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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Hath If it helps, my limited knowledge of other SA spouses, is that the sexual anorexia isn't universal. My SAfWh was affectionate much of the time. And I have recently begun reading a new Carnes book, The Betrayal Bond, that talks about "love bombing" as part of the abuse cycle. Wow, he was a master at that! Affection, compliments, sexual overtures, but rarely could perform and/or finish. He would then withdraw, and later revert to verbal abuse and neglect.
My SAFWH, likewise has no sexual trauma in childhood, a relatively normal FOO, albeit one with some dysfunction, who doesn't, but he has been diagnosed recently with bipolar 2, which might account for some of the SA.
While I think there is vast knowledge of SA, it just ISN'T an exact science. No two SAs are going.to present in the same ways, nor respond to treatment in the same ways. Just as we must look at those dire statistics with some caution, so must we look at our own situations and know that there are different.shoes for different feet.
I just don't think, unfortunately, we can pigeonhole it all that way...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

said much better than me, Kat.

Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

littlehope - you can go to sexhelp.com and have your H take a questionnaire to see if he is a sex addict. You can also look for a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) on the same website. These are the only therapists trained to treat sex addicts. Please continue to ask questions and share your story; you have found a good group of people who will help you on your journey.

hath - I have read about and spoken with SA spouses who say they have frequent sex with their SA and others who have the sexual anorexia. So I think it can go both ways. I recently spoke with a friend of a friend who is an SA spouse; she said they were active 3x/wk so she was shocked when she found out about the LTAs and prostitutes.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
sodeeplysaddened
♀ Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hath)) - my SAWH is/was more like yours than the other "normals" I see.

He had a pretty good FOO, no trauma, etc. (When we were going to D, I had him tell them why and they took MY side!)

Even while acting out, he was affectionate and kind, I'd get emails and texts telling me how wonderful I was and how lucky he was to have me. What I hate most now were the flowers... I got more flowers during the time he was acting out than ever before. Now I don't like getting flowers

No sexual anorexia either, but the sex was not as good... I didn't realize why at the time, but now I know it was the warped image he was getting from the porn and probably the MOWs.

I love this board for all the support and angles we get to review what is now, unfortunately, our life.


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


Posts: 246 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: In R.
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, I think I discussed with you before, but I also think my WH doesnt present in the typical way.

He was always affectionate and always wanted to have sex. I was the one who was witholding sex/affection. But he would still try to hold me every night and tell me he loved me (I didnt say it back). Prior to dday there were never sexual issues with him.

After dday, a while after, he had some ED issues. He said it was guilt and nervousness, and some depression. Who knows? If we had done the abstinence I would never have known. Because he continued to always be affectionate, and even playful/foreplay. He also got erections, but when it came to intercourse he would lose it (sometimes).

He didnt have any abuse in childhood. He was/is the golden boy! His parents relationship wasnt perfect but it wasnt abusive or anything and they stayed married. No trauma. Also his early adolescent sexuality or porn use does not seem unusual in any way, in fact late/little by american standards. He also claims that he rarely masturbated during our early marriage, and porn use was infrequent AND we were open about it with each other. He does not feel porn was his main SA component.

He decided he wanted to have sex with someone else, probably after reading ads on craigslist (oh look! All these desperate horny women out there, when my wife is a frigid bitch.) and went for it. Even though he felt guilty sometimes, I dont think he ever truly 'tried to stop'. After I left him(not because of sa), that is when I think he crossed into addictive behavior, and when his acting out ramped up. I am lucky in one way... I know when he got physical with someone for the first time, from detailed things in his email. Otherwise I would never know what to believe. So far there has not been a relapse/slip to my knowledge. Which also does not seem to be the norm.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for the replies. It makes me feel better and like I'm not the only one, LOL. In my group and S-Anon it seems like anorexia dominates, they have body issues and trouble communicating what they want and need sexually. I have always been very direct about what I want and need, and what my limits are. <shocker, ROFL>. So I feel out of my element when I get to have discussions with other spouses IRL. These latest posts I can way more relate to.

