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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about the roller coaster every day & I feel emotionally spent. I watched my dog play with his stuffed animal the other day. He picked it up and shook it wildly back & forth then gnawed on it before flinging it around again. I felt like that rag doll. Ripped up, gutted & shaken senseless.

One minute I look at him & am absolutely sure that this is where I want to be. The next, I'm totally repulsed at the sight of him.

I just wish it would level off for a little while.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outtanowhere, try to take care of yourself. Maybe a nice lunch out or something soothing? Are you sleeping OK?

I know how you feel. I felt that way for weeks and probably will again after this most recent uptick. I have been pretty focused on IC and bodywork and the gym and taking myself out to lunch alot (I basically consider this "emergency fund" time) and that has helped somewhat. Also, although I know it should be focused on me, etc., it is the case that my H's full-force efforts at recovery have made me feel much better and safer. Also, his therapist came up with plans for some of the things that I was so upset about like business trips.

And to be on the safe side :) I charted out what my life without the H would look like. We held off on a major house purchase while we wait for him to attain a longer period of sobriety and I sort of have in mind where I would live if it was just me and the kids. For whatever reason, having a plan made me feel better.

How is your H's recovery and therapy going? Do you have a sense of your back-up plan? Maybe I am the only one to be so soothed by planning but having a back-up plan for living on my own made me feel alot more safe and in control.

[This message edited by cds22 at 8:27 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, I also wanted to add that there are counselors with sliding scales and you might look to see if there is a massage school near you if that is something that would relax you (usually very affordable massages). And I get the lunch specials. :)

It sucks that on top of the emotional rollercoaster there is often a financial one. Our out of pocket therapy costs are painful!


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks cds I'm thankful that you seem to be in a better place right now. its all so crazy isn't it? I can't tell if I'm stuck or if I'm trying to stand up on slick ice. Can't seem to get my legs under me. Just trying to deal with the whole multiple infidelity thing along with the SA thing and then there's the thing about it all going on for some 10-15 years. I guess overwhelmed would be a good word to describe where I am right now.

My sweet children went together & gave me a gift certificate for a Swedish massage (awesome!) & a manicure/pedicure. I cashed in Friday then headed to the beach & spent the weekend with a very special girlfriend. I feel like I'm doing all the right things so why do I still feel so....

Husband is really doing everything right, now. I just don't know it is too late. I just don't know. As you know it's a lot to reconcile when you wake up one day & realize that this is what you get for all your years of effort. We have owned a small construction company for the last 13 years which is struggling for survival in this economy so it seems everything I looked forward to in my future is in jeopardy.

I know I will come out of this ok. I'm absolutely positive! I have an amazing family & will never have to worry about my basic needs being met. I guess it's just the sad reality that the one I planned to share my future with wasn't planning for anything other than his next encounter.

Tomorrow is a new day!



BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, I honestly think if you weren't doing things to take care of yourself like you are you would feel even worse. Which I am sure is hard to imagine given how bad you feel now.

I suspect it takes close to a year for us just to emerge from the initial shock and have a sense of what we might want from the future. And I also suspect that the healing process depends on the degree of trauma and insult. I *think* I am dealing with porn usage and one-time acting out comprised of groping and a few minutes of oral sex-- which he disclosed to me on his own albeit whitewashing some details. We are going through the formal disclosure process now and nothing else is coming out and all my STD checks are fine and he has been threatened to h&ll and back with a polygraph. And I have been crazy sad wit that. It takes even more time when it is many prostitutes, sometimes of both genders over many, many years. That is ALOT to wrap your head around.

Be gentle with yourself. You strike me as the type of person that inspires a lot of love and respect, has a close circle, and is not going to be "alone" no matter what happens to your marriage. (((outtanowhere)))

[This message edited by cds22 at 9:51 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have a sense of your back-up plan? Maybe I am the only one to be so soothed by planning but having a back-up plan for living on my own made me feel alot more safe and in control.

Very timely you asked this...

WE SIGNED THE POST NUP TODAY!

So, yeah, I am concerned with having a back-up plan. Little bit. I think when infidelity, SA, or mental illness is on the table, you absolutely have to have a backup plan because you may have to engage it against your will and under duress. And now I have it on official record (recording) that he says he agreed to everything in the post nup, he disclosed all financial info to me, and that he was in his right mind/not coerced/under the influence, etc when he signed it. Rock on.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats hath!!

