Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I've been on SI a little while. I've toggled the consideration my fWSO was a SA, but not until today did it finally set in.

I found some old "dating" site profiles today that were so explicit, so disturbing, so.... life-altering, that I am now sitting here just like on Dday #3 (of 5? 6? Fuck the lines get blurred after a few...and those are Ddays not OW counts, which is higher) wondering how I even allowed myself to question the possibility, piecing together in hindsight all the things that made me think "maybe" or "possibly" or even "probably" but never "YES!"

We've been in R a few months, and it's not our first go around, but it's the first true R with his all in, timeline, reading, talking, open, honest, and has just been amazing. I had a revenge A in Sept of this year, and I often have felt eons behind him in recovery as a WSO.

I guess this isn't really a Q&A thing I'm posting, just more a "I'm (sadly and disappointingly) here!"

My MAIN question today (of thousands that were reeling through my mind after reading the explicit content) was that is absolutely not me, never will be, I will never be that type of woman. I know I fulfill the sensual/nuturing part for him, and our sex life is far from dull, and has always been great. He tried reassuring me tonight by reminding me I'm the end all be all type statement. However, I just can't shake the question of "...yet. I'm the best woman you've ever found....yet. ...and at absolute best that only means I'm half of what you truly want."

We have truly, truly, truly put effort into this R. We were in a great place the past few weeks. (Not HB, still honest and still authentic, with a few arguments, but communicative and truly rebuilding even when upset) Now, although I still am committed to this, and although he is as well and he is trying to help me today, I just don't know what could possibly be said or even done to undo these inadequacies I feel now.

How do you ever feel "enough" again? And not so much how, but more HAVE any of you ever gotten to a point again where you believed you were ALLL they wanted?

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading my chaotic rant. Just trying to put my head back together.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

windowsnotwalls,

Hi, I think that IF your WSO is a SA (and I always preface it that way because there are very specific criteria that are used to diagnose SA) your main question is not very important. I understand that right now, it seems like the important question to you, but if your WSO is indeed a SA, it actually is not.

If your WSO is open to the idea, he should first take the online quiz that can be found on the sexhelp.com website. If it looks like he is a SA then he should be evaluated by a CSAT. If he really is a SA, all the counseling and trying won't help until he seeks out the appropriate help (CSAT, 12 step, etc.). He will relapse. SA's can "white knuckle" for a long time, but eventually due to the compulsive nature of SA they do return to acting out. It has NOTHING to do with whether you are what he wants or needs.

There are a lot of good resources listed on the first page of this thread. I strongly encourage people who think they might be involved with a SA to check them out. Knowledge is power. SA isn't a label that you can just slap on a situation and everything will be better and there are no easy solutions with SA. It is signing up for YEARS of hard work, always with the potential of relapse at the back of your mind. If your WSO is indeed a SA, I don't recommend marriage at this point. I know that sounds harsh, but for many of us that have been through the heartbreak of long term marriages and kids with SA's and seeing how it has affected our children as well, it is easy for us to advise to take a step back and re-evaluate your commitment to a situation that is potentially a life long battle.

If indeed your WSO is a SA, the best thing you can do right now for YOU is to work on yourself. Why are you in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable? Are there FOO issues that you should examine? What support do you need to become a healthier and happier person? The focus needs to be turned back towards YOU and not on the SA. If he is a SA, he needs to want to change for himself, not to save the relationship, because that never works.

Good luck! This is a really hard thing to deal with, but educate yourself on SA. It is a really devastating thing to deal with and really screws with your self-esteem. I understand why you asked that question. I hope my reply wasn't too harsh, but those sorts of questions are just surface noise and distraction from the real issues when you deal with SA. The inadequacies are unfortunately something that we struggle with for a very long time. That is something the SA puts on us, not something that is real. WE are not the cause or the cure of their sickness! That is why we must focus on ourselves, to make ourselves stronger and to feel better about ourselves, because we ARE worth it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I am going to once again step into the debate about what this thread is supposed to be. Geez, this gets old! I understand why this happens, though. I do think that there are some people who think that this thread exists to reinforce the idea of reconciliation. Maybe they don't actively think it, maybe it is a subconscious thing, I don't know, but it definitely comes through in some posts.

