into seeing you right now, when when I do see you, you're angry and resentful and all about how you're not getting YOUR needs met yet not saying one fricking thing about how you are gonna make a single improvement for us.... You're down, you're depressed, you've given up. I get it. Yet, I'm still here and hoping. If you don't want the angry, resentful, crazed me, it IS absolutely necessary I keep myself safe and ONLY focus on my problems right now because focusing on yours for the past several months has done no good, it's only driven a deeper wedge, making you more resentful with me, and making me more resentful with you. If you have a better way, let's hear it. If all you got is this way is the wrong way, well then that's not helping.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 11:03 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, honey. I feel like I don't have any words of wisdom. You know the reality. He's still addicted. And you can't talk or reason with a diseased brain.

But to vent to him? Do it. You cannot keep this shit in. It's like a timebomb. Did it make any difference in his attitude? Most likely not. It will just add to his "poor me" stance. "Poor me, Poor me, pour me a drink" as they say in AA...

Do for you. Make a life for yourself. Live the COSA, Sanon programs. You really don't have a choice. He's an addict.

It sucks big time, you don't deserve it. You deserve someone who is healthy, who will love you in an appropriate manner. Who YOU can lean on in an equal relationship.

*********(((((((((WNW)))))))))))*********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know. It truly is futile to try to explain. I was doing good for weeks not doing that. Yesterday was a set back. Venting really does no good. If I vent, I usually do it to my best friend, my IC, or on the general forum here, NOT to him, because it just makes him feel the victim, and nothing good comes of it. I contacted someone about sponsorship in S-Anon. I want to start working the steps. Hopefully, that will help.

I have spent a small fortune this past month on books. I keep my nose in those as much as possible. This past month's list includes:

Mending a Shattered Heart --Read
Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets --Read
S-Anon Green Book (Working the S-Anon Program) --Reading
Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses --Weds PM Book Study
Reflections of Hope --Reading Corresponding Daily Passage
The Language of Letting Go --Reading Corresponding Daily Passage
Codependent No More --Reading
Codependent No More Workbook
Thirty Days to Hope & Freedom from Sexual Addiction: The Essential Guide to Beginning Recovery and Preventing Relapse

The last two are in the mail on their way from B&N.

S-Anon meeting tonight, IC tomorrow morning, Family Dr appt Tues and bloodwork then for my vitamin levels, S-Anon meeting Tues night, STD testing Wednesday, S-Anon meeting Weds night....Gonna be a busy and taxing next few days.

My last dialogue to him stated I would be open to solution-based relationship discussions via professional intervention, but that I do not see any point in us further discussing the state of our relationship between us because he thinks he is right and I believe I am. He muttered about how he's doing what I've required and nothing's changed. I responded by stating he's only made changes to keep the peace, that he's accomplished that, there are no new hurts and I'm grateful for that, but that he will act out again ten-fold when the changes didn't come from his own desire for integrity but just to follow the rules of the dictator. I'm continuing on my path to help fix my own issues. There's just nothing more I can do.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 7:52 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

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