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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by wantreallove at 3:26 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH had his first IC appt at a practice that employs two CSATs - one LPC and one MD. I was under the impression he was going to meet with the LPC CSAT but instead was assigned to a general IC whose specialty is infidelity due to the CSAT's booked schedule. In Sept. I met with the CSAT at that practice and consulted with her about my WH and she thought from what I described that he sounds like an SA. WH's new IC referred him to meet with the MD that has a CSAT to be evaluated for SA and depression. He has an appointment in 3 weeks with the MD CSAT, but will be meeting with his IC in the meantime.

So here's my question/dilema.
I firmly believe that my WH will lie and minimize the things that he's done. I have not been invited to participate in his eval, which my understanding was that generally the BS was involved. I've been to a few S-Anon meetings and the women in those meetings have been involved in the eval at this practice. (This is the only practice in the area that has CSATs) I am seeing an IC at that practice as well and am working on my own raging codependency issues. And yes, I realize that are raging.

So I struggle with trying to pull back on the codependecy behaviors, maintain boundaries, not try to control and mind my own business about his eval and also wanting to write a letter with the real history that I know about and provide it to his IC because I know he will lie/minimize.

So can someone help guide me as to what to do in this situation. I'm really at a loss. I know that I can't control his recovery but I am having such a hard time not wanting to be involved in at least the evaluation to get a honest picture.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to fully surrender your WH to his own recovery. No matter what you offer to his counselors as far as truth or evidence, this is HIS recovery. He's in charge of it. You can say whatever you want. If he doesn't cop to it, if the disclosure doesn't come from within HIM, this will all be a complete waste of time.

My STBX did not come clean to his IC or his SA group. HE minimized, he omitted, he lied. And now that I have a perspective of time, I can see that's okay. He told his truth, even though that truth was an outright lie. HE painted a picture of himself (and me!) which was utterly false. It's okay. This showed who he was. It showed what he was capable of of. It showed what he was NOT capable of. Because I'd detached, because I was 1,000% committed to MYSELF and MY RECOVERY, it just didn't matter what he said. I was going to get better.

I was never in charge of him. I'm only ever in charge of myself.

I contacted his IC two times. One was when I was afraid he was going to kill himself. The other was when I found out that one of the OW was a convicted heroin dealer and he did not seem to understand why that was a big deal.

It is actually very helpful for a counselor to let the patient reveal their problems. The way the problems are revealed is diagnostic in & of itself. The timing, the words used, it's all revealing. You need to not interfere, Issa. You know how with little kids you have to stand back & let them learn to (roll over, sit up, scoot, walk, feed themselves, wipe their bottom, everything else) on their own? Same thing is in play here with your husband.

Stand back. You cannot help him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issa - what NG said. Focus on yourself - get yourself to a CSAT, S-Anon meeting, at least IC, read, exercise, pray - whatever works for you. Forget about what your husband is doing or not doing. Detach.

want - I think you're doing terrific! You are not wrong with telling your doc why you needed STD testing. This is your SAWH's shame, NOT yours. You have no responsibility to protect him from the choices that he made and you have every responsibility to take care of yourself. I am proud of you and the work you are doing. Keep it up - you are doing great! I like how you felt bad, but then had the awareness to realize that you had no reason to feel bad. Again, just wanted to say awesome job!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's my 2 cents, Issah. Totally agree with what they are saying about he has to cop to his own shit, in his way and timeframe, because that is helpful for the therapist. However, I don't think it is a bad thing to still have the release form signed so you can talk to his IC as needed. There are scenarios, like NG stated, where it is good to let them know what's going on. But it will do *you* no good to contribute to his therapy process unless you are asked to do so. Any CSAT worth their salt is going to know most of the SAs are lying sacks of shit in the beginning. They don't need you to figure that out.

