Have you gotten any therapy for YOU? You have had some serious trauma. And the D isn't going to make it any easier. Please tell me you are seeing an an IC, and hopefully a CSAT or someone familiar with addictions. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and your kids deserve a happy and healthy mama.
Here's the thing. When the SA goes through recovery, once they get past accepting they have a problem and getting past the initial shame, it is mostly getting better from there. Their shame is lifted, they suddenly have so much more free time (because they aren't acting out) to do all this recovery work. They feel better about themselves. Etc.
The spouse, on the other hand, has a downward cycle before it gets better. We are suddenly slapped in the face with betrayal and shame of an ungodly intensity, and have to deal with the trauma fallout. We go through all the shit that a BS goes through, can't eat/sleep/function/have panic attacks whatever. We suddenly have to devote all this time to our own care and recovery WITHOUT gaining time from losing a less desirable time suck. Even in the best case scenario, the SA can't give us the best attention and support we need when we need it most. It is quite the shit sandwich, and we are justifiably resentful. Of all the lost time. Of finding out our lives/partners were not who they led us to believe. Of the crap we have had to endure as a result of the acting out, and in recovery. Of having to keep secrets, or deal with the fallout of not keeping secrets. The guilt of all of it affecting our performance as friend, family member, parent, a human being. And IDK if there is really *anything* a SA, even one in full recovery for years, could do to really remedy and make up for all that. So we are mad that they aren't killing themselves trying to anyway, whether they really are, they think they are, or don't even try because they would fail. All this often happens while they are getting better and feeling better about themselves. And it is not fair.
So you are totally justified in your "funk", as it were. Since I am in the same position, I can't really tell you from experience it does get better. But I have to believe it does. At any rate, I can tell you I am way better now than I was almost two years ago, and I feel like it can only get better going forward no matter what happens. And that counts for something.
I know WH is a serial cheater, but does that make him an SA?
Our story... WH left me for OW#2 in 2005, we were separated for 10 months but rarely spent any time apart. I finally got strong enough to walk away and a week later WH came home.
When we reconciled he told me about OW#1 who was my best friend at the time. This affair happened in 2001. She was pregnant right around that time so after disclosure I repeatedly asked him if the baby was his and he denied for years.
For the next 7 years things were great. We had a totally different marriage then we had before the separation.
September 2012 I found out he had been in contact with OW#2 again. He swore it was just phone contact and I believed him. He was extremely remorseful (more then I had ever seen him before) so life went on until January.
I started noticing he was distant and after several weeks of trying to be a better wife he tells me that he did sleep with OW#2 again and that he believes OW#1's child is his. He says he has been distant because he knew he had to confess and had been withdrawing from me because he knew I would leave him once he told me.
I always thought I would too. But here I am still loving this man and wanting to save my marriage. A couple of weeks later he confessed 2 more affairs. One took place before our 2005 separation and one took place about a year into our reconciliation. That was mid February and there have been no more confessions. He says that's everything.
He is extremely guilt ridden and remorseful however he has moved out because he says he needs to punish himself for what he's done to me. He wants to change and he wants to get help. I guess time will tell.
Also, my WH was sexually abused as a child by a neighborhood boy/man. He has never told anyone but me.
Honestly I can't believe I'm separated again and still wanting to work it out after all he's done.
The first pages of this thread have some great resources to help you. I recommend the book Deceived to perhaps explain some things that may be going on.
Protect yourself, especially since you don't know what he is doing. If you haven't gotten an STD test, you probably should.
I am sorry you are hurting. Keep posting, we are here for you.
He did say yesterday that he called the counselor yesterday, of course he waited until close to 5 and they said they needed time to do a phone screening so he has to call back when he has more time. Hopefully he does. He doesn't like things to be inconvenient.
I'm trying to stay strong and not engage in conversation with him but it's hard when you're addicted to your spouse. As soon as he seems like he's not wanting to engage much with me then I go right back to being talkative.
I'm going to try to go to a s-anon meeting this next week. I have no family within 1000 miles of me so I need some support.
The last time we went through this forums were a big help to me. I was on Marriage Builders but with multiple affairs I doubt they will be very positive at my wanting to work out my marriage.
Maybe one day I will realize I should move on but I can't handle being told that right now. I'm trying to work on myself and not focus on him but somedays are much harder than others.
sexual anorexia and intimacy anorexia
Raising hand here...of course, it was all my fault...
