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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG - I'll read these today and then let's talk asap. Court is later this week.

We all write here about our fears about SA spouses being around children if we get divorced. But when it comes to reality, there isn't much substantive proof that anything at all will happen to our children.

If my STBX continues to compartmentalize his life, then my children will never be exposed to anything. OW is no longer in his life, so my children will never know she existed. But it's a gamble. Lots of things COULD happen. Or not.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My huge concern for you is that your STBX is into extreme S&M, right? My huge concern for me is that my STBX is into a particular paraphilia involving young young teens.

I don't want either set of our kids to see their father's porn. Regular porn exposure is bad enough. But for our kids to see the specifics of what their dads are into is terrifying. It's perverted & disturbing.

I don't want any of your STBX's partners to be around your kids. I don't want youknowwho of my STBX's partners to be around my kids. And because my STBX's SA involves very young girls, and since he was grooming our girls, I'm uber scared he's going to go after them one day.

I don't want our children around any of their fathers' lifestyles or partners. It disturbs me. It's that one bit of control that kept me with STBX all these years, the fear that if we D'd I'd not be there to protect them. And now we're D'ing and I'm not going to be able to protect them.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 10:03 AM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG))) Sorry. More tomorrow. Too tired to write after today's events.

It's a worthy discussion for all SA spouses. In a court, or in a custody battle, what constitutes a real threat to children?

I haven't found the answer but court is on Thurs.

I don't know.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((choosinghope and NG))) I am so sorry you are both having such a hard time. I can't imagine being where you are. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you both. Keep us updated. Even if we are not D'ing it's still good for us SA spouses to know what we should be looking at if we were to D. Hugs to both of you.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((NG and CH))))))

I dont have any good input, but I completely understand your fears and I think they are completely relevant. Hope the courts can see that. Just wanted to say Im thinking of you and sending good mojo.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

every single Christian person I confided in was damaging to me, giving me the same platitudes & condescending attitudes
Same ol' "the wife must submit" and "it's your responsibility to keep him faithful" nonsense

Yep. And, no matter what the wife does, it's the husband's fault. He "doesn't lead". He doesn't "love his wife as Christ loved the church".

I've heard it all. Somehow, when people get "saved", they abandon all common sense and espouse some of the most rediculous ideas ever thought.

How can one person's behaviour be caused, controlled, or changed by another's?

Sigh! Sad isn't it. Most churches are so ill-equipped to deal with anything that is not 'normal'. I first saw it when the church thought we should be over the major part of our grief when we lost our teenage son to death.

I didn't share any of my journey this time with church members. I knew better. I stopped going to church when I heard a church elder and his wife advise a physically abused wife to submit to her husband.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Choosinghope & NG}}} I don't have any experience with this area either, but CH, I thought your list was very good. The only other thing that popped into my head is that most people are visual -- perhaps you could take a sample of porn from a site that your SA frequented, especially if it was something you actually found. I think a Judge staring at a vile image would help reinforce that, once seen, these images can never be unseen! And that's only one facet of your SA's addiction.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Try to stay composed & matter of fact. You are the parent with their shit together who can love & protect your children.


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
bzkat
♀ Member
Member # 21998
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi does anyone have any success stories? I just found out a month ago. Before that, since 2008 he had me convinced it was just online stuff. No, it was from the beginning. My friends, enemies and whoever he could get while we we dating. After we got married he kissed my cousin and moved on to prostitutes 13 admitted to in 16 years.
He has been faithful since 2008 as far as 8 know and is seeinf a CSAT finally. His major problem has been lying to me about everything he did and TT. I need help figuring this out. Is it possible to "fix" this?


Me: BW 40
Him: WS (Allmessedup) 43
In hell

Posts: 187 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: MI again
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still here, my sisters. Popping in to wish Hope a positive outcome! Sending prayers and good mojo your way, sweetie. You too, NG!!!

Kat, so happy your son is one year sober! My son is still a mess. Love you all and wishing you the best....

Ghost


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bzkat, I don't know what to say as far as success stories go, I'm only about 4 1/2 months out from his last A. As far as figuring it all out and "fixing" it...from what I've been reading a good 12 step program is important as is a good counselor. Many on her believe a CSAT is the only way to go. I have read that with the right help it is possible for your WS to live sober but it is an addiction and it will be present for the rest of their lives. (((bzkat)))


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in a while. I'm still lurking and reading when I get a chance. ((( Hugs))) to everyone who is struggling out there.

Hope - Keeping my fingers crossed that things went your way in court this week.

Kat - great news about your son getting his one year chip.

I read somewhere here a while ago about an online COSA group. Just looking for some more info about it before I sign up. I was looking into it but am leary of signing up because it looked like my email address might be displayed ( which is basically my name) so I am wondering if I should make a different email account to register with. Anybody here belong or have any experience with it?


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notme,

I posted about the Yahoo COSA group. I don't know where the names might show up, but I did make a new email address to go with that membership.

I really found the group to be helpful, as it's hard to get to S-Anon meetings where I live. The COSA meetings are online through a chat room, where you sign in anonymously with a nickname. The group also has telephone meetings which are great because they go faster (due to the shares being done with speaking vs. typing). In both cases, after the meeting, people stick around to chat longer, which is helpful.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*********(((((((((Ghostwalker)))))))))**********

I am so happy to see your name here. Thank you for coming on with all your prayers and mojo. I'm so touched - I am always thinking of you and hoping that you are okay.