I don't feel like I can even have a back up plan for several years at least. Can't go back to school until my loan is paid off, I'm completely dependent on H financially. It's depressing. Not sure what steps I can do today to feel a bit more prepared. After being a stay at home mom for so long, I have no confidence in my ability to even find a decent job.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 11:39 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 453 | Registered: Mar 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful news Hath!!

And Sadone there is NO job harder than parenting children full-time. I know you mentioned you have some social anxiety so you may need to think about addressing that and finding work that will minimize it. Can you use any of this limbo time (what is left after mourning and panic, I know!)to explore careers, job shadow, think about retraining or more classes if needed? I know you have so much on your plate right now but it scares me having any of us dependent on addicts, kwim?


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
UCLAMOM23
♀ New Member
Member # 36653
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WE SIGNED THE POST NUP TODAY!

Good for you, Hath!


I am: BW 47 years
He is: WH 47 years and has suddenly realized that he's a sex addict

Married 19 years
Together for 25
3 sons: (17, 13, & 11)
D Day 1 - July 1997
D Day 2: 8/29/12


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: California
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WE SIGNED THE POST NUP TODAY!

So, yeah, I am concerned with having a back-up plan. Little bit. I think when infidelity, SA, or mental illness is on the table, you absolutely have to have a backup plan because you may have to engage it against your will and under duress. And now I have it on official record (recording) that he says he agreed to everything in the post nup, he disclosed all financial info to me, and that he was in his right mind/not coerced/under the influence, etc when he signed it. Rock on.

Hath, that is awesome news! I think that having that in place brings peace of mind that everything will be ok for you and your kids one way or another. I agree that every spouse of a SA should have back up plans, because SA is a lifelong battle. It reduces the chaos in our lives to be able to feel like we have choices and can walk away if and when we need to.

Congrats again!!!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds,

I think it is wonderful that you are feeling good, but realize that you are early into this, and as SK pointed out, early on it is easy to feel good about thing when your SA dives into recovery. There will be good and bad days, lots of triggers still to work through.

I suspect it takes close to a year for us just to emerge from the initial shock and have a sense of what we might want from the future. And I also suspect that the healing process depends on the degree of trauma and insult. I *think* I am dealing with porn usage and one-time acting out comprised of groping and a few minutes of oral sex-- which he disclosed to me on his own albeit whitewashing some details. We are going through the formal disclosure process now and nothing else is coming out and all my STD checks are fine and he has been threatened to h&ll and back with a polygraph. And I have been crazy sad wit that. It takes even more time when it is many prostitutes, sometimes of both genders over many, many years. That is ALOT to wrap your head around.

Maybe you are right, and it was "just" (not trying to trivialize it) some porn and one time acting out. Keep in mind that most of these SA's have been acting out for years, even before we met them, as SA is rooted in FOO and abuse issues for most SA's. I don't think it is a good idea to get a disclosure too early on, because I think the SA will omit things out of their own shame. I pushed for a disclosure very early on because of the legal issues we were dealing with. My disclosure was much more abbreviated than it would have been if we would have waited a year out, after he has done some serious 12 step work. I am ok with that, and honestly did not need to know all the details, but others might feel like they don't know the whole truth or that they are missing details if they did it that way. This is a process, and takes TIME. Of course we want to rush it and feel better, but that isn't how it works.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta,

I think about the roller coaster every day & I feel emotionally spent. I watched my dog play with his stuffed animal the other day. He picked it up and shook it wildly back & forth then gnawed on it before flinging it around again. I felt like that rag doll. Ripped up, gutted & shaken senseless.

I felt so broken like that for the first 1-1.5 years after my last d-day. It takes time. Hugs and keep taking care of yourself.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sk,

It may be that you have fewer FOO traumas to deal with. Mine were deep and many, and that has a significant effect on the ability to process more recent trauma.

