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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband just told me that he would stand by me for the rest of our lives if "I" get help.

He said he would attend marriage counseling with me once "I" have been in counseling for a while.

Mind you, we are in the divorce process and living separate.

I asked him, are you getting help?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((heartbrokennlost)))))))

My heart is crying for you. Nobody should have that story.

I second what Puton said. STD testing pronto. Get a lawyer, pronto. You need to know what your rights and options are should HE decide to file first, and the things you need to do to put yourself in the most optimal position to leave if you will need to (like the six months of stability with the baby). A CSAT for you would be ideal - IC is good, but the initial trauma of discovering your spouse is a SA is so intense you really need a specialist if you can get one.

IDK if you are even up to finding out what he's doing or if it matters to you at this point, put again I am with Puton on going low-tech if you are. He's not going to suspect a VAR in the car, or in the room he uses his computer at home. He's not going to expect a spycam recording him using his computer. He is not going to expect a passive GPS logger (tracks where you go, and you upload it to your computer directly later) if you think he is going elsewhere in his car to act out. Honestly, IMHO you only need to know if he does any of it once because that means he's still doing it all. You don't need any more evidence beyond that.

I'm going to tell you that it doesn't look good for any future with him. IMHO, once they are doing anonymous hookups, trading pix on CL, etc that is very far down the rabbit hole and only the ones that really really want to recover have any chance of doing so. It doesn't sound like he wants to, or even thinks he has a problem.

I am so sorry you are in this position. Keep posting. We can be here for you. We understand.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken, you need to protect yourself and your children. Make sure you get that STD test.

My husband was on adultfriendfinder too and guess what? He found someone....porn with skin. The kind of 28 year old living with her parents that doesn't care if your married. She does that internet prostituting for a living. As long as he paid for her phone, the room and her cigarettes she was good.

Only you can decide if you want to be checking all the time. Sounds like he had this problem before you met him.

Proceed with caution, especially since you are currently living comfortably and your baby is only 7 months. I don't know what you can or cannot live with, but right now you can't control him and you need to take care of you and your children.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
heartbrokennlost
♀ Member
Member # 37500
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to sound naive but I'm not certain he's had an actual hookups yet.

I had another bad day yesterday, just one among the many.

[This message edited by heartbrokennlost at 11:04 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]


Me-44
FWS-41
Son-18mnths
Son-18yrs
Son-22yrs
Son-18
Son-22
Son-17
Son-21

Posts: 87 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: heartbrokennlost
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Spouses/Partners of SAs))

Hello everyone, just popping in to give hugs. I read, but rarely post.

Monday is our CSAT Intensive Aftercare session w/ polygraph. Just wanted to check-in and say that EMDR has been key for my SAH in helping him get to the root of his issues-childhood trauma. He is doing the hard work in battling SA on all fronts. I feel very fortunate at this time because I know it could have gone very differently and could very well sometime down the line, but for now things are peaceful and healing. I tend to do lots of reflecting around polys and intensives.

My SAH has come a long way. He kicked off his addiction in his teen years by breaking into people's homes (before he met me) to steal undies . Pretty sick, huh? The odds were against him since he started with law-breaking and very risky behavior. As revealed last year in his disclosure, he has always felt bad about his A/O, and tried on his own to stop, but could not- only stints of white knuckling-some lasting years. Out of complete desperation (hitting bottom and about to lose his family) and desire to change, he admitted how pathetic and broken he was. After battling lots of other issues (FOO, to name one), he finally rolled up his sleeves and got to work-knowing it was the only way to be healthy and still have his family. 1.3 years later, 3 polygraphs and what seems like a bazillion hours of SAA meetings and therapy, he is showing himself to be a respectable man. I am hoping that he loves the feeling of integrity so much that he keeps it up. I am loving it so much that I hold firm to my boundaries and requirements for R.

Just was thinking about our journey and wanted to put a positive one out there. As you all know, one day at a time. I do have a back up plan since I know what I am dealing with. But for now, I am riding the peace and quiet.

