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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in with you ladies. How is everyone doing?

Hathnofury - I didn't think it was harsh. Just realistic.

Toomanyyears - Ugh, if it were just that easy to leave. If I didn't have any children, it would be much easier. We have been together for a very, long time.

Lastin - How are things going today?

Well, I have decided that we are going to do 90 days of celibacy. Things have to start over and they need to be real. Realized this weekend that he has had multiple little slips over the last few months. Nothing major but sending a private message of happy birthday to someone. A public happy birthday to someone he wasn't supposed to have any contact with. (These were on FB). Not telling me that he had been contacted by someone on Linkedin, even though he didn't accept their request. Just all of these little things that show bad boundaries and not being transparent. If we are going to stay married, he has to work much, much harder. He has agreed to make a lot of changes and we'll just see what happens.

Oh, and the cherry on the Sundae, I am pretty sure he has given me herpes. I think it happened the first time a couple of years ago and just happened again this week. Hopefully, for him, it is HSV1 and not HSV2. He has always had HSV1 and could have easily given it to me. Have to get a blood test and find out which one it is. This has been a hell week.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma,

Thanks for checking in on me... I'm not doing that great today. I'm really depressed and lost.

I went through his phone today and went to he email and clicked compose. I slowly went through the alphabet and discovered about 15 email addresses that were clearly from CL. Wildone 714, phatbooty, swingers08... It made me sick. I don't know when they are from but it was still hard. He got the phone about 3 weeks before he answered the fake ad I place, so they may be from before. Deep down, I'm hoping they are more recent, like that'll be my excuse to leave again and be gone for good.

I really don't know why I'm struggling so much with this. I mean he had had sex with countless women while we were married and I can leave now and have every right to. What the heck is holding me back?!? Its not like he is going out of his way to treat me like a princess and keep me around...


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, lastin - (((hugs))). You don't need to beat yourself up. You are in your own kind of fog. If he isn't going to show you remorse and treat you well, there isn't much motivation to stay. Just try and take care of yourself. Sleep if you can, exercise, eat well and get out to distract yourself. Just try and do whatever you can to feel better. You need to do what is best for you.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N&N thanks for worrying about me My "drugs" are St John's Wort and a very low dose ativan to stave off the frequent night terrors. I don't even take that every night. I have such a paranoia about drug abuse, I rarely take anything stronger...but this anger and the nightmares are wearing me down.

I have to jump in on the 3% vs 93% discussion. Please understand that all of this is only my opinion based on TOO much personal experience, thinking, reading and talking with other spouses and therapists.

I think the number issue is meaningless. Every addict is different. I have 4 addicts in my immediate family, my brother has been clean from heroin for MANY years, my son clean from alcohol since February, my SAWH since '09, my mother died an active alcoholic. My SAfWH's mother was an active alcoholic and stopped cold turkey when she was diagnosed with diabetes. Never drank again. There are a large number of SAs in our couples group with years of sobriety, as well as some we see once and never again, new spouses whose SAWH aren't close to recovery, etc.

Now, as I've said before, despite having young kids who needed their dad, if I knew in 2000 what was really up, I would have left. As a matter of fact, I was going to present him with an ultimatum at that point; stop treating me like dirt or I am gone. Unfortunately, his mother became very ill, eventually dying, he was a mess, and I felt I needed to be there for him. Again in 2002, if I knew what was going on, if I LET myself know, I would have been out the door. He says that had I left him, he would have gone crazy out of control and probably would be dead. I believe that.

But I didn't leave. And I am not leaving now. Together we have a comfortable income, can afford to travel and live well, not lavishly, but live in the manner I have saved for and planned for my entire life. Our assets and income would be split about 50/50. Now, when we go out with friends I can be part of a couple, not the third, fifth, seventh or ninth wheel. I simply will not give all that up, despite the fact that I will never know, for sure, if he is with me because of guilt and obligation or because he loves me. I can NEVER know that.

Of course, I can never be sure he won't act out again. But, think about it. Knowing what we all know, if I started over with some new 60 year old guy, would I ever know for sure that HE wouldn't cheat, be a drug addict, a pedophile, a closet Nazi or a nose picker?

