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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,
My health insurance covers child psychologists. Not sure if that helps.

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so simple, torn - love it.

"Just be the best you can be every day and that's it."


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. Haven't posted much as we're still status quo. SAWH is on day 63 of his sobriety (& our 90 days of abstinence). He goes to SA group 2x week, & has even led the mtgs a couple of times (seemed really early for that, but what do I know). Meets with CSAT every other Fri now, instead of once a week. He must be doing well.

A couple of weeks ago I was out of town for the weekend, & I sort of figured he might slip (mb) while I was gone. He said one morning he was very tempted, but watched Hitler's Family on History Channel instead. He said that took care of it Free therapy! So I continue to be cautiously optimistic.

My main anxiety at this point is thinking about reaching the end of the 90 day abstinence period. We are affectionate, we snuggle, etc, but I feel nothing sexually at this point! Is this normal? It's like I've just shut down below the waist & I'm terrified that switch won't turn back on. He has reassured me there will be no pressure, we'll just take it day by day, but I don't expect him to have a sexless marriage, so this is weighing heavy on my mind & heart.

Hugs to all, & prayers to those dealing with SA's not in recovery, dealing with divorce & custody fears. I realize my situation could be so much worse


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb, ya know its because there is so much time we spend worrying etc. There is other parts of life besides dealing with someone else's crap.

putonahappyface, I think that is wonderful! While you have feelings that are preventing you from feeling sexual toward your husband right now, you should work through that with the counselor. I read on recoverynation.com and in the books that this is normal from the trauma experienced and the therapist can help develop sexual intimacy again.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been on here for months and months. To be honest, I'm so tired of thinking about, talking about, researching about...etc. etc....infidelity, sex addiction, etc. etc. I made a decision a long time ago that my only logical decision to stay with an SA who is still using, even though I no longer know for sure other than my gut, was because I'm simply too old and too chronically ill to leave. It's easier and cheaper to stay. Hey, no way am I putting his pension, his life insurance, etc. at risk of me not getting. Besides for the most part, we really do enjoy each other's company and he is a good support in so many other ways.

Truth is, and I have never deluded myself into thinking otherwise, I really don't love him like a wife should love her spouse. Truth is I make sure to avoid conflict and controversy just to make life easier for me. Truth is I cater to his 'don't hurt me! don't make me feel guilty! don't confront me about anything' mentality.

But every once in awhile, I lose it. Strangest thing sets it off. Our satellite receiver is on the fritz. We only get a few channels with sound. He loves music. So tonight the only channel he wants is a hiDef channel with a music group from the 80s. Normally, no problem. But truth is something about band music drives me insane. I have an inner ear disorder and I think that has something to do with rock music; especially long drum or guitar solos. So I lost it. I threw the infidelity from 7 years ago in his face. I lost it. Really blew me away. I did beg for forgiveness and I got it, but it's not really. KWIM! Oh well.

I just thought I would share this for those here that might be in the same general situation. I will let this go and go to bed tonight without angst and certainly will have none tomorrow. Which is so different from before DD. But it's interesting to realize that it's still there; bubbling beneath the surface and at some point, the veneer cracks and what's real comes out.

Hmmm!!

Before I hit submit, please excuse the spelling and grammar errors. I had to type this and just post without worrying about my image as a Master's trained individual.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all who share on this thread. It is so helpful to see where you are all at emotionally and physically in your relationships.

I just started reading Mending a Shattered Heart last night and feel like I can barely put it down. It feels like the author followed me around to write it! We have no formal diagnosis of SA for my WH but really I believe it is only a matter of time.

What was it like for you all at the beginning of this when you first found out that your WS was a SA? How soon after finding out about the infidelity did it happen? Who diagnosed it? What are some of the missteps you wish you could have done differently? Right now 2 things are a huge struggle for me.

1. The idea that I put too much focus into my WH's recovery but yet I truly want to help him. I actually looked up 12 step program meetings for him but am not sure if I should give them to him or if he should decide to do the research and decide to go on his own...(Meanwhile I also looked up some for me and am thinking about attending. Anyone do this?)

2. The whole CSAT vs IC. He has set up to go on tuesday and I feel so confused about if I should ask him to pick a CSAT or not. I asked for advice and you all were wonderful in responding but I don't know if my WH would consider changing until he's checked and seen if this C seems ok. If this C would be good for him then I am happy with this one. It's closer to us and it's about to start.