I think the idea of searching for hope in a relationship is actually very much something seen more often with newer posters to the thread. I think that when you are new to the idea of SA, you look for that glimmer of hope, that sense that maybe this can be fixed, because at least we now have a diagnosis. I know that I definitely would have latched on to that years before my last d-day, the one that shot everything to hell.

While I am still sick over the bomb that was dropped in my kids' lives over 3 years ago, it was the best thing that every happened to both my H and to me. It shattered all the illusions. There was NO way to continue on anymore. Our separation was one of the best things that happened to both of us. He had nothing to do other than work on recovery , and I had to face the fact that I was going to have to move on with my life sooner than I had intended (I was trying up until that point to wait until they were both 18).

I was very slow to embrace recovery for ME, and I was very angry about things for the first year and a half. I felt like this was NOT my problem, and I did not need to address it for me. I am in no way saying that I caused his SA, because he was a SA long before we met, but I was very resistant to recovery and counseling at first. I focused everything on him and his efforts. It is something very common among people who are new to dealing with SA.

There came a point where I realized that although he was actively engaged in recovery, I was not feeling any better. This is when I started seeing my CSAT and working the 12 steps. I have a lot of issues that caused me to be compatible with a SA. He was not the only one who was comfortable with intimacy avoidance. A lot has changed in my life in the last few years of working on myself. I am very grateful for that.

Pages and pages ago cleo offered some pearls of wisdom that I would like to repeat:


Two things I would advise anyone who is on this forum and reconciling with an SA.....get a post nuptial agreement, and make sure you have a way to support yourself.

I am very thankful that I did a post-nup after our last d-day. I am also very thankful that I have a career that allows me to be financially self-sufficient.

I do NOT post much about my current situation, because I don't want to give anyone false hope, especially newer members about living with a SA. Very few SA's will really recover and maintain recovery long term. While my H has been active in a strong recovery for over 3 years, I am always prepared for the possibility of relapse. It is not that I am expecting it or that I would not be very disappointed if it did occur, but I am prepared. I have made myself stronger. I have been working on ME. I have the financial resources in place. That is very empowering, and what I want for all of you. I think that recovery for US is of the utmost importance, and realistically of far more importance than the recovery of the SA. Most of us are the caretakers of our children and we can be healthy role models for them, even if our SA cannot. When we are in a dysfunctional relationship with a SA we are NOT healthy role models, and we are perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction and addiction. As parents (for those of us with kids) I know we do not want this for them. None of us want our children to become addicts or to marry addicts. Even if you cannot think of your needs in the relationship with a SA (and in the beginning this is common co-dependent behavior), think of your children. I still think that is the saddest part of my marriage, that we brought children into this dysfunction.

No matter what, please take care of YOU!!!! And yes, that may very well mean divorce, and divorcing a SA is not failure. In many instances it is the healthiest option. I know that those who come here looking for hope may be looking for hope for their relationship, but more importantly there is hope for US! And our children!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG,

I want to validate your feelings concerning the statement that was made about your pain.

This is not the first time this has been said to me when I try to voice my experience or advocate for the freedom to discuss divorce here. Even when it's wrapped with other words, I recognize this kind of phase and how it's used. I find it very minimizing & dismissive. Thanks.

I think it is very dismissing to assume that because someone is not pro-reconciliation with a SA or is divorcing a SA that they are in more pain than any of the rest of us. Perhaps some who are choosing to stay with a SA are minimizing their own pain because their focus is on the SA or they are numbing in other ways (I spent years numbing myself!).

We are ALL in pain here. That is why we are here! Sure, our levels of pain vary due to where we are at and what work we have done on ourselves.

I think that Nature Girl and Choosing Hope are very valuable posters to this thread. Just because someone does not reconcile with a SA does not make them a failure or invalidate their experiences. I think they have important insights to offer, and I appreciate their presence here.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma,

I have never seen unsolicited advice to stay married, KWIM. It is obvious from your posts that you are still in an immense amount of pain. I am in no way trying to stifle you from speaking about your own pain and experience. I would like those wishing to talk about their reconciliation not to be stifled, either. That's all I mean
.