Currently, SAfWH is working to repair us. Of course he only works on it when I prod, and I no longer prod nicely. That sucks, but there's no more Mrs. Nice SK. I don't like the angry me. I hate that I still harbor feelings of hatred toward his main fu&Kbuddy whore. I am completely and overwhelmingly sad and enraged that he claimed ED issues and wasted my entire sexual life, and that I can never feel comfortable having sex again, because he made it so clear, frequently that I was inadequate and undesirable. He was very convincing.

If I were 20 years younger, I'd start again. Without a doubt. But even doing that, it would be so hard to learn to trust. Ever.

I wish all of you well in whatever choices you make. I will not presume to give any of you advice on what to do, because I am not you. (except in cases like *34* or others of my sisters who are clearly being blatantly abused) I think I am hear to support you in your choices, to listen, to respond, and to send as many virtual hugs as I can.

Holding you all in the ***********LIGHT************

((((((((GHOST)))))))))
(((((((((SA)))))))))))
Wish you were here...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredyKat,

I'm curious, after your SAWH was caught or came clean was he in recovery right away? Was he remorseful right away? How was he towards you? I'm honestly trying to figure out what is keeping my in my current situation as we don't have kinds and I'm only 31.

When I confronted him about an email that I saw, he wasn't very apologetic. The email was clearly an ad/spam, but it also said I'm responding to your email from Tuesday. So, that of course had me thinking that he responding to this ad not knowing it was spam. I guess I was expecting I'm sorry you even think I would do that again.. Instead, these were a few of the responses I got..

No, I didn't do it..I can't stand this.

You're content at just letting us wither away.

I don't blame this on you, but I think we were doomed to fail.

I wish I could've been who u needed me to be.

He knows I'm very sad and in a dark place right now and I'm not getting any confront from him. I don't even know what that feels like.. That's why I am asking what it was like for you.

Thank you


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK,

I understand the idea of being comfortable in a relationship, having a companion, and enjoying the financial benefits. I enjoy that part of staying married, too. And as in your family, the damage has already been done to my kids.

Currently, SAfWH is working to repair us. Of course he only works on it when I prod, and I no longer prod nicely. That sucks, but there's no more Mrs. Nice SK. I don't like the angry me. I hate that I still harbor feelings of hatred toward his main fu&Kbuddy whore. I am completely and overwhelmingly sad and enraged that he claimed ED issues and wasted my entire sexual life, and that I can never feel comfortable having sex again, because he made it so clear, frequently that I was inadequate and undesirable. He was very convincing.

and

but this anger and the nightmares are wearing me down.

These statements are not compatible though with the idea of enjoying the companionship and partnership of marriage.

If you have decided to live with him for the remainder of your life in a platonic relationship, that is ok, and is a valid choice. But if that is what you desire, then you need to let go of the anger and resentment and accept the situation for what it is. This anger is only eating away at YOU and harming YOU. It isn't harming him (although it may affect him) and it certainly isn't harming any prior OW's.

You had a tag line awhile ago that read something to the affect that "I'm mad as hell and there isn't a thing I can do about it." You are a smart enough woman to know that isn't true. I am a person that can hold onto anger and grudges like nobody's business. However, in the last 3 years I have started to learn to let go, and it has freed me greatly. I really do have a lot of peace in my life. People I have worked with for years have noticed the change in the last few years. It has translated to all areas of my life, not just my marriage. All of that anger and resentment that I had built up for years in my marriage was oozing out at work and in my personal relationships. I couldn't keep it contained. Most of that is gone now, and I never want to be that person again.

As for your SA working on marriage issues, if he isn't interested 100%, all the poking and prodding isn't going to produce any lasting change. He has to want that for himself. If you do not want to accept a status quo marriage, that is ok and your choice, too. Just as with his acting out, you are not responsible for his behavior, and you can't control it. Prodding him is just another way of trying to control the situation, i.e. codependently trying to "fix" the situation.