Oh so many confusing thoughts. I am starting to try to "allow" myself to feel my feelings but it's so hard. Hugs to all SA Spouses I know you all must surely need it as this is really really hard


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((1Forward1Back))))))))))

I can relate to your post in many ways. I bottle the anger, too, and it just explodes. Sometimes the triggers are in your face, sometimes they are just, well, band music.

I get the idea of staying for the "wrong" reasons. My SAfWH IS working on his own recovery , and peddling like the devil to try to repair the damage he did to me. Of course, he can't.

And I surely don't want to hear one more excuse about addiction, Bipolar or FOO issues. I get that they exist, and are real, but I am sick and tired of hearing about it. I had issues, too and didn't run around trying to screw whoever had the proper apendages, nor did I stare at a computer screen with disgusting images of perverted sex for days upon days.

But I do hope you can begin to find things for YOU. Be selfish. Spend some of that pension money on YOUR hobbies interests and pleasures. YOU DESERVE IT. As do I.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2927 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, scaredyKat. It's comforting to know one is not alone in these struggles. I really should post more often.

Honestly, I am selfish when it comes to ME and me time. I do what I like to do. I love reading and I lose myself in my Kindle as much as possible. It's just that we've settled into this routine where we watch TV together every night before, during and after supper. We have our programs that we have agreed upon and we really do enjoy that time. But honestly, the fragility of that agreement sure is tested when your satellite receiver is on the fritz and you are limited to 6 to 8 channels!! Our new satellite company is coming in on Tuesday to set up our new system, so we'll be able to go back to our routine, as superficial and fragile as it is. But hey it works!!

My SAH does everything else he has to do to sustain harmony. But I've long ago given up on him ever seeking the help he needs to gain and maintain any sobriety of any sort. I know he hates it as much as I do; he's a tortured soul. But as you know, it's not enough and all the other wonderful things he does will not make up for it. But it is what it is. I cannot do a single thing to change him; I can only control me and make the changes I need to survive.

Again, thanks again for the reply. It means a lot.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all and hugs to all spouses of SA.

I've read all the posts here since my last one on 2nd January. I can relate to so many of them.

My divorce is in progress but for logistical reasons my husband currently still lives in the house (in the office the size of a postage stamp, ha ha ha). How I have done what I have done, I know I will look back and wonder, but he will be moving out mid March and I am counting the days. The positive side of this is, my children know he is moving out but they are having a kind of gradual adaption phase as he currently stays away during the week and and is home at weekends.

Last weekend he went to Germany to meet someone from a website. He'd met someone else the lunchtime he flew out there, and he's been with so many women since we decided to D, it's totally confirmed both my SA and NPD suspicions. But I was talking about the children, and last week on Friday he texted me "I'm really missing the children". So he comes home Friday night, and is in the house a couple of hours before he goes out to visit a 29 year old woman (he's seen her before but she's neither of the ones from the previous weekend), stays over, and he did the same on Saturday. He is also in regular text contact with a 23 year old girl, who thankfully he has not had sex with YET. I say yet because I can see it happening in the future, and I just hope it's after he's out of the house because that makes me feel sick, just thinking about it. He's 40 for gods sake.

I'm at the point now where I feel relieved when he's not in the house because I sleep better, everyone is more calm, and the funny thing is the children don't even ask where he is. He's been such a hands-off dad it's like they don't even miss him because he never did that much anyway, especially the younger two.

For others with children, I've heard it hits the children much harder if they are 12+ years old and parents split, so I am just glad my children are still young. I didn't want them to grow up watching such a disfunctional relationship with a deeply unhappy pair of adults.

So my SA STBXH, due to my insane ability to act, now thinks I am his new best friend. And he tells me everything, and I mean the details of everything he is doing There is nothing like realising you have definitely made the right decision over and over again and having it running through the core of you like a stick of rock. I have NEVER felt so positive about the future as I do now. NEVER. I feel like I have been set free, and can't wait for my divorce to be final (mid feb) and the day he moves out... well there will be champagne. That will most likely be 16th March.