As I said in an earlier post, I do not post much about my reconciliation with my SAH because I do not want to offer anyone false hope. Yes, things are very good in my life, especially in the last year. My H has worked very hard on recovery, and it has affected every area of his life. I am working on recovery for me, too, and it has made a difference. However, I still have children who were damaged by the dysfunction and there is still always the possibility of relapse, so life isn't wine and roses. I am cautiously optimistic.

I don't want to give new posters the impression that there is a lot of hope. If I had come here 10 years ago and read that SAs can recover, I probably would have latched onto the idea and co-dependently tried to nag and change him. That would not have worked. All the nagging and investigating and his white knuckling never made a difference until he hit absolute rock bottom. The fact is, most SA's will not recover. And if they are attempting recovery to appease a spouse or to save a marriage, the chances of recovery are nil, because they will get angry or disappointed in their spouse and justify acting out again.

So, no, I never give advice to stay married. The best thing I ever did for both of us was to separate after the last d-day. I think separation from a SA is a win-win. They will either buckle down and work on recovery or they won't and you will be moving on with your life.

No one is "stifling" me from discussing reconciliation with a SA, but I don't feel it should be the focus of this thread. That is why you won't find me posting tons of ecstatic posts about reconciliation.

However, if you would really like to know, I think that this was the best Christmas we have ever had. My H bought me gifts that were thoughtful (in the past he hardly ever bought me presents and usually they were very impersonal and like an afterthought) and gave me a very nice card with a letter in it. Our children opened presents with us and included their father in family time (although they did not give him any presents or call him dad, because they never do anymore). They accepted the laptops that we jointly gave them (they generally do not accept gifts from him) and even said thank you. Our youngest child (17) actually went to midnight mass with us. That was the first time we had went to church in years. So, obviously we have a LONG ways to go in my dysfunctional family. The fact that this was light years better than almost all of our Christmas times in the last 20 years says a lot, doesn't it?

Oh, and as an addendum, I have been a workaholic for years, so this was the first Christmas in over 5 years that I didn't work at least part of it. Even when they called for triple time, I turned it down.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 5:32 AM, December 26th (Wednesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath,

I saw your post, and wanted to let you know that I am going to send you a pm. Hugs.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
sodeeplysaddened
♀ Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I LOVE this forum, I do more lurking than anything but it helps me not to feel alone. I still don't know if we will D, S or R - so I like hearing everyone's perspective! I don't want people to feel they need to filter what they think here - I know I have to do that too much IRL!

I wanted to echo what someone else stated:

I find myself suffering from the detachment that afflicted my SAfWH. I am protecting myself from future harm by not letting him close. Not good for either of us. Once again, not an easy answer.

Does anyone ever let down these walls again? As I stated earlier, I am definately in limbo, so for me it is important for my walls to stay up as my own safetly measure.

As far as a post nup goes -- I make much more than my husband, I have all the retirement money (he'd get 1/2) and I carry the insurance. Would I want to do a post nup to protect my earnings? He already has stated he'll do what it takes for me to keep the house and I will have full physical custody. Thoughts?


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


Posts: 246 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: In R.
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know a couple of the SA spouses read the drama I had over the weekend with my WH. My gut says he has SA traits - he just hasn't been diagnosed. I'd like to get feedback from other spouses on whether this sounds like SA behavior and what you might have done in response.

I've gone to a couple of S-Anon meetings and am working on codependency issues, but really a newbie at it. The other members' spouses are in treatment whereas mine isn't - so it's a little hard to related with them. My WH REFUSES any IC, so who knows what going on with him. He also has issues with alcohol, which his drinking has increased in the past year.