I also wanted to ask, does your SA still tell lies about things, regular everyday stuff?
We're a little over 2 years out, he is in recovery. However, I am still recovering. He now gets a full night of sleep because it's not filled with his extra activities each night. So he should have more time, right? Well, there's the twice a week meetings and then weekend step study. So basically, since he's not killing himself to get me to stay, we've gone right back to daily life like it was before, except no bad attitude and not as much detachment from him. He actually talk to the kids and what not. He now empties the dishwasher regularly. However, there's still 10,000,000 other things in the house that I am doing by myself or organizing for me and the kids to do.
So all in all, my life still feels like a servitude because he has 2 nights a week that he's just not home until late. Saturday mornings he's not home. We have activities twice a week at night and no one feels like doing anything after that. Ugh! I'm rambling because I'm frustrated. Seriously, I didn't get a great big influx of extra time just a whole lot of emotional suckage!
I've got some other issues going on with him that I'll bring to the table later. Plus a slew of nightmares that he's really just stringing me along so he can get his ducks in a row for a whammy divorce. The nightmares I need to let go, but I'm just sick of having them.
Sorry for the ramble ladies! Just having one of those days.
Like I said though, still think I don't want to be married. For a decade, I felt emotionally distant from him. Now add on top of that all of the feelings of betrayal and knowing his addictions were the most important things to him, I just don't know how to go on with him. It feels like too big of a hurdle to overcome. I'm not sure I want to either.
[This message edited by sadone29 at 12:53 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]
BS - 56
WH - 59
Married 37 years
Three grown children & 4 beautiful grandchildren
unknown number of encounters, so far just whores from Craigslist
Have you read up on 180? I would suggest starting that asap. He has to take control of his recovery, if that's what he chooses to do. You can't do it for him. We have to get ourselves out of harm's way at the beginning. He has to see what is truly at stake here. If he doesn't choose to go into recovery, then you need to choose what you can live with. You don't owe him forgiveness or reconciliation. This is the time to take care of yourself! And don't feel guilty about that. This is the most painful thing I've gone through (I suspect it's the same for you too). Even if he does go into recovery, it's still your choice whether to stay or go. It may take years to make that decision and that's okay. You work on your own timeline now.
It's awful to be in this situation at any point in life, but like I said to my SAWH - I'm 63 years old! What the hell am I supposed to do now?
Of course the answer is, take care of myself. Whatever it takes for me to keep moving forward is my priority. Sometimes the best I can do is say to myself, "keep moving" and that's OK, that helps.
Thinking of you all -
The CSAT center I and SAWH receive therapy at is putting together weekend intensives for spouses. Not where you drive in both days, you stay for the whole thing at a hotel, with the "sleepover" component we were talking about before. For the bonding and because it is too hard to go home and sleep when you are discussing all the betrayal, etc. So anyway, they are soliciting input from all their current spouse patients to develop this and I would love to hear input from you all. What would you like to be included/addressed? What kinds of activities would be helpful? ETc.
We were on vacation and checking into our hotel. The kids were kind of wily, so I told him I was going to take them to the park, would he like to come. No, he says, I'll get everything unpacked (martyr). It ends up I can't even get the kids out of the parking lot; I call him to help me - no answer. Call the hotel phone - no answer. I start to freak out. We go back to hotel room - he is not there. We stay in the hotel (the kids are eating a snack) and he comes back from a workout. So, he doesn't tell me that he wants to stay home because he wants to work out (doing something for himself), he says it's because he is going to unpack our luggage (doing something for us and playing the martyr: "oh no, you go out and play, I will stay in the dreary hotel and unpack everyone's things." poor muffin).
I also watched him lie to his mother on the phone without missing a beat. I took the kids away for the weekend; we were supposed to go as a family, but he got pissed at me about not knowing where the top to a water bottle was (it came out later in MC that I was "careless" and "neglectful" for not knowing where the water bottle cap was). As he started to berate me, I told him, "go ahead, hit me with your best shot; I'm bulletproof," and he got pissed for talking that way to him in front of the kids, decided that he wasn't going to go with us as a "punishment" to me. (Not really, dude). Anyway, his mother was on the phone admonishing him for not going on the trip with us and she asked him why he didn't go. He told her because he had things to do around the house. Lies, lies and lies.
So, yes, I am sure he lies continually - many I do not even bother to catch him in.
Anyway, just wanted to post that for you, torn.