BUT... IMHO, sometimes it is good to meet with his IC to make sure SAWH is telling you what the IC really is saying. Like, say your boundary is that he attend IC weekly, 12 step 2x a week for you to consider R and stay in the house, that you are not interested in pursuing R without at least that level of commitment to recovery from him. He can do what he wants, but knows if he doesn't you will reconsider your relationship and explore other options. And he comes back and says, oh no, IC says I only need to come 2x a month and 12 step is not necessary, or he says he's not SA, or whatever. THEN (and again, only IMHO) I think it's ok to meet with his IC or talk to him on the phone to verify what he has said, since you have the release to talk to him about it. This is not to talk about what SAWH does or does not do, or tell the therapist what you want him to do, etc but to verify that the therapist said X like SAWH said he did. Because, again, IMHO, if he is lying to you about his treatment (deliberately or because his warped brain cannot process the truth), especially to get around your boundaries, I feel you are entitled to know so you can make decisions for yourself about your own path and healing.

Want, I agree you not not have to carry his shame. Too damn bad you had to tell others as a part of healing and protecting yourself, that is a consequence of HIS actions, not yours. If he doesn't want people to know what he's doing, then don't do it, fucktard. There is no "privacy" regarding actions of infidelity in a relationship. He has got his head in the sand if he thinks there won't be more consequences to face later, regardless of who you tell or not tell. There will always be more ripples in the pond, and YOU did not make them. HE did.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all, just popping in to say hi. I dont have anything to add but thinking of you all.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
heartbrokennlost
♀ Member
Member # 37500
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here I am at my gynecologist that I've seen since I was 13 years old. I'm sitting here in the parking lot early for my appointment. Approximately six months ago I was here for my six week post op appointment after delivering our son. It makes me sad.

[This message edited by heartbrokennlost at 11:01 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]


Me-44
FWS-41
Son-18mnths
Son-18yrs
Son-22yrs
Son-18
Son-22
Son-17
Son-21

Posts: 87 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: heartbrokennlost
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heartbroken))). Been there - it's so so hard. I told them on the phone first, & the girl on the phone said she'd just been through that. Based on the sheer numbers of this site alone who mention being tested, I can only imagine how staggering the actual numbers are!

You hold your head high. You didn't create the need to be there; you have nothing to be ashamed of! Hugs & prayers that the results are all okay.


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heartbroken))) I had to do this same exact thing about almost the same point as you. My baby was 9 months old and it was so hard. I cried afterwards and felt so awful. It's hard when you visited your doctor so much looking forward to that precious baby and then so humiliating to come back and say "STD panel". But having said that, I'm glad you went! It's so important to do that for us and our health.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pop in here and say that I am so relieved right now. I feel like such a weight is off my shoulders. I had my second IC session and today we talked about my not taking blame for his actions. It's amazing how many times as we talked she said that I was taking blame for this or that. I can't believe how much guilt I have been caring around that wasn't mine. I had guilt towards about 6 of the OW because they didn't know my WH was M. Why? I have no idea but when she asked me why I had guilt or felt bad...I didn't know so I realized I needed to let that go. I just feel so light today and wanted to share with you all. I truly today am feeling the phrase: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it but I can control me! ((hugs)) to all of you


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

want -that's awesome! Thanks for the sunshine today! So glad you are feeling light - enjoy it!

ETA: How's everyone else doing?

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 6:06 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pass along some good news. SAH and I had a CSAT intensive follow-up day on Monday. The follow up was for SAH to take a poly-g and for us to have a check-up on our M and recovery/healing. SAH passed his poly and CSAT was very pleased w/our healing. We have yet to go to traditional MC because SAH is still sorting out the crazy FOO trauma. I am enjoying the calm for the moment.

It is always a bit jolting and triggery to step into CSAT's office because that is where SAH first read his disclosure letter/timeline. I am hoping that the trigger will fade the more I go and hear good things.

SAH is scheduled to get another poly in August. CSAT suggested maybe setting the poly at one year out, but after 20 years of SAH's crap, I am calling the shots and doing what I think I need in order to feel safe. CSAT and SAH were more than okay with my request. SAH is still attending his 2 minimum SAA meetings per week, getting EMDR w/childhood trauma IC, going to men's Bible study and couples study w/me. He is one busy SAH, and I see many positive changes in his attitude, mood, and overall presence in the M.

