Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, GrossedOut, I so remember your story. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to split. Nobody should stay with an unremorseful WS that refuses to get help, and certainly should not stay with any sort of addict that refuses to get help. Sadly, the WS wanting to stay together for convenience is right out of the WS handbook, it's not even specific to SAs. But in the case of SAs that are not in recovery, it is infinitely more dangerous for you and your kids. You are doing the right thing. Trust your gut.

Have you gotten any therapy for YOU? You have had some serious trauma. And the D isn't going to make it any easier. Please tell me you are seeing an an IC, and hopefully a CSAT or someone familiar with addictions. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and your kids deserve a happy and healthy mama.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((CM)))) Definitely go have a big bday celebration of some kind. A girls night out, or go to a beach resort alone, get massages and room service and cabana boys to bring you drinks.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Notme))) I totally relate to what you posted, I too am just under 2 years out, and have a SAWH that is in recovery but it often feels like not enough.

Here's the thing. When the SA goes through recovery, once they get past accepting they have a problem and getting past the initial shame, it is mostly getting better from there. Their shame is lifted, they suddenly have so much more free time (because they aren't acting out) to do all this recovery work. They feel better about themselves. Etc.

The spouse, on the other hand, has a downward cycle before it gets better. We are suddenly slapped in the face with betrayal and shame of an ungodly intensity, and have to deal with the trauma fallout. We go through all the shit that a BS goes through, can't eat/sleep/function/have panic attacks whatever. We suddenly have to devote all this time to our own care and recovery WITHOUT gaining time from losing a less desirable time suck. Even in the best case scenario, the SA can't give us the best attention and support we need when we need it most. It is quite the shit sandwich, and we are justifiably resentful. Of all the lost time. Of finding out our lives/partners were not who they led us to believe. Of the crap we have had to endure as a result of the acting out, and in recovery. Of having to keep secrets, or deal with the fallout of not keeping secrets. The guilt of all of it affecting our performance as friend, family member, parent, a human being. And IDK if there is really *anything* a SA, even one in full recovery for years, could do to really remedy and make up for all that. So we are mad that they aren't killing themselves trying to anyway, whether they really are, they think they are, or don't even try because they would fail. All this often happens while they are getting better and feeling better about themselves. And it is not fair.

So you are totally justified in your "funk", as it were. Since I am in the same position, I can't really tell you from experience it does get better. But I have to believe it does. At any rate, I can tell you I am way better now than I was almost two years ago, and I feel like it can only get better going forward no matter what happens. And that counts for something.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
seriously2many
♀ New Member
Member # 38979
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not really sure my WH is an SA or not but after reading through these posts I find that I relate to so many of your thoughts and feelings.

I know WH is a serial cheater, but does that make him an SA?

Our story... WH left me for OW#2 in 2005, we were separated for 10 months but rarely spent any time apart. I finally got strong enough to walk away and a week later WH came home.

When we reconciled he told me about OW#1 who was my best friend at the time. This affair happened in 2001. She was pregnant right around that time so after disclosure I repeatedly asked him if the baby was his and he denied for years.

For the next 7 years things were great. We had a totally different marriage then we had before the separation.

September 2012 I found out he had been in contact with OW#2 again. He swore it was just phone contact and I believed him. He was extremely remorseful (more then I had ever seen him before) so life went on until January.

I started noticing he was distant and after several weeks of trying to be a better wife he tells me that he did sleep with OW#2 again and that he believes OW#1's child is his. He says he has been distant because he knew he had to confess and had been withdrawing from me because he knew I would leave him once he told me.

I always thought I would too. But here I am still loving this man and wanting to save my marriage. A couple of weeks later he confessed 2 more affairs. One took place before our 2005 separation and one took place about a year into our reconciliation. That was mid February and there have been no more confessions. He says that's everything.

He is extremely guilt ridden and remorseful however he has moved out because he says he needs to punish himself for what he's done to me. He wants to change and he wants to get help. I guess time will tell.

Also, my WH was sexually abused as a child by a neighborhood boy/man. He has never told anyone but me.

