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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-10
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a separate note here, an update from me:

So far, my husband is doing everything right. He attends therapy every week, and 12-step twice a month. He's been attentive and caring when I have meltdowns. A couple months ago he found an item that OW had mailed him over a year ago and burned it on our back porch for me to see. So my trust compass keeps pointing to true North.

I don't know why though, but dates just make me nervous. It's a week until Channukah and I'm nervous. He proposed during Channukah, and it's a special time for me. I just want everything to go well; I don't want any stress or meltdowns during that time. I know I'm worrying needlessly, and I hate being the worry wort type, but it seriously just happens. It's hard to get off my mind. I'm trying to change my mental channel and take each day one at a time.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He left for a run and I looked through his phone. When he came back he said how long are you going to look through my phone and I said for a long time, I said I don't trust you. He said how long are you going to live this way, I said I wasn't sure.

He dosen't know I know about the massage parlors and I said I know I don't know everything and its hard dealing with lies for so many years. He said that I didn't know everything and the past was the past and he was done hurting me. He thinks we're in a bad place now becasue I made him tell me about the ONS and sex parties. I cried and walked to the other room. I began crying hysterically and felt like I was going to puke. I decided to shower and he just looked at me and asked what I was doing.. I said nothing. I said I don't know what to do anymore and I feel like you're not helping me get through this. He said he has been really busy with work and sorry about not giving me notes and cards but thought him sending me a text message a day saying what are you up to was good. Also, the fact that he was now running some errands with me. I always told him before D Day it would be nice if he did go to the store or home depot with me from time to time.

I started packing my stuff because I didn't know what else to do, he came back in the room and said I guess we're not talking anymore. I said what do you want me to do. He walked away pissed. I felt like I followed him around the house for the next three hours trying to talk to him. I kept saying I don't know how to fix this and I love you, he kept saying what are you doing to do. Deep down I know I need to leave, But couldn't say it to him. He did say he wishes I would have put my foot down years earlier to try and stop him, I said how could I, you lied. He said I was too nice and enable him. Now, I'm feeling like there's more I could've done.. WHy do I feel this way? He left for work early so I could pack up my things... I told him to hug me before he left and he just walked out. I'm now sitting on the couch halfway packed sobbing like a baby, feeling sick to my stomach. I need strength right now desperately...


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin, this is what I put on your other thread.


Honey you are still in shock and denial. A bomb has been set off and you are still trying to make sense out of it and fix it. Just pack your stuff, leave and get some rest. Then when you are safe, start doing some reading and attending 12 step meetings for yourself, as well as therapy. You need some time to heal.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 5:36 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin, Why are YOU leaving the house? Do you own your home, or rent? You should make HIM leave.

Also, you might want to pop over to Separation and Divorce to read the recent thread on NPD. It's short, just about 20 posts. It sounds like you might be dealing with something like that here. It's appalling to read how your SAH is blaming you. I'm so sorry.

Also, have you confided in family and friends? Do you have anyone to talk to in real life?



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lastin))))

Hun, it's not all about him. A gentle 2x4 here. Every time you try to put your foot down and make him see what he's done to you, he gets mad at you. And then when he gets mad at you, you crumble and give in, and then try to make him not mad at you. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU! He gets mad at you because he knows you'll break and let him off the hook and come running to him.

He is the little kid throwing a temper tantrum at Wal-Mart, and you are the mom trying to appease the kid by giving it a toy. You know how you stop a temper tantrum? Not by giving the kid a toy but by ignoring the kid's behavior! Get the hell out and 180 the shit out of him this time. By the way he's been acting, he's not worth any of your time.

Most of all, remember, there is NO reason for him to be mad at you. He's manipulating you or projecting anger at himself onto you. Neither of which you should put up with. There is NO reason for you to feel bad. HE fucked up, not you.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath- in my response to him today, I decided to approach it with what you said in mind... That I don't need details but critical info like body count, the nature of the acting out, etc. were critical to know. I am hoping that when we both move, we can each get a CSAT and work in tandem with them for a full disclosure.

I read your update in JFO... I'm so sorry (((Hath)

N&N- thank you for your post... you and Hath explained your points well and I understand better now.

Missy- you mentioned in this thread and my thread in Gen about how the SA group often says they don't recommend full disclosure.. He has made this sound increasingly like "the guys" don't recommend it, he will take it to his sponsor and the group, etc. I asked in my most recent email what his CSAT says about this... I wonder if he's omitting or not asking for the CSAT's opinion. He's making a lot of excuses about facebook that make me think a CSAT wouldn't necessarily support these choices.

Lastin- oh, hon, I worry so much about you. (((Lastin)))... Did you end up leaving again? It sounds like so much blameshifting. I don't know how you kept as calm as you did as he kept asking "what are you going to do"... wtf. He blameshifts like crazy and then waits for you to take action? What kind of man is he.
It sounds like he knows exactly what to say to keep you there and keep you strung along. Ditto to what QVee said about him throwing Wal-Mart Little Kid Tantrums and there being no reason for you to feel bad. I hope he hasn't deluded himself into thinking you're the cause for his addiction... if that's the case, clearly he wasn't getting any messages from whatever little he was exposed to from going to a 12 step meeting once or twice.

