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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's GREAT that NG wrote to let everyone know that it's OKAY to leave. That you don't have to twist yourself into a pretzel all day trying to figure out how to force an addict into treatment. Instead you can say, ENOUGH. I want out. I want a normal life.

NG, that's about the LEAST co-dependent thing I've read in ages.

Q-Vee, the people in real life probably care about you a great deal and want the best for you. I know it's very difficult though. Even now, though I'm divorcing, I hate having people know too much about what STBX has done.

MissyMomma, this has never been a place where people could not express their opinions and concerns. Or where they are afraid to write something because they will be called names. This is what has made this board so useful - people tell the truth, even if it's sometimes uncomfortable.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or where they are afraid to write something because they will be called names.

I don't think I or anyone else called anyone names. I did say that being supportive of other people's choices is appropriate. I am supportive of your right to divorce and I would expect you to be supportive of my right to stay married. It is different when someone comes on here and asks for input.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, it's late and I need to go to sleep. But you did interpret someone else's post as being co-dependent. And it was wrong for you to do so.

And no one questioned your decision to remain married. And no one has even questioned why you married two sex addicts.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you need to reread what I said. I said that unsolicited telling people what they should do is a co-dependent trait. I also said I am as guilty of that as anyone. Are we not all codependents on here?

I have delved in therapy as to why I married 2 addicts. It is something I had worked on before I had married this one. He was a dry addict when we married. Displayed some of the characteristics but wasn't using anything. Unfortunately, I had stopped going to CODA for the 2 years prior to marrying. It just goes to show you that our healing is also a life long process. The odd thing with me is that I have had a couple of long term boyfriends that weren't addicts. It is the ones I choose to marry that are addicts. This would be because my mother was a religious addict. The sex addict part comes in because I was sexually assaulted as a teenager. This causes me to pick out people that I am not intimate with to marry. I don't typically come on here to talk about that part of things, that is what therapy and 12 step is for.

I am sorry that you took such great offense by me saying something. I also don't care to have someone tell me what I should do. If I am having a hard time deciding whether to stay married and ask for that input, then it seems warranted. That is a boundary for me and I just wanted to support that it seemed like a boundary that Q-vee was putting out there.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see it's very important for you to have the last word, MM. But please remember that your story is not the same story as mine - at all.

My children and I are leaving for our Christmas vacation with our family. I hope that everyone here can find some happiness and peace over the holidays.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't need to discuss this any further. We all have different stories. That is why we should respect each others choices. I do love a good debate, that is definitely true! As I said, I am sorry if I offended you.

Have a happy holiday! Enjoy yourself and your family.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Yeah, I think it is a good thing to remind ourselves from time to time we always have the choice to leave. We do not HAVE to stay. And that we CANNOT control it, cure it, etc. that is all on the SA. The drive to and through recovery has to come from the SA himself/herself. As is the drive for us as spouses to heal and recover has to come from within ourselves. We tend to forget some or all of this from time to time.

I think too many spouses deny themselves the therapy and support they need because they think they can only afford it for the addict. I say Bah! The spouse is more likely to move forward than the addict, IMHO, with the right support. So they should get first dibs on therapy $. And often, that is what finally drives the addict to recovery, seeing the spouse recover and heal...and quite possibly move on if they don't get their shit together.

But of course while we always have the choice to leave, I think there is value in leaving at the most opportune time. One should get their ducks in a row first whenever possible. Not at the risk of their health and safety, of course, but you do the very best with what you have and what you can do.

That is where I am at. I have to prepare as if we will eventually go forward with D. I'm really hoping we can recover from recent and ongoing events, but the chance is slim at best. It's not something I can control. But what I CAN control is putting myself and my children in the best position possible if/when we do. And that is something all spouses deserve to do for themselves.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said Hath! You're sounding very strong

I think everyone here continues to hold one another in the light. We just have to resist letting the Holiday madness make us Now off to finish shopping, baking, cleaning...... Hugs to all!


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*********(((((((Spouses and friends))))))))***********

I haven't been here a lot lately. Not sure if that's a good thing or not! Things haven't changed too much. We are going to MC with my IC, as we both didn't want to start over with a brand new person. She's good. Not a CSAT, but very well acquainted with addictions. And she knows me, but can be impartial. I don't really need someone "on my side" as I just want to heal, no matter what that takes.

That said, I just want to comment on the last conversation. SA does such a number on our heads. And sex addicts are so good at twisting us up in all directions so that we often don't know our own on thoughts, feelings or motivations. Add to that the FOO issues that most of us deal with and you have quite a mess.

