So far, my husband is doing everything right. He attends therapy every week, and 12-step twice a month. He's been attentive and caring when I have meltdowns. A couple months ago he found an item that OW had mailed him over a year ago and burned it on our back porch for me to see. So my trust compass keeps pointing to true North.
I don't know why though, but dates just make me nervous. It's a week until Channukah and I'm nervous. He proposed during Channukah, and it's a special time for me. I just want everything to go well; I don't want any stress or meltdowns during that time. I know I'm worrying needlessly, and I hate being the worry wort type, but it seriously just happens. It's hard to get off my mind. I'm trying to change my mental channel and take each day one at a time.
He dosen't know I know about the massage parlors and I said I know I don't know everything and its hard dealing with lies for so many years. He said that I didn't know everything and the past was the past and he was done hurting me. He thinks we're in a bad place now becasue I made him tell me about the ONS and sex parties. I cried and walked to the other room. I began crying hysterically and felt like I was going to puke. I decided to shower and he just looked at me and asked what I was doing.. I said nothing. I said I don't know what to do anymore and I feel like you're not helping me get through this. He said he has been really busy with work and sorry about not giving me notes and cards but thought him sending me a text message a day saying what are you up to was good. Also, the fact that he was now running some errands with me. I always told him before D Day it would be nice if he did go to the store or home depot with me from time to time.
I started packing my stuff because I didn't know what else to do, he came back in the room and said I guess we're not talking anymore. I said what do you want me to do. He walked away pissed. I felt like I followed him around the house for the next three hours trying to talk to him. I kept saying I don't know how to fix this and I love you, he kept saying what are you doing to do. Deep down I know I need to leave, But couldn't say it to him. He did say he wishes I would have put my foot down years earlier to try and stop him, I said how could I, you lied. He said I was too nice and enable him. Now, I'm feeling like there's more I could've done.. WHy do I feel this way? He left for work early so I could pack up my things... I told him to hug me before he left and he just walked out. I'm now sitting on the couch halfway packed sobbing like a baby, feeling sick to my stomach. I need strength right now desperately...
Honey you are still in shock and denial. A bomb has been set off and you are still trying to make sense out of it and fix it. Just pack your stuff, leave and get some rest. Then when you are safe, start doing some reading and attending 12 step meetings for yourself, as well as therapy. You need some time to heal.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 5:36 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]
Also, you might want to pop over to Separation and Divorce to read the recent thread on NPD. It's short, just about 20 posts. It sounds like you might be dealing with something like that here. It's appalling to read how your SAH is blaming you. I'm so sorry.
Also, have you confided in family and friends? Do you have anyone to talk to in real life?
Hun, it's not all about him. A gentle 2x4 here. Every time you try to put your foot down and make him see what he's done to you, he gets mad at you. And then when he gets mad at you, you crumble and give in, and then try to make him not mad at you. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU! He gets mad at you because he knows you'll break and let him off the hook and come running to him.
He is the little kid throwing a temper tantrum at Wal-Mart, and you are the mom trying to appease the kid by giving it a toy. You know how you stop a temper tantrum? Not by giving the kid a toy but by ignoring the kid's behavior! Get the hell out and 180 the shit out of him this time. By the way he's been acting, he's not worth any of your time.
Most of all, remember, there is NO reason for him to be mad at you. He's manipulating you or projecting anger at himself onto you. Neither of which you should put up with. There is NO reason for you to feel bad. HE fucked up, not you.
I read your update in JFO... I'm so sorry (((Hath)
N&N- thank you for your post... you and Hath explained your points well and I understand better now.
Missy- you mentioned in this thread and my thread in Gen about how the SA group often says they don't recommend full disclosure.. He has made this sound increasingly like "the guys" don't recommend it, he will take it to his sponsor and the group, etc. I asked in my most recent email what his CSAT says about this... I wonder if he's omitting or not asking for the CSAT's opinion. He's making a lot of excuses about facebook that make me think a CSAT wouldn't necessarily support these choices.