Saturday night we were both drinking - I've been joining him as a way to "connect with him", but honestly I can't keep up with him as he drinks hard liquor like whiskey and scotch. We were talking about his return after being briefly separated and he told me he really didn;t want ot come back. I triggered really badly and immediately threatened to leave. I started the drama (also alcohol enhanced) - and trust me, I was very dramatic. He gets in my car and speeds off. He goes to a store and buys himself an new outfit and heads to a night club that caters to women that he likes (a different race that he fantasizes about when he looks at porn and targets on dating sites). He went there for a couple of hours, then because it was dead, he went to a strip club. After a while he returned to that club abd finally rolled in at 2 AM. When he got home he laided in to me that it was my fault he had to go out, etc. It was all my fault...

So does this sound like SA acting out? I had no idea what the best reponse was. I still don't know what to do about it. He still blames me and doesn't see anything wrong at all about his reaction.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sodeeplysaddened,

I am not completely familiar with your story, so forgive me if I am missing out on key points, but I will try to respond to your post.

Does anyone ever let down these walls again? As I stated earlier, I am definately in limbo, so for me it is important for my walls to stay up as my own safetly measure.

If you are in "limbo" and your last d-day was pretty recent, is your WH in treatment with a CSAT and 12 step? Why do you feel that you need to let your guard down at this point? Right now your focus needs to be on you and your healing. You do not have any responsibility to him. You did not cause his SA and you cannot cure it. If he is not engaging in recovery for himself, it will not succeed anyways. You owe him no obligation to let your walls down, and at this juncture it would be ill advised.

As far as a post nup goes -- I make much more than my husband, I have all the retirement money (he'd get 1/2) and I carry the insurance. Would I want to do a post nup to protect my earnings? He already has stated he'll do what it takes for me to keep the house and I will have full physical custody. Thoughts?

If it is legal in your state (check with your L), GET THE POSTNUP!!!! Strike while the iron is hot and he is feeling remorse/regret. Addicts are notorious assholes, and right now while he is feeling guilty is the time to hammer this stuff out. Protect yourself and your children. I do not regret getting a postnup. I make more $ than my H as well, but he carries benefits and has a larger retirement account. Our postnup is very generous to me, although once our youngest turns 18, I would probably not enforce it if we were to divorce at this point, because I don't feel that I need everything that was allocated to me.

The bottom line is to work on YOU and protect yourself. Keep reading and learning about SA and work on IRL support as well.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is obvious from your posts that you are still in an immense amount of pain. I am in no way trying to stifle you from speaking about your own pain and experience. I would like those wishing to talk about their reconciliation not to be stifled, either. That's all I mean

This just made me cringe.


Just because someone does not reconcile with a SA does not make them a failure or invalidate their experiences.

Hi Compartmented, thanks for these words - I'm very happy to know that you continue to do well - you deserve it. It's interesting to read this because I believe that divorcing a SA is admirable. It makes them a winner, rather than a failure. And in my heart, I have to admit that I don't find reconciling with a SA admirable unless the SA really does a lot of work and is fully committed to recovery. Otherwise, it's just weakness, particularly if there is a pattern of this sort of relationship. I believe that everyone deserves more in life than marriage to an addict. And if children are involved, the stakes are much higher, and I believe that children need to be protected in every possible way.

So I think it's time for me to move on full-time to the S&D thread - and unfortunately the NPD thread! . I hope all newbies can take their time and go back and read the old SA threads - I just read through them quickly and learned so much all over again.

Also, I dug up the old unofficial list of rules for dealing with a SA:

If your H is verbally or physically abusive, get the hell out RIGHT NOW. Don't ever go back.

If your H has NPD or another borderline personality disorder, get out NOW. Don't ever go back.

If he is not in active recovery, get out NOW. You can always come back, but get out now.

If your husband thinks that he only needs to follow SOME boundaries, then he is not in any sort of recovery. Get out NOW. By staying, you are enabling him, you aren't letting him hit rock bottom, and you aren't protecting yourself.

If you think your husband "isn't as bad" as some other SAs, you are probably in denial or you don't have all the information.

Don't bring children into the world under these circumstances.

All the snooping in the world won't stop your spouse's SA. You cannot control his actions. Even if you try to control him 24/7, an addict will find a way to act out. So stop giving up you life to control HIS life.