We are all in the process of figuring it all out. Deciding to leave, stay, or somewhere in between. And there are some many extenuating circumstances for all of us. There's rarely a simple answer, except for those unfortunate enough to be in danger.

I find myself suffering from the detachment that afflicted my SAfWH. I am protecting myself from future harm by not letting him close. Not good for either of us. Once again, not an easy answer.

I won't presume to give any of you advice. I will suggest things I have done, and hope that my experiences or ideas, or insights help you. And I listen to all of you, and your experiences and insights help me navigate my demons. You are my companions in this horrible sisterhood. We may not always agree, but we are here for one another, no matter what decisions we make. It has to be that way. No one who hasn't walked this walk knows what it's like.

Have a safe and serene holiday, my Christmas celebrating friends...

XOXOSK


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think separation & divorce needs to be discussed openly here, without fear of offending the reconciliation camp. Considering the stunningly low odds of a SA reaching recovery, a SA spouse should not rule out S/D. I think that spouses like CH & I have very valuable stories & perspectives to offer because we HAVE chosen to go the S/D route I think that there are probably lots of spouses who read but never post, and it's a complete disservice, and in some cases no doubt dangerous, to have this forum be so incredibly dominated by reconciliation-only messages.

Successful reconciliation with a recovered SA is a rare thing. A very rare thing. Refusing to allow me or CH to openly discuss S/D is illogical. You can't prevent something or make the possibility go away by ignoring it.

If there is no room in this forum for CH & I, and indeed it seems that way to me, then there needs to be two forums, one for those who choose to reconcile and one for those who have to S/D. I have many problems that are unique to divorcing a perverted SA. Yet I cannot come here, the spouses of SA forum, to discuss them or get any smidgeon of support. Does that make sense to anyone? I have to use PM's to get support. And that just makes things worse for the next spouse who needs to learn about divorcing a SA, because there's very little here that is of help. A spouse who is divorcing does not need to read page after page after page about finding CSAT's and polygraphs and looking for signs of remorse or change or abstinence. We're past all that. But we're not past the SA because we have to find a way to protect our children from the SA. There's great advice in the S/D forum, but most of the good people there have no experience dealing with SA.

I'm greatly saddened that me pointing out that S/D is an option, an OPTION, has turned into this rag-fest. I only wish that I would have had someone tell me that when I was still in the thick of the pain. I only wish that someone had been around to talk plain to me.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first came to SI, some pointed me to the NPD section, and some pointed me to the Spouses of SA section. I was in denial for much of my marriage. I denied I was affected by my X's daily drinking. Once I discovered his cheating, I wasn't in denial about that, but I was in denial about the fact that I was in an abusive marriage. I have a new-found respect for how thick denial can be. I ended up having to go for a week-long intensive outpatient therapy session to get the courage to leave.

The abuse was what I was the most clueless about, but even with the SA, I clung too long to the hope that it could be helped if he would try. I looked in vain for any shred of remorse. It was during those times that reading the SA spouses thread was my lifeline. I was able to compare what others wrote about their spouses' efforts and see that mine was doing absolutely none of it. I didn't post a lot because I was afraid of what I would hear if the truth were written out.

This whole thing has been an incredibly difficult journey for me. I see others posting and when I see a bit of my situation in what they write, I try to share my experience. This is a complicated thing, and I'm grateful for all of the postings I read here.

{{{{{ SA Spouses }}}}}


Posts: 1056 | Registered: Aug 2010
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Refusing to allow me or CH to openly discuss S/D is illogical. You can't prevent something or make the possibility go away by ignoring it.

Nature, I am so sorry if that was the message you were getting from me. I certainly feel you have the right to discuss your divorce and the trauma you are going through. I absolutely support yours and anyone else's right to divorce. I also support the right for me and others to stay married. It is the unsolicited advice to divorce that bothers me. I have never seen unsolicited advice to stay married, KWIM. It is obvious from your posts that you are still in an immense amount of pain. I am in no way trying to stifle you from speaking about your own pain and experience. I would like those wishing to talk about their reconciliation not to be stifled, either. That's all I mean.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.k. for a totally different topic. Everyone in my house is sick. The kids are on tamiflu and will hopefully be well enough tomorrow. I am still not doing well but after a few days in bed have got to get some things done today, no matter how badly I feel. My oldest DD had to change her flight back a day because her BF started vomiting yesterday. Just hoping we can all be well for a good Christmas!

So, since I will be busy until then - Merry Christmas an Happy Holidays! Hope we can all pull together a nice enough Christmas (for those that celebrate it).


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy holidays!