Lastin- oh, hon, I worry so much about you. (((Lastin)))... Did you end up leaving again? It sounds like so much blameshifting. I don't know how you kept as calm as you did as he kept asking "what are you going to do"... wtf. He blameshifts like crazy and then waits for you to take action? What kind of man is he.
It sounds like he knows exactly what to say to keep you there and keep you strung along. Ditto to what QVee said about him throwing Wal-Mart Little Kid Tantrums and there being no reason for you to feel bad. I hope he hasn't deluded himself into thinking you're the cause for his addiction... if that's the case, clearly he wasn't getting any messages from whatever little he was exposed to from going to a 12 step meeting once or twice.
QVee- I'm glad that your H is doing all the right things and making you feel good about R I hope you can get through the holidays without any hiccups, and you're right... one day at a time.
NEM - I think there is just a different attitude about disclosure in SAWHs SA group than what the CSATs recommend. They seem to be supporting not giving full disclosure, just what they think the spouse can handle or that would not be harming us. Just more making decisions about what I do or don't need. We have had disclosure but I am sure it wasn't full disclosure.
I am thinking about you and praying for you. Like others have said, just take it one hour at a time. I know how lost you feel. We are all here for you. I wish I could see you today IRL and just wrap my arms around you.
My SAH also progressed from masturbation to porn to lap dances to massage parlors. He gaslighted me for years, making me think I was losing my mind. He went to massage parlors for six years. Been with multiple women.
I know how scared you are. I know the feeling of being scared to stay -- scared to leave.
I have been in limbo with my husband for THREE years. THREE years of not being sure if I am making the right decision by staying.
I can tell you this -- if we did not have two children together, I would have divorced him.
CHOOSING HOPE was right -- why did YOU leave?
I am saying this gently to you: He needs a wakeup call -- tell him you know about the massage parlors, tell him that he needs to leave. Go no contact. Let him stew in this. I kicked my husband out when I found out about the massage parlors. Your SA still in his addiction fog. There is NO WAY you can reconcile with an addict who is acting out.
I am so sorry.
I think it's pretty apparent I am dealing with some mental illness (his, not mine, LOL) and I have to process that in my head as well as figure out a game plan. The poly is really not my primary concern any more. That is just a symptom of a much bigger issue.
But today I just need to get through today. I have group therapy tonight. I really don't want to be the topic of primary discussion. But I love these ladies and they will want to hear and help, and I need to learn to take it.
I feel that he is doing these superficial things to get things back to normal so he can continue acting out. He is not acting like a man in recovery or even remotely interested in recovery.
AND, I CANNOT BELIEVE that he actually said that he wishes you would have put your foot down earlier, he wishes you wouldn't have been so nice and enabled him. So, you are responsible for his being an SA?! If he murders someone, are you responsible for that too?! I just can't believe the complete abandonment of responsibilty on his part and his willingness to pin this all on you. That is not love in any way, shape or form. I am so sorry.
I know you are hurting badly and I am so sorry - sending much strength to you. ((((((lastin))))))
Hath - you sound good despite everything - your strength is shining through. I hope you are able to seek, get and receive support tonight at your group therapy. Hugs to you.
ETA: I forgot to ask - what goes on in massage parlors - is it just hand jobs, or can they get sex too? I am just trying to get educated and preparing for my eventual disclosure...
[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 6:36 PM, December 3rd (Monday)]
I forgot to ask - what goes on in massage parlors - is it just hand jobs, or can they get sex too?
The conventional "happy ending" can be a hand job, but massage parlors (parlor..what a strange concept) are notoriously taken down as fronts for prostitution, so that opens it up quite a bit. Another less known speciality..one I picked up from the CSAT's newsletter...prostate massage (and yes, that is accessed through the anus). I never would have guessed that one...guess I'm clueless sometimes.
I agree "parlor" is a really dumb word in this context. Next time I hear grandma say "let's go sit in the parlor", I'm gonna hiccup.