Hugs to you all!!! ccg

edited for spelling...grr

[This message edited by cupcakegirl at 1:06 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cupcake, so good to hear things are well!!! Thank you so much for your positive story. It is a case-by-case basis that our SA will recover or note.

heartbrokkennlost, please know that I am thinking about you often. I was in your place 2 years ago. I was consumed with looking. If you get the chance, read the book Deceived. It will open your eyes to this trauma.

Of the utmost importance for you is take care of YOU and your children. You have already been thru a divorce. You obviously know how to stick up for yourself.

You can't control what he is doing. You can't control if he seeks help. You certainly can't control if he is in denial and continues to lie to you. If he want to act out he will and there is nothing you can do about it.

At this point, you know he is hiding something with those credit cards. As hard as it was, my husband would not tell me a dam thing and that is why I am in divorce court right now. He wouldn't get a poly either. He would not seek help. I decided I didn't want to search or install key loggers, etc.

Please remember that you have a life. So do your children.

I wish you peace each day.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All, sorry I haven’t been posting but it is difficult for me to find the privacy to post.

So, I did talk to WH about taking an online evaluation, and I specified sexhelp.com. He got defensive and nasty. He accused me of WANTING for him to be diagnosed as SA. Lots was said back and forth, it was not a positive or constructive conversation. At this point I can’t remember a lot of what was said.

One thing I do remember WH saying is “you don’t have as much power and control as you think because you will never be able to make me leave.” OK, thanks for the warning. I really never expected things not to get ugly.

The next day WH tells me he took two online surveys and he mentioned two totally bogus, riduculous websites, not the one I suggested. He tells me they are “rigged.” Whatever.

I have really been on the bottom of the rollercoaster this week. I decided to write a letter to WH and detail my “needs.” I began with two - I need to feel safe (the trauma of his betrayal and discovery of his secret life has shattered my world) and I need to be a priority (until a few weeks ago he was still deeply engaged in this behavior and he clearly doesn’t “get it”).

WH told me that if we separate it will be because I can’t forgive him. I told him, NO it will be because I can’t heal. I sent a copy of the letter to the MC so he could know where I am coming from. We will see what the coming week brings.

Hugs and peace to all.


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
torn - I am so sorry for what your H did to you - can't believe there are people (that is too kind a word for the 28yo "porn with skin") out there like that.

heart - so glad you're seeing a csat. I laughed with your "penis lineups" comment and don't think it's sick at all - BTDT. All of us SA spouses go through that in one way or another. I've learned about so many disgusting things that I NEVER would have known about if I were not an SA spouse.

cupcake - thanks for your positive story - all too uncommon on this thread unfortunately. Did you actually file for D or just tell him that you were going to D him when your H hit rock bottom?

nightsky - we are in the same boat. I am sorry your WH is not getting it. Focus on yourself if you can.

I have a new dilemma that has come up and I feel like I need to take a break and think for a while. I know my SAWH is unremorseful, denies he is a SA, won't get help, etc. BUT, since I discovered last week that he clicked on a Hustler "Barely Legal" email last week WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THE KIDS and they were just 2 rooms away, I have been rethinking things. My children are young and I am thinking of staying in this M to protect them. I read in S/D and all the horrible things that happen to kids at the WH's home, OW they are exposed to, etc. and it just turns my stomach. I didn't think that SAWH would ever look at anything even remotely pornography related with the kids in the house and now I have proof that he has. I can't bear the thought of them over his house for an entire weekend and what they might be exposed to with his addiction still ruling him. If I stay M, I can at least limit the alone time exposure he has to them (he rarely wants to watch the kids and would be happy to have me watch them all weekend; he doesn't see them much during the week). I know this is totally codependent, but these are my children and I will do anything to protect them.

I understand that if I remain M, I will be sacrificing a happy life for myself and showing my kids a dysfunctional relationship.

I haven't decided one way or the other yet -still need lots of time to think, but the kid thing has been weighing heavily on my mind lately and I wondered if anyone had any experience with a similar situation.

Hugs to SA spouses!

P.S. One of my friends who is D'd with a school-aged child just started dating this guy and he totally sounds SA. I warned her to run and I hope that my experience will save others from a similar fate - at least something good should come of this!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry; I just can't seem to come up with any helpful words of advice. Gah! Just hugs & prayers. Nightsky & N & N, you are heard & we are all here to listen.

