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User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dupe post

[This message edited by StillGoing at 9:57 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with SG on this one.

I had the opportunity to crush my W. She would have been hard pressed to make it financially without me. Post D-day she was fragile, holding on to her fantasy like a scared little girl crying underneath. If I wanted too I could have crushed her emotionally.

She is and will be the mother of my kids until she dies. Do I want them to have a broken bitter women as a mom? What would that say about me?

Men of honor don't behave that way. Men of honor do what is right because it is the right thing to do not because it makes them feel better in the short run. Men of honor don't swing at pitches in the dirt. Men of honor stay true to themselves and don't let circumstance blow their values and actions around like the wind.

I recommend figuring out your values and living them. I am the first to say f her when is comes to WW. I think it is healthy. It is a very different thing to take advantage of someone who is desperately messed up and comprising herself. If vengeance, furthering the destruction of your family and lack of compassion are among your values - have at your plan. If not, I suggest you reconsider.

I fully understand the struggle, the anger and want to put a hole in somebody else the size of the one you have in your mid-section. But I strongly recommend focusing on you, your kids and drop the focus on your W. Sure, if she wants to kink out and you are down with that, have at it. Just remember what it most likely is...she is messed up and it reads from my angle like another attempt from her at filling the hole that is most likely her self esteem.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for this post. I've copied it for future reference.

No problem allatsea, glad my post gave you strength.

Still going , wert, I respect your opinions. I really do and your arguments are valid.
I woke up this morning and read your responses. No coffee. I showered , got ready for the gym. Took my protein and pre workout supplements and decided it was a good day to take my WW's Harley Davidson. The one I bought her brand new for her birthday in 2010. An 883 Iron silver denim. Look it up. Nice bike. I forgoed getting me one first. I was not a selfish guy. I wanted her to be happy and a new purse or Christian louboutin's weren't enough.
I remember what a friend told me while he was divorcing. He told his lawyer his wife was a good mother. The lawyer said stop and repeat after me, she is not a good mother. His wife was taking him for everything.
I don't know about you all but I resent that knot in the pit of my stomache. The dry heaves, mental movies of me picturing her lowering herself onto his dick. Looking at the phone ring with my name on the caller ID while she is bucking OM.
Now the problem I see with a lot of us, me included, is that we interpret the 180 as a game, a mind fuck TO GET HER BACK. No, it is a tool to detach and heal. To move Foward with our lives and be happy. To show our kids we have balls. We can move on. We don't have to take it nor live with it. We can do better. If it involves socializing with people, all people, so be it. They make us smile. Do we want to be mopey, pathetic, crying sonsofbitches closing ourselfs off to everyone around us. So we want to tell our pathetic stories and scare people off. No!
We have to fix ourselves. They have to fix them selfs.
The problem I see is we are leaving a bridge open. A connection, a lifeline. Blow that shit up. It's a weakness. Quit holding out and release! The 180 is turning your back on them so they can live alone with what they have done.
Like the old cheesy saying
Set it free
If it returns then make your decision but its your decision. Not hers. I swear guys. I've read hours and hours of posts here and I learned they will do it again if you don't administer the proper defibrillation. Your marriage must flatline before it can be resuscitated. And at that point YOU will decide if its worth it.
If she is even left with a "whew, made it"
It's over. Every bit of that alien must be stomped. That's the enemy. Not her, not OM, that sumbitch luuurve monster. If it lives you'll be older, and more desperate before it rears its head again. She may be more secure and ready to say goodbye with you holding your dick in your hand going through DD # 2,345,566
180 is popping smoke men. Emotionally disappearing. Being a ninja and breaking contact. Give her so much space she feels like Neil Armstrong. You don't care. Set your boundaries and your guidelines and take off. Don't beg, cry, fight.
I was pathetic. I did all of that. Write letters and they were torn to shreds.
At work yesterday I got several " I love you " texts" "xoxoxo"
I got home. She tore my clothes off. Looong kisses. She dry grinded me prior to that telling me it reminded her of HS.
She smiled and said
"You do love me"
She was giddy
Remember, 3 nights ago I told her I didn't love her. She didn't interest me. I was going D. Perhaps I would catch up with an ex girlfriend. I was being honest. Very honest. Not condescending. Not angry, not vindicative. That would be playing games. No, it was real.
She saw that. I saw the fog lifting.
I wasn't kissing her ass or scared to say what was on my mind. I wasn't fixing her problems. I didn't care if she got angry when I went out. I wasn't concerned with a curfew. I didn't care if it would cause a D.
She already did that damage. She should be concerned about ME wanting to D.
And if as a side effect she falls in love with me again, chases me, flirts, fucks, becomes her old self because this weird ass exorcism like effect takes hold so I owe her a reconciliation? Hell no!
I'm sorry but no matter what she still introduced a foreign dick(s) into her vagina.
So I'm to blame now if it makes her upset? My kids?
No. She made those decisions. She rewrote the marriage. She talked shit behind my back. Laughed as she rode his cock. Was stupid. Threw it all away with reckless abandon. Got arrested. Jeapordized the kids safety. Embarrassed me and said cruel and hurtful things.
Took advantage of me.
Now I'm the guy she first met. I took back my attitude and my manhood. I own that. Not her. It's mine. I know I'm still strong, attractive, popular and I make a great salary.
She was nasty. I swear at times she would make her head spin.
No mercy guys. The roles have to be reversed. You give them an inch you better believe they will take you a mile.
You can't stick up for them. Let them go. Live your life. Go to the gym. Eat healthy. Go out with friends. Let them know your done.
Quit feeling sorry for THEM
Quit saying they are sick or broken!
Quit saying they made a mistake!
They knew exactly what they were doing. They knew you wouldn't throw them out. They know you are bluffing.
I'm not.
At first I was all about forgiveness, R, love. But when you get into a confrontation and you get them in a weak spot the demon will come out and cut you to the bone. You will either man up or retreat and be put back into your place.
I'm sorry if I seem extreme. I really am but my kids will never call me weak. So far I've protected my WW, bailed her out of jail, spent over 18 grand on legal fees. Put her up in a hotel for 4 weeks. Paid for an apt for her and let her stay in the house to keep her safe. I've went above and beyond. Still no remorse, no apologies, no truth, timeline, details. Just name calling, marriage rewriting, accusations etc.
I suddenly say fuck it
Goodbye, I don't love you, I'm going for D, were broken up and I will have male and female friends, get on with my life and be me. Suddenly my clothes are getting torn off, she's wetter than old faithful, I'm getting love diatribes and apologies via text, I'm her pet name again. She smiling and moaning during sex.
Ok. It's nice.
But once again, it's a side effect of me being done. And I want her to realize what actually happened. For the first time, you saw her texts, she took responsibility. I want her to feel the pain of my loss as I did. Who knows, maybe ill get one of the most important things back from her
RESPECT

