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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Xpos seems to be an addictive personality too. This is something I have been thinking about. But he was strong enough to beat two of them. Former smoker of many years and was addicted to pain killers after an injury followed by surgery.

He doesn't do anything in stages. Either goes head on and full speed or not at all. Has had many injuries because of not preparing or not conditioning first. Makes up his mind and there is NO changing it or reasoning with him. No amount of common sense talk gets through. Just maddening! And once he made up his mind to go online to meet women, it was the same way.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't do anything in stages. Either goes head on and full speed or not at all. Has had many injuries because of not preparing or not conditioning first. Makes up his mind and there is NO changing it or reasoning with him. No amount of common sense talk gets through. Just maddening! And once he made up his mind to go online to meet women, it was the same way.

Oh god, same here! Moderation is not his thing.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you had the same, Hope. It was very maddening to see him do things that made no sense and only be able to watch the trainwreck.

I guess it was his disrespect and hatred of me that a short time after telling me one of my ideas or suggestions was *stupid* or *ridiculous* as he almost always did, he would tell me someone who told him the same thing and how brilliant it and they were. Any time I said that I had said the same thing before, he would say that I did not! That I just had to be right at all costs. That I would never have come up with that. Just made me go . He tried to cover at times by saying his memory was bad, but I didn't believe it. I stopped saying anything after a while.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, moderation is definitely a problem for WH. He'd suddenly go on these diets where he would eat once a day and then give up and gorge himself.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a while since I posted on SI - I'm trying to focus on my recovery and not dwell in the hurt. My WH finally saw a CSAT and was dx with SA (maybe in Feb/March) He's been going to a Men's Group Therapy with the CSAT, IC with the CSAT, and SA meetings. We are also in MC, but honestly I think his work with the CSAT is more valuable right now. Just recently has he been able to acknowledge his SA issues/dx - before he was in denial and having a hard time accepting the label. He even acknowledged and discussed with me OW6 was just an extension of his SA behaviors. I wish somehow that made me feel better.

I am working very hard on the Codependency issues and trying to re-find my voice for myself and in the M. He seems to be supportive of me and my personal goals as well. I trigger a lot, but in general doing better than I was months ago. I trigerred terribly this week as he had a trip out of town and he was very supportive and proactive in helping me with "safety" strategies.

Everything seems to be moving in a positive direction - but at times I feel like I am sabatoging things - still triggering, still roller coasting at times, still questioning, still struggling with trust in general.

To be honest I am not all that familiar with the recovery process with SA. This sense of feeling like we are moving in a positive direction on the surface looks great - but something that I can't pinpoint makes me feel wary? Is this typical? Could this just be my difficulty with trust? Our MC and my IC are not CSAT and really don't have much on this - WH's therapist is - but I don't meet with her to explore this. On the surface WH is working very hard, he really has come a long way - is this honeymooning? Could you please share your early experience with me?

Thanks.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issaquah, I had to re-read your profile. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself and working on everything! And I'm glad your husband is working on his sex addiction and seeing a CSAT. But it's way too early for you to really know what's going to happen. It's going to be years before you know if he is really moving in the right direction. Follow your instincts. If you're feeling wary, there's a good reason for it.

Mine went to IC, CSAT, MC, group therapy, and 12-Step Meetings from 2004-2007. Everything worked for a few years, but then he relapsed over and over again. I think that SAs like your husband and mine really need inpatient treatment.

Your husband is well down the road of SA. He is not new to this. His behavior is extreme and illegal. The best thing you can do is to prepare yourself for the workplace and financial independence while at the same time going through all the therapy. That way, no matter WHAT happens to him, you can move on and support yourself. At any point, he could be arrested for soliciting prostitutes and then he will no longer be able to support you anyhow. (A lot of other awful things could happen to him too - esp. since he already claims that a prostitute stole his wallet. Next time he could be assaulted or even killed. Obviously he's not hanging out with nice people.)

Good luck. It's good that he's seeking help. But I really really really hope that you will take this time to take care of yourself in two ways: emotionally and also pragmatically (which would include preparing yourself for eventual re-entry into the working world - and financial independence). When I talk to divorced women, the one thing that is immediately apparent is that the ones that are thriving are those who have always worked, or those who have managed to regain financial independence. I'm not saying that you will end up divorced, but it is a big possibility while dealing with a SA.

I'm sure your IC has already told you all this. I've been hearing it for years and ignored it since I had a hard enough time keeping my head above water while dealing with a SA and young children.

