So, that being said, assuming I don't leave my FB account up, when I delete this conversation, it will be gone?
I am going to piss all over the party that you are trying (hoping) to have. Your WW is MOST LIKELY having an affair with this guy....not just an EA, either.
CALL HIS WIFE. I am a *gaslighting* veteran. Your WW is gaslighting you like something fierce.
she said she wanted to know how he felt about our conversation last night.
And ^^this^^ matters...why??? Who gives a shit how *he* feels about a conversation?
I saw above about it sometimes being a one sided EA; I think this is the case here
No. It isn't one-sided. What is it exactly that makes you believe that?
she may have deleted some so I would not feel bad
And here is the mother-lode:
"Oh bummer. I'm sure it was fun hanging out with the guys. You were right about &&& checking the cell phone account, I couldn't believe it. Thank goodness I told him Sat that I had texted you about the games I know he looked at my phone to see the texts but I had deleted them except for the first 2. So, he noticed that more were on the account than what I had on the phone. So that led to some issues again. I didn't even know he would know how to go into account."
"Luckily, the last couple days he's been worrying about me dying so he's settled down. :) "
"Luckily, the last couple days he's been worrying about me dying so he's settled down. :) "
How did you feel when you read ^^that^^? You have a SERIOUS PROBLEM on your hands, my friend.
Advice time: You do not have the luxury of believing that you and your WW are on the *same* team. She is quite obviously, to me anyway, NOT on team*OC*. She is talking ABOUT you, her husband....to this douchebag OM. And it is really not too flattering. I really have no compass on whether her dealings with CoachBoy have moved past EA and into PA territory......all I know is that the way that she talks about you is highly disloyal and disrespectful.
Dude. It is time to shake her world up. Don't sit back and let her disrespect you like that. It is time to draw a hard line in the sand.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Here's another *trick/consequence* to keep in your back pocket. A poly. When/If you reach a stalemate with your *it's all innocent* WW...pull that card out of your pocket and play it.
I'm going to try and keep this short
1. You need to install spyware on her ph to see the text messages.
2. You need all passwords and if you haven't got it... Key logger
3. MOST important. NC!
From what appeared to be a one sided EA now is getting scarier and scarier.
Imformation can e scary but is your friend. All of this gas lighting your spouse is doing is really bad. Furthermore! The emotional pity me crap is just that.
I know it sounds harsh, but yeah... Information is your weapon, waywards will use anything they can to get you off the scent. You are worth far more than that!
They are afraid to even tell the OMW/H, who can only be a trusted ally in their recovery of marriage.
Your wife dont want you to tell OMW do you know why because she knows OM will dump your wife under the bus to save his ass and marriage.
Why she couldn't/didn't dump the OM under the bus do when you caught her or she realized she crossed the line because she don't give a shit about your emotions. because she know you can be blindsided easily (she did the same for 6 fuking yrs), because she know you wont do any thing.
You allowed your wife to walk over you with her lies and A behind your back. You allowed her to disrespect you by allowing her to discuss about you to OM on your back.
You still believe its an EA, know one thing EAs are more dangerous to a marriage than PAs. Dont sit Idle by having the fantasy that they will end it one day.
Your wife is n a long term relationship with OM, they may have been banging each other on your back for yrs, may be they stopped it for a while, may be it is an on and off affair.
Your wife is in damage control and minimizing and gas lighting at least realize that. She is not remorseful or on her knees begging for R or forgiveness, she didn't own up anything other than she crossed the line.
When you are going to expose to OMW? She too deserve truth, Dont she?
When you are going to say OM or you not both? When you are going to say no more contact with her A partner (He is her Affair partner not the friend she had, When you are going to realize that). You confronted OM and they laughed about it on your back. Tooo much man.
Take your head out of your ass and man up, you seems more in the fog and fantasy world than your BS.
We are not your enemies, we too are people who was cheated, who went through the same pain. Many of us may have did faaar better if we got a support like you are getting now. We made many mistakes you are making now, we dont want another BS making the same mistake.
OC. First off, know that I was you. Our stories are so similar, if we ever meet IRL I'll check you for the other half of this amulet.
I'm five years out from where you are. For more detailed discussions, please PM me and I'll share all I have.
For know, you need to stop sharing your pain with your WW. She isn't safe to share it with her. She'll use it against you and share it with OM. She's only hearing it as whining no matter what she says to your face.
