[This message edited by hathnofury at 10:29 AM, December 17th (Monday)]
then I need to figure out how I am going to make income when all three kids go to school full time starting next year.
That's where I am right now. It's very difficult but at least it's something that I can sort of control, unlike the SA.
How are you doing? Just checking on you. This is a crisis and please try to be strong. Please make your self safe.
N&N and QVee
I believe that honesty in all aspects should be the number one criteria in forming boundaries. By doing what they did just shows that they have no intentions on being honest and by that not respecting the boundary.
Welcome to SI. It is a great support.It is one of the best places to be in this worst situation. I directed my husband to it and he said it gives him better understanding about what spouses go through. BTW my SAWH's CSAT did not mention anything about abstinence but he has not acted out since past 5 months.
I feel for you. Some days I also want to throw away this whole SA thing out of my life. I want to throw away all the books too. Now I find myself spending all my time reading about SA. Before the DDday I was a carefree suburban young mom who loved to enjoy life with her preschooler and now I avoid taking her to play dates because I am tiered of wearing this fake mask.
Sometimes when I am in a cynical mode, I feel this whole SA theory is made up and is an excuse to immoral behaviors. Therapists are building their practice on this issue which not even a confirmed diagnosis. I too feel like my adult life was a total waste. I can not ever forgive him for bringing so much dirt in my life. I also feel like I would never know how a happy marriage would feel like.
It is scary and lonely and I am grieving, but I just need peace and sanity in my life.
NandN, I am thinking about you - my SAWH took all the money from our joint account 3 days after I discovered his online activity and PA, and before I confronted him. So I know how it feels - terrifying, poisoned by adrenaline. I hope you are hanging in there.
In my case I guess I was lucky, if you call having a SAWH who is also an incredible dumb*ss lucky. He claimed he transferred the funds "by accident" and moved them back the next week. That was the end of joint checking. My paycheck now goes to an account he cannot access.
Hath - Nice to hear from you. How are things progressing for you? Sounds like you are ready to call an end to it too.
Stabbed - Totally agree on the back and forth about it being an "addiction" and not just a huge moral failing!
Aim - Good that you are meeting with the CSAT on Friday. Hopefully you will get good info.
We had MC today and it went well. I am most impressed with this CSAT. She absolutely understands my frustration that it is more like just a couple of months into recovery, not a year and a half. Because SAWH is not really deep in recovery, he is just starting.
Hugs to us all.
Numb and all, my SA was doing exactly what Nature girls SA did/does. Cut me off financially and has ruined my credit (and his) while stomping on our children in the process. Anything to make me suffer for exposing him to the world!
All, I will echo what has been said, protect yourself and your children at all costs. Educate yourself, become self sufficient. I was lucky that I had my own career and could move out and support me and my children for 10 months with no help from SAWH. I am not living with him and he still is trying to control me, lies to me while portaying himself as a pastor in the church (double life).
I will follow thru with the divorce. He wants me to stop the divorce, just in time for him not to give me 1/2 the assets(pension/retirement).
A great poster here "too many years" taught me 2 years ago on this thread to take charge of my own life and not to waste years of MY life on someone who could care less about.
You have a life. Take care of YOU first.
Hugs to all.
You know...heaven forbid if he would have taken this seriously 2 years ago when the subject came up.....or even 3 fucking months ago when I gave him the number of a good CSAT. Oh, fuck no. He wants to wait until he gone and dug himself in there really good. Stupid, stubborn, knowitall, youcan'ttellmewhattodo, you'renotthebossofme mother.fucker.
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 5:37 PM, December 17th (Monday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
WH has finally truly admitted to his SA. He's gone on the SAA website and read everything there. He says it was truly eye opening. Keep in mind that he is a 21 year sober alcoholic so the 12 steps are nothing new to him. He's a HUGE believer.
My problem is though, that there are no SA groups on our island, nor are there any CSAT's. What kind of chance do we have with so little support?
