am so confused about my SAWH therapy. He said there wasn't any talk about abstinence, he didn't know what "inner circles" were referring to, etc. Someone said these were red flags for her SAWH prior councelor. I will talk to my husband about my speaking with his CSAT.
That was me. This was after a few months of therapy. Hasn't your SAWH just started? I would ask the CSAT how many clients they have treated. How many disclosures that they have facilitated. Just to get an idea of how much experience the CSAT has. How long has he been certified as a CSAT. Certification as a CSAT is a year long process. My CSAT has years of experience and treated addicts before SAs. She works at a treatment center for SA. I love her! I also love the MC CSAT that she sent us to. And so far I am very impressed with the new IC CSAT my husband is seeing, both of the other CSATs recommended him. It is a small community and they all know each other.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 2:03 PM, December 21st (Friday)]
I am at a crossroads. I just went to breakfast with WH. He says, "you don't believe me". In other words, that he didnt do anything. He has only admitted to what I found.
How did you get to the place of him want to go to a CSAT. If bring that up, all I get is anger. The bad thing is that when I am with him like today, its like the man I married. That's who I fell in love with. Terrible.
Is your SAWH not miserable? Does he want to save his marriage? If so, then he needs to go to a CSAT and SA. Is he under the illusion that in another marriage he won't have these problems?
He is pretending to be different if he hasn't done the work to change. He is "hoovering" you.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 2:34 PM, December 21st (Friday)]
I know this because I have been at a session and watched it myself. Listened to what he thought happened and was said, totally different than what I saw and heard. I also know that the therapists go slow for a reason, because there is no benefit to doing certain therapy work they are not ready to receive. This applies to YOU too. You should be seeing a CSAT that works with spouses as well, and getting their perspectives on your sitch.
The center both our therapists work at does workshops and group therapy for both the SAs and the spouses. I highly recommend both if those options are available to you. I am currently in a group therapy with five other women that took the seminar, did the preliminary group therapy, and we have been meeting a year and you cannot imagine the progress we all have made. All of us, our spouse did the seminar and initial group therapy, but not all continued with the group therapy, or chose different recovery options, and you can really see the difference in where they are in their recovery by the choices they made.
But right now you only need to worry about YOU. Because you can do all the right things for you and him, find and be the best support he could have, plan for every contingency and take every advantage to your and his recovery...and he may still bomb out on you. You need to only worry about how YOU are going to recover. Because in the end you can only control you and what you can do.
Yes, this is new to him. He had an IC but after this last time I told him CSAT! He told me it is different and he is just now beginning to see how this will better for him even though he liked his IC.
married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R
Can I see his CSAT or do I need someone completely different?
Your own that specializes in spouses of SAs.
Issa, if I were you, I'd definitely try to get your H into a polygraph.
I'm so sorry you triggered, Hath.
Torn2Bits, SAs are very good at projecting their anger. Remember, the cycle of addition has 4 basic phases: Anticipation/Preoccupation, Ritualization, Acting Out, Shame/Despair. When an addict gets caught, he/she of course already feels shitty for what they've done, but now feels even worse for being caught. But it's hard to be consistently mad and shameful of one's self, so the addict projects the anger at one's self onto the spouse. You're the bitch because you're making him deal with things that are unpleasant that he doesn't know how to control.
A good show to watch is A & E's Intervention. It doesn't matter what an addict is addicted to, the process is the same. On that show you'll see some crack addict talking to his/her mother. They're all sweet to the mom because, well, it's their mom...but as soon as mom brings up "Honey, you're smoking too much crack", they just lose it on their mom. Replace crack with "sex" and mom with "wife" and it's the same damn thing.
I agree with Missy. An addict can only be headed to recovery once they are miserable. If they're still trying to manage the misery through acting out or blaming others, they aren't there yet.
Hath is right, too. All you can do is worry about you.
The Good: The world didn't end. Chanukah is over. My H took a battery of assessments at the psych's office on Thursday, and he is not an NPD. Does have a couple tendencies though, like the KISA thing. My H cleaned the house so I didn't have to.
The Bad: Since the world didn't end, I still have to deal with my H's recovery. I still have a cold.
The Ugly: SA. The impulsivity my H constantly struggles against.
I want to crawl in a hole.
Yesterday his CSAT says he needed an evaluation from a CSAT specialist that deals with people who have more difficult boundary issues. Basically to explore if it is an area that needs more intensive therapy or not.