In my case, I asked my fWW to have OM email me so we could talk, but not to tell him what we discussed or what she told me. She did both so he could get his story straight. Later I melted down and bore my soul, telling her how much it hurt to see her texting him and begging her to stop. She promised me she would then sent him an email from an account she didn't know I was monitoring letting him about my pain and instructing to cool things down awhile.
She needs to see you taking positive constructive action to save yourself, then the marriage if she want to tag along. Read up on the 180. It really works.
Get strong. You're in a fight for your life.
When I was at the stage your at know, I did all the wrong things. Listen very carefully to the advise you've given. It's golden (most of it).
No Contact is a must my friend. Anything else simply will not work. As long as she's plugged into aspects of the fantasy, she'll always see you as the humdrum reality she's escaping.
We're here for you.
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
Your wife is having an affair with this punk. They both know that you know about it and are MOCKING you behind your back. Her TEARS are more from being CAUGHT than anything, I can not TELL you the RIVERS of tears my ex-husband cried over the TWO YEARS OF HELL he put me through with a "friend".
I KNOW YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THE BEST... She just shattered your world. But you are giving her WAY too much credit and leeway and everyone here is completely spot on.
1. TELL THE OTHER WIFE
2. SPYWARE EVERYWHERE (don't think for one minute that they won't get another phone or way to communicate because they will)
3. DEMAND NO CONTACT.
4. Follow her.
Sounds harsh, but while my husband claimed no contact was happening, he was meeting her every single day at lunch at a park so they could make out in the parked car. Like you, I never imagined it would happen to me. And it did.
Sadly it becomes a game for these cheaters... they become quite addicted to the thrill of the sneaking around. By not completely following through and monitoring EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE you just make it more fun for them.
I'm so terribly sorry for your pain.
And now I'm starting to think you're delusional.
Gonnabe's post is right on target. Somehow you read that communication and still think they aren't cheating. I wouldn't draw that conclusion. They are obviously discussing whether you were checking up on them, which means they were probably discussing ways to hide their communications. I think you have some bad times coming.
I would expose, personally.
Everyone who is urging complete NC as a pre-requisite for healing the damage in your M is correct. It'll suck and be awkward for her. Oh, well. She put the two of you in that position, not you. It's a price she should be willing to pay to shield you from further pain, and in order to repair the damage she's done.
As for disclosing to OM's BW, I think it should definitely be done, for all the reasons people here have suggested. Two pairs of BS eyes watching two waywards is better than one.
Hang in there, take it day by day, and keep reading and posting here. SI really is an amazing font of collective wisdom and support.
Things have been good, or I am lost. She did email mail him about a coupon savings idea for our kids for their activity about 2 days after last contact.
She let me know and did not delete it.
He has not responded back, in over a week+.
We had conflicting kids’ activities last Monday night and had to drop our son off at the one he’s at, when we came back to pick him up, I went in and she decided to follow. We said hi and chatted with a few people, he was there cleaning up. She or I did not say anything to him. WOW that was awkward.
I asked later if they had any contact with him in the past 2 weeks other than that email that she sent him a week and ˝ ago, she said no. She asked if I deleted it somehow, or talked to him. I said no (truth).
I guess he has figured out that I could shake up his life, and his getting out of dodge for now. All 8 of the last 8 communications from confrontation have been imitated by her, going back a month I told her she is acting pathetic.
After the last communication, I told her again that I have everything, games, chats, phone logs, our confrontation recorded. She did not even know what a screen shot was.
I know most everyone here has had much worse happen to them. I know she was in a friendship that got to close, emotions were there, they were getting off the “just good friends”, and on that slippery slope. I caught them (I know for sure) before anything physical happened.
I just need her to see where she was at, admit it to herself and move forward.
So, it’s a level week +, no contact, this verified and believed, before she would tell me about any contact, but leave things out. Now that I can see everything, I can believe.
She still has it in her mind as just a good friendship, I pointed out that it was she that said it was inappropriate; it was she that said she would not delete stuff and did twice, that it was she that said to another married man that she would lie to me to communicate with him.
This embarrassed her, she does not know where she’s at, told her to read the book “not just friends” on our tablet. One month, still has not read, I guess does not want to see the reality of our situation. Told her, read it or I am out of here next year.