I wish I knew if it was best to stay or go. I too would do anything to keep my boys safe, so I can't find fault with that decision. I just hate it for you, Numb. Maybe as they get older you'll feel differently & you can make adjustments to this plan.

My IC recommended a book called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. I haven't read it yet, but just the title makes me feel stronger, & more peaceful somehow. That is our goal, yes?

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 11:14 PM, January 11th (Friday)]


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb, you do have small children. If your SAWH is not abusive, defensive and starting fights in front of the kids, then I would stay in my M. Unfortunately, divorce brings out the worst of this disease and mine is all of those things and more.

Really, if your husband isn't bringing prostitutes home and is not causing large amounts of turmoil for you, you should think about staying in the M.

I wish it were the case for me.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Puton, I have no advice but wanted to commiserate on your concerns. I too am afraid once a D process was started, and he finally got his own L, all hell would break loose. I mean, I've done everything, drawn up a post nup, have him practically giving up his parental rights, etc but I still see how it can go so very wrong in the S&D forum. Most of the worst case scenarios there are divorcing SAs. And they are forced to hand over their kids for visitation despite everything. It's just not right. Scares the crap out of me.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((spouses)))))))))))))

There sure isn't a once size fits all solution, is there? I stayed while my kids were young and impressionable. My SAfWH was most certainly accessing porn while my kids were around, fortunately, by that time, they were older, and he did it away from them. I'm sure they saw some of it. In fact, I'm sure THEY were looking at porn to some degree at that point, they were teenagers. And I had NO IDEA he was at it at the time.

But I was short changed. SO CHEATED! I wish I had left! I wish I had know what was up and sought a REAL life for me! I was young and cute and sexy. I was married. I was devoted to my husband and family and working hard to make everyone happy, to keep everyone safe and organized and fulfilled. Everyone but me. I didn't have a husband and partner, I certainly didn't have a sex life.

Unless you have a SA who is embracing sobriety and and acting as though he will jump through fire to make it up to you, RUN! You deserve happiness. You deserve a complete, entire, WHOLE life. Not just the leftovers from the perversions that remain from a sick individual.

My SAfWH is doing it all now. Working as hard as is humanly possible to make it up to me. But he can't give me back the years he cheated me of. No one can.

Don't let that happen to you!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scardykat, thank you for the sage advice. You bring up something that is another thing I have been thinking about lately.

My husband would refuse to have sex with me when I was living with him, unless I initiated. He had no desire for me at all. He would hardly touch me. Touch is one of my love languages. I don't want to give up physical intimacy, among other things, to stay with him.

Right now he is doing nothing. Absolutely nothing to say he wants me, he wants to R. He even refused to go to MC right now. What the heck else can I do. I have loved him for a long time.

Thanks again for the words of wisdom.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((T2B))))) It's torture. My SAfWH, fortunately, even though we had no sex life, WAS a cuddler. Of course he was also a critical, raging, verbally abusive SOB, but when he'd apologize and come to bed, he'd want to cuddle, so I at least got that.

He tries to explain the "no sex" thing. He was actually impotent with me. Either he couldn't get it up or he couldn't climax. Apparently I was "real" and he could only perform in his fantasy life.
To quote another, at this point, frankly, I don't give a damn. I'm sick and tired of the explanations for the perversions and dysfunctions that I never signed up for. He drug me through the mud and slime of his choices and gave me no choices about my life. And I don't want to hear all the pseudo scientific justifications.

Does it mean I don't buy the SA model? No, I get it. I know more about the "addiction model" and about Bipolar disorder that the average medical doctor. I just don't f*cking care. I had a horrible childhood. It didn't make me turn around and abuse the people that loved me the most.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a new dilemma that has come up and I feel like I need to take a break and think for a while. I know my SAWH is unremorseful, denies he is a SA, won't get help, etc. BUT, since I discovered last week that he clicked on a Hustler "Barely Legal" email last week WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THE KIDS and they were just 2 rooms away, I have been rethinking things. My children are young and I am thinking of staying in this M to protect them. I read in S/D and all the horrible things that happen to kids at the WH's home, OW they are exposed to, etc. and it just turns my stomach. I didn't think that SAWH would ever look at anything even remotely pornography related with the kids in the house and now I have proof that he has. I can't bear the thought of them over his house for an entire weekend and what they might be exposed to with his addiction still ruling him. If I stay M, I can at least limit the alone time exposure he has to them (he rarely wants to watch the kids and would be happy to have me watch them all weekend; he doesn't see them much during the week). I know this is totally codependent, but these are my children and I will do anything to protect them.