Honestly I can't believe I'm separated again and still wanting to work it out after all he's done.


Me - 41 - IC, S-Anon
WH - 39 - Hasn't chosen recovery
M - 16 years, 2 teenage children
Dday1 - 9/6/05 (separated 10 months)
Dday 2 - 6/20/06
Dday 3 TT from Jan. 2013 - May 2013
He moved out 4/8/13
Status: Separated and in limbo

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Seriously2many)))

The first pages of this thread have some great resources to help you. I recommend the book Deceived to perhaps explain some things that may be going on.

Protect yourself, especially since you don't know what he is doing. If you haven't gotten an STD test, you probably should.

I am sorry you are hurting. Keep posting, we are here for you.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
seriously2many
♀ New Member
Member # 38979
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Torn2Bits. I have started Deceived and Mending a Shattered Heart.

He did say yesterday that he called the counselor yesterday, of course he waited until close to 5 and they said they needed time to do a phone screening so he has to call back when he has more time. Hopefully he does. He doesn't like things to be inconvenient.

I'm trying to stay strong and not engage in conversation with him but it's hard when you're addicted to your spouse. As soon as he seems like he's not wanting to engage much with me then I go right back to being talkative.

I'm going to try to go to a s-anon meeting this next week. I have no family within 1000 miles of me so I need some support.

The last time we went through this forums were a big help to me. I was on Marriage Builders but with multiple affairs I doubt they will be very positive at my wanting to work out my marriage.

Maybe one day I will realize I should move on but I can't handle being told that right now. I'm trying to work on myself and not focus on him but somedays are much harder than others.



Me - 41 - IC, S-Anon
WH - 39 - Hasn't chosen recovery
M - 16 years, 2 teenage children
Dday1 - 9/6/05 (separated 10 months)
Dday 2 - 6/20/06
Dday 3 TT from Jan. 2013 - May 2013
He moved out 4/8/13
Status: Separated and in limbo

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering how many of you are also dealing with Intimacy Anorexia? We have started doing some work on that, also. It has explained so much more than just the SA. As there was sexual anorexia for 11 years and intimacy anorexia for the entire marriage.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sexual anorexia and intimacy anorexia

Raising hand here...of course, it was all my fault...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sexual anorexia for almost the entire time we were together and even though I thought that we had emotional intimacy, looking back now, we never did. Sorry for all of you who are dealing with this - it is so abusive and WRONG.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked WH if we R, would we have sex. He said you know some marriages don't have sex.

I also wanted to ask, does your SA still tell lies about things, regular everyday stuff?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, hath. Seriously, from your words to God's ears. That is exactly the train of thought I was having today.

We're a little over 2 years out, he is in recovery. However, I am still recovering. He now gets a full night of sleep because it's not filled with his extra activities each night. So he should have more time, right? Well, there's the twice a week meetings and then weekend step study. So basically, since he's not killing himself to get me to stay, we've gone right back to daily life like it was before, except no bad attitude and not as much detachment from him. He actually talk to the kids and what not. He now empties the dishwasher regularly. However, there's still 10,000,000 other things in the house that I am doing by myself or organizing for me and the kids to do.

So all in all, my life still feels like a servitude because he has 2 nights a week that he's just not home until late. Saturday mornings he's not home. We have activities twice a week at night and no one feels like doing anything after that. Ugh! I'm rambling because I'm frustrated. Seriously, I didn't get a great big influx of extra time just a whole lot of emotional suckage!

I've got some other issues going on with him that I'll bring to the table later. Plus a slew of nightmares that he's really just stringing me along so he can get his ducks in a row for a whammy divorce. The nightmares I need to let go, but I'm just sick of having them.

Sorry for the ramble ladies! Just having one of those days.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So WH made the decision (all on his own; I've been doing 180) to go to SAA. It still feels like it might be too little too late for the marriage, but I'm relieved. I can see that he's in pain and struggling. If he can get healthy enough to be that good role model for the kids, that would be amazing.