And even if you are the most beautiful, thin, fit, sexy, brilliant, funny woman in the entire world, he will still act out. Because the acting out has NOTHING to do with you.

And always always take care of yourself first.


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issaquah,

I know a couple of the SA spouses read the drama I had over the weekend with my WH

Yes, I have read your posts. I don't usually bother to respond, because does it truly matter if your WH is a SA or a purple alien? You must be getting something out of the "drama" because you keep feeding into it. You have a Masters in counseling, right? I guess I don't understand the game you are playing.

Why are you drinking with him? Why are you trying to "connect" with him?

Saturday night we were both drinking - I've been joining him as a way to "connect with him", but honestly I can't keep up with him as he drinks hard liquor like whiskey and scotch. We were talking about his return after being briefly separated and he told me he really didn;t want ot come back. I triggered really badly and immediately threatened to leave. I started the drama (also alcohol enhanced) - and trust me, I was very dramatic. He gets in my car and speeds off.

I see a lot of problems with this. If he was already drinking heavily and sped off in your car, why did you not call the police and advise them that he was drinking and driving?

At this point, whether or not he was acting out as a SA is irrelevant. You mention that he has "traits" of SA (minimizing) and you rugswept about the prostitute "rolling" him. My H always knew where to find prostitutes. None of them ever just walked up to him and propositioned him and stole his wallet.

Until you are ready to make a change for yourself you will just lather, rinse, and repeat the drama. Be honest with yourself about why you are doing this. I know you have a special needs son and that is one of the reasons you say you are staying, but behaving in this way (drinking with the WH and engaging in big dramatic fights) is not supportive of him, either.

Yes, you are stuck on a co-dependent cycle. You cannot change him, but you can choose to change yourself.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH,

It's interesting to read this because I believe that divorcing a SA is admirable. It makes them a winner, rather than a failure. And in my heart, I have to admit that I don't find reconciling with a SA admirable unless the SA really does a lot of work and is fully committed to recovery. Otherwise, it's just weakness, particularly if there is a pattern of this sort of relationship. I believe that everyone deserves more in life than marriage to an addict. And if children are involved, the stakes are much higher, and I believe that children need to be protected in every possible way.

I agree wholeheartedly, and I wish I would have divorced my H many, many years ago, before my children were tainted with the realization of knowing that their dad was a SA and their mom a weak-willed co-dependent enabler who passively lived life under the shadow of SA and did nothing about it. Even though things are good for us now, I kick my own behind for staying for many years when it would have been healthier for me and them to leave.

I hope you (and NG) will still pop in here. The balance is desperately needed. Good luck with the ongoing divorce and battle. Another reason why I advocate postnups whenever possible.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of the posts directed towards me on here are too overtly hostile. I have been PMd by other's that also feel this group pushes divorce. I am not alone in this feeling but fortunately have great support IRL. If you want to hijack the thread, that is your right.

We just had the best Christmas we have had in probably 10 years. My life is going in the direction that is working for me and my family. Past friends have reemerged for me lately, a couple in recovery. The negativity about recovery on here is just astounding to me. It doesn't match the data or what I am experiencing IRL. So any other people reading this do not accept the information on here that only 5% of SAs recovery. The statistics are exactly the same as other addictions. It is in direct proportion to the amount of time they have been addicts. If they started young and are much older, these coping mechanisms are entrenched and treatment is harder. If they have NPD or are narcissists, recovery chances are extremely low. If they build a very strong recovery system, working with a CSAT, marital CSAT, SA, RCA, etc. All of these things have an influence.

I will no longer post in this thread, even though I have been the voice for a few people. If you read on other threads there are a lot of people married to SAs that don't post on here because of the negativity.

Wish you all well on your paths! Mine is not going to include such negativity.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooManyYears! I'm sorry, I confused you with Compartmented for a brief moment! (Sorry Compartmented!) I wish we all had little faces posted next to our fake names! I never forget a personal story, but I often confuse our online names.

Along these lines, I should also say that Ghost, Sabina, WS, Somer, Sager - I do often think of you all. Ghost, if you're out there, please PM me soon and let me know how you are doing.