I stayed to try & protect my kids from the very real possibility of them being at his place with whoknowswhat in the environment.

And then I found hard-core teen porn on the same computer my kids played Webkinz on. No passwords to protect them. That stuff was just one curious click away from polluting my children's minds.

And then I found the chair they sat in to play computer games was encrusted with ejaculate, as was the keyboard & mouse & desktop.

And then I found pictures of WH getting his dick sucked on stashed where the kids could have easily found them.

And then of course WH jacked off to porn every night with the kids just in the other room. When they were younger he did it with them in the room. At least once he was holding a baby while he was jacking off to porn at the computer.

My point?

You aren't protecting your children by keeping a SA in your home. You cannot control an addict. You cannot control the environment. Children will know what's going on eventually. They might walk in & see Dad masturbating. For sure they're going to hear it. They'll discover porn or pictures. They'll read letters or texts.

You cannot protect your children if you stay married. You cannot protect them if you divorce. You cannot control the addict.

At least if you divorce you'll have a custody evaluation process to document the SA, which in turn will affect the custody & amount of unsupervised time your child(ren) will have with the SA. There is some degree of protection available, albeit not much, by divorcing & evaluating & putting the SA on notice that people know what he's up to & he had better keep himself together around the children.

Children who grow up in the home with an active addict, be it an alcoholic to sex, will grow up dysfunctional. They will repeat your patterns that you model for them. You are only fooling yourself - a codep specialty - if you think that staying for the children is to anyone's benefit.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8780 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this on the Candeo site - might be helpful to someone...

When a spouse is hooked on pornography, it dominates and disrupts his life and makes things really tough on his wife and family – whether they know about his addiction or not. The first step is that he needs to have a strong desire to whatever it takes to break free. What makes this hard, is that he can’t do it alone – he has to get help. And in order to get help, he has to disclose his porn use. Many are unwilling to do this because of extreme fear – they fear that if someone learns about their porn use, they will lose that person’s love and respect, and their reputation will be ruined. The individual must let this fear go and simply move forward. Once the individual starts getting help, he should seek advice on how to tell his spouse and involve her as his “Partner” in recovery. That way, she can be educated and trained so she can help him through the recovery steps, but also so she can get through her own legitimate feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal, self-doubt, etc.
If the recovery process is a “team effort” it can actually help rebuild and restore the marriage relationship in wonderful ways. It takes time, effort and patience on the part of both spouses, but it is definitely worth it. A man can overcome the emotional, intimacy and physical impotence caused by porn use as he stops ingesting porn, gives his brain and nervous system a chance to go through withdrawals and return to normal levels, and allows himself to connect with his wife and enjoy each other emotionally, spiritually and physically in sexual and non-sexual ways. He will find that over time, he is “turned on” by everyday healthy pleasure outlets as simple as holding hands, walking in nature, playing with a child, and so many more. As he stops turning to porn as a way to escape and self-medicate, life itself can become exciting again.


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh. Holding you all in the light....

I think we can all agree on a few things, such as:
Anybody married to a SA, should have an exit plan in place, regardless of their situation - even if it is rosy. That includes investigating all the D options so you are in the best possible position should you need to execute it.
It is always ok to leave your SA, regardless of your sitch or circumstances. We should be able to do this without guilt of any kind.
If your SA is abusive, or actively acting out, especially in activities that risk your health and safety, or put you at risk for getting your kids taken away, you should get out ASAP. With absolutely no guilt.
If your SA does not recognize he has a problem and refuses to seek help, you need to formulate your exit plan and begin to accept it is very likely you will use it.
If your SA consistently crosses your boundaries and does not meet your requirements to feel safe or stay in the M, you need to execute your exit plan.