Like I said though, still think I don't want to be married. For a decade, I felt emotionally distant from him. Now add on top of that all of the feelings of betrayal and knowing his addictions were the most important things to him, I just don't know how to go on with him. It feels like too big of a hurdle to overcome. I'm not sure I want to either.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 12:53 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't really believe I'm here! Where do you start? We have been married 37 years. I admit that the last 5 have not been happy but never saw this coming. We started a construction business in 1999 & slowly but surely climbed our way up the success ladder. For the first time in our married life I didn't have to work outside the home to make ends meet. Our children got married & the grandchildren started coming & life was wonderful, or so I thought. With the economic events of 2008 construction came to a grinding halt but the bills didn't. Customers were going bankrupt therefore our company got left holding the bag for work that had already been completed. The list goes on but as you can guess this required me to return to work just to keep the lights on at our house. I've never had trouble finding work as an RN but back then the jobs were few and far between. I ended up taking a job working in a doctor's office, the only job I've ever had that I HATED! It didn't pay what I had been used to making but it was a job and we needed the money badly. Just 8 weeks ago on Tuesday, 2/19/13, I made the discovery that would change my life completely. I got home from work a little early & decided to tidy up a little. I had gotten a bill that didn't seem right. I went to the computer to look up my account and there it was. My husband's email account (a work account) had been left open. Normally I would have just closed it to continue on with my business but, this time something caught my eye. A message from a woman. I opened it and started reading. There was no way anyone could ever be prepared for what was contained in that message. Ask anyone else & they would have told you that it was clearly a spam message but the fact that it was there in the first place made my heart skip a beat. The content of the message was clearly an intent to meet up for sex. I kept reading. There were more messages, from other women. I kept reading & as I continued on I saw it glaring at me like a neon sign. Her - "Where are you?" Him - "Same room 118". OMG! I started printing. He came home about 30 minutes later & I confronted him with the proof in my hand, nasty pictures included. Even with that he tried to lie his way out of it saying he had gone to some "sites" & this was just spam. Since when does spam include your picture and cell phone number? My life flashed before my eyes as if I were dying. I guess in some way I was. He finally hung his head & admitted that he had seen a prostitute, twice. It didn't mean anything. It was "just sex". Is that supposed to make me feel better? By Friday we are at a counselor's office & she breaks it to us that he is a sex addict. It might as well have been a diagnosis of cancer since I saw an immenient end to life as I knew it. He started going to SA meetings the next week and so far has attended 4 plus a step weekend program. I've been reading the posts here on SI & am absolutely astounded at the number of people who have decided to violate someone they say they love and break the most sacred of vows. Call me old fashioned but I really believed in til death do you part. I know we are making great strides towards reconsiliation since we have connected more in the last 2 months than we have in 5 years but, yesterday it just hit me. This is my reality & how am I going to live with this? Right now all I know is that he began to see prostitutes or "models" back in 1997. He says it only happened a couple of times & then he stopped. In 2003 I got an STD which I blew off (not really)as a chronic problem with prostatitis so there was something there. Then again two years ago he admits to seeing a couple of girls for "monkey sex". And now, here we are. He has seen the same girl (the same age as our youngest daughter) twice but she is not the only one he has seen, this year. He says he is going in a new direction now and wants to think about positive thought. He doesn't want to disclose anymore information because going back "there" only serves to make him remember the things he is trying desperately to forget. I can totally understand that but, I need to know. I need to know how many, when & where. At some point I need to know how much money he spent on the nasty sluts during a time I was having to borrow money from my elderly parents to buy groceries. I'm pretty sure I've hit the angry stage! Somebody help me! I need some good advice.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BS - 56
WH - 59
Married 37 years
Three grown children & 4 beautiful grandchildren
D-Day 2-19-13
unknown number of encounters, so far just whores from Craigslist


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're here too outtanowhere. I'm lucky in that I caught SAWH fairly early on in his addiction. He's only 29 and has been trying to control himself on his own. He has contacted a prostitute in the past, but still claims he backed out. If I hadn't caught him in an EA, this could have gone on and escalated over many years. I'm sorry you had to find out after so much damage has been done. :(

