His friend called me tonight and said he's not doing well and sounding very desperate. I think he was fishing for SAWH to see if I was actually done this time. I told him I was and it was hard to say. I'm not sure why and I'm mad at myself for still being concerned for him.
We work for the same department which sucks because I can never truly get him out of my life unless I look for a new job. I love my job and refuse to give up anything else for him. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong on this one. He is currently in a different unit/working off site, so I should only run into him once or twice a month..
Just needed to vent.. Thanks ladies. Have a good night and hugs to everyone!
Drivingpast, NEM and ChoosingHope - I wont install anything in his work computer. It is very helpful to throw out a question here on this forum and get feedback especially when your thinking is clouded.
BTW my SAWH used to work for this other company and he changed his job 5 months ago (that is when everything came out)
He used his previous company's work computer to do all these things on THEIR server.His explanation was "I deleted browsing history" He never got caught though. He did not watch porn but used to go on craigslist, myredbook, backpage and so on.....He did all acting out while he was at work. He would come home on time everyday but would take longer lunches and visit massage parlors or prostitutes. He had a very flexible job. In a way it's good that he has this new job now. I don't trust him that he would not do the same thing on this job's laptop but I am not going to mess with Federal government's property.
Numbandnauseas- Your husband seems very much like my husband in terms of reacting. If I were having really bad breakdown, he would just sit next to me and watch me. Not a word of empathy. We had a much anticipated visit to his previous CSAT 2 weeks ago. While driving back home he did not say a word. Did not even ask that how do you feel. I think they are emotionally not capable. The addiction has eaten away that part in their brain and heart.
The other day I sent him a link on SI.forum. Now he has registered and started posting. Weired thing is he has given me the password for his SI account. He says he does not want to keep anything hidden. My heart say that this is another way of giving me false hopes.
Torn2bits-I am starting to feel the same thing in my husband. He lies and does not even realize it.He also twists his words and meanings. They are just lying to themselves. Sometimes they bother me other times i tell my self that he is a sick person and his sickness is lying and I can handle this until I can but if I can't I have a choice to not to live with the sickness.
Two incidents of suspected lying in last week .
1-I left my journal in guest bedroom where I was writing. I wrote about him giving consent to his CSAT so I can speak to her. Next morning he sent an email to his therapist giving his consent. I asked him about reading my journal he refused.
2-I saw on his phone the window of this forum was open where I asked question for iphone spy ware. Then few hours later he told me that he is thinking about installing a spy ware to his phone for my peace of mind. I asked him where did he get the idea? He said he was thinking what can he do to make me feel better. I asked him did you get a clue from SI forum. He refused. He says he does not even know that I have an account here on SI.com
Please tell me if am I over analyzing stuff.
I told him that you don't have to lie then he says he now understands that if he lies he is going to sink even more and he will be at loss. He says all the right things but I am just too frightened to believe them.
Had my first visit to CSAT yesterday. She told me that since he did not give you any information willingly, there will me more truth coming out in our final disclosure process which is 6 to 8 weeks away. My heart is pounding. I am not asking him anything though. If he is willing to share something with me I am fine but I am done begging for more information.
As for the work situation, it will work itself out (he may leave, you may later decide you want to leave- although I totally get not letting him take something else from you - one of you may transfer, the company may go bankrupt, so many things can happen). Talk with your therapist about what you will do when you see him. Maybe a mantra that you can say, deep breathing, going to your zen place.
torn - I have had many times when my WH has lied about insignificant things and I have caught him. Things like we were both somewhere at the same time and he has a different reollection of the events than I do. Crazy-making for sure. I read in Don't Call it Love that SAs actually do distort reality and believe it themselves, so they don't think they are lying or something to that effect. I can't even wrap my brain around it.
stabbed - thanks for the feedback. I know that one of our members just went through a poly where her H wasn't telling the truth and they are pretty far along in the recovery process. It seems that relearning to tell the truth telling takes a long time and I imagine the longer they have been lying (i.e., the more of a habit it is for them), the longer it takes to relearn. Not good news or comforting in the now, for sure.
((((Hugs to SA spouses))))
[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 4:38 PM, December 14th (Friday)]
Torn - Lying is a kind of second nature for addicts. It may take a while for that to be corrected, if he is really working his recovery.
NatureGirl - Thanks! It is really about keeping my life as clean and uncluttered as possible.
Stabbed - This is a long hard road. My CSAT has talked alot about first order of change and second order of change. The 1st order was really just to stop acting out, going to meetings and therapy. The 2nd order is when their thought processes and other associated behavior changes. I am just starting to see some 2nd order changes and we are a year and a half out. Of course, my SAWH has been very slow with this process.