QVee- I'm glad that your H is doing all the right things and making you feel good about R I hope you can get through the holidays without any hiccups, and you're right... one day at a time.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I left and I feel sick to my stomach and I'm scared. I feel like I made the worst decision, why? I'm so heart broken and already want to run home... I don't know why I'm feeling this way...

Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're feeling that way because I think at some point in your life someone taught you that being angry is bad. Well, you need to find your anger Lastin. You did the right thing. You got yourself out of a bullshit situation. Now tap into that anger and start taking care of YOU!

(((Lastin)))


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NEM. I also agree that you're doing the right thing in terms of disclosure.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin - So glad you had the strength to get yourself out of that situation! Now get some support ASAP so that you don't go back. Do you have an IRL 12 step program? What about IC? Anyone to help you through this transition time, so that you can begin to work on yourself.

NEM - I think there is just a different attitude about disclosure in SAWHs SA group than what the CSATs recommend. They seem to be supporting not giving full disclosure, just what they think the spouse can handle or that would not be harming us. Just more making decisions about what I do or don't need. We have had disclosure but I am sure it wasn't full disclosure.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lastin))) Stay strong, sweetie. Surround yourself with friends & good people. 2013 is going to be all about YOU, & your happiness. Sending up prayers for you today.


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,

I am thinking about you and praying for you. Like others have said, just take it one hour at a time. I know how lost you feel. We are all here for you. I wish I could see you today IRL and just wrap my arms around you.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin,

My SAH also progressed from masturbation to porn to lap dances to massage parlors. He gaslighted me for years, making me think I was losing my mind. He went to massage parlors for six years. Been with multiple women.

I know how scared you are. I know the feeling of being scared to stay -- scared to leave.

I have been in limbo with my husband for THREE years. THREE years of not being sure if I am making the right decision by staying.

I can tell you this -- if we did not have two children together, I would have divorced him.

CHOOSING HOPE was right -- why did YOU leave?

I am saying this gently to you: He needs a wakeup call -- tell him you know about the massage parlors, tell him that he needs to leave. Go no contact. Let him stew in this. I kicked my husband out when I found out about the massage parlors. Your SA still in his addiction fog. There is NO WAY you can reconcile with an addict who is acting out.

I am so sorry.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am taking things one day at a time. Thanks everyone for their support.

I think it's pretty apparent I am dealing with some mental illness (his, not mine, LOL) and I have to process that in my head as well as figure out a game plan. The poly is really not my primary concern any more. That is just a symptom of a much bigger issue.

But today I just need to get through today. I have group therapy tonight. I really don't want to be the topic of primary discussion. But I love these ladies and they will want to hear and help, and I need to learn to take it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lastin - I hope you are out of the house and getting some peace and rest. You are in a toxic situation if you stay in the house with him. I am so angry for you with how things went down - absolutely no support from him. Oh, except the one text a day and going with you to home depot - what a knight in shining armor - he's every woman's dream.

I feel that he is doing these superficial things to get things back to normal so he can continue acting out. He is not acting like a man in recovery or even remotely interested in recovery.

AND, I CANNOT BELIEVE that he actually said that he wishes you would have put your foot down earlier, he wishes you wouldn't have been so nice and enabled him. So, you are responsible for his being an SA?! If he murders someone, are you responsible for that too?! I just can't believe the complete abandonment of responsibilty on his part and his willingness to pin this all on you. That is not love in any way, shape or form. I am so sorry.

I know you are hurting badly and I am so sorry - sending much strength to you. ((((((lastin))))))

Hath - you sound good despite everything - your strength is shining through. I hope you are able to seek, get and receive support tonight at your group therapy. Hugs to you.

ETA: I forgot to ask - what goes on in massage parlors - is it just hand jobs, or can they get sex too? I am just trying to get educated and preparing for my eventual disclosure...

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 6:36 PM, December 3rd (Monday)]


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to ask - what goes on in massage parlors - is it just hand jobs, or can they get sex too?

The conventional "happy ending" can be a hand job, but massage parlors (parlor..what a strange concept) are notoriously taken down as fronts for prostitution, so that opens it up quite a bit. Another less known speciality..one I picked up from the CSAT's newsletter...prostate massage (and yes, that is accessed through the anus). I never would have guessed that one...guess I'm clueless sometimes.


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. I feel so clueless & naive. That's two things this week that I'd never heard of regarding sex: prostate massage & Cleveland steamers. What is wrong with this world???


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, happy face: SA - the gift that keeps on giving.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.k. had to google Cleveland steamer and just Ewww!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I wish I didn't know what that is but in college guys would joke about it for some reason.

Prostrate massage?

I agree "parlor" is a really dumb word in this context. Next time I hear grandma say "let's go sit in the parlor", I'm gonna hiccup.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
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