I struggled with all of the feelings of inadequacy, of being unattractive, etc., as well. We did not have a "normal" sex life for most of our marriage, even though I desperately wanted it. I felt as thought it was my fault, too. However, in the last 2 years, my H has really worked on this with his CSAT, and we are building intimacy. We may never have the sort of sex life that other people do, but that is ok. I feel more loved and desired than I have felt for most of my life. I do believe it is possible to reclaim that, but only if both of you are doing the work on becoming more intimate and sharing your emotions, because in the end SA is not about the sex, but about the intimacy avoidance.

I wish you peace on your journey. I have a long way to go, but I am sorry to see you hurting and so angry even 3+ years out. Take care of yourself and keep working on things.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey y'all. I hope all in the US had a good thanksgiving with family and good food, I hope it was a peaceful time.

H and I talked quite a while on Skype. My anger was clear to him. It ha grown increasingly over the past few weeks as my professional life starts to ease a bit and enables me to really look at what our life is now.

I am a person with a lot of emotions, and I tend to wear them on my sleeve. It's especially obvious to him that I am more and more upset. I feel unsafe. I absolutely do not trust him. He feels insecure as well. I am having a harder and harder time seeing a positive way through this.

Another massive issue is the holidays are already hard for me and I had no idea it would be like this. This is my favorite time of year and I hate that it can't be filled with joy and bonding with family and friends. Ill still spend quality time with family and fun with friends, but there is a gray cast of sorrow over it all. I am mourning, it seems, for the life I thought I had.

My CSAT says I am still in acceptance and anger stages. He is very right. Just gotta keep plodding through.

The upshot is my health is pretty darn good. Sleep was going well for a while and I've had more trouble recently, but I'm determined to keep the insomnia in control this time around. I credit working out with much stress relief and keeping me eating and strong and healthy. I just feel bad for the poor gym equipment I beat up

Hugs ladies and happy Monday to you all.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I was catching up last night, & all the "percentage" posts about had me in a complete panic. I was feeling pretty optimistic about our chances, but now I wonder if I'm fooling myself. I found out a week & half ago that H has a problem with porn & compulsive masturbation. He feels as if the porn usage is what led to the affairs 3 yrs ago.

He immediately, upon my discovery, confessed to all of it & went straight to IC & found a 12 step program. I've never seen him so determined to beat something. He's been to every mtg, is reading books, open to all conversation/questions. He's like a changed person. Says it feels like chains have been removed from his neck.

I pray he can do this, as I know he loves me & we have such a great life. He's been a great husband & father. Am I crazy to think we can make it? I don't want to split our family apart!

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 11:48 AM, November 26th (Monday)]


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, here's my take on the stats. I don't take much stock in any stats for anything, because it varies so much on the sample, how the data was collected, what the questions were, etc. They are at best a tool at identifying possible trends.

BUT, what I know about the Carnes camp, is that they say they have identified certain milestons/behaviors/habits etc (somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 of them) that increase the chance of success. The more of these items you tick off the list, the better the chance of recovery. So naturally if you hit all 40 of them you have a 93% or whatever chance of making it. To me, duh, that's like saying somebody that spends 3 hours a week in 12 step and therapy has a much better chance than someone who only goes to IC every other week. It ain't rocket science, LOL. And like SK said, so highly contingent on the individual and what resources they have access to.

What I haven't found, is that magic list of 40 or whatever things. I suspect it is probably in the literature/books/training materials for the CSATs, not the stuff we read. Because after a year of therapy, I totally understand bringing up these things in a certain order when you are ready to do them. They aren't as effective if you know the whole story beforehand, because among other things you tend to think you can skip ahead without doing it right. Kind of like how SI says, go to IC and fix your issues individually, THEN you can do MC successfully.

I can say I am sure the Carnes camp never meant to imply ALL SAs have a 93% chance of recovery. Many don't even have access to SA-specific 12 step and CSATs, so they would never speculate that demographic would ever have that kind of success rate. NO statistic from any source can ever be a blanket statement for all SAs.