Have you read up on 180? I would suggest starting that asap. He has to take control of his recovery, if that's what he chooses to do. You can't do it for him. We have to get ourselves out of harm's way at the beginning. He has to see what is truly at stake here. If he doesn't choose to go into recovery, then you need to choose what you can live with. You don't owe him forgiveness or reconciliation. This is the time to take care of yourself! And don't feel guilty about that. This is the most painful thing I've gone through (I suspect it's the same for you too). Even if he does go into recovery, it's still your choice whether to stay or go. It may take years to make that decision and that's okay. You work on your own timeline now.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
AimfortheHeart
♀ New Member
Member # 37195
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((outanowhere))) I so remember 8 weeks from my DDay. I was still gasping for breath and feeling immobilized. Fury and sadness alternate. It is all traumatizing and awful.

There is a lot of information on page one of this thread. I've read it over and over again. The Barbara Steffens book is extremely helpful, order that as soon as you can.

It's awful to be in this situation at any point in life, but like I said to my SAWH - I'm 63 years old! What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Of course the answer is, take care of myself. Whatever it takes for me to keep moving forward is my priority. Sometimes the best I can do is say to myself, "keep moving" and that's OK, that helps.

Thinking of you all -


Me - BS 63
Him - SAWH 61
D-day #1 8/22/12
D-day #2 11/3/13
D-day #3 12/15/13

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2012
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It still boggles my mind at the number of folks in this "sisterhood"! I never imagined there were so many out of control people living among us not to mention the one sleeping beside us. Thank you all for the help you have offered today. I know I will be pretty much a resident on this site for many months to come. I can already see that there are some very kind & compassionate souls here that have felt this same heartbreak. It's such a shame that anyone should have to go through this!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all in the sisterhood. And the lurking brothers, too.

The CSAT center I and SAWH receive therapy at is putting together weekend intensives for spouses. Not where you drive in both days, you stay for the whole thing at a hotel, with the "sleepover" component we were talking about before. For the bonding and because it is too hard to go home and sleep when you are discussing all the betrayal, etc. So anyway, they are soliciting input from all their current spouse patients to develop this and I would love to hear input from you all. What would you like to be included/addressed? What kinds of activities would be helpful? ETc.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm too new to this game to offer any helpful activities but just to let you know I would love to attend something like this. I live in Alabama & haven't heard about this.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn - I know you've asked the lying question a couple of times. I have a recent example of how SAWH lies:

We were on vacation and checking into our hotel. The kids were kind of wily, so I told him I was going to take them to the park, would he like to come. No, he says, I'll get everything unpacked (martyr). It ends up I can't even get the kids out of the parking lot; I call him to help me - no answer. Call the hotel phone - no answer. I start to freak out. We go back to hotel room - he is not there. We stay in the hotel (the kids are eating a snack) and he comes back from a workout. So, he doesn't tell me that he wants to stay home because he wants to work out (doing something for himself), he says it's because he is going to unpack our luggage (doing something for us and playing the martyr: "oh no, you go out and play, I will stay in the dreary hotel and unpack everyone's things." poor muffin).

I also watched him lie to his mother on the phone without missing a beat. I took the kids away for the weekend; we were supposed to go as a family, but he got pissed at me about not knowing where the top to a water bottle was (it came out later in MC that I was "careless" and "neglectful" for not knowing where the water bottle cap was). As he started to berate me, I told him, "go ahead, hit me with your best shot; I'm bulletproof," and he got pissed for talking that way to him in front of the kids, decided that he wasn't going to go with us as a "punishment" to me. (Not really, dude). Anyway, his mother was on the phone admonishing him for not going on the trip with us and she asked him why he didn't go. He told her because he had things to do around the house. Lies, lies and lies.

So, yes, I am sure he lies continually - many I do not even bother to catch him in.

Anyway, just wanted to post that for you, torn.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath - so good to hear about the weekend intensives for spouses! I missed a recent retreat for SA spouses in my area; I will get the pamphlet and let you know what they discussed.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.