And guess what? After being with someone for so long who deprived me of affection and didn't want to admit he was a SA, I have made a new friend. He's like the male version of me, at the same stage in the divorce process as me, and he's making me feel so different, talking to me like a person should, showing respect, and we have walked a lot, arm in arm, putting the world to rights. He has told me he thinks I am "lovely" and "beautiful" and he's basically making me feel alive again. (By the way I'm under no illusion I am ready for a full on relationship, and neither is he, but we are both enjoying this for what it is, just a nice friendship. For now.)

It's funny now, coming to this thread and reading more from the outside. I read some posts and want to scream because I can hear my own uncertainties coming through in other people. I was in denial for so long because my husband made everything my fault for so long I got to believe it in the end. But I'm out of that situation now and I know it was not.

If anyone gets anything from this post at all, I will be glad I visited today.

Thinking of all of you,

Red xx


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wantreal,

As you know, my SAWH & I are near the beginning of this recovery journey too. I finally started reading Mending a Shattered Heart over the weekend. I can tell it's going to be good.

Our DD was 2 1/2 yrs ago (2 affairs), & then the porn addiction came out this past Nov. I had specifically asked if he had a porn problem, & he denied it. He claims it wasn't a problem until he got an iPhone & could take it into bathroom stall at work. Not sure what I could have done differently, as I didn't know there was a place to check website data (different than history) until someone on SI mentioned it in Nov. I was just too naive & trustful.

He has done most of the work in terms of finding a 12 step group (he loves this & it's probably been the most helpful to him so far), finding IC, etc. When he commented that he didn't feel the IC was the right choice, I stepped in to help with research & found a CSAT. We only have one in our area (& he's only here 1 day a week, & sometimes cancels that!). It's tricky finding that balance of involvement, without sliding into co-dep. Working on that.

And to answer your 2nd question re: CSAT vs. reg IC, my H came home from his first appt. blown away by the difference. This guy was trained by Patrick Carnes. He's expensive ($150 per session & doesn't take insurance or credit cards), but it's worth it to get the proper treatment. My H is currently working on the Out of the Shadows workbook.

His recovery is going well. I'm struggling a bit with feeling so left out of the process. After dday we talked & talked, but with this SA thing he has his group & his CSAT, & much of it is "anonymous" & meant to be private. I think this is where a group for me/us would be helpful, & I intend to start going soon. IC just didn't do anything, & there's no CSAT for me, unless I talk to same guy. Too expensive for that!

Hang in there! There's no easy roadmap for this. I think we have to let go of their recovery & focus on our own healing. Tough stuff for Moms who've always put others first...

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 9:08 AM, January 21st (Monday)]


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CallMeRed)))
Thank you for posting - I loved reading your story and how well you're doing!

I feel that same sense of relief every night knowing that there is no liar in my home.

I'm glad you're doing so well and took the time to come back here and inspire others. You escaped the madness - you should be proud. And your post made me smile.

-Hope


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
heartbrokennlost
♀ Member
Member # 37500
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just started reading Mending a Shattered Heart. It seems helpful but so far really doesn't address when your sawh is in denial.


Me-44
FWS-41
Son-18mnths
Son-18yrs
Son-22yrs
Son-18
Son-22
Son-17
Son-21

Posts: 87 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: heartbrokennlost
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so confused and lost.
My WS was with at least 6 hookers between late May and July of last year. He had a previous history of porn, a lot of it, and early in the marriage phone sex and cyber sex..he is obviously suffering from SA.He is going to therapy, reading everything he can find, is doing all he can to try and fix himself and this wreck of a marriage. My problem is one day I am in this R 100%, trying to accept maybe it was due to something he couldn't quite control, then days like today the reality of what he has done sinks in and I am wondering what fucking idiot stays with someone who screwed that many whores and in such a short amount of time? I have never had anything hurt like this or be this confusing..any advice is welcome.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ladies!
put - so glad that you are doing well. I don't have any experience with reconnecting sexually after the 90 day abstinence period, but I would say to take it slow and try not to feel pressured; don't do anything you are not comfortable with. So, if that means not doing anything but crying the first few times you try, that is what you do. As far as your "switch" getting turned back on, as your H continues with his recovery and builds trust with you, I suspect it will return. Also, definitely find a group for you! I go to an SA spouse group through my SAWH's CSAT's office, but you can also look for S-Anon, etc. (sorry, don't know all the terminology, but it is in the first page of this thread) group.

