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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cleo)))
I'm so sorry to read your story. Wishing you peace.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cleo))) I will likely be joining your ranks soon. Going to get the post nup signed in January, then I need to figure out how I am going to make income when all three kids go to school full time starting next year. Or sooner if I can figure it out. IDK, maybe I'm just a pollyanna but I feel good that I did everything *I* could, that was in the realm of *my* control, and I can sleep at night knowing that.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 10:29 AM, December 17th (Monday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

then I need to figure out how I am going to make income when all three kids go to school full time starting next year.

That's where I am right now. It's very difficult but at least it's something that I can sort of control, unlike the SA.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
stabbed81
♀ New Member
Member # 37686
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( SA Spouses )))

N&N
How are you doing? Just checking on you. This is a crisis and please try to be strong. Please make your self safe.

N&N and QVee
I believe that honesty in all aspects should be the number one criteria in forming boundaries. By doing what they did just shows that they have no intentions on being honest and by that not respecting the boundary.

AimfortheHeart
Welcome to SI. It is a great support.It is one of the best places to be in this worst situation. I directed my husband to it and he said it gives him better understanding about what spouses go through. BTW my SAWH's CSAT did not mention anything about abstinence but he has not acted out since past 5 months.

Cleo-

I feel for you. Some days I also want to throw away this whole SA thing out of my life. I want to throw away all the books too. Now I find myself spending all my time reading about SA. Before the DDday I was a carefree suburban young mom who loved to enjoy life with her preschooler and now I avoid taking her to play dates because I am tiered of wearing this fake mask.
Sometimes when I am in a cynical mode, I feel this whole SA theory is made up and is an excuse to immoral behaviors. Therapists are building their practice on this issue which not even a confirmed diagnosis. I too feel like my adult life was a total waste. I can not ever forgive him for bringing so much dirt in my life. I also feel like I would never know how a happy marriage would feel like.

It is scary and lonely and I am grieving, but I just need peace and sanity in my life.

You were lonely and without companion while he was acting out. But now you can keep your head up and start doing things you like and be your true self again.


Me-BW 32
Him-33 Sex addict x 5 years
Married 7 years together 13 years
3 year old DD

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Bay area
AimfortheHeart
♀ New Member
Member # 37195
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented, thanks to you I found Schneider's articles about disclosure online - very helpful. Thanks also to Missymomma and Stabbed.
I am meeting with his CSAT on Friday so I'll find out what she really said about the 30-day abstinence.

NandN, I am thinking about you - my SAWH took all the money from our joint account 3 days after I discovered his online activity and PA, and before I confronted him. So I know how it feels - terrifying, poisoned by adrenaline. I hope you are hanging in there.

In my case I guess I was lucky, if you call having a SAWH who is also an incredible dumb*ss lucky. He claimed he transferred the funds "by accident" and moved them back the next week. That was the end of joint checking. My paycheck now goes to an account he cannot access.


Me - BS 63
Him - SAWH 61
D-day #1 8/22/12
D-day #2 11/3/13
D-day #3 12/15/13

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleo - Sorry that you are at this point. So glad that you can take care of yourself and are ready to end your misery.

Hath - Nice to hear from you. How are things progressing for you? Sounds like you are ready to call an end to it too.

Stabbed - Totally agree on the back and forth about it being an "addiction" and not just a huge moral failing!

Aim - Good that you are meeting with the CSAT on Friday. Hopefully you will get good info.

We had MC today and it went well. I am most impressed with this CSAT. She absolutely understands my frustration that it is more like just a couple of months into recovery, not a year and a half. Because SAWH is not really deep in recovery, he is just starting.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh ladies, all that will be left out there for the picking are yours and my SAWH! :)

Hugs to us all.

Numb and all, my SA was doing exactly what Nature girls SA did/does. Cut me off financially and has ruined my credit (and his) while stomping on our children in the process. Anything to make me suffer for exposing him to the world!

