Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: PhoenixWife (43212)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Missy. I hope you reconsider your choice to leave us. We need ALL sides of this story. There is NO one size fits all for this situation.

@NG I think sometimes your statements about divorce comes off as though it is the only option. I don't think you mean it IS the only option in ALL cases. But you are absolutely right. We need to beware of our co-dependent habits being the force that keeps us in a dangerous place.

I have seen a fair number of SAs who have a long amount of time in recovery. They are all VERY active in SA, in recovery and in continued IC. I don't believe an SA can ever be cured, but I think that with personal vigilence, IC and determination they can control their addictions as do many alcoholics. I believe that as SA is more recognized, it, like AA will allow more addicts to face and deal with the problem and PERHAPS there will be an increase in "happy endings." I think it is unlikely that most addicts of any kind can maintain sobriety without the support of some kind of group assistance.

My SAfWH has a few years of sobriety. I'm not closing my eyes to the past, nor am I ignoring the possibility that relapses and slips can occur. I just have a plan for what I will do if they happen. My plan includes, not just SA acting out, but his other NPD and PA behaviors. I have changed. I'm not a pushover, a patsy, a whipping boy. That's what recovery looks like to me. I am also financially equal to him, and while we are much better off together, we would both be fine separately. I have a tentative plan to deal with my fears that he may act out or act irresponsibly with money as he ages. That is a real fear of mine.

We are sisters of different mothers. We share experiences that no one should never have to. This shouldn't be a disagreement between us.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't mentioned the site to him TooMany or even the mention of SA at all, which is eating at me because other than this I've shared every feeling every thought with him during our R. I went to the site, I have continued to read throughout this thread. Honestly, I don't know. I know after reading here and a little of the sites, I want nothing more than to just be on the wrong forum right now. I truly hope I am.

Our R began in September, and it is going GREAT! He's 10k times more open, more honest than he's ever been. He's disclosed tons I would've never (even in all my super duper creeper spy skills I've acquired over the past couple years) have found out on my own. He's not reactive when I present things anymore. He's supportive, not defensive, calm, kind. I spent the first half of the year reading every book on NPD relationships I could find, even read one with him, and so I never imagined this current man I'm with today. That's not consistent at all with someone that's a SA right? And with as hard as he's working, if he's not SA, if I bring something this awful up to him, I'm afraid how discouraged he'd feel all for nothing more than a hunch from me.

There are a ton of red flags that say SA from his entire life until September, but of course it's not 100%. And I'm glad it's not 100%. I did look on the locator for a CSAT to see if we could at least go to one appointment to see what they think, but the closest ones are 2hrs north or 2hrs east of here. So let's say he is. Then what? Neither of us can afford that kind of drive regularly. So, what then, he's just doomed, we are too?

Maybe he's just borderline or "at risk" of it and with all the work he's putting in now, he'll have halted progression into full blown SA? Is that possible?

Sometimes, I feel like he's given me all I ask for. He's answered every question more than thoroughly. He's given me a timeline. He is the text-book R'ing WS. Maybe it's time for me to just put down the investigation into the past and just let go and believe him. All my looking is fear-based. He's giving me no reason to fear him NOW. Do I just seek drama? Can't I just be fkn happy?!

To hear the SA will relapse is devastating to me. It's why I just want to forget it all together as even a possibility. I love this man; I have never been even remotely this close to another human on the planet. Over the past few months, I've fallen even more deeply in love with him than I was in the good beginning times of us.

I'm just SO afraid now. I barely got through the last two years with a shred of sanity left. I know I couldn't go through it again. I wish I never heard of SA.

Edit: Update today.... I had a long talk with him last night. I'm sure I'll bring up the SA concerns sometime over the next couple days. It is frightening to me. However, I also can not deny how great he is doing now. Maybe we'll be able to get a few of the books listed on the front page here and work through those since there isn't a CSAT nearby. What I do know is HE is doing great now, as I am still fearful and have plenty of my own issues. Decided with a clarity this morning that whether he is SA or not is irrelevant. It's time for me to stop focusing on him and what might/might not be his issues and start truly 100% focusing on tackling my own. Started looking into books related to a fear of intimacy for myself. Going to start there. Maybe I'll be back here in a few months wondering why the hell I didn't make this the focus now, but I truly hope I'm not. Regardless of whether I return here having to face SA with a certainty or not, if I focus on fixing my own brokenness now, I'll be a stronger, more capable woman then.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 10:47 AM, December 30th (Sunday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
stabbed81
♀ New Member
Member # 37686
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SA Spouses))

Hope you all had manageable holiday season.