1 - I can relate to what you are saying re: having a life with an SA not in recovery, knowing it for what it is, having a peaceful existence and staying for your own reasons. Thanks for sharing your story.

want - in answer to your questions:
-what was it like when I first found out? surreal, and I still gaslight myself sometimes into believing that he isn't (because he continues to tell me this).
How soon after finding out about the infidelity did it happen? about 6 months. People on SI had mentioned it to me, but I was just looking back at my old posts and I actually wrote things like, "I don't really think the porn is a problem, but I could be wrong." How very wrong I was....
Who diagnosed it? I did, because the test SAWH took at the CSAT's office came back "invalid" because he was too defensive with his answers. But, I did ask the CSAT and he said that he can't formally diagnose my SAWH without a test, but he feels that WH is an SA.
Missteps? I'm sure there are many, but I am learning that this is my process and I will go through it as I choose to and in my own time.
As for your struggles: read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It opened my eyes so wide to what codependency is and it will help you to see what is healthy for you to do and what is not. (Looking up 12 step groups for your WH is not healthy for you. Your WH has to own his process and recovery without a shred of help from you. Your job is to focus on yourself.) Yes to going to meetings for yourself - that is exactly what "working on yourself" means. I'm not sure what kind of groups you are thinking of attending, but an S-Anon/SA spouse group would be great if that is available. (look on the first page of this thread for more info.)
CSAT
CSAT
CSAT
CSAT
CSAT
CSAT
and again:
CSAT
We had to travel over an hour to see our CSAT and it was well worth it to get the specialized treatment. CSATs are the only ones who know this disease inside and out, the only ones who won't get "snowed" by a lying, manipulative SA, the only one who can show your WH the way to true recovery. I would consider asking for a 2 or 3 hour appointment with your CSAT if possible to maximize the visit:travel time. Ours was able to accomodate this.

1 - I can TOTALLY relate to the last paragraph in your second post on this page: SAWH doing all he can to maintain harmony, not going to get into recovery, being a tortured soul and all his niceness in the world not making up for being an active SA.

Red - LOVED your post; thank you so much for posting!!! I'm so happy for you - it's got to feel so good that you know DEEP DOWN that you are absolutely making the right decision. Your situation sounds crazy now; what a gift he is giving to you to be carrying on like he is. And bravo to you for your insane acting skills! How are you dealing with visitation/custody with him acting out like he is now? How do you feel about the kids being alone with him (and OWs)? Also, so happy for you and your friend you have found.

Choosing -

heartbroken - thanks for posting. All you can do if your SAWH is in denial (as mine is as well) is to work on yourself and prepare to get yourself out of the relationship. Hugs to you and please post as much as you want, any questions you want. This is a hellish journey.

Hugs to all SA spouses.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH had his first IC session last night. I was so torn up over if I should attend or not. I'm not sure what exactly I was feeling. Partly wanting to make sure he told the truth about why he was going to C and partly to protect myself that he went and I guess also to hear him admit it to another person. I find that I can hardly believe that I am here and this is my life. He said it didn't take but about 10 minutes before the IC was saying 12 step programs. In some way it validates what I've been reading about and in other ways it scares me to death! It doesn't sound like there was any formal "test" but he said she referred to him as an SA with compulsive issues. Whatever that means. I can't believe I'm married to an addict. I'm glad to see that he's getting help because that is ever so important.

I looked into some 12 step programs for me but none are very close. Maybe my IC will have some ideas when I go see her in 2 weeks.

WH and I talked about some of the things I've heard about on here, like the 60 or 90 day abstinence period. He said that he didn't think he could go that long without something and that it's only because of me being so open that he doesn't feel tempted right now. That scares me too! How did it go over with you all? Who suggested it?

I realize that I am not doing well with this and am so scared and because of that I am being so selfish on this board. I truly love that I can come here and you all are here to vent to and to ask questions and to read what you all are going through. I am so sorry about being so selfish.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wantreallove,

A CSAT really is necessary. I am sure the IC that your WH is seeing has good intentions, but this is way over their heads.

WH and I talked about some of the things I've heard about on here, like the 60 or 90 day abstinence period. He said that he didn't think he could go that long without something and that it's only because of me being so open that he doesn't feel tempted right now. That scares me too! How did it go over with you all? Who suggested it?

The 90 day abstinence period is something the CSAT assists with. That 90 days is very important to clear the mind of sexual thoughts completely and to start rewiring the brain. The addict actually goes through a withdrawal.