He seems to FINALLY be taking this seriously and reading and talking to me about how he is feeling. He's verbalizing his sexual thought processes and letting me know when he's been triggered by something and how he self-talks himself out of the inappropriate thought process. He is using the same skillset he learned in his 18 active years in AA.
I want to be hopeful, but I am still so scared. After broken NC in October I know that I am close to my end with this. I won't hang on forever.
Again, what chance do we have without professional help and in person counseling?? Can a SA who truly wants to change do it via phone/online meetings?
((HUGS)) to you all. I've been following you all for a long time now.
Is there at least an IC with familiarity with addictions? It would be better that the run of the mill IC that thinks he/she is dealing with "regular" infidelity.
I would also call the Sanon phone number and see if there is a meeting somewhere in your state. Perhaps you could at least connect by phone with someone to whom you could talk when you need to IRL. Locations aren't listed on the web site for obvious meetings.
@gonna...so sorry you are joining us here...
Please don't give up or give in! I'll be 56 in 2 weeks.Yeah I too wasted the best years of my life on my SAWH.
But not anymore!! Somehow I dug myself out of the shit pit he dug for me. I (all SA spouses) deserve so much better than the shit we've been dealt. We did not ask for this life and we have to pick up the pieces... Sucks!!
But I'm not gonna let him destroy whats left of my life. We only get one and i'm not wasting any more of it.
I got a job, not gonna make me rich, but I love it, and I have everything I need and a few of the "wants" also.
I have a few really good friends whom I cherrish.We've been through all of the goodtimes and bad, we're each others rocks.
I have my girls,everyday!! It's not always sunshine and roses with a teenager and a young adult, but life is good.
As for another man, at this point, don't know, don't care.If it's meant to be it will and if not, thats ok too. I will be just fine.
If nothing else,I've learned my lessons too well. But I'm alot smarter and more self aware than ever.
My life may not have turned out as I had hoped. I certainly could have lived without all of this SA crap. It took time, alot of it, but i'm coming back into my own again, and life is good again.
I'll get off of my soapbox now.
Hugs to all of my SA sisters, we're a special, wonderful group. We deserve the best life has to offer, we've earned it!!
I'm sorry your H is such a douche, Hath, but you truly have done all you can, and with the immensity of sexual actions your H has engaged in, you've done an amazing job of taking care of yourself.
I'm glad MC went well, Missy. To you, and Gonna, I posted a couple of weeks or days (can't remember) ago about how long it takes for the SA to get around to admitting they have a problem. We went to MC for over a year before all of the stuff with my H came out. It really is super frustrating.
Gonna, I've followed some of your other posts before. Your H has had major fog for awhile.
My update: I'm struggling with this latest boundary crossing. It has made me go down into the dumps mentally again. I'm a person who easily gets depressed. However, I put my consequences into place, and I'm sort of excited. I have two weeks to wait until complete financial independence. And I still have access to HIS account. Guess he won't mind if I *borrow* a little money, eh?
Hugs and strength to Lastin, Stabbed, Aim, Numb, Cleo, and all spouses of SA.
Golden, thanks for the inspiration. I agree its never too late to take back your life and find happiness within!
I have a question that would sound insane to anyone who is not on this forum, Im sure. I noticed in my husbands underwear a small white shiny spot in each one. It looks like you know what. But wouldnt that only happen if one puts underwear on after ****? That doesnt occur just from normal "use" does it?
I guess Im wondering if he is masterbating.... which he "promises" he isnt. This is ridiculous to even have to think about.
Cheater, I agree AA is better than nothing and SA has TONS of phone meetings of all kinds, nothing like what little is available for us at S-Anon. And more and more CSATs are open to telephone/skype sessions for those in remote areas. The problem is getting into a CSAT's schedule at all, they are in short supply for the demand.
I am envious of those of you who have taken back your life 100%. Good job putting yourself first.