Just wanted to request that please reconsider your decision about leaving this group. We need stories and perspectives from all stages. Everyone is unique and their contribution is extremely valuable. I can not begin to tell you guys how much this forum has supported me in crisis and I am just a newbie here. I was on verge of breakdown and was having serious thoughts about ending my life when SI came to rescue. The resources listed here are also very helpful.

Please please please... stay connected.


Me-BW 32
Him-33 Sex addict x 5 years
Married 7 years together 13 years
3 year old DD

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Bay area
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, December 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Stabbed}}}}}

I was in horrible pain as the lies began coming out about my X's sexual acting out. I didn't know when the pain would end, but it did. Please know that things will be better. It may not be as soon as any of us would like, but it does get better. I was laid so low by all of this, and now am grateful for the smallest kindnesses and happy things, and that "grateful and happy" part of my life is good.

[This message edited by Compartmented at 6:32 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
sodeeplysaddened
♀ Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 31st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say thank you, TooMany, for your sage (as always!) advice!


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


Posts: 246 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: In R.
Mrs Optimistic
♀ New Member
Member # 34022
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cold Turkey seems an appropriate sub-heading

Well it’s been just over a year since I first posted and just over two years when I found out and realised what I was up against. Since then Mrs Optimistic has been just that, Mrs Optimistic, and also Mrs Very Pessimistic. The rollercoaster ride of hope and despair.

I learnt from reading everything I possibly could, that the general timeline for regaining trust and R appears to be 2 to 5 years. I’ve spent the last two plus years doing everything I could to pull my marriage back (to what I thought I had). I continued to read these forums which boosted my strength when I needed it. I’ve been able to take from the various forums what’s seemed relevant to my situation and “blip” over what hasn’t. I stayed with my SAH and was determined to work through the nightmare. Every situation is different.

I stand by what I first posted about NC with a SA for my situation. I really didn’t believe NC would help our marriage despite what so many were saying on the forums, and I continued to love him and do all I could to support him. I know the following crops up a lot on the forums too

You didn't cause it;
You can't change it;
You can't control it.

But I believed I could give my SAH the opportunity to change and control it by providing him with the support and continued love despite his past behaviour. I wanted to show him that not everybody in his life would abandon him and think him worthless. I also wasn’t ready to walk away until I knew I’d done everything I possibly could to save my marriage of 13 years especially when I was still in love with him. Again, it was a combination of my situation, circumstance, history and personalities that took me there – not a choice for everybody. We found the best SA counsellor in the UK and he went to many sessions once a week over many months at great expense. I didn’t notice any change. After that we found a SA discussion group for him to attend once a week – again at great expense and over many months. He is still going there. I haven't noticed any change. All that was happening was that he got to stay away overnight once a week giving him the temptations and opportunities a SA would jump at. I considered it his choice. It really was up to him to want to change. There are no SA counsellors anywhere near where we live and it would have been impossible for me to “chaperone” him each week. Besides – I refused to become his mother and this was his opportunity to work on changing.

Without going into the detail, whenever I thought we were actually getting somewhere I would discover a lie. After the “lie” three months ago I told him that if I found, was told, came across, whatever, one more thing that would cause me more hurt, that our marriage would be over. He was under no illusions as to where I stood. We also signed up for MC. Sadly, during the time of MC sessions I found another “lie” which I confronted him with during our session the week leading up to Christmas. I told him I’d found something and that I wanted him to volunteer what he was hiding without me having to drag it out of him. I told him it was really important to me for him to finally open up and be honest with me. He wouldn’t, or couldn’t, bring himself to be honest and at that moment I knew we were finally over. You can’t clap one-handed as they say.

We struggled along for a few days coming to terms with the realisation of what had happened and then I asked him to move out. I’ve just spent the fifth night alone, including the dreaded NYE, without any contact whatsoever, but despite the way it’s turned out I don’t regret spending the last couple of years giving him the opportunity to change. Okay it didn’t happen but now I know I have nothing to regret, or reproach myself for. I did everything I possibly could and can now “let go” or should that be that “give up”? I’m feeling devastated now that we’ve actually separated. I feel very sad, hurt, let down, deflated, you name it I feel it, and there’s going to be many more tears but at last I can now look forward to peace of mind. Something I haven’t been able to feel in a long time. And I know I deserve better.

Like I said, everyone has to work through their own very personal nightmare in their own way. I wouldn’t presume to give anyone advice as to what to do in theirs but I know that for whatever reason, reading other people’s stories was helpful to me and I wanted to share mine with you.