Love bombing. Wow, that's so true here, even now. He was never really outwardly abusive, even verbally. There was never any gaslighting until AFTER d-day. And when I was PG with #3 until DDay, with hindsight 20/20 his sexual wants in general was most definitely skewed by excessive porn usage (and prostitute/SMBD use, I'm sure). But again, I've always been clear about my needs/wants/limits, and when his sexual requests got too weird and he'd keep asking for things he knew were not within the boundaries in the heat of the moment, I got to where I would get angry and not want sex any more. And I told him that. Many times. Then I said no kinky stuff AT ALL because you make me angry and resent you because you are always trying to push the envelope. Then it waned for a while as a result, and my life got stupid busy and exhausting outside the M then so I didn't care. Then things slowed down for me and our sex life went back to normal...then Dday.

I still haven't had sex with him since. I am sexual with him, but we don't have intercourse. So in that respect I guess you could call it anorexia, but since we are still sexual frequently I don't think so. Or am I wrong?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, This is my first time posting here, but have spent quite a bit of time reading here. I am not here because of a WS, but, rather, myself.

The WS (xpos) is long gone, he left on DDay after filing for D, but things I read in other forum areas led me to believe he is SA, mostly, except for the part where everyone was saying that their WS is/was not sexual with them. Xpos never let up on it. In fact, we had sex just a few days before DDay. It was different the last few times, but I knew I felt different about him and the way he was acting. These recent posts confirm what I experienced, stating about people who have had a Dx who have what their partner considered a "normal" sex life.

I, too, got flowers out of the blue that I now think were from guilt. I said things about it and he said he refused to buy me flowers ever again and never did. He is a very controlling person. I know what went on in his childhood that led to this, it was real trauma. I have talked to a psychologist about it. He was very controlling in his teen years, but I didn't have the experience to recognize it as that. Our whole M was that way. I'm happy to be out of it! I felt relief from the stress and eggshells the minute he walked out the door.

Anyway, the reason I came here is to ask if there is something at this point that I could/should be doing for ME. I am seeing IC when I can get there, but not sure she is helping fully. What do you wise people suggest?


He was deeply into porn for many years, online to lots of horrible sites. He said it "didn't hurt anyone" and that he wouldn't stop when I asked him why he had to do that so much. The "nicest" one was AM. He spent time every day on CL and when I had his on-line life examined, he was looking at all the personals there for "casual and anonymous sex". He even went for one where a man was looking for men to have sex with his wife so he could watch. (I know this went on for at least 2 years before DDay and was suspicious for at least 4 years.) And, I believe he had Gonorrhea in the last month before he left. I was very lucky to avoid that! What do you advise?


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Ladies,
So much to post - this is a good discussion.

-re: sexual anorexia - we never had sex (2-3x/yr), and when we did have it, it was terrible! I felt like a blow-up doll; he would flip me around in different positions, didn't talk to me, didn't ask about what I wanted. I was so happy to be having sex, I didn't say anything (also, my being assertive previously by asking to have my orgasm first led to his feeling pressured and worsening sexual relations for us - or so I thought - now I know it was the SA that caused our sex life to go south). In addition, I don't have much sexual experience, so didn't know that this was not a normal sex life for a married couple to be having. I truly had no idea. He always was affectionate: pecks on the lips, hugs, holding me at night, but it never led to sex and there were never any passionate kisses outside of sex. So, I thought that I was lucky in a way; all my friends were complaining how their Hs wanted sex all the time and there was no cuddling - I had the opposite.

re: normal FOO - there is nothing traumatic with my SAWH either. Digging deeper, though, his mom is NPD/passive aggressive, father passive and although his parents have been M for 50yrs and everything "looks" good from the outside, there is def some dysfunction there. Also, SAWH compared unfavorably to golden boy older brother, although SAWH ended up way more successful than older brother in the end and now is the golden boy of the family. I am wondering if there is sexual abuse that SAWH has suppressed, as he thinks his FOO is perfect - won't admit anything bad about his controlling mom or passive dad.

hath - not trying to pry, but what do you mean that you are "sexual" with him? I assume oral sex? I haven't read the book "Sexual Anorexia," but from my experience with sexual anorexia, there was NO sex, no passionate kissing, no oral sex, no getting naked together, no sexual innuendo or talk, nothing that could be construed as sexual in any way, shape, or form. I would walk around naked in front of SAWH and I could have been a piece of furniture - SAWH never noticed.