What it comes down to is what the issues of the SA are, have they accepted their diagnosis and pursuing treatment to the fullest of their ability, are they being completely honest with everyone involved about the history and issues they have, what treatment options are available to them, what their recovery track record has been, have they hit bottom or passed the point of no return, are there other mental illnesses in play, etc. So if you are looking for a magic number to tell you what a SA's chances are, there isn't one. The only thing that's guaranteed is it is NOT 100%.

And that ladies, sucks. But such is life. No guarantees. It is what you make of it, within the realm of your control.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In other news, I think I may have hit a significant milestone. Here I was, typing up all this stuff about my take on statistics, etc. and I JUST NOW remember that SAWH is taking his polygraph today, right now. I totally forgot all about it all day long. I think that says volumes about my progress.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In other news, I think I may have hit a significant milestone. Here I was, typing up all this stuff about my take on statistics, etc. and I JUST NOW remember that SAWH is taking his polygraph today, right now. I totally forgot all about it all day long. I think that says volumes about my progress.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In other news, I think I may have hit a significant milestone. Here I was, typing up all this stuff about my take on statistics, etc. and I JUST NOW remember that SAWH is taking his polygraph today, right now. I totally forgot all about it all day long. I think that says volumes about my progress.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats, HNF! That really is a milestone; I would have lain awake half the night stressing over that. And thanks for your take on the stats. I know there are so many variables - I guess time will tell...

I feel like I'm living someone else's life


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another point about the stats.... and yeah Im probably a cynical person...

Carnes is a person who makes his living (or part of it at least) by offering "hope" for recovery. Im not saying he is just in it for the money. Even if he genuinely just wants to help people there is little good in telling the very people you want to help that theres a significant (95%?!?!!) chance you wont be successful! It seems obvious to me that he would want the stats to bias on the side of recovery.

Just my two cents.

I think there are too many factors to give a stat. Also... (cynical warning again) one could be sober for years and years and then... not be. Couldnt one only be considered fully successful only once they die? And even then, nobody truly knows their story except them.

Sorry, I rambled a bit there at the end.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And hath, Im thinking of you today! Hoping for the best outcome!


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath no fury - Good luck on the polygraph!

AFM, feeling kind of down and blah today. Thankfully we have MC with a CSAT tomorrow. SAWH is going to ask for a referral to a new therapist. All of the lying has just worn me down and it is going to take a lot of changes for me to feel safe in this relationship. Trying to focus on school, good news was that I got a high A on my test.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for the A, MM!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat - glad to hear your "drugs" aren't too intense... I just wanted to check in case we were missing something - you sounded pretty down in your post.

Missy - congrats on your test score! Awesome!

Thanks for all who contributed to the "5% vs. 93%" - helpful info and nice to hear everyone's personal take on it.

I have a ton to post, but I have so much going on, I don't know where to start - my head is spinning. Nothing major, but many small and medium things.

My D-day is coming up, so I am having triggers that haven't come up in months seemingly pop up out of the blue.

I have first meeting with WH and CSAT this week (we each have seen him separately once) and I'm hoping to get some clarity on where WH is at during that meeting.

We saw the Nutcracker last night and for a good part of it, all I could think of was what is WH thinking when the ballerinas spread their legs. So the Nutcracker is ruined for me now too.

I am not into Christmas this year: don't want to buy gifts, do Christmas cards, go to parties, etc.

Much more going on, but I will post more later when my head feels more clear. I was telling my IC about my FOO today and i feel like I should be on Jerry springer. I am almost done with "Dance of Intimacy" (great book) and it talks about healing FOO, which I do not have the energy for now.

ETA: hath, AMAZING that you totally forgot about polygraph! You are my hero!

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 8:17 PM, November 26th (Monday)]


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Hath, maybe a little stress, hey? Double posting??? Hugs to you, dear one, you are an amazing woman.

And love to all of you for your concern. This is the ONLY place I get that. IRL, I am the strong one, the one who everyone comes to get help and healing. I am very tired. Here, I feel nurtured and cared about.