I wish everyone luck with whichever path you choose or find yourself on. There doesn’t seem to be an easy route.

[This message edited by Mrs Optimistic at 4:45 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: UK
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say (((Mrs. Optimistic)) I can't imagine the pain you are feeling now.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs & prayers to you, Mrs. Optimistic. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope the New Year brings you ever increasing strength, & peace with your new life. I admire your willingness to give him the time & opportunity to change, & your strength in saying enough is enough.

Happy New Year to everyone.


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ladies. Happy new year to you all.

I am going through lots of professional and personal changes in my life ATM. It has led to a lot of triggering, feeling lonely, and just plain angry at Mr NEM. It's hard to see a way through this. I need an appt with my local CSAT and will be working on that shortly. Struggling through the anger is so much more difficult each time.. It's always different... lonely anger, anger at the loss of the relationship I thought we had, anger at the lost years I've "wasted" with him in a false relationship... I'm just so angry. I don't even know what to say or do with him anymore.

And through all this pain is my anchor... my pets. Thank god for these little innocents that bring us back to reality. And as helpless as they are, I can't help but be exceedingly grateful to have no children in the mix of all this.

Anyway. Happy 2013 to you all. I hope to be more active on this thread in the upcoming year. It's gonna be a long and rough year for me. In a different way than 2012, but still... not an easy one.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All

I haven't been on here for a while as I am divorcing so I am not sure if I have much to offer here any more.

But one thing I will say is, if you have doubts about your spouses, I strongly recommend you get a keylogger.

For complicated reasons my husband is still living in our house until march (downstairs in the study) and despite having numerous computers, he still uses the one I put the keylogger on for chatting in the evenings.

Since I told him it was over he has met so many different women via hookup sites. He talks to numerous others even when he's supposedly interested in one. He's even flying to Germany to meet someone the weekend after next - he's only ever spoken to her online. She is married AND has a girlfriend and he is going over there to fill some gap she thinks she has in her life. But last night I read part of their chat. He told this woman the first line of our address, and repeatedly mentioned me by my first name. I am totally mad at him. But I don't want to reveal the keylogger so I'll have to be stealth about it still.

Apparently I "wanted too much" because he fully believed we could remain as a family and he could have a mistress. And he also thinks I am "scratching around for any old dog who would have me" now. This isn't true by any stretch. These are just examples of why a keylogger may hurt, but I tell you they make you realise you have made the right decision either way.

Our divorce is in progress and will be complete by mid February. Here in the UK a part of it happens in court (that was on 27th Dec) which is a formality - we didn't have to be there. The absolute happens six weeks and one day after that.

HAPPY new year one and all.

xxx


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Mrs Optimistic
♀ New Member
Member # 34022
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Putonahappyface)) ((Wantreallove))

Thank you for your kind words & understanding. It doesn't matter how long you see it coming it's still a shock when it happens for real. Especially after putting so much effort in. I have moments of absolute clarity when I can see this is exactly the right thing to do and then the next moment I'm in the depths of despair. I'm hoping it won't be very long before the light outshines the dark!

CallMeRed1 - I've sent you a pm


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: UK
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said Kat.

We are sisters of different mothers. We share experiences that no one should never have to. This shouldn't be a disagreement between us.

Divorce isn't always the only, standard option. My SAWH just picked up his 2 year chip this week. Is he "cured" - uh, no. He still has many issues he's dealing with - he's doing a lot of personal growth work as well. However, for many reasons, I am staying with him. He's working at his recovery, sometimes more diligently than other times. He's a much better father and husband than he was. I was not and am not co-dependent. Did I compromise on things in our marriage. Hell yes. It's part of what you do in a marriage. However, I did not know anything about his other life or activities in it. When we were younger and anything like what he was into came up, I was always very clear on my stance and what I expected. He knows the score. I was never one to check up on where he was. After DDay - yes, I did check/verify/log in, etc. Sometimes after a triggery moment, I still do. However, I recognize it as trauma relief. The complete blindsiding of my life was a trauma of the highest proportions.

The bottom line is that I'm giving him and our family one second chance. Any step out of what I feel is appropriate for our family and myself, I'm out. Period. There isn't another chance. Has he done everything perfectly in the last 2 years. No. It's a work in progress. However, my hard lines have not been crossed so I'm still working towards the end goal of having my family be healthy and ok some day.

Happy New Year to all! I'd list y'all but it would take too long!