I think that this has been a key part of my recovery; taking the focus off my H, and putting it on the stuff that I need to deal with that I have been carrying around for so long. I think it did directly affect my response to living with a SA, and it is one of the reasons why I have no problem accepting the co-dependent label at this point (I didn't like the label at first, for sure!). I came from a dysfunctional home, so of course I gravitated subconsciously to dysfunctional. For me, accepting that was a big part of recovery.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomany, I hear you! And yet I can't help reaching for joy while it is on the table. I can't sustain my own level of misery any longer. The sun is shining, I am back into work, my kids are thriving despite this earthquake into our lives.

In my case, H's CSAT suggested the timing of the meeting with me and what I think is supposed a disclosure (not sure if it is the final one or the "big" disclosure). I didn't ask for it although it would be nice to know for sure.

Oddly enough, my H does not have FOO issues. I have known his family for decades and they are extremely nice, functional, loving family and H would be the first to describe his childhood as idyllic. No sexual abuse either. But he did come across his dad's porn magazines early in life and started viewing porn.

For me, I suspect the die is cast and the decision made that is part of the reason I feel better. I am willing to work toward R if I the story is basically as H says it without more sexual acting out and if he is full force in recovery. If it comes out later via disclosure, recovery, or polygraph that it was more than what the H has described to me and he has had intercourse with multiple prostitutes I *personally* think I am done with the M. So, in a way the fact that more may come out is somewhat manageable (if still awful) because there is no more agonizing about the effect on my marriage. If there is substantially more to the sexual contact part of the story, I really don't think there is a marriage for me anymore.

[This message edited by cds22 at 8:27 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question regarding support groups. I've been attending both COSA and S-Anon meetings. There honestly isn't much a difference between the steps. I'm getting ready to begin seeking a sponsor. I'm not sure which of them I'm going to work the 12-steps with, but my plan is just to pay attention to the women in the meetings, find one I'd like to be a sponsor, and whichever program she's in, work the steps there. Is that how the rest of you have done that? It seems like it would be redundant and possibly even confusing to work the steps in both programs, and my thinking currently is if I work the steps in just one, it will be sufficient. However, I'm open to hearing about the options from others that have done this. Thanks.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you cds22! I'm scared too. There are so many steps for me to overcome before I'll feel secure again. I keep thinking I find the first step only to realize there's more to do.
Our therapist mentioned that I really should get some anti-anxiety meds. I'm thinking that's the very first step. WH's insurance doesn't kick in for a few months, so I might have to wait until then. I've decided to stop going to S-ANON for now, because the panic I feel when I go is making my journey worse right now, not better. Still going to work with the therapist though!
I'm a writer and trying to find even volunteer positions so I can build up a portfolio.
Baby steps! Ultimately, if things go really sour, we can go to my parents'. I want to avoid that since they live out of town. I'd hate to uproot the kids that much. I guess sometimes it's unavoidable though.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 453 | Registered: Mar 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone, I tend toward anxiety and I have had some mild positive effect from taking l-theanine (source naturals or NOW). There is a stronger effect from 5htp -- there have been some contamination issues with that one so I would only buy from a mainstream vitamin/herbal brand. And SAM-E has a good effect on depression and anxiety for many (Jarrow brand is very good). I have always been a low-grade anxious person but I am extremely sensitive to prescription medicine so I have scouted out the safer "alternatives" that have some evidence behind them.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oddly enough, my H does not have FOO issues. I have known his family for decades and they are extremely nice, functional, loving family and H would be the first to describe his childhood as idyllic

This very well may be, however, there are FOO issues that are subtle and affect kids in ways that cause them to seek respite and comfort in masturbation, self-soothing which in SOME cases, set the stage for later addiction. At least this is what I have been taught, and what makes sense to me. My SAfWH's family was supportive and loving, but dysfunctional in some ways, as I suspect all families are. There are other comorbid conditions that probably increased the probability of the development of an addiction. But no one can tell how much mild dysfunction affects a child's need to self sooth. He may find issues that he needs to deal with as he continues therapy.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@windows

Oh, honey, absolutely pick your sponsor based on who you can best relate to and work with. And I doubt if their is a significant difference between Sanon and COSA, the bigger differences are between individual meetings.

I'm totally impressed that you are going to two meetings a week!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm totally impressed that you are going to two meetings a week!

LOL, thanks! I really TRY to get to a meeting a day, but it hasn't worked out that way. I've done 3 S-Anon meetings and 1 COSA meeting in the past week.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
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