Well, have to say that the shooting today was so very sad.
Act your ass off. Don't let him know you're wise on him yet. He is going to try to blindside you so he comes out of this on top. You aren't in the wrong, but you could suffer if you don't act as quickly as possible to protect yourself.
I'm so sorry, hon. Alarm bells are going off all over the place from reading this post and the one you have in D/S. Many hugs to you.
Protect yourself & your babies, Numb. Call your family & let them know what's happening. Do not go through this alone.
will also call family - not sure if they will be helpful (pretty dysfunctional). Have called a few friends already. My dad is in a position to help financially, so I will ask him if I absolutely have to.
[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 12:36 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]
I am thinking about all of you who have shared your stories and thoughts, it's been so helpful to me just to read. Finally got up the strength/guts to post. Hope I will eventually be as helpful to others as you are.
That is such a hard thing to tackle! I think that Jennifer Schneider has written some articles on disclosure to children. And there's a chapter in Mending a Shattered Heart called "what should I tell the kids".
I don't really have any advice, other than that if you do decide to say something, that you might consider that it could be a staggered thing, and you could tell them a small amount and wait a while to see if they ask questions. They may not want to know too much. And if they do, it might be better if they've asked.
1. Asking only for 30 days of abstinence from porn and masturbation and not the 90 days of total abstinence that most CSATS request is a red flag, for me. My SAWH had a lousy CSAT the 1st time and that 30 days of minimum abstinence is all he did. Now we have a new CSAT for him and are doing the more rigorous 90 days. My SAWH wasted a year and several months with a really horrible CSAT, things didn't progress too far. He wasn't acting out but wasn't making much progress.
2. The CSAT probably didn't say to wait until he was further along in recovery to disclose to the children but that he COULD wait further along into recovery. Do you have your own CSAT? For your sanity and support you might need to let them know something is going on. You don't have to go into great details but let them know something is going on so that there isn't too much stress on you. Pretending everything is OK and trying to put on the perfect holiday might be too much for you.
Sorry you find yourself here. This is not a fun place to be but at least the ladies here are really helpful!
N & N, that does not sound good. Any lying, even of omission is a red flag.
I'm dealing with my own financial lie too. For some reason, I just knew we couldn't make it through Chanukah without something happening. I found out he lied to me about spending money in an account I have. I don't care if it's not a lie having to do with infidelity or it was not spent on infidelity related stuff, a lie is a lie. And I had plans for that money too. I put down my consequences...he is loosing all access to any account that also has my name on it. I told him that if I find out he has lied about anything else financial, I will see it as grounds for a separation. I don't want Fing TT for infidelity, and I don't want Fing TT for financial issues either.
I admire you for taking this step. We all have to do what feels right for each of us. I started on this website many years ago when I thought my husband had been unfaithful twice in our marriage. I found out a couple of years ago he was an SA and had at least 14 affairs. I hung in there for the last 2 years, through tons of counseling and $$, seeing a CSAT and groups, ect.
My husband seemed to be doing all the right things. I just found out he had started another "friendship" which he insists was just chatting, but it crossed all the boundaries that we had agreed upon. I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago and moved out. 27 years of marriage - feels like my life has been wasted. It was just all a lie.
I really don't know how many SA's can get better, I am sure there are some, but I feel very skeptical at this point. Why do these guys get to play by different rules than the rest of us. My SA husband quoted the big book to me when I asked this last time why he would throw it all away for another "new friend" - he said "the big book says addiction is cunning and baffling" - whatever. I am so sick of all this SA stuff.
I hope I can overcome the damage this has done to me, it is tremendous. All the false reconcilliations, the manipulations, the emotional abuse. I hope I can heal and have some kind of life moving forward at 54.
I can't see myself ever trusting another man. I am praying for the rest of you here, and hope that if you chose to stick it out, your husband can make it to real recovery. Good luck Lastin12. May you have health and happiness and peace!
[This message edited by cleo at 11:05 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]
I am trying so hard not to be bitter and cynical about the whole sex addiction thing. I just want to get as far away from it as possible.
Throwing all those stupid books away....I gave it everything I had - and more for so long, just had hoping and praying he would get better - just wasted years now. I guess maybe I had some personal growth out of it, enough to make me strong enough to leave.
It is scary and lonely and I am grieving, but I just need peace and sanity in my life.
Two things I would advise anyone who is on this forum and reconciling with an SA.....get a post nuptial agreement, and make sure you have a way to support yourself. I went back to school last year to pursue a career in diagnostic imaging. So very glad I did that.
Lifting all of you up this Christmas, and wishing you peace as well.