TMY, I hear you. This anger is of my own making. I cannot tell you how against my own nature this is. And yet, here I am. I don't know if a different IC or type of IC is the answer, I just don't know. I am the person who, at SEVEN YO, realized that the contempt I got from my mother wasn't really about me, it was about her own inadequacies and insecurities, and, to a large degree, forgave her. I didn't hold grudges. But that backfired on me with SAfWH. The cycle of abuse that SAs are so good at cultivating, left me doubting my right to question his absences, the massive amounts of money spent, his abusive rages and neglect of me, etc. So now, I have built this fortress of protection around myself, and mean to prevent anymore harm to my heart. Not optimal.

In the scheme of things, I am approaching the 3 year mark of the final d-day. His acting out stopped before that, but I was still being TT. And, for the record, my anger kicked in rather late, I was being the good little ACOA problem solver for oh so long.

My IC has suggested that he may be giving all he can give. We suspect he has mild asperger's syndrome, along with BPD, along with ADD and
SA. If he were soup we would never be hungry!

Lasty, this is for you...

after your SAWH was caught or came clean was he in recovery right
away?

He was "caught" SO many times. It was only the rock bottom 2009 time that he went to an SA meeting. That was the last time he acted out with strippers. The last PA/EA was ~2006.

Was he remorseful right away? How was he towards you?

When I confronted him he was alternately remorseful and angry. To be fair, I was screaming at him like a banshee, I had tracked him to a strip club on a GPS device HE had installed on our phones as a way to reassure me.

BTW, strip clubs are NOT sultry sexy places. The girls are NOT hot sexy things. They are flabby, pasty and dressed in skimpy SILLY halloween costumes. And the pathetic LOSERS at the bar?

He was scared straight at his first SA meeting. There were prominent men there, facing jail time. Many had lost everything already, prestige, money, family and were facing loss of liberty. Shortly into his third month of sobriety, a long time attender poured gasoline on himself and lit a match.

On the night he FINALLY told me the truth, January of 2010, he was nasty again. "WHY? WHY?" I said. "Because I needed a REAL woman!"

He considers that a slip. As a matter of fact, he considers any breach of patience with me a slip.

He has had several online porn slips that I know of. They were devestating at the time, but in retrospect, they were relatively minor. One was "real" porn, the others were stuff like "sexy" cheerleaders. I don't see him "scan" even at the beach, and we don't watch many movies anyway. He is a nature/sports/history channel guy.
If he acts out with a real person, his ass is grass.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happyface - I am a newbie, so take this for what it is worth, but I would say that your WH sounds like he is starting off well and I would think you are in the higher end rather than the lower end of those recovery statistics. The fact that he
-confessed immediately
-is going to IC/12 step group
-reading everything
-open to discussion about anything
-is in touch with himself enough to admit that the porn led to the affairs
-feels like chains have been removed

all are good signs. You still have to see if his actions are sustained and if he cares about your feelings more than his. Time will tell.

lastin- I have been meaning to respond to you because I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in wanting to stay even though everyone else is telling you to leave. My D-day is Christmas 2011; I got on SI a couple of weeks after that and was immediately told to D my WH. SIers told me he was an arrogant, selfish asshole and that he would not be remorseful (all of which is true). My situation is different than yours because we have kids, but he still is not remorseful and I still have not left, almost one year later. We have a CSAT appt on Friday and I will see what his attitude is like there. If he continues to be unremorseful, blameshifting, etc., than I am out. BUT, it has taken me a YEAR to get to this place. A year of IC, learning about FOO and what led me to this place, a year of discovering that he has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for 20 years, a year of finding out that he is likely an SA.

I couldn't have D'd him in the beginning because I didn't want to break my family up, was afraid of being on my own, liked the financial stability that we have. But now I realize that if he is SA and he doesn't choose recovery, my kids are better off with him out of the house. I also realize that I am tired of being abused; I don't accept it anymore and I want out. No amount of money and security is worth the mental torture that he has put me through and I realize that now. So, it is a process; don't beat yourself up for not leaving right away; you have to do what is right for you in the time that is right for you. Slow down, protect yourself, practice good self care (eat, sleep, exercise). You can always D him; wait until it feels right for you (if that is the path you choose to take). Hugs to you and PM me anytime.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
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