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:08 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't saying any of that is wrong. I did more or less the same. I started training in MMA for fucksake. You have no idea what it's like being a flabby desk jockey going in and getting those "Yeah, two days" looks and then nearly 2 years later have everybody in there call you a success story. It felt awesome. It was before I even found out about her A, but it was one of my tools to make my life better while I detached.

All of that stuff is good.

What I was pointing out is your goal of crushing her. That's not good, and not just because it's dickish. Everything you do with that goal in mind will be tethered and defined by that, instead of tuning out her bullshit and making your life about you.

Steering towards crushing her isn't detaching or 180, it's just revenge.

As for talking to other women, go for it but you're still married. You're still living with your WW, and your vows may be broken by her but unless you have flat out declared you are done, D is in the process and you are planning to chat up the ladies then you're driving that bike down the same road she took.

Make friends man, but don't go down that road. We've all been where you are and know what it's like. Power to you for making the days better but don't get sucked into the idea that anything you do is justified.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
hardlessons
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Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I learned they will do it again if you don't administer the proper defibrillation.

No, actually her A or any of her choices has absolutely nothing to do with you. All about her own messed up head.

Betrayed you are all over the place. Hurt/angry/raging. Totally get it, been there as all of us have. But bottom line if the only thing you want your kids to learn from you is that you are strong, have balls and not weak then you have bigger issues than your WW. Right now, are you angry at her more or yourself for the 18 grand in legal fees and hotel bills etc?

Finding a balance with this shit is really fucking hard. But that's what you need to move towards. You want to sack up for your kids? Then be as Whole as possible. Some days are better than others but the more you work at it the better it gets. Good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
reallyscrewedup7
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Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444

First of all brother, your pain is clear. And anything I say, well, it is just me. You know what is best for you. But if I could offer some perspective that might help...

Detachment is a good thing, but you are not anywhere near detached. Yes, you are being an alpha badass (in many positive ways). I have no doubt that you are a good man with qualities that many women would want and your wife feels threatened by your mentioning of your old girlfriend.

But that is not detaching.