Girls, what was the one that talks about the trauma model vs codependency and how spouses of SA and infidelity get labeled codie during the trauma cycle? I read it after the major trauma and I felt a huge amount of relief as it made sense and seemed to be talking right to me. It's buried somewhere in the 10,000 books on my Kindle.

Windowsnotwalls - trust your gut. I'm trying to find the book that helped me the most. PM me if you need to talk/rant/etc.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you mean Barbara Steffens, "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse - How Partners Can Cope and Heal"? I loved this book.

Even though I am co-dependent, the trauma was what I needed to deal with first.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Happy new year. Hope its better than the last!
I truly do appreciate each of you on here. Its nice to care/feel cared about and speak to people who understand.

Windows, I understand how you feel. For some, an SA diagnoses is somewhat of a relief, an explanation, a direction. For others, myself included, its an awful 'life sentence' of fear. Im not sure that my wh presents like the typical SA, though he did participate in the typical craigslist/AFF stuff that is SO common. The conclusion I came to is that whether he is SA, isnt, is 'borderline', etc, there is SOMETHING that wasnt right about his actions and following that path of treatment certainly would not hurt. Maybe if you/your h were to read the books (or look into recovery nation website, which is a different approach than 12 step) it could be eye opening, and give him important skills to change his behaviors. Just a thought.

Mrs Optimistic,
Good for you, standing your ground and not tolerating the lying. I understand why you stayed... it takes time to come to your own understanding of things and detach. Its something you needed and Im glad you now feel confident about the future. Thanks for sharing. Sending hugs and strength.

(((((NEM)))))
Good to hear from you. I think Im going through a sad/angry phase as well. Not sure I want to live like this forever. Resentful of how much "I" am now changed/damaged.

CallmeRed
Yikes. Thank goodness you are getting out of that craziness soon.

Kicked,

Thanks for saying that! I agree with the trauma model for myself as well. Let me know if you remember the name of the other book you are thinking of.

Hath,
How are you doing?

Hugs to everyone...


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All and Happy New Year.

I have a question that I’m sure has been asked many times before, but I could use some input. Quick background, confronted WH at the end of June. I began IC immediately, WH started in August (not a CSAT) and we began MC at the beginning of December (we’ve had 3).

His IC wants to try EMDR because the farthest WH can get is “I don’t know.” MC has brought up “addiction” in each session - but not specified SA.I don’t understand why his IC and the MC are tap-dancing around SA.

I told MC that I see two separate issues - our marriage and WH addiction/issues. We waited to start MC because I didn’t see the point unless/until WH got real and began to deal with his shit. But I got to the point where I just didn’t’know what to do, how to even begin to “rebuild” so I said let’s start MC.

WH says he might have an addiction to “that site” but draws the line at SA. He was fighting the MC tooth and nail because he doesn’t want to give up porn; he doesn’t see it as related and “all men look at porn.” WH has stayed off the site and all porn for the last two weeks, as far as I can verify. I guess this is white-knuckling.

So, two questions. Next MC and WH IC is next week. Do I direct WH to sexhelp.com and the online evaluation? Do I come right out and say SA in MC? WH does say that he needs to stop for himself, not me or our marriage. I know I must concentrate on myself (and I am) but I feel like we are just spinning our wheels.

Thanks in advance. Guess I need to start checking out all the resources in the beginning of the thread.


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Red
so I am not sure if I have much to offer here any more

Your post belied that fact! Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. You may be dumping the addict but I doubt you'll be able to heal as fast as that. I hope we can still support you and you have certainly been helpful to me.

@Kicked the Steffens book was a HUGE relief to me. But also, the newest version of Mending a Shattered Heart addresses the trauma model. SA therapists have started to look at spouses from this point of view more carefully, rather than the previous "co-addict, co-dependent" role, especially for those of us who had SA husbands who were very good at hiding their secrets. Personally, I SURELY developed enabling, denying and co-de behaviors to deal with his anger and rages, but most of his acting out was a complete shock to me.

Windows, I agree that your H may benefit from SA counseling even if he isn't a "classic" SA. And I worry for you that he is "whiteknuckling." And only you can decide if you can deal with a future betrayal. I can tell you that for me, if I could do it all again, I WOULD NOT accept a half hearted reconciliation. I would insist on all the things I have in place now, regardless of his protests, total transparency, access to cell phone, finances, IC, MC, etc and I would absolutely insist that he get an eval for SA. That's what I would do if I had 20/20 hindsight.

Mrs. O...Hugs to you my friend. I can imagine your pain. Blessings to you and your future life. You will succeed and thrive.