Our CSAT gave us a copy of his latest book: Stop Sex Addiction by Milton Magness. Magness added lots of partner info/studies that spouses and partners gave him, and I found this book much more partner-friendly than the last one. I even helped participate in his partner research via surveys. Both SAH and I are so glad we have him as our CSAT.

SAH and I have a one-day-at-a-time battle, lots of IC and MC ahead. But so far, so good.

Peace and hugs to all.


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
bytheboard
♀ New Member
Member # 37741
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess this forum is where I need to be. Husband has been diagnosed SA. I am struggling with so many things around this. Mostly that I said I would NEVER tolerate infidelity in any way shape or form. Now I am faced with it coming in the form of a medical diagnosis and the guilt of leaving someone who is sick if I choose to walk away. We have a little baby boy and my three children call him dad. I loved the man that I thought he was... I had no idea what he truly was just under the surface. We have only been together 2 and a half years and it feels like everything I knew was a lie. He is begging for the chance to fix himself and our marriage. He is in SA groups and going to IC. My whole family supports him and wants me to stick it out. I just get sick every time I think of all the ways he betrayed me. Thanks for giving me a place to share.


BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/past partners
4 kids

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bytheboard,

Welcome to a very supportive place, where we all wish none of us were. I read your post in Just Found Out and was going to refer you to this thread. At the beginning of the thread there are references to books that some of us have found helpful. I like, in particular, the newer version of "Mending a Shattered Heart" (Stephanie Carnes) and "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens.

I didn't start to feel better until about 6 to 8 months out, so hang on, things will eventually get better for you. It must be so hard to have an infant and try to deal with this.

Have you found a CSAT for yourself? I found this to be very important. Also, 12 step groups of people who've found themselves in the same situation can be very helpful. I'll never forget the first night I went to S-Anon - I was finally in the presence of people who knew how horrible I was feeling. There's also an online Yahoo group for COSA members, which is great for extra meetings online and via telephone. The thing with the 12-step groups that I found was that they deal with co-addiction, when what I needed first was to deal with the trauma.

Another book I'm trying is called, "Intimate Treason" by Claudia Black. I found a lot of help in the partners portion of "Recovery Nation" online as well.

Hugs to you and your family.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cupcake - congrats to you and your H! Sounds like you are both in a good place right now.

by - welcome to the best group you never wanted to join. So sorry you are here, but you will find some very wise women with very good advice. Post as often as you want; you will find much support and wisdom here.
I wanted to comment on a few things:
-you do not have to feel guilty for leaving him because he has a "medical condition" if he is not respecting your feelings and doing the things you need him to do to build trust and make you feel safe, just as you wouldn't have to feel guilty for leaving him if he had diabetes and was beating you. Abuse is abuse and SA is abusive.
-Is he seeing a CSAT? He needs to see a CSAT rather than a regular IC, because a lying, manipulative SA will snow a regular IC.
-Just because your family supports him and wants you to stick it out does not mean that that is what you have to do. Do what you want to do regardless of what your family thinks - you are the one M to him and you have to live with his actions and deceit, they don't. They don't get to say what you do with your life, you do.

Hugs to you, keep posting.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((bytheboard))))))))

I want to add my voice to those who tell you not to feel guilty if you cannot stay. SA is insidious. It causes trauma to the partners that is beyond the comprehension of most people.

Support groups for you will help you understand that you are not in anyway responsible for his addiction. And that includes his recovery. You must take care of you and of your children.

If you decide to try to stay, you absolutely need the support from others. We here, can help, but you need support from others in real life.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:53 AM, February 9th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
tfkeel
♂ New Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen.

I let church people tell me I had to "forgive" and to live with her just like nothing ever happened.

I was utterly racked with guilt because I had a very faulty understanding of forgiveness, and it kept me bound to someone who hurt me over and over and over again for years.

And that includes his recovery.

Yes. Correct. I let church people convince me of the utter lie that God somehow "needs" me to do HIS work and that He would "use" me to "fix" my wife.

Malarkey.

I really like that analogy about someone having diabetes and beating you.
That is precisely, precisely what this is all about. People who have "medical" conditions still CHOOSE to do what they do. No woman gets off on murder charges because she has PMS and a pistol.