DP, I have no idea on the underwear. I stopped doing my husband's laundry years ago. It has always been my experience that discoloration in laundry is either a stain from food/chemicals, or from topical medications/etc.
Missy, I am not filing for divorce...yet. I still have a lot to do to get my ducks in a row, and I have the luxury that SAWH is whiteknuckling and trying to fix all the damage he's done, up his recovery stuff, etc. so I and the children are not at risk at the moment and don't have to move or force him out. So I will take this time to get myself in order and figure out long term plans with or without him. I have a little safety net so I can act on the fly if needed. But no matter how all this pans out, I have to be prepared for the worse case scenario. Which sucks.
Basically my greatest challenge will be how to start making income again after being a SAHM for 8 years, without compromising my availability for my kids. I already have a master's, so it would be difficult for me to do the go back to school on grants route. I have limited availability to work (no family to babysit, and childcare x3 is expensive), so that rules out most hourly jobs because they are so scarce here that people with more open schedules get the work. I can't work at the school or a daycare because I have a misdemeanor on my record from 25 years ago, so I would fail any background checks. It's difficult to get part time clerical or similar work here because they are scarce, and if I am truthful about my work history they think I am way overqualified and would bail at the first chance at a "real" job.
So my best chances are either to be self-employed, or find a small local company that doesn't do/need background checks that can't really afford someone of my skillset/experience, but would take a chance on me part time because they need it so badly. Which is all great in theory...except for in the summer I have three kids out of school for three months. So if I take a job earlier than fall, I will be lucky to break even until then. But it may be worth it to just be able to have a job at all.
As to your re-entering the workforce, is there a temp agency where you are? Getting on as a temp can be a good way to get back into the job market. Pretty much every temp job I ever did ended up offering me a full time position. I'd also think they would give you a chance to explain your misdemeanor and a lot of companies only look back 10 years. They are also more forgiving of misdemeanors than felonies. FWIW
You've probably already thought of all this. You are one of the most proactive and prepared people I've encountered. I am in awe of you.
((((HUGS)))) to everyone. Thanks again for the support.
Cheater, that's my one of my plans for the fall. I have had similar experiences in the past with temp agencies as well, but I need to have more availability to get anything more than a day here, a day the next week, etc. Those places work best when they have a hard position to fill, and you walk in right when they need somebody like you and you can work every day. I'm also considering looking into some sort of internship that would be willing to work with my limited availability now.
I'm worried about Numb. When I read her posts in S&D, I get sick to my stomach. I can't tell how much of it is colored by my own experience and how much of it just my gut. Seriously, I have never wanted to physically hurt my SAWH but hers I want to punch in the face. Sigh. I am more screwed up than I thought. Everyone send her prayers and goodvibes, she is going through some serious crap.
For those familiar with SA, do they have times when they are clean with out treatment? With addictions like alcohol, the addict cannot physically go without a drink, but I was wondering about the SA. While my WH was acting out this past year (which he also did 4 years ago - lasting about a year) he certainly presented like an SA. Compulsive internet porn use, strip clubs with lap dances, hook-up sites, dating sites with creepy prewritten responses to women, craigslists ads for sex, he had sex with someone he hadn't even met before she showed up at his hotel room. But now, I don't think he's acting out. I've brought the issue up about counseling and he flat out denies the need. He says he was "worried" that he couldn't stop, but has and is fine now. He understands why he cheated - of course it's all my fault
Either way, he's not interested in therapy and I need to make my own decisions, but I was curious to know if SA's do have phases of being clean inbetween acting out. Maybe I'm still trying to figure him out?
I'm know I need to stop trying to figure out if he's an SA or serial cheater - but for some reason it means something to me, I'm not sure why? It's not like either outcome is great.
Either way, without therapy I know he will do it again. It's sad.
I was just curious about the dry phases.
Take care of yourself. Whatever you chose to do.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 9:37 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]