The trouble *I* have with is the gray area. When there is no current, active abuse and acting out going on. When they have accepted they have a problem, are trying recovery, are trying to meet your requirements and boundaries and for whatever reason not doing it to your satisfaction (which is different than not meeting them). When they have "slips" but not relapses. Etc. When it is not so black and white.

These are the things that are so difficult for me. It's so easy to look back when you first discovered and see when you were not getting what you required to stay in the M, or in someone's else's sitch, for example, but not necessarily when it is going on afterward and some progress may have been made. So you are questioning your judgement on what your sitch really is at any given time. And then you are kicking yourself for choosing a life that means you have to do this.

I don't have any answers for the gray area. I just wanted to voice that I understand the confusion and frustration around it, and let y'all know you aren't alone.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Patsfan09
♀ Member
Member # 25965
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone tell me about SLAA?
WH recently went to a meeting. I don't know anything about SA and the treatment for it. We've been in MC for 3 years and WH continued his EA and progressing to PA during that time. Also did the porn, chat line and emailing other women during our marriage (13 years).


WH-43
BW-44
T-18y M-15y
2 children (dd-13, ds-12)
1 EA/PA 5/2009-10/2012 (with multiple ddays)
*went from EA to PA while we were in MC for over a year.

trying to R...


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Patsfan))))) Welcome to the club that no one wants to be part of.

SLAA, SAA and SA are all 12 step programs similar to AA, NA and the others. There are similarities and differences. I think that there are also differences in each group. 12 step groups aim to support addicts as they detox from, and refrain from using their drug of choice, in this case, sex, porn, emotional affairs, inappropriate flirtations, whatever. In my humble opinion, an addicts attendence along with consultation with a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist is the ONLY way to beat this. It isn't easy and it isn't quick.

As a spouse, you should try to find your own support in a program like COSA or SANON. If there are no meetings in your area, go to an ALANON meeting, the ideas are the same, you didn't cause this, can't cure it and CANNOT CONTROL IT.

The first page of this thread has two amazingly helpful books. Mending a Shattered Heart and Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. There are tons of other books, but these two were enormously helpful to me.

As for you. Breathe. Take care of you. If you or your kids are in danger in any way, get out! If not, you can afford to take some time to see what you want to do. There isn't any shame in ending your marriage. This is a hard addiction to beat. There are slips, and there are relapses. But there are also success stories of a type.

You will find all sorts of perspectives here. But we care. Post and let us know how we can help.

**********Patsfan09**********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I guess I belong on this thread now,too.

Quick background: dday was on August 10,2010. I found his secret email account. He had been answering/placing ads on craigslist (CL) for men,transgendered people,and girls(average age of 20). He had..that I know of..one sexual encounter with an OM..in our van. Oral sex..he gave..and swallowed. When I caught him,he and OM were making plans to meet again,to do more "stuff."

He finally admitted,after months of me pushing..that he was/is bisexual. Until then(from dday) he was only saying bicurious. I had no idea about this until d-day.

He promised he would do anything to help us heal. He has spent the last 2 years rugsweeping. Refused therapy of any kind,and after the shock wore off and I started asking questions(4-5 months out),his answers were all "I don't know/remember."

I know nothing that I haven't found on my own.

Yesterday I discovered a hidden cell phone in his truck. Here is the info on that:http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=483409

He has had an issue with porn for a very long time..our entire relationship. For a very long time,I watched it with him. But then,I started finding magazines and dvd's hidden about the garage,basement,etc. He would get very angry when confronted. I was told it had nothing to do with me,men are visual,etc,and he'd stop. But I would find more porn.

He admits now that he got off on the secrecy..that it made it seem more "forbidden."

He now,as of yesterday,admits he has a problem with porn..that he is a porn addict. Because of how he has cheated on me,I believe,and many members of SI have said,they think he is a SA. He,of course,says he's not.

He called a counselor today,answered questions for 10 minutes,and should here back within 48 hours. It was not a therapist that specializes in SA. I told him he needs one,and he said "Im sure that will be discussed."

So..my question is..how do you know if your WS is a SA? Or if they're just selfish assholes?

Im sorry,I know this post is all over the place. Ive had no sleep since saturday night,and I can't keep anything down. Im a mess. My life is a mess.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:18 PM, January 14th (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


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