And adultery? God put this in the same list with theft, murder, and perjury. Funny, I don't remember reading any of His words that talks about "SA". I think His basic words for "SA" are "HS".

There is also good reason in not wanting to be married to someone who has such a depraved indifference to your emotional welfare.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 7:05 AM, February 9th (Saturday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everybody. Holding everyone in the LIGHT...

I have been hit with another minor setback. So SAWH has been under the impression since December he would be starting the Recovery Start Kit group in January. Then after he failed the poly, his CSAT referred him to a CSAT who specializes in predator behavior to ensure the kids were not at risk. The results of that would determine if he would go to regular group or if he needed to go to a special predator group instead. He passed that evaluation, much to my relief. Because of scheduling conflicts on the CSAT's part, SAWH met with his CSAT yesterday for the first time since December.

I was expecting him to come home and say he was starting regular recovery group today. Instead he said the CSAT wants to work with him further on his IC , that he's not ready to start group yet until he can pass a poly. I see the reasoning in that, but I have issues.

1)Is SAWH being truthful, or has yet again misinterpreted what CSAT has told him?
2)Why is it different now? Was there something in the written reports from the poly or the special eval that changed his mind? Or was the higher level CSATs of the practice advising him to do something else?

I am disappointed and frustrated. Defeated. And I know I can't do anything about it, but it bothers me tremendously. What ELSE is there that I should know? Ugh.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm., tjkeel, I hear the pain in your post, and you don't have info in your profile. But those of us who are staying with SAs who ARE working a recovery program do see some illumination in the tunnel. And that is OUR choice. We recognize that at some point addicts cease to have a choice in the way they behaved, even if they did initially.

And sometimes we get wrapped up in a kind of co-addiction, causing us to be powerless to change or leave the relationship, at least temporarily, whether that's a result of guilt, or the machinations of the addict or our own FOO issues. We need to get healthy ourselves.

Not easy to do, after years of abuse at the hands of a charming, clever and manipulative SA.

Edited to add, that still doesnt mean they arent fully responsible for their actions, all of them. Addiction isnt an excuse.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 12:18 PM, February 9th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((tfkeel)) and ((bytheboard)) welcome to this group. I haven't been here long but I will say that the wisdom that is shared is amazing and is a ray of light in a very dark tunnel for us. And I also wanted to let you know, tfkeel, that I understand you when you say that there are people in the church who just don't have the right ideas about how to handle SA. My WH opened up to a friend of ours and I thought this would be a great person to help my WH...but it turns out this guy was telling my WH that he shouldn't have told me about all the A's because it's his sin to bear and that it would be "too much" for me to handle. Umm..no I need to know everything. But it's good that we can see what we need.

Cupcakegirl, I added the book to my wishlist but it says it doesn't come out for a few months...is it brand new/not yet released?

((hath)) I don't know what else to say but know you are heard and lots of hugs!

Now for my update. We went on a night getaway that was my WH's idea and it was mostly fun. I had a major trigger when I started packing my stuff since I flashed back to when we went away in September and I could feel something was wrong but didn't know what. But WH handled it well. I had a few moments that were hard on the trip but was happy that we were able to go and spend some time together. He has scheduled more appts with his IC which I was pleasantly surprised by but I am getting frustrated by his lack of moving forward on a 12 step group. I am going to my first S-anon meeting tomorrow evening and I thought he would send the email to get the location for SA but he hasn't yet. I know it's codependent to agonize over this but I am. I told him last night that I was going to go to my meeting and if he wanted me to arrange a sitter for the kids so he could go to his meeting then he needed to tell me, otherwise I was going to assume he would be home to watch the kids. He simply said Ok. He shared a lot from his C and showed me some paperwork he received about incorrect thinking and he said he thought it would be good for me to go to the next meeting so I can hear the C talk about what the addiction is like. (She said I could go and my IC said it would be good for me to go). WH and I have also been talking about the difference between white knuckling and working recovery. How do you know what this looks like? I just want to feel safe again, but I know that I am M to a SA so safe may be a relative term.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

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