He told me the name of the therapist. I know who it is. He is the one they send the SAs that have been busted with child porn, or have had predatory records or possible predatory tendencies (not necessarily toward children). He does not know that, I don't think. I know who it is because other spouses I have spoken with have talked about him in regards to their SA. Some were sent off with his blessing to continue regular SA therapy with their regular CSAT. Some have not.
I wanna barf. This is not what I wanted to hear right before Christmas. I know that it could just be CYA because he failed the poly and one of my questions were about the kids. But if I have learned anything from this whole experience, it just means there is more shit I don't know.
Sack of suck.
QVee - At least he isn't an NPD. Hopefully he will have a strong recovery. Being sick makes it tough to deal with. Hope you feel better soon!
Hath - Oh, that is scary! You have been through so much lately. Take good care of yourself.
Wantreallove - We had very bad luck with regular IC, they didn't diagnose him for years. And we were seeing a "specialist" in sexuality. Personally, I would be insistent of a CSAT. One that has a lot of experience. Just seems the other is a waste of time and money, potentially causing more problems.
Hope everyone has a decent holiday, maybe even a good time.
It doesn't matter what an addict is addicted to, the process is the same. On that show you'll see some crack addict talking to his/her mother. They're all sweet to the mom because, well, it's their mom...but as soon as mom brings up "Honey, you're smoking too much crack", they just lose it on their mom. Replace crack with "sex" and mom with "wife" and it's the same damn thing.
Amen. Many of you might remember that I am dealing with my DS#1 who signed himself into rehab for alchohol addiction last February. And while he is doing well, addiction is so hard to beat. He isn't drinking. He also isn't working, although he did take a class and did well. His disability ran out, he is on unemployment and he is working to get his license reactivated. He's not hurrying. It's all a process. But I realized that he has another addiction. Isolation. He loves his isolation. He lives here. So I see how he hides in his room. So I confronted him, (not angrily, I just told him that I recognized it and that he didn't need me to to say it to him) about it today. And he's pissed at me. Oh well.
Addiction is the same no matter what the substance. And it sucks.
I see a lot of you here twisting yourself into knots trying to go along & be a "good wife" when your gut is clearly screaming at you to get the hell out. I just want to assure you it truly is okay to decide at some point that you've had enough and stop.
Thanks for the support from both you and Missy.
Nature Girl: No one but me is making me stay. I'm taking this time to get my shit together and work on me. I don't have an abusive SA, I don't have children, and I'm not being put in any danger. I use this forum because I need to talk to people who are also trying to R with their SAs. IRL, people just don't understand what I'm going through. They say that you can take as much time as you need to make a decision about whether to stay or divorce, and I am. If and when I decide to divorce, I'll move over to that thread. I just want to given the time to see what happens and make my own decisions. I get enough people IRL telling me what to do.
I don't think anyone on here doesn't realize that they can divorce. In actuality I'd say that part of the stress of having an SA is the fact that most of us are constantly thinking about whether to stay or divorce.
I use this forum because I need to talk to people who are also trying to R with their SAs.
Q-Vee, gentle reminder here: this is not a reconciliation thread. This is a thread for spouses and partners of sex addicts. There are many different posters here, in all stages of dealing with a SA. Some just found out, some have stayed for years with the SA, some are separating, and some are divorced. All of them, especially the ones who have been dealing with this for a long time, have something important to add.
Most spouses of SAs are co-dependent and afraid to leave the SA. I have been there myself, though I would not admit it at the time. And they are very defensive when anyone suggests leaving as a real possibility. And that's exactly WHY people like NG suggest it. You CAN leave if you want. You can be on your own. And you can perhaps someday find a healthy partner who treats you well and makes you healthy.
Because, really, we can talk for months about the quality of CSATS, but that is just a distraction from the real problems: Why did we marry sex addicts? Or men with multiple addictions? Why do we put up with it? Why do we let people lie to us? Why are we still living in the same house with these guys? Why are we afraid to tell people IRL the whole truth about what our husbands have done? Why don't we deserve a better life, like everyone else?
We used to hold each other in the light on this thread. I miss it. If we can not stand out in the light and tell the truth about ourselves and our husbands and our marriages and be willing to examine them and let people share their thoughts and try to help, then there's no hope. We're just spinning our wheels.
Where I do think it is important to speak up is if someone is putting themselves in danger. At times it is hard to see that we are in danger and need others to let us know.
I guess IRL, I just feel so bombarded. I have people telling me to stay, people telling me to go, people who don't want to speak to me anymore because they don't understand what's happening. And then there are those that I can't tell. And then in my head there's the constant lurking question: stay or go? This is the ONLY safe place for me, for us. I just want to keep it that way.
(((Hugs to all)))