All, I will echo what has been said, protect yourself and your children at all costs. Educate yourself, become self sufficient. I was lucky that I had my own career and could move out and support me and my children for 10 months with no help from SAWH. I am not living with him and he still is trying to control me, lies to me while portaying himself as a pastor in the church (double life).

I will follow thru with the divorce. He wants me to stop the divorce, just in time for him not to give me 1/2 the assets(pension/retirement).

A great poster here "too many years" taught me 2 years ago on this thread to take charge of my own life and not to waste years of MY life on someone who could care less about.
You have a life. Take care of YOU first.
Hugs to all.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. My name is Gonna and about 10 days or so ago, my stbx finally allowed himself to *see* what everyone else (well, me anyway...and others here on SI) have been seeing. He is an addict. And yay me. The addict decided to dump some *truth* on me today. You know....is it really too much to ask for there to be no more truth to come out???? Fuck.

You know...heaven forbid if he would have taken this seriously 2 years ago when the subject came up.....or even 3 fucking months ago when I gave him the number of a good CSAT. Oh, fuck no. He wants to wait until he gone and dug himself in there really good. Stupid, stubborn, knowitall, youcan'ttellmewhattodo, you'renotthebossofme mother.fucker.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 5:37 PM, December 17th (Monday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7239 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Ladies. I've been reading here for awhile but stopped posting. I'm back now.

WH has finally truly admitted to his SA. He's gone on the SAA website and read everything there. He says it was truly eye opening. Keep in mind that he is a 21 year sober alcoholic so the 12 steps are nothing new to him. He's a HUGE believer.

My problem is though, that there are no SA groups on our island, nor are there any CSAT's. What kind of chance do we have with so little support?

He seems to FINALLY be taking this seriously and reading and talking to me about how he is feeling. He's verbalizing his sexual thought processes and letting me know when he's been triggered by something and how he self-talks himself out of the inappropriate thought process. He is using the same skillset he learned in his 18 active years in AA.

I want to be hopeful, but I am still so scared. After broken NC in October I know that I am close to my end with this. I won't hang on forever.

Again, what chance do we have without professional help and in person counseling?? Can a SA who truly wants to change do it via phone/online meetings?

((HUGS)) to you all. I've been following you all for a long time now.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 915 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((CheaterMagnet))))) I just confirmed your statement that there aren't any f2f meetings of any kind on the big island. No SA, SAA or SLAA. But there are telephone meetings. And since he is a sober AA member, he could start a meeting. Bet he isn't the only person needing that support.

Is there at least an IC with familiarity with addictions? It would be better that the run of the mill IC that thinks he/she is dealing with "regular" infidelity.

I would also call the Sanon phone number and see if there is a meeting somewhere in your state. Perhaps you could at least connect by phone with someone to whom you could talk when you need to IRL. Locations aren't listed on the web site for obvious meetings.

@gonna...so sorry you are joining us here...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Goldenrule
♀ Member
Member # 20242
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleo, I just had this wonderful post all typed up and lost the son-of-gun.

Please don't give up or give in! I'll be 56 in 2 weeks.Yeah I too wasted the best years of my life on my SAWH.

But not anymore!! Somehow I dug myself out of the shit pit he dug for me. I (all SA spouses) deserve so much better than the shit we've been dealt. We did not ask for this life and we have to pick up the pieces... Sucks!!

But I'm not gonna let him destroy whats left of my life. We only get one and i'm not wasting any more of it.

I got a job, not gonna make me rich, but I love it, and I have everything I need and a few of the "wants" also.

I have a few really good friends whom I cherrish.We've been through all of the goodtimes and bad, we're each others rocks.

I have my girls,everyday!! It's not always sunshine and roses with a teenager and a young adult, but life is good.

As for another man, at this point, don't know, don't care.If it's meant to be it will and if not, thats ok too. I will be just fine.