Sent her this link this AM
Like I said, I can see / hear just about everything, phone, computers, cell, VAR and there has been nothing.
A new personal best for me
was I was able to hack her work email from off site, there side was semi secure; wow I was SO SURE I would see something, but nothing, great sign.
Holidays upon us lots of visitors from out of state.
Current Plan, hide, look, listen. If it dies great, if not BOOM, I’m out no middle ground with me right now.
Thanks all have a Happy Holiday Season.
I completely understand head-in-the-sand syndrome. But given the messages you've shared here and your chosen interpretation, I am concerned for you.
Why? Because one of the most difficult aspects of infidelity is self-forgiveness--when you are able to accept what really is going on, and realize the ground lost by feverishly working to convince yourself it's naught but a friendship (one that you note, at very first mention pages ago, had your gut screaming SIX years ago)...well, realizing that you've known all along, known when it might have still made a difference, but chose not to face it is HORRENDOUS.
The traumatized mind metes out understanding and acceptance in doses we can tolerate. It becomes our responsibility to be honest with ourselves when it does so. Failing to do so is tremendously harmful -- to YOU. The marriage? There won't be one. Infidelity is NOT a wait-and-see proposition. It's not a let's-see-how-this-unfolds thing. It's NOT an ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away situation. And it's NOT "just a friendship that went too far but is okay now."
I'm really sorry --- truly. I wish it were what you wish it were. But we all know that wishing doesn't make it so. Please, prepare for more.
[This message edited by solus sto at 5:33 PM, December 20th (Thursday)]
Contact the OMs wife....let her know of what you know of...and your concerns.
You want to see a bubble popped? Yeah.....trust me...I lived it.
If this happens again I'm gonna...
You better not do this again or else....
Next year this you better...
Quit giving yourself away.
If you still have even the slightest inkling (remember back in Nov how you trusted your gut) that your W and this guy are engaged in an inappropriate friendship then end it ...
All this techno-spying and empty threats will end nothing, my friend. If they want to have an A, they will. If you want to blow it up it before it gets out of control (if it hasn't already) then do it.
You told her that you essentially have her wired. That she can't move without you knowing about it. Not so sure, as a partner in a M, that I'd be OK with being monitored 24/7. That if she slips up you'll be out the door in January. What does that even mean anyway?
The guy hasn't contacted her in over a week. REALLY??? How are you so sure?
You were at an event where the guy was cleaning up and you thought it was awkward that the 3 of you were together? Again, why? B/c nobody said anything to one another? IMHO perhaps you should've initiated conversation ... after all, you're still his friend, right?
Until you have a sit down with his W, like everyone here has suggested that you do, then nothing changes. Take control.
She did email mail him about a coupon savings idea for our kids for their activity about 2 days after last contact
Excuse me, but does your WW NOT understand what NC means???? Jeez.Louise!!
Don't be like me, I didn't tell her husband and the affair continued, even once the physical part stopped the emotional affair continued for YEARS off and on. Mainly during his birthday and her birthday, then holiday's. Although I will admit, telling her husband (in my case) wouldn't have done any good because HE was cheating and she knew so she was "getting back" at him. This was geesh, 6-8 years ago. I'm no longer with my ex, their emotional affair eventually ended because SHE ended it and he began seeing others. However, I recently found out that HER husband is STILL cheating on her and I'm sure that my ex and her are probably still in contact. Just please, please don't tell her where you got your information from. I NEVER told him. Even when I would find stuff out, I would only confront about the most pressing, I wouldn't tell him about everything I found. That way he became paranoid. Anyway, GL
I truly understand how difficult it is to realize that someone you truly love without conditions would do something so unfeeling to you. They're totally in a fog and are only focused on SELF. When I was going through what I went through it was about 10 years ago and I didn't find out for sure until 2006. By 2008 we agreed he would move out and he moved out in 2009. He now wants to reconcile however, he hasn't changed. By that I mean, he truly is only focused on self.
You think you have your wife on lock down.
But you cannot be everywhere all the time.
Plus that is noway to live.
Go se his wife. Bring some of the evidence.
Let her put her husband on lockdown.
You never said you would not do it.
And if he or his wife calls your wife, wait for her to tell you.
Do not say a word.
Just Do It!
Your worried about your wife keeping secrets from you but you are keeping the secret of the affair from the other mans wife. Hypocrite.
[This message edited by MeanBean at 12:55 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]