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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to be jumping back a whole page now, but... (And of course the but negates all the formal declarations before it, so I guess I am not really sorry.)
How does everyone deal with the intense urge to physically harm the OM?

Last Friday I was invited out to a social by one of my friends whose girlfriend was one of the DJs. Didn't know much about it, so I went in my normal clothes, showed up wearing my Remington hunting parka in blaze orange. Turns out it was a nostalgia goth party, celebrating 25 years of events mostly organized by another one of my friends I knew in university who had owned the bar the whole scene came to revolve around, and later the tatoo/piercing/clothing shop that was an institution among such folks. Even had the old neon signs from his shops and the chainlink fence around the DJ. Was missing the VT100 terminal to request songs through which was both futuristic and retro back in the day. Silly me showing up in orange, when everyone else was dressed in black, some adding extra rips to their nylons so they could once again fit into their old outfits.

I got there a bit before my friends did, and the first things I noticed were rather amusing, wont go into those here, then I noticed the first OP that started all of this, in costume wearing a black velvet top hat. I am far enough out that rather than a trigger, I was able to simply roll my eyes in annoyance and resolve that I was there for my friend (and as it turned out friends).

Now here is where the story gets relevant and somewhat comforting for newbies. With the friends I had there, pretty much everyone who was anyone knew them, and had to come over to hang out and talk for a while. Meanwhile, I noticed that OP spent all night wandering around not talking to anyone, carrying a camera with a lens bigger than my hand (for a small room that only holds about 120 people), taking pictures. Now some of our traditions in Canada are a little different from the US, so I will try an analogy that I think works for you. I spent the whole evening hanging out with the cool kids , while OP wandered around (despite his costume) like the dateless guy at prom who is only there because he is the photographer for the yearbook committee. I learned other things in conversation that only add to this impression.

I'm AMA Christian and I belive God would not want me to do such a thing. But this dude persued my wife from the get go.

I don't even know what AMA Christian means, so clearly I am not one. I actually have strong feelings that are discouraged in the modern world, and believe that for such transgressions, morally his life is forfeit at my discretion. In the early days, it was logistics (including legal)that saved him, not any moral prohibitions. Time and detachment may have greatly diminished my desires in this matter, but I don't believe they alter my rights, as there is still a principal involved. I a however glad that I elected to allow him to keep his life, as it is far more punishment than any torture I could devise.

Now so far this is just an observation of my own personal experience, but I have discovered more than one OP, and a disturbing similarity, as well as learned details of many other peoples OP's, both members and non members. It always appears thus. While we lack information, it is common to make out the OP to be some shadowy figure of menace able to mess with out lives with impunity, when the truth is revealed, they are usually not just messed up in some fashion, but truly pathetic and unworthy of our contempt. If they manage to take our spouses, they are not better than us, they are unwittingly performing a service, like those guys who troll back lanes to steal broken lawn chairs to sell for scrap.

But you know, check my tagline for further details.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 6:48 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now so far this is just an observation of my own personal experience, but I have discovered more than one OP, and a disturbing similarity, as well as learned details of many other peoples OP's, both members and non members. It always appears thus. While we lack information, it is common to make out the OP to be some shadowy figure of menace able to mess with out lives with impunity, when the truth is revealed, they are usually not just messed up in some fashion, but truly pathetic and unworthy of our contempt. If they manage to take our spouses, they are not better than us, they are unwittingly performing a service, like those guys who troll back lanes to steal broken lawn chairs to sell for scrap.

BRAVO!
Great post! Thanks for sharing!


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

glad that I elected to allow him to keep his life, as it is far more punishment than any torture I could devise.

Well said, and truly I believe.
It's not even low maintenance, it's no maintenance.

You've fucked my spouse, you've signed up for a lifetime subscription of "I'm fucking with you whenever I feel like it because you're a douchebag" magazine.
wal


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
WakingFromADream
♂ Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What she needs to understand that many times, the affair isn't the dealbreaker...it's the fucking lies afterward.

Just wanted to second the Amen. WW refuses to even acknowledge that she did anything wrong or that there is anything wrong.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are a special kind of stupid

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly the reason I cheated on you. You spend all your time fixing other people and the rest of it criticizing me to no end

B444 - you are getting a D, right?

What she needs to understand that many times, the affair isn't the dealbreaker...it's the fucking lies afterward.

↑↑ This is the reason I am divorced.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, to switch gears a little bit: In the future, would anyone else find the phrase, "Oh, I don't really have many female friends....I don't get along with them. I get along better with guys." to be a HUGE red flag?