If nothing else,I've learned my lessons too well. But I'm alot smarter and more self aware than ever.

My life may not have turned out as I had hoped. I certainly could have lived without all of this SA crap. It took time, alot of it, but i'm coming back into my own again, and life is good again.

I'll get off of my soapbox now.

Hugs to all of my SA sisters, we're a special, wonderful group. We deserve the best life has to offer, we've earned it!!

Goldenrule


BW-51
WH-49
2 CHILDREN
D-DAY 08-05-07
IT IS WHAT IT IS

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: MA
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting, Cleo. Even though I'm trying R with my H, I like your post because it keeps me grounded. N & N and I both had monetary boundaries crossed next week. I'm worried about her; I'm not sure how everything has went for her. I informed my H that his boundary-crossing was a step forward in the Separation Direction.

I'm sorry your H is such a douche, Hath, but you truly have done all you can, and with the immensity of sexual actions your H has engaged in, you've done an amazing job of taking care of yourself.

I'm glad MC went well, Missy. To you, and Gonna, I posted a couple of weeks or days (can't remember) ago about how long it takes for the SA to get around to admitting they have a problem. We went to MC for over a year before all of the stuff with my H came out. It really is super frustrating.

Gonna, I've followed some of your other posts before. Your H has had major fog for awhile.

My update: I'm struggling with this latest boundary crossing. It has made me go down into the dumps mentally again. I'm a person who easily gets depressed. However, I put my consequences into place, and I'm sort of excited. I have two weeks to wait until complete financial independence. And I still have access to HIS account. Guess he won't mind if I *borrow* a little money, eh?


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not been posting much lately, but read when I get the chance.

Hugs and strength to Lastin, Stabbed, Aim, Numb, Cleo, and all spouses of SA.

Golden, thanks for the inspiration. I agree its never too late to take back your life and find happiness within!

I have a question that would sound insane to anyone who is not on this forum, Im sure. I noticed in my husbands underwear a small white shiny spot in each one. It looks like you know what. But wouldnt that only happen if one puts underwear on after ****? That doesnt occur just from normal "use" does it?
I guess Im wondering if he is masterbating.... which he "promises" he isnt. This is ridiculous to even have to think about.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all. The holidays can be a particularly difficult time for spouses of SAs.

Cheater, I agree AA is better than nothing and SA has TONS of phone meetings of all kinds, nothing like what little is available for us at S-Anon. And more and more CSATs are open to telephone/skype sessions for those in remote areas. The problem is getting into a CSAT's schedule at all, they are in short supply for the demand.

I am envious of those of you who have taken back your life 100%. Good job putting yourself first.

DP, I have no idea on the underwear. I stopped doing my husband's laundry years ago. It has always been my experience that discoloration in laundry is either a stain from food/chemicals, or from topical medications/etc.

Missy, I am not filing for divorce...yet. I still have a lot to do to get my ducks in a row, and I have the luxury that SAWH is whiteknuckling and trying to fix all the damage he's done, up his recovery stuff, etc. so I and the children are not at risk at the moment and don't have to move or force him out. So I will take this time to get myself in order and figure out long term plans with or without him. I have a little safety net so I can act on the fly if needed. But no matter how all this pans out, I have to be prepared for the worse case scenario. Which sucks.

Basically my greatest challenge will be how to start making income again after being a SAHM for 8 years, without compromising my availability for my kids. I already have a master's, so it would be difficult for me to do the go back to school on grants route. I have limited availability to work (no family to babysit, and childcare x3 is expensive), so that rules out most hourly jobs because they are so scarce here that people with more open schedules get the work. I can't work at the school or a daycare because I have a misdemeanor on my record from 25 years ago, so I would fail any background checks. It's difficult to get part time clerical or similar work here because they are scarce, and if I am truthful about my work history they think I am way overqualified and would bail at the first chance at a "real" job.