If he feels that he needs to be sexual with you, it is false intimacy and acting out with you as an object rather than an intimate partner. It takes YEARS to redevelop a real intimate relationship. Years of hard work and recovery. It sounds like he is white-knuckling right now (which is common when an addict is not in recovery). Without a CSAT and 12 step group his chances of obtaining a real recovery are minimal at best.

As for S-Anon for you, it may be best to contact the organization and see if there are closer meetings that are unlisted. Not all meetings are listed on their website. Having IRL support from people who have BTDT is invaluable.

I really would not budge on finding a CSAT. I realize that they are expensive and not always convenient, but if your WH is truly interested in recovery, it is a must. It will further recovery and healing for both of you to see a CSAT and participate in a 12 step fellowship. The time and money spent are cheaper and easier than divorce at this point, and if he does not enter a real recovery, it will aid in your healing, which right now needs to be your top priority.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tiredofthepain,

Welcome. I hope your WH is seeing a CSAT and participating in a 12 step group.

First off

he is obviously suffering from SA

While SA is an addiction that is rooted in FOO issues (typically abuse), the addict does still make a choice to continue on in their addiction. I really dislike the idea of them suffering. Yes, the addiction is terrible for them, too, but they can choose to address it. While my H was definitely victimized in childhood, he then chose to victimize others through his acting out. I have some degree of sympathy for the terrible things that happened to him as a child, but I also have disgust for the things he did. There is a dichotomy there.

My question for you, is what are you doing for YOU? CSAT? S-Anon? Taking time for self-care? Right now you need to put your healing first. Then you can make decisions on whether you really even want to R with him, and he will have time to work on his healing, too. It takes a lot of consistent hard work for a SA to really change.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

putonahappyface,

I would like to address the sexual intimacy question...

My main anxiety at this point is thinking about reaching the end of the 90 day abstinence period. We are affectionate, we snuggle, etc, but I feel nothing sexually at this point! Is this normal? It's like I've just shut down below the waist & I'm terrified that switch won't turn back on. He has reassured me there will be no pressure, we'll just take it day by day, but I don't expect him to have a sexless marriage, so this is weighing heavy on my mind & heart.

It is going to take a LONG time into recovery to develop a sexually intimate relationship. I think putting pressure on yourself (and him) to enter into a sexual relationship at the end of the 90 day abstinence period is a mistake.

My H is 3+ years into recovery. I would say that it took over 1.5 years to really begin to develop an intimate relationship. My H had a lot of things he needed to overcome in his therapy with his CSAT, and it was important not to rush this. Now, 3+ years out I can say that we have a very intimate sexual relationship. Frequency wise we only average 3-5 times a month, but part of that is scheduling issues, and the other part is that if we do not have the time or energy to make it emotionally intimate, it doesn't happen. I know that sounds complicated. Hope that helps.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who don't have S-Anon groups near you, or those who want to supplement what you do have, I recommend the online Yahoo COSA group. Once you sign up for the yahoo group, you'll get instructions for attending online meetings. There are several per week. While the pace is slower than a face-to-face meeting, due to typing speeds of the "shares" of information, I find the meetings useful. After the meetings, some members hang around and chat in the online room, and this can be even more helpful for questions/feedback/support. This group also has phone meetings, which I found to be very strong, almost as much as a face-to-face meeting. The sound quality is excellent. Hearing the shares outloud is very moving, and the pace is similar to that of a f2f meeting.

Beyond that, I find Al-Anon meetings to be helpful, as well as open AA meetings, when I am just struggling with my own reactions to the chaos in my life. Al-anon helps me learn how to approach life in a more healthy fashion. You don't have to share and you don't have to admit it's something other than alcohol you are dealing with. In my meetings, some are children of alcoholics, and they have no current alcoholic in their life, but they need help keeping up with their coping skills. Some are dealing with drug addictions in their family, and not alcohol. As I said, you don't have to share. Some of the members I've met said they didn't share for months, but sat and cried instead!! The meetings helped them even without sharing.

As for the trauma itself, finding a support group for partners of the sex addicts would be very helpful. I hope there will be more of these in the future.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
wantreallove
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Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomanyyears, Thank you for your response! It is so nice to know there are others out there who want to help me through this. What exactly is white knuckling? What are the symptoms?

Compartmented, Thanks for the group info for yahoo! I just signed up.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
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