thebighurt - It sounds like you dodged some bullets (gonnorrhea). Glad to hear you are doing well. You are very wise to search for healing for yourself even though you are not M to the SA anymore. As for what you could be doing for you, you can try a COSA group or contact your local CSAT (if you have one) to see if they are running any SA spouse groups. There is more info on the first page of this thread. Sexhelp.com can guide you to a CSAT (which you can also go to for you). I am in an SA spouses group now and we are reading "Facing Heartbreak" by Stefanie Carnes. There are many helpful exercises in the book. There are lots of SA spouse books, such as Deceived by Claudia Black, Mending a Shattered Heart, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse; there are also books for SAs by Patrick Carnes that you could read. Others will come along with more advice, but I hope that helps.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the suggestions, n&n. My IC say's I've dodged more than that bullet. He claims he cannot remember things. She thinks he might be in early stages of dimentia or alzheimer's. And that was before she knew that he's gotten more angry and aggressive and could be in prison now for attacking a man in a parking lot. The man has a heart condition and could have died. Road rage is another of his "specialties".

I'm looking for things for ME and couldn't care less about xpos. He's slut's problem now. In what ways could a CSAT or other of that type professional help me?


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

big - I haven't been to a CSAT for myself, but I know that some of the SA spouses in my group go to a CSAT for themselves. A CSAT knows the SA inside and out, and knows the pain that the partners go through. You could start there and ask for their recommendations on helping you heal.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am late to this discussion but I can so relate to this.
I discovered that the person I used to admire, ME, was really someone fake and phony, who let me down when I needed her most. She didn't stand up for me. She too, lied and deceived ScaredyKat into believing that everything was okay. I always thought SHE was a good person, someone who could be admired and looked up to for her resilience, strength and joy, and SHE was a phony, lying person, too!!!

I don't know who I am! I thought I missed the old me. but now I see that the old me wasn't so great, she was deceitful, not protective of my feelings or of my life, rug sweeping and conflict avoidant. I don't want to be that person, so who DO I want to be? How do I start all over again?

It's actually funny because right before my first dday, I had a period of about 3 months where WH had told me that he loved me but wasn't IN love with me anymore and it was MY fault because I wasn't a real person anymore and he didn't think I even knew who I was. I was the one who was messed up in our M and that he wasn't sure he could stay with me because I didn't treat him in a loving way. REALLY?!?! After dday #1 and even more so after dday #2 when I had all the information we have found out that it was his hiding his SA (he didn't know that's what it was at the time) and my being co-dependent. The problem now is finding myself and like you said ScaredyKat, I don't know who I am and I'm afraid of who I was. I don't want to be HER again. The woman who looked the other way and trusted WAY too much. Yet so much of what I do is for my family that it's hard to find what I want for me. But I am happy to report that WH is supportive of me finding this out. And he's helpful too. When I mentioned I wish I could work out more but we don't have any good equipment at home he suggested I join the gym down the street. So I did! That's huge for me. I never spent money on myself before. I would let things go that I needed so that WH or the kids could use that money for their interests. I thought I was being loving to them, but when WH said it made him lose respect for me...Whoa! I'm still trying to figure it out. It's soooo hard to do this though. Such a difficult dance of learning how to manage this SA/codependent relationship we have. And our insurance is gone for at least 2 months, maybe longer for WH and I so we no longer get IC. It's so expensive out of pocket.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the quick answer -

hath - not trying to pry, but what do you mean that you are "sexual" with him? I assume oral sex? I haven't read the book "Sexual Anorexia," but from my experience with sexual anorexia, there was NO sex, no passionate kissing, no oral sex, no getting naked together, no sexual innuendo or talk, nothing that could be construed as sexual in any way, shape, or form. I would walk around naked in front of SAWH and I could have been a piece of furniture - SAWH never noticed.

OK, good, so my definition of sexual anorexia is the same as the clinical, then. I don't have oral sex with him, but naked time, sensual massage, passionate kissing, making out, stimulation to climax for both. He's very affectionate outside of that too. So I guess kind of like teenage dating without sex, LOL. Basically I am not going to consider intercourse or oral until he can pass a poly and has started level 2 changes in his therapy. I need that to feel safe.