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG - WTF happened to our group?! Everyone is leaving?!!!!

What is going on?!

I can't believe this - we are sisters bound together by SA, one of the most cruel things that can be inflicted on another person. As another SI member pointed out to me, unlike other addictions, SA is something that our spouses carry with them ALWAYS. Unlike alcohol or drugs, which is physically outside the self, SAs can look at anyone at any time and have sex with them in their minds - so much more difficult to verify/know about. It is a special kind of torture.

Where else can I discuss checking my H's dirty underwear for semen stains or learn about what really happens in massage parlours, what a glory hole or Cleveland steamer is? Or the exquisite pain of being sexually rejected for years, having your youthful body left to wither and die sexually?

I appreciate everyone's opinion on here; love the diversity, love everyone. I hope we can put some of our differences/personal issues aside and continue to support each other - which is the whole point anyway. We're a "select" group and we need all of us to get through this.... one day at a time.

(((((SA spouses - whether R or D or limbo or in between)))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not leaving. I read here daily. I practice the Al-Anon adage of take what you like and leave the rest. I know I don't have answers, but I do have hugs for people experiencing the horrible pain. Any time my experience could be helpful, I'll try and offer it up. I don't advocate divorce or reconciliation....much too personal of a decision for us all. I have respect for the difficult position we are each in.

No forum is perfect for me. I wish there was something somewhere for how to heal with the residual damage to our psyches, though.

{{{{ Hugs to everyone }}}}


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Compartmented. I respect & learn from all the different viewpoints, various stages & ultimate choices. I may not post much, as I'm new to all this & still learning, but I read (& lurk) often. I'm not leaving either!


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I have read your posts. I don't usually bother to respond, because does it truly matter if your WH is a SA or a purple alien? You must be getting something out of the "drama" because you keep feeding into it. You have a Masters in counseling, right? I guess I don't understand the game you are playing.

It does matter to me if he's a SA. I guess because some how that would make me feel better, that his cheating isn't my fault. That our M was fine and he just has a problem and needs help. I am trying to make sense of what has been going on. I'm not trying to minimize when I say he has SA traits. He hasn't been diagnosed so I don't feel comfortable saying he's a SA.

I don't know what you mean about playing a game? I do hear what you're saying about feeding into the drama, I can't answer what I'm getting out of it though. And yes, I do have a MA in Counseling. I haven't worked in years and to be honest am freaked out about going back to work in that field - as it's pretty obvious that I have no business doing that type of work right now.

I am trying to look at the codependent behaviors, they are really hard to break free from.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a few questions,

What is your opinion about the fact that SAWH and I are separated and he has alone time with the kids? Would I be able to protect them better if we were all living together?

He does lie, he is showing a fake front, reading the bible, stopped drinking is high up in the church. When he isn't trying to destroy me, he is a good father.

My kids are currently suffering with bringing things back and forth between houses and he is living in the house and I am renting. They cling to him because that's their childhood home. They don't consider my rented place their home.

Another poster on another thread said there was alot of fighting in their house with her SA, she stayed for the kids and they are now grown. Although there was fighting, she was able to "protect" the children.

I also see my financial future as he makes a lot more than me and I was definitely more comfortable when we were together.

SAWH has stated that my mindset will not change and that a polygraph wouldnt change that and that he has already given full disclosure. Folks, he had a PA, was on porn sites that I found. He is in weekly individual counseling, but I think he's lying to the counselor. Its a regular counselor, not a CSAT. An early counselor told me when he gave me the book deceived to read is that my SAWH is not compulsive.

What say you?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to through my hat in this ring so to speak. My WH hasn't been officially diagnosed as anything. As a matter of fact he is having his first IC with a regular C in a few weeks. But now that I've said that I will say that I lurk and read here often. You all give me much to think about. You all understand the pain I am going through with a serial cheating WH. I appreciate this forum so much and am sad to see all the fighting. I know that what is right for me may not be right for others. And likewise at some point down the road I may have to change my plan and will glean advice then too. Hugs to all of you!


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.