@NEM I hear you. At this time I am in a fairly good place. I wish I could bring you with me. Holding you in the **********LIGHT***********

love and light to all

Here's to a MUCH BETTER 2013!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nightsky,

There are others here with much more experience & insight than me, but I do have one thought/question. My Aunt is a therapist & trained in EMDR. She did a couple of sessions with me, & it's my understanding it's designed to help the person who's received a trauma (such as you). I've never heard of it being used to retrieve memories, has anyone?

My other thought is these IC's & MC'd are tap dancing around the subject because they just don't have the proper training to diagnose or treat SA. Even if you have to drive some, it's completely worth it to see a CSAT. My WH tried several therapists who listed sexual addiction on their website, but they just didn't cut it. His first visit with this guy was completely different. He said he knew within 5 min that he was the right guy, & worth the extra money. Don't settle!

Edited to add: yes, if I were you I would direct him to the sexhelp evaluation, especially if you can't get him to a CSAT. If he says he needs to stop, then it's probably even worse than what you know.

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 8:59 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are others here with much more experience & insight than me, but I do have one thought/question. My Aunt is a therapist & trained in EMDR. She did a couple of sessions with me, & it's my understanding it's designed to help the person who's received a trauma (such as you). I've never heard of it being used to retrieve memories, has anyone?

I have received an immense amount of help from the EMDR sessions I've had. I'm no expert, though.

As far as trauma and addiction for the addict, I learned at my weeklong therapy group that some therapists believe trauma underlies addiction. Seems to me that early childhood traumas in particular were an issue.

For me, I found that early childhood things DID come up in EMDR, which somehow related to how I handled (or didn't handle, more accurately!!!) the trauma of being betrayed.

My X tried EMDR once, but didn't like the things that came up and wouldn't do it anymore. (He didn't stop using.)

I think it is a great idea for your spouse to try it.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the feedback. I am going to tell WH about the sexhelp.com survey/evaluation. The reason I hesitated is the whole, didn't cause it, can't cure it thing. In some ways, I already feel like I am doing too much of the work. But, at this point, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I am also going to bring it up in MC. I have repeatedly said to WH and also to MC, "how long am I supposed to wait?" If the issue is not directly addressed, there will never be any possibility of progress.

As far as EMDR, WH was very resistant. In fact, he wanted to quit IC rather than try it. Of course, this was prior to the last several Ddays and me trying to throw him out of the house.

I have never considered us in R because until two weeks ago, he was still going to that site and heavily viewing porn and lying to me every day. I also don't believe, or have any faith, that WH has had some kind of epiphany and he is suddenly done. But, I told WH, so far I'm still here.

I am going to get the Carnes and Steffens books. I'll tell ya, WH has not even been evaluated or diagnosed as SA and already this feels like a full-time job. Funny, but I don't remember interviewing for this particular position. But then, we are all blind-sided by this, aren't we.

I can see where I have a lot more work to do for/on myself. I am seriously beginning to question, what do I want/deserve, and this is after 33 years of marriage!. Even without the SA factored in, I told WH and MC that I am not willing to return to the "old" marriage. So I am questioning what I need to fulfill me, enrich my life, what kind of life I want to be living, even who do I want to be.

I admit I have only popped onto this thread during the last few months when things have been desperate. I don't know where else I could receive the incredible support and understanding that everyone is so willing to share. I think I'm going to have to "move in." Thank you all!


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nightsky - I lke how you are sounding - focusing on taking care of you.

Hugs to everyone; sorry I haven't been on in a while. Lots of drama going on at the n&n household (but isn't that just about everyone on this thread).

The latest is that we had a 2 hour CSAT appt today; WH says that he doesn't think he is addicted to masturbation as out CSAT says and that he does not want to go to CSAT anymore. WH says that he hasn't looked at porn in 9 months and hasn't masturbated in 2 months. He uses this, in addition to the fact that he says he hasn't escalated, hasn't tried to quit, etc. as proof that he is not addicted.

I know i have to D him, but it is so hard. I am doubting myself that he is an SA. I have not seen any evidence that he has watched porn in the last 9 months, have seen no evidence of masturbation in the last 2 months. He says that we should go to MC; he has moved all the money back to our joint account, I have total transparency (email, phone, etc.), he is going to get STD tested and is cancelling his trip to Vegas with his friends per my request. It seems gray to me and he is making me doubt myself. I also don't have any evidence of CL, prostitution, massage parlours, nothing. I feel that I may be making a big deal and getting D'd over nothing. Am I crazy?


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.