I have things to others I wanted to say but I've run out of time. Later.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@thebighurt..the most important thing to realize is that you have suffered a significant and specialized TRAUMA at the hands of a talented and practiced manipulating expert. That is the very essence of a sex addict. CSATs have specialized knowledge to help you deal with that. These spouses prey on the intimacy bond between the two of you and gradually wear you down. In the book I am currently reading, it is comparable to the bond in sects or cults, but so much more intensified due to the intimacy in a marriage.
COSA and SANON meetings can help you navigate through this mess.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, ScaredyKat. That is exactly what I was looking for. And I can totally relate to what wantreallove has said about knowing who you are and what you want. I'm so glad I am reading this. I wish I had known this long ago. It answers a lot of questions and situations. I had the double-edged sword of xpos being very controlling also, which sounded like THE answer, but not quite all of it. This fills the gaps.

What is the book you are reading, Kat?

There are no meeting groups anywhere near where I am most of the time. I did find a CSAT near where I am now and want to email him to see if I can get any help there. Thanks again!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! Check out the book, The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes. It's not an easy read, but eye opening.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is just coming to my attention that my WH is likely a sex addict as well. The descriptions fit him and he has been changing physical appearance, some relatives who see him regularly say "he looks like an addict, but we don't know what". When I told them what I thought, they were shocked.

In WH's family, it only occurred to me recently to think of the dozen or so siblings who have come "out of the closet" in recent years and kids in the family "switching teams". So in some ways, maybe it should not be a total shock the WH would have a sexual problem, I just would have "helped" more if he told me his real needs.

The hidden porn came out during false R and he confirmed it without even blinking. He hid it since we were teenagers from me and who knows what else.

Last year he started an A with someone willing to do the stuff with him and he is choosing her over our marriage.

I wanted to ask for any advice for the grief and frustration of feeling physically starved. I am also pregnant so some of it could be other things, but there is such aching and grief it consumes me.

Yes, I have a good counselor and L now, but it's so many details I can't seem to put it away.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs, sK. In what way is the book a difficult read? I thought maybe you mean difficult emotionally to face?

@Ashland13,

((((hugs)))) to you. So sorry you are here too. I know how sobering and difficult that realization can be. And during pregnancy must be a particularly difficult time to deal with this. In what way did your WH's physical appearance change?


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My goodness, so much to learn in these last few days of posts.

((((((Hugs)))))) to all!

My husband and I had sex 3x per week for years. When he started to "show" me what he was doing with the porn with skin he didn't want to have sex with me. I would be the one initiating all the time because I didn't know what was going on. This is when I started getting suspicious and found the porn, etc. I sought counseling help at this point. He was abusive and defensive.

The local counselor who is not a CSAT, but well versed in SA deceptions, etcm told me privately he is not compulsive.

He did have a rigid childhood and was seduced by an older woman as a teenage. Weird, I don't think I missed him using porn for 20 years of our marriage. We were so enmeshed, really spent a lot of time together.

He is coming after me now in different ways; right when we are getting into the settlement of our D.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Betrayal Bond is a tough read because it deals with some harsh realities. It also has some soul searching "exercises" that I found to be a bit redundant but useful.

I haven't actually gotten to the part where it helps me heal from the abuse and damage. I have been sick with a virus that wouldn't give up.

Hope all of you are well.

SK


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, March 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope you are all better soon, Kat.

When you get done with the book, please let me know if you think it would help someone like me who has D. I checked for it at the local B&N and would have to order it, so I couldn't view it to give me an idea.

The sexhelp site gave the name of a CSAT almost in my neighborhood! That's the good news. The bad news, I am leaving soon. I'm only here for the winter. I called them. I could get an appt in a month (too late) and then they set up weekly for as long as needed, as little as a month or two! Can it really help that quickly?

I would definitely see him next fall when I get back, at least to see if I think he can help. Funny, a short time ago, I wasn't even aware of them before reading here. I do feel like it applies and hope this could be the answer, thanks to all of you.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
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