Interesting question. If they deploy boundaries, I do not see a problem.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shit, it's been months since I was here last (sorry) and it's totally rocking. I feel sad about all the new recruits to the man cave no one wanted to be in,but I totally dig the awesomeness of the advise and strength many have moved on to from it. truly inspirational.

As usual, there is always something new and amazing to learn from the vets (and some 'not so vets').

The army meme was great and WALs "there's nothing different about intimate relationships (re: what was she like with OM)" take was a moment of blinding clarity.

I am still vacillating between semi-180/trying R and LIMBO. As jj recently pointed out, let it 'happen' to you rather than try to control it. 3 years DDay antiversary just passed and I'm still none the wiser on the TT. I'm probably the poster boy for a cautionary example of failed boundaries and doing all the wrong stuff at the get go.

Simply trying to say; if you've just arrived, take everything you hear from the vets as gospel and DO NOT QUESTION IT, yours is not a 'special case' and your WW is not 'different' and you're not 'in R' by week 3/month 3. And... Be good to yourselves. Probably the best advise I got here; BE FUCKING GOOD TO YOURSELF.

Love you my brothers, strength and man hugs ))))


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"it's the fucking lies afterward."

Amen to that, AMEN.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Mother's Day!
Here's the question for all my bro's
Do you get WW anything for Mother's Day since we know what stellar parents they are?
I'm thinking about at least getting a card from the kids. It's not their fault.
A day prior to last Father's Day WW had a blow up and left us for a week. I spent Father's Day alone with the kids. No card or gift.
WW was a mess. She was unbeknownst to me on pills and running up her own credit card debt.
Anyway yesterday she wanted money to take the kids out today,while I'm working.
Thoughts?

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you get WW anything for Mother's Day since we know what stellar parents they are?

Well......yes. I did, anyway. My wife has generally been a pretty good mom to our son (as far as he knows). Now, *I* know that infidelity and it's repercussions can have fuck everything up had I chosen to D right away, so she has not been a grade-A mom as a whole....but she's also not MY mother...and she definitely made some shitty choices while in the A (such as driving drunk) that could have ruined my son's life as well. Mostly, I used it as a day for my son to celebrate his mom, and NOT a day for me to celebrate my wife's parental prowess.

What's going to be rough for me is our anniversary in July. I am NOT looking forward to that.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:42 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the response. I want the kids to celebrate. It's not their fault she's their mom but she always will be.
My 9 year anniversary I'd Wednesday. I'm kind of considering it a memorial. Don't know what I'm going to do. I was considering taking her skydiving, great way to legally throw her out of an aircraft.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mostly, I used it as a day for my son to celebrate his mom, and NOT a day for me to celebrate my wife's parental prowess.

That is an excellent way to look at it. Props to you sir.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Crumbled324
♂ Member
Member # 33902
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. New to this part of the forum, but I can only say "Thank You" for the clearity imparted within these pages.

I agree with what the others have posted. Today is a day for my daughter to celebrate her Mother. She is only 6, and is unaware of what her mother had/has done to our family.

My daughter was adopted as an infant. In her life she has had a birth mother, a foster mother, and her "Forever Mom" - my wife. She will always be her "Forever Mom". That's something "I" cant take away from her.

I just hope that on special days like this my wife realizes what she was willing to throw away.


BH: 45
fWW: 44
Beautiful 7 year old daughter
Married 21 years, Together 27 - High School Sweethearts
Reconciling

Posts: 84 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is an excellent way to look at it. Props to you sir.

Thanks. It still kind of sucked as an overall experience, because my wife was always pretty unsure of herself as a parent, and so I was always the one to tell her that she was fine,that our son loves her, etc., and so the cards sort of reflected that stance, you know? Now it's a tad more difficult to write a birthday/Valentines/Mother's Day card without calling bullshit on myself about what I'm jotting down.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's funny face. I was in the hallmark store and bought a card from the kids however I was trying to locate a card from me and they were all BS. Perfect wife, awesome wife etc.
I asked the clerk if they had any cards that were like " yo, happy Mother's Day because your a mom"
Finally found a generic one.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy Mother's Day because your a mom

That's kinda funny actually. I want a BM day. We should start a petition with Hallmark. They can make cards with the hearts ripped out that says "Happy BM day because you were cheated on, here's a card because I'm not doing enough to make it up to you and this gets me out of any real effort".


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hallmark headquarters is right where I live. Get some card ideas together and I'll take them over :)


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, if we're going to petition cards for made up holidays lets get 3-14 punched in first.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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