GOOD LUCK.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issa - Do you think that you could find a CSAT that treats spouses? It sounds to me like you are having a gut feeling that your SA isn't really into recovery yet. That surface work is the 1st part, the 1st order of change. Going to meetings, seeing a CSAT, coming terms to the fact that they are SAs. The 2nd order of change is much harder to quantify, they really "get" it. You will know when it happens. My CSAT would just keep telling me that until they get into the 2nd order of change, they could still be using and are going to go back to using if they never reach the 2nd order of change. Love my CSAT, seeing her has been the best thing that I have done for myself.

I agree with Choosing, being prepared in case of divorce is an important part of self-care. Part of that for me is a post-nup. As the saying goes, "Expect the best and prepare for the worst!"


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to the question of cross addiction, yes SAWH is a 22 year sober alcoholic. He had been doing very well and as I have said before, seemed to be one of the most self aware and honest people I've ever know.

However, he stopped going to meetings around the time we married. And his behavior has slowly slipped gradually back into the behavior of an active addict. Instead of acting out with alcohol, the disease manifested itself in SA. It seems so strange to say it, but how I WISH he had started to drink again!!!!!

Cross addiction is very common.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 923 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone.

Thanks for all the great advice! Always, always appreciated!

My STBX met with my IC alone. She said that she can see the controlling, anger part of him. She didn't experience the family man side that I married. The caring, loving guy. She asked him specific questions about what he did or did not do.

He admitted to her that he was actually watching porn and that he had an inappropriate communication with someone online! He has NEVER admitted to me in the past 3 years that he was watching porn.

Bam, one session with her, meeting her for the first time and he admits something. He is cautious to say that he only agrees to one more session with her, but she will refer us to a strong MC.

I just don't know if I want to go thru all of his junk. She said he has lots of issues and yesterd and today he was very, very, ugly on the phone to me. I had flashbacks to when we lived together. He would pull that crap in front of the kids and I would fight back.

He still lies and says stupid stuff like he never gets emails or texts I send him. Itold him your the only person who doesn't get my messages. Just back to the fact that he LIES!

Arghh!!! I am dam tired. We are lsing our house. I at least moved out so me and the kids have a place to live.

He's been talking bad about my family lately, yesterday as a matter of fact. This is another reason we got into an argument. I won't have him saying things about my family. He knows that they know what he did.

He actually responded to me today with "whatever". This is how my teenager responds, not a grown man! My IC said he communicates like a 4th grader!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((HUGS))))) to you T2B and Issa!

T2B, I ache for you. Your SAWH sounds so much like Pigfucker!

Please, please protect yourself and tread carefully. You don't deserve this.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 923 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling generous of spirit and charitable tonight. Concerning the issue of cross addiction, isn't it the sad that these intelligent, handsome, men are SO incredibly self destructive? Alcohol abuse, overeating, dangerous and destructive sex, destroying families and women that care about them. They hate themselves and project that on us.

I'll probably go back to feeling bitter and angry tomorrow.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, my SAWH had a full blown drug addiction before the sex addiction. Although the intimacy anorexia was his main "addiction" forever. So they have him put as intimacy anorexia being the core addiction. That which all of the other addictions sprang from.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredykat, I have moments of generosity as well! I do have compassion for the pain he has been in. It's the lies that hurt so much. I do think I would have stood by him if he had disclosed his problems in the beginning and had been willing to work on them then. Now though? I don't know. It makes me sad.

Another question! Has anyone here done Dr. Magness' I Must Heal workshop? He's much like Barbara Steffens in that he thinks the most important part is healing from the trauma.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone29 this is where I am at. He has not disclosed and is complete denial about the whole thing. He won't tell me anything and lies, lies, lies.

I just don't know that I have it in me to go down that road with him if he won't be honest with me.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, SK. This statement is sooo true:

They hate themselves and project that on us.

I think we need to remind ourselves of this. We take everything so personally, (and why wouldn't we?), that it's good to have reminders that it's in them.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn2bits, that's where I am too. I've actually had a 'good' day and I'm feeling pretty clear headed. I see right now that I don't feel safe with him at this time and it is my right and duty to protect myself.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thbighurt/SK, that it exactly why I believe that I need to continue with the D. It is going to take a lot of psychotherapy for him to like himself.

Right now he puts me down and I am not living with him. He has told me 5 times in the last 2 week during regular conversation "torn, well I don't have a masters degree and...". I ask him what the heck does that have to do with anything. Its like he hates that I am educated or that I can do this and that.

