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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((MDC))))

The women here have so much to offer. I'm so glad you came to this thread. Hath has such a story!

It is so nice to have someplace to go where people understand. We have no CSAT's here. No SAA. No S-Anon. I feel so isolated and alone sometimes. So, I come here and read this thread. I don't post often, but I read a couple of times a week to keep up.

Sending you all peace and strength. That's what I want most of all. Peace and strength.

I just remembered something. When I was going through the hell that was my marriage to Pigfucker I remember lying on the floor in the fetal position begging God to just give me some peace. I remember that the only thing I wanted in the whole wide world was a peaceful life without the chaos of addiction and abuse. Duran Duran's Ordinary World was my theme back then.

I thought I'd found peace. But it didn't last.


((((((HUGS)))))) to us all.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 917 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at an impass guys. My SAWH is saying he is doing nothing now, didnt do anything before and is completely committed to me.

The thing is, I know his NPD ways and I will be in court for the next 10 years with him fighting on every point.

In my gut, I know he had a PA, in my gut, I know he is now not doing anything.

Arghh! This is sooooo hard!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know if an addict is lying?

Are his/her lips moving? Then they're lying.

Mine swore on his mother's grave and our children's lives that he hadn't done anything ever. EVER! Yeah, okay, that was just world class level lying right there. He lied to the parenting evaluator. He lies to everyone. That's what addicts do. They lie.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Torn))))))


What NG says, unless he is in real recovery and not just white knuckling. Even now, after 4 years of "sobriety" and 80 weeks of sobriety from even "middle circle" behavior, I don't trust my SAfWH.

It's a crap shoot. Only you can decide how much crap you want in your life.

I demand transparency, accountability, attendance at SA meetings, IC...that's all I can do to insure my own safety. But trust him? Not soon...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys! This is horrible. He has been in IC for over a year.

NG, I think you said it best one time when you said something about going into complacency. All of a sudden he wants to go to MC, etc. He's had 3 years!

I do love him, and raising these kids as a single mom has been hard. I keep telling myself, the kids won't be here forever and it will just be me and him.

He invited me 3 times to take a family church picture. I didn't go.

He says he keeps doing nice things, but I don't respond. Next week we will be married for 24 years:(. I don't think I am going to work that day. He sent flowers last time.

The other thing is, not to toot my own horn, but my family says I won't be this young forever (my looks, whatever). Its now or never. Since I took off my rings, I have had lots of men ask me out, want to take me to dinner.

Its terrible, because I still love the man I married. I am working with my IC about why, after all he's done, I don't hate him.

My family also says, at least I know his history. I could get another serial cheater, SA or whatever. Arghh!!!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Torn))))

I don't think you're ever too old to find true love, even with some wrinkles. But I completely agree that it's easier when you're young and healthy and look great.

Have you spent any time lurking on the new beginnings board to see how people are doing there? It's helped me to see that there's a great big world out there past sex addiction, abusive husbands, and NPDs.

I also have made some friends who are divorced - an amazing group of women, and they inspire me.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I meant to add that these divorced women are HAPPY. Nearly all are happily remarried or dating, except for one who has only been divorced about a year now from her NPD ex. She's still working on things. But everyone else is doing very well.

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn, I agree with Choosing. I SO wish I had known what was going on in my life when I was in my 40s. I would have ditched the guy, and looked for integrity, even if it was by myself.

The thing is, your WH hasn't even admitted to his disease. That doesn't bode well.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn, it sounds like you don't really think anything is going to change. Trusts your own instincts, if he isn't in recovery there is no point of trying again. Of course, as they say in the program, if you don't know what to do then you don't have to do anything. Seems like you were ready to move on a while ago. What is keeping you from pulling the plug now?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing, I just want to point out that there are more of us posting in New Beginnings that are D and neither remarried nor even dating. There is one thread that keeps popping up about non-dating NB'ers. You can count me as one who is happier not to be dealing with his particular brand of craziness, abuse and the knee-deep eggshells. And I do wish I had woke up to it long ago. Sadly, I didn't recognize his abuse. We M very young and that was what I knew of M. I thought all M were like that behind the facade.

Each of us has to make our choice based on circumstances and I can only speak for mine. Xpos made the choice to end it on DDay, but it had been so bad that I felt relief. And lots of anger, but relief from the terrible stress and the daily assaults on my self esteem. I'm much better off alone.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1969 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BigHurt. Yes New Beginnings can mean a lot of things, not just dating. It can just mean getting beyond this craziness to a place of peace and safety.

I was just talking to a psychologist about this.