I don't think anyone is pushing anyone out of the thread. I think we all know we are at different points on the same timeline. Some of us never reach the far end, but we know it is entirely possible. I like that this thread has so many POV and so many different perspectives and experiences. If I hadn't found SI, I wouldn't have know what SA is. If I hadn't found this thread, I wouldn't have come this far in my healing and progress. If I didn't have this thread to find the support I needed locally, I would have never known how bad his SA is and how much it has affected me and my family, and thus prevented as much damage and fallout as I have discovered.

I hope NG and CH don't choose to leave, because their POVs and experiences have really helped me prepare for the worst case scenario (which sadly if a lot more likely now). But I totally understand if it is painful for them to read newbie stuff here now and that they may need a break. It happens in SI all the time, the old timers have periods they can't look at JFO at all for example. And there a lot of people with similar situations and POVs to them in the S&D thread, so if you need divorcing an SA/personality disordered spouse support, there are TONS of them over there to learn from. Many of them used to post here and are now in a place in their life they just post there. I highly recommend checking it out, because you can get valuable info from SA spouses who have endured it all and are now in the difficult position of S&D.

FWIW, I never thought this was a predominantly reconciliation thread. I have always seen it as a predominantly limbo thread, LOL. Limbo because either we don't have all the info to make the best decisions right now. or we have enough info but are still processing and making decisions, or we are trying to leave and the SA is making it exceedingly complicated. To me that is all limbo, not R or S/D. But I've always viewed S-Anon and my group that way too.

Be kind to yourselves this holiday. Holding you all in the light!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I started this whole mess, so let me see if I can clear things up.

NG, it was never my intent to make you feel unwelcome here. I'm sorry if my comments upset you. I was just trying to share my perspective on your post. You stated that divorce should be considered as an option. And I was just trying to say, "Don't worry"--at least from me because its something I think about everyday. And if other people are anything like me, they're thinking about it constantly too. It's just very hard sometimes to constantly think about and be reminded of when you're just trying to make it through your day. I think what you said just triggered me that day, as I was already feeling very overwhelmed.

So again, I apologize for upsetting you.

((Hugs to all SA spouses))


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love hearing from everyone on this thread, love all of you! What a strong bunch of women we are!

Holding you all in the light and wishing all at least a shred of peace at Christmastime.

P.S. Just for a little comic relief, my anger is coming out (tomorrow is my first Dday antiversary) and I feel like beating the sh*t out of my WH with a baseball bat - do you think that will make for a peaceful Christmas? Pray for peace and compassion for me.... at least for another day.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say that this forum is so very valuable to me. I am getting a divorce, but I wasn't when I came here to SI a few years back.

Each of your individual experiences has touched me greatly.

I wish everyone a fantastic holiday season and many good things in the coming New Year!

Hugs to you all.....torn


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is obvious from your posts that you are still in an immense amount of pain

This is not the first time this has been said to me when I try to voice my experience or advocate for the freedom to discuss divorce here. Even when it's wrapped with other words, I recognize this kind of phase and how it's used. I find it very minimizing & dismissive. Thanks.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, December 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi!!

I got texted today that I am an old prude. If he said old prune I would have been offended, but old prude, whatever! I texted him back,

what was this syringe I found in your box of porn when you left that had tubing attached to it? You didn't put it in THERE did you? If I am a prude for not wanting that then yep, prude is me!!!!

So, what I have learned here is that my XH is on some sort of other dimension with the OW. She is a drug dealer and her vagina is the drug.

Do these types of people usually get dumped by this freak and then just go on to the next freak they can find? I was deep in denial for my whole marriage about his sex addiction, now I see it as something wrong with him way before I ever met him!

Merry Christmas!
Let's hope in the next few months I learn to delete the texts and not respond, but I have been quiet for so long and taking the high road, it felt great this time to respond to dumb ass....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1707 | Registered: Jan 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ladies. Things are hectic in NEMfamily but we're getting through as always. I hope you all experienced peace and joy this Christmas.

I seriously appreciate every single opinion on this thread, all of you. I am still in limbo and hearing all sides of this is so valuable to me. And yes I do need a gentle reminder sometimes that D is an option. When I came to SI, it was absolutely not an option because to me that meant failure. I was not in a healthy place. Now, I'm still not in a healthy place, but I am healthier and I realize that D is a possible outcome here. And the important thing for me at the moment is to make an informed and well thought out decision, whatever that may be. I did not have all the facts when I decided to get M. For that I can't fault myself, and I know I was making the best decision I could at the time with the facts I had. Now I just need to fully explore all of this as I work on healing and getting healthy. Your experiences along this journey help me. And remind me that I'm not alone.

Thank you all. (((SA Spouses)))


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
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