He is so low on himself. Is it terrible of me to say I just wnat to be happy. I just want a husband to travel with and love me and not sit there like a noodle when we are at dinner because he is so down and depressed about what he has done.

I am so afraid to get an STD from him. I remember feeling like I had an infection when he was having sex with me and OW. I praise the Lord I didn't get one back then, but if he doesn't even acknowledge the problem, I can trust he is not acting out with another person.

I am tired of going to therapy. The whole dam family is in therapy, the 5 of us. Spending hundreds a month on therapy because of his denial. He is still abusive and I'm not living with him.

The really bad thing, you were all right; regular IC's don't know how they can lie. I had to tell mine when he met her, he's lying about certain stuff. Just like still denying the PA when I confronted her!!!

I want my life back. Maybe I am going to deal with hurt kids and financial issues, but darn at least I would be able to go dancing again or something fun.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
purplebreeze
♀ Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question. Can an older man in their 60's become a sex addict? How do I talk to him when he deletes history so that I supposedly do not know?

He never did much porn. We have been married since we were 20 and I never had to worry. He subscribed to playboy, but many issues are still in the plastic and never opened. He bought 2 dvd's and only watched them a handful of times and threw them away 16 years ago. It wasn't until his parents passed 4 years ago, that he started looking on the computer. 2011 is when he got caught up in his sexting affair.

Any time he is in the computer room and I am not there, he is looking at this adult website where people post pics of themselves having sex or whatever. I have noticed he won't go to the store with me as he used to do. He always says he needs to get stuff done. What he does is go get on the computer for an hour looking at this crap. He deletes the history from this and leaves the rest. He will even take a quick look at it when I get up to go to the bathroom. I have noticed that he is looking at more and more stuff like bondage, sex slave, S&M, etc. He works 12 hour shifts and will get home, shower, have dinner, watch t.v. for 1/2 an hour, get on the computer for and hour and come back to watch t.v. with me for 15 minutes before we go to bed and then want sex. He does little to no foreplay as he is ready to go and he needs to get to sleep because he gets up in 6 1/2 hours to get ready for work. So far, I see nothing but the looking when I check, but I know it is getting more and more frequent. He spends more time looking at this stuff than he does talking to me. he even looks at more womens sexual parts than he does mine. I mentioned that to him and he says that he looks at my sexual part. Yes he does, just the hair. I think he has looked at the inner part 6 times in the last 16 months yet has sex twice a day. Now with how often he looks at that site, he is looking at me and touching me less and less.

One time, he wouldn't go up the street to the farmer's market with me and I got back quicker than he anticipated. He had told me he had to work on the car, well he was in the house and when I went in, I could see he just got off the computer. I asked what do you do, wait until I leave to get on computer. He was furious and didn't talk to me for 4 days. Finally, he says that he just gets so mad to have me following him around. I said I wasn't and he told me I had been doing it for so long, I didn't realize that I was. I am not sure how to bring this up to him without admitted to following him around. I am so afraid he is actually becoming a SA and he would never admit it to himself. Even the sexting with the chick, I think, was just rugswept as he would never talk about it. He even continued to talk to her occasionally for 11 months before he quit. He did show me her email the last few months.

I just feel uncomfortable about this and see it as an emerging problem. I know that if I admit to a keylogger, he will refuse to handle it at all and just blame me for invading his privacy and not look at his problem.


me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Purple, I am afraid I hear too many red flags in your story to NOT be thinking SA. Although SA most often has it's roots in childhood, starting with frequent masturbation as a way to cope with stress, I think it's possible for your husband to have just discovered the internet as an outlet or source of his fix. And the description of his compulsivity, escalation and defensiveness when confronted are all too familiar to many of us.
The first page of this thread had a number of books and other resources that are very helpful. I also think that you should look for an Sanon or Cosa meeting in your area. Similar to Al anon, they help YOU.
You and I are close in age. I didn't discover my SAfWHs acting out until 4 years ago. It is hard to deal with the fact that you really didnt know who you were living with for your entire adult life...
hugs.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Purple, here's something critical for you to and your husband to grasp:

Privacy = leaving the door shut while your spouse uses the toilet

Secrecy = hiding what you do from your spouse because you don't want them to know about it

Right now you're describing your husband engaging in lots of secret behavior. That is not healthy nor is it honest. It's deceptive. It means he's hiding something serious from you. You have every right to demand information. If he's not forthcoming, I think you have every right to get that information by whatever means necessary.

Don't confuse privacy with secrecy any longer.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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