My court appearance was sort of a dud. Genius showed up with his greasy long hair, weighing about 50 pounds more than ever. He just looks so creepy. His outside has caught up with his inside. He lied to the judge and told her that he had filed his discovery. She snapped at him and asked if he had it with him. He stammered and said no.

But then she gave him until the end of May to produce it.

Court date is in June. Doesn't seem that negotiations will work. So the psychological evaluations and depositions will begin.

Spouses of SAs - if you do decide to divorce, most of you will not have to deal with all of this. There are two reasons why my divorce is so bad: STBX's earnings have plummeted so we're fighting over debt and CS; and he's so far gone that I worry about overnights. (Okay, and he's NPD, so that's a third reason.)

That's my update. Disappointing. But the most important thing is that he won't get court-appointed overnights with the children until the end of June at the very earliest. And that will be nearly two years since our separation. Judges don't like to change something that's working. So I have my fingers crossed.

It also gives me some time to start trying to look for work. On that front, I just got a tiny freelance project this afternoon. It's a start. Baby steps.

Good luck, spouses. This is one long road of trials dealing with these guys once they hit a certain point.

(((Ghost))) I miss you and worry about you!


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
MonsterBride
Member
Member # 37899
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm watching Shame right now.

I want to cultivate compassion for my husband. I'm trying.

ETA: That was mistake. As I watched the first 20 minutes, I realized that I can't help my husband. It hurts to see how his mind might work, and I had to turn it off. I wish I could do something but there is nothing.

[This message edited by MonsterBride at 9:33 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 39, serial disappointment
Crimes: secret girlfriends, strippers
Status: preparing for divorce

Posts: 86 | Registered: Dec 2012
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I just have to ask...what is Shame? A tv show?


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisters, I need to talk something out.

Background - SAWH, who has been sober for 2 years - works the program, is more invested... basically doing the right things, slowly. He's learning about emotions and how to connect emotively. It's tough, but he's trying. He's recognizing when he has reactions to things that are victim role reactions. You know, the poor me stuff.

Additional Background - His best friend cheated on his wife and then ended up leaving her. Best for her, for sure. However, my husband always said that he didn't support his actions but had to support his friend because he doesn't have many. This friend is a real asshole - he is NPD. He's just really that cold blooded. All of this happened during my husbands affair and well before I found out. We had arguments because I was very vocal about what a cold blooded asshole his friend was and how I would not allow him in our home or near our children. He accepted that part, but blew up at me about how I talk about him because he is his best friend.

So here's where I'm having an issue currently. He does not make friends very well. He's working on that. In his SA meetings, he has met a man who is going to meetings, but has been reluctant to the program and process. That's normal in the beginning. It's been a year now and this guy is the one he's made a connection with well enough to meet up before meetings. The issue I am having is that this guy is still involving himself in EA's while married. I asked my husband if this man's wife knew what was going on and he said he wasn't sure, he didn't think so. He said that this guy is a good guy and he connects with him. I told him straight out that no, this guy was a liar and a cheater. I feel like he's looking at this guy as some sort of "poor soul" he could help. KISA but not with women so it's ok, KWIM? Or possibly making himself feel better when he's with this guy because he is working the program. I don't really know how this is all shaking out - truthfully, I don't care. I know that it annoys me that he's remaining friends with someone who is openly admitting to him that he's cheating on his spouse. That's the catch for me.

It's up to him to pick his friends and work the relationships. That's not my job. I'm not going to tell him he can't be friends with this guy. He's got to pick his own support system. We are going to discuss this.

I really just want some input into this situation. Truthfully, it just makes it even harder with our attempt at R when the friends he chooses are openly cheating.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kicked,
I'm no expert, but I have to say I'm leery of your H connecting with cheaters who are in "recovery." My SAWH surrounded himself with single man-boys as friends. It's the company you keep.

I'm not liking the company your H is keeping. Not. One. Bit.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kicked, is your SAWH this guy's sponsor? If not, then hmmmmm.... I join you in questioning what's going on. I also agree that "it's the company you keep". Birds of a feather & all that. Because I'm healthy I couldn't/wouldn't deliberately remain in a friendship with someone who I knew was actively cheating.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This guy asked him to be his sponsor and SAWH said no. He said he wasn't ready to sponsor. He doesn't hang out with this guy outside of meeting up once in a while for coffee before a meeting or in the post meeting clean up chat time, just to clear up that they aren't hanging out outside of meetings. From what he's said, I also don't think my husband considers this guy in recovery.

What feels true about this situation is that my husband wants this guy to "get it" and get into the program and get into recovery. Then he would be the guy who stood by the guy that didn't look like he would make it, but did. Supporting the underdog if you will.

But I agree. I have issue with the company. I am going to clear out some time tonight to discuss it.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kicked, I have two thoughts on this:

1) Supporting the underdog/being the hero: at best, this seems to highlight some self-esteem issues, or perhaps some more serious things like NPD.

2) I think that any mental health professional would tell you that one of the important things in life - one of the biggest predictors of success and happiness - is the people that you choose to surround yourself with. Just google it and you'll come up with millions of articles and quotes and websites. If your H wants to succeed at beating his problems and fixing his marriage, he will surround himself with others who have been successful at these things. Your H is not strong enough to be fixing another broken person. He needs to be working on himself. Two years of recovery is nothing.

It worries me.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
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