So my best chances are either to be self-employed, or find a small local company that doesn't do/need background checks that can't really afford someone of my skillset/experience, but would take a chance on me part time because they need it so badly. Which is all great in theory...except for in the summer I have three kids out of school for three months. So if I take a job earlier than fall, I will be lucky to break even until then. But it may be worth it to just be able to have a job at all.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, thanks so much for your response. I appreciate your taking the time to read my posts. (that goes for everyone!)

As to your re-entering the workforce, is there a temp agency where you are? Getting on as a temp can be a good way to get back into the job market. Pretty much every temp job I ever did ended up offering me a full time position. I'd also think they would give you a chance to explain your misdemeanor and a lot of companies only look back 10 years. They are also more forgiving of misdemeanors than felonies. FWIW

You've probably already thought of all this. You are one of the most proactive and prepared people I've encountered. I am in awe of you.

((((HUGS)))) to everyone. Thanks again for the support.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 915 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QVee, hang in there. You can do this.

Cheater, that's my one of my plans for the fall. I have had similar experiences in the past with temp agencies as well, but I need to have more availability to get anything more than a day here, a day the next week, etc. Those places work best when they have a hard position to fill, and you walk in right when they need somebody like you and you can work every day. I'm also considering looking into some sort of internship that would be willing to work with my limited availability now.

I'm worried about Numb. When I read her posts in S&D, I get sick to my stomach. I can't tell how much of it is colored by my own experience and how much of it just my gut. Seriously, I have never wanted to physically hurt my SAWH but hers I want to punch in the face. Sigh. I am more screwed up than I thought. Everyone send her prayers and goodvibes, she is going through some serious crap.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still not sure if my WH is a SA or run of the mill serial cheater. He's refusing therapy, refused to reschedule his appt. with a CSAT - so I really don't know???? I've been to a couple of S-Anon mtgs and certainly felt like I fit with the group for exception that my WH wasn't diagnosed nor in treatment.

For those familiar with SA, do they have times when they are clean with out treatment? With addictions like alcohol, the addict cannot physically go without a drink, but I was wondering about the SA. While my WH was acting out this past year (which he also did 4 years ago - lasting about a year) he certainly presented like an SA. Compulsive internet porn use, strip clubs with lap dances, hook-up sites, dating sites with creepy prewritten responses to women, craigslists ads for sex, he had sex with someone he hadn't even met before she showed up at his hotel room. But now, I don't think he's acting out. I've brought the issue up about counseling and he flat out denies the need. He says he was "worried" that he couldn't stop, but has and is fine now. He understands why he cheated - of course it's all my fault

Either way, he's not interested in therapy and I need to make my own decisions, but I was curious to know if SA's do have phases of being clean inbetween acting out. Maybe I'm still trying to figure him out?


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issaquah - Yes, my SAWH first acted out in 2007. He stopped after drug rehab in 2008 and then started again a year and a half later in 2010. It is called white knuckling it. They will start again without treatment. There isn't much you can do if they won't get treatment. Just deal with your own issues and decide if you want to stay in the relationship or not.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just sad he won't get treatment. He had made an appointment but was on a wait list. Finally the day came and the therapist cancelled due to serious illness. He refused to reschedule saying he didn't need it anymore - "he's fine".

I'm know I need to stop trying to figure out if he's an SA or serial cheater - but for some reason it means something to me, I'm not sure why? It's not like either outcome is great.

Either way, without therapy I know he will do it again. It's sad.

I was just curious about the dry phases.

Thanks


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I think most of us understand wanting to know if they are an SA or not. Trying to understand what you are dealing with is normal. It still doesn't make sense but at least it is some explanation of what is going on. Living with an SA is maddening, they blame you for their problems. There is a real kind of "hide the ball" game that they play. Until they start to recover when they claim and handle their problems, it is hard to deal with them.

Take care of yourself. Whatever you chose to do.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 9:37 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
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