And yes, in New Beginnings here, many people are not dating, and not ready to date, for good reasons. It's because we're a self-selecting group here - a group of people who have been harmed very badly by infidelity. (However, I do have some newbie friends here who are dating.)

In real life, many people haven't been quite as damaged by the ex-husbands and their marriages. So they tend to move on more quickly and find a new relationship. That's what I've seen around me in my neighborhood and with my IRL friends. All except one have moved on, are dating/remarried, and happy.

As for staying too long, I did that too. But I'm thankful to have finally escaped and to hopefully have many decades still ahead of me. If I want, I can date. Or not. My destiny is finally in my own hands.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for staying too long, I did that too. But I'm thankful to have finally escaped and to hopefully have many decades still ahead of me. If I want, I can date. Or not. My destiny is finally in my own hands.

BAM! There's the money quote for the day. I'm so thankful I am OUT from STBX's shadow. No more worrying (except when he has the kids). No more feeling inadequate. No more walking on eggshells. No more guessing how he'll respond to this or that. I am free from him and his dysfunction. My life is finally my own again. I'm in an entirely different kind of hell as we divorce because he's a personality disordered person bent on vengnance. But it's still better than the hell I lived in when we were together. And I have hope for a better future for myself and my children.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say, before I forget, when I submit my suggestions for the upcoming spouses treatment thing at the center I go for IC, I am definitely going to address the lack of support out there for spouses that LEAVE their SAs. That is not something I see there or at S-Anon here.

Torn, I am sure it is incredibly difficult for you. But I have to agree with the others. It sounds like you will be better without him.

In my particular instance I have had a difficult journey with a lot of setbacks. Yes, we are still together, but it's a different kind of relationship. I feel like he is in a place where he is maintaining sobriety well, is changing a lot of core behaviors, becoming more of the husband and father he should have been all along - BUT, I am totally aware he has an incredibly long way to go and just by virtue of being an SA it comes with a lot of risk (and in his case, a lot more risk). And for him, his recovery will be lifelong and slow. I only recently figured out my recovery will be lifelong for me as well, with or without him in the picture. I'm kind of ignorant that way.

So it is always as Ann Landers said, "Am I better off with him or without him?" And you make that decision every day, one day at a time. Or reaffirm your choice every day. It is incredibly difficult no matter what path you take. You just have to learn to trust yourself again that you know what is best for you.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to bring this back to Torn. . . who just asked about divorce, age, and possibly dating in her future.

Torn, until your STBX does some serious work on himself, he won't really change. And you're left in limbo, as the years pass by. I know that's a terrible place. It probably feels easier, though, and more familiar, then being divorced and on your own. I definitely get that!

I know you'll continue to work on yourself, and keep asking questions, and keep talking to people to broaden your vision of what marriages can and should look like. I WISH I had done this in 2004. Maybe I still would have stayed with STBX since I was pregnant, and because he was in treatment at that time. And because I couldn't have known how much worse he would get.

At least I would have gained the perspectives of a lot of people with diverse lives and situations. That would have helped me, no matter what.

***(((Torn)))***


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, we cross-posted. - Hope

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say you ladies are seriously my heros. I am in awe of the progress you all have made and it is all I can do to not yell "You go, girl!" when I read here.

I have not been posting much because my middle daughter is in the throes of being evaluated for special needs services. She will need special considerations, meds, PT, OT from both school and on our part. It has been a incredibly draining experience, not unlike my whole journey with SAWH, and similarly relieved it really has nothing to do with me (or the shitstorm that has transpired in the past two years) and she can be helped. It has taken a lot of my time, but I do read here frequently even though I don't always post.

I honestly don't think I would be where I am today if not for this forum (in part). There is a brutal but caring honesty here and a wealth of experience to draw from. For that I will be eternally grateful.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just posting in my thread in general about SAWH's other addiction: overeating.

Since we got married, he has gained over 100 pounds.

Do your SA spouses have other addictions?


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 453 | Registered: Mar 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@sadone...My SAfWH is compulsive about many things, sweets, fatty food, alcohol on ocassion. He also has ADHD tendencies, has bipolar2 and shows passive aggressive traits.
Don't think it's ever simple...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine drinks WAY too much alcohol and is now very overweight.

He also has a borderline personality disorder (NPD), which I think fuels all the other problems including the SA.

His father is an alcoholic, though he hasn't drank anything in 30+ years. His mother was NPD. His maternal aunt is bipolar.

What a mess.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone, I am guessing that STBX gained at least 50 pounds since our separation.

I wonder if when they lose control of one area of their lives, they lose control of others???


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
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