Yes, you are getting a lot of it right. Letting go of the desperate desire to hold the marriage together is a GREAT start. But having more-or-less meaningless sex with her is not.

Look, I am the last guy on earth to preach on this topic. It took me three months to wake up after Dday to say "Enough!" and file for divorce. And her main weapon for keeping me attached - SEX. A pout-y face and max cleavage on her D cups and I was right back into the shitstorm. Detachment was not exactly my forte.

But when I achieved it, it was freeing. My need to exact revenge - to make her hurt like I hurt - well, it faded AND FAST. And that is big for me. I am not a proportional force kind of guy. I am more of the "Kill one of mine and I kill ten of yours" kind of fellow. Rage and anger have been lifelong friends of mine.

Look, you want to punish her. We ALL get that. But she is a world class hot mess. You are not going to being able to hurt her in the same way. She is already hurt of her own free will...

So, gently here, keep on the path of healing by making you and your kids healthier. You clearly are a leader. She will either decide to follow and start cleaning up her mess or not. But in the end, you will be healed and your kids will have at least one healthy parent. And maybe, just maybe, they will get two...

Whatever happens, you know we are on your side.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
5454real
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Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444, listen to what they are saying. If, no when you get to detached, the motivation for revenge will disappear. You will be coming from a more healthy place.

But once again, it's a side effect of me being done. And I want her to realize what actually happened. For the first time, you saw her texts, she took responsibility. I want her to feel the pain of my loss as I did. Who knows, maybe ill get one of the most important things back from her
RESPECT

You'll realize that she has nothing to do with your self respect. If she doesn't give you respect, you won't care.

I also don't really see her taking responsibility either. It's more like she's throwing everything at this problem to see what will stick. Has she given details on the other OM?

Slow down brother. This is a marathon, not a sprint. 2-5 years is best guess.
Vent, rage, fume scream. We're here.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can also think of a few things regarding the "punishment" aspect of it:

1) I also get it, more or less. I'm only about 4 months past DDay, and once in a while I get all punish-y in my thought process where the wifey is concerned as well....but mostly for me it's aimed at POSOM. I would really like to punish him over and over, preferably using a broken copy of Michael Jackson's "Thriller". I know at some point I need to get to apathy, but that point is not yet.

2) Like others have said, if you are constantly 'punishing' her, you're simply conforming to her re-writing of marital history....but I totally get it. I do. Basically, it's like, "Well, I was a good husband before, but you told everyone I was shit, so I'm going to show you what I could really be like, if I want to." But she doesn't look at it like that...for her you're just conforming to her fucked-up expectations of the cardboard-cutout 'you' that she's had to believe in in order to perform the mental backflips to make her 'A' acceptable.

I learned they will do it again if you don't administer the proper defibrillation.

3) Think about it....if thinking ahead to the potential consequences of her actions, and following them to their logical conclusion was part of her skillset, she wouldn't have had an 'A' to begin with. So if she stays fucked in the head, she's not going to think next time "Oh, I better not, or else 444 is going to be mean.", because that's not in her tool bag. And even if it was, do you REALLY want that to be the reason she doesn't stray...? Because she's afraid of the consequences...? Which brings me to my last point...

4) ...if she seeks counseling, etc., and owns, than fixes her shitty thinking, she just might decide that she's not going to stick around to be toyed with BEFORE you decide you're done messing with with her. Or maybe she'll think back to how you manipulated her emotions, post-Dday, and decide she doesn't like the kind of person you are, and decides to leave then. Even if YOU feel justified in your actions, doesn't necessarily mean that SHE is going to think you were, even if she eventually becomes a "fWW".

Just my thoughts, brother...I go through my own shitty roller coaster, and I have my own missteps and fuck-ups along the way as well.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 3:25 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
ReunitePangea
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Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if I seem extreme. I really am but my kids will never call me weak.

444 - I have been following your story as well and I guess the following is my take on it if that is worth anything. You are extreme - I can tell that from your posts. But you know what, that is exactly who you are, your WW piled all her crap on you and you are not letting it change who you really are. If anyone can get through all of this shit that our WW's put us through with these A's and can come out by being a better you that is pretty good. Be who you are - if your WW comes back to who you are without you having to change to meet her wants on what she would like you to be that is great. If she doesn't want the real you then you are better off she is gone. Go ahead and be extreme.

Now as someone who can be extreme you probably already know that you have to be careful to make sure you dont cross that fine line of being too extreme. Just be aware of that as you move on your path. From what I can read of you, I think that is something that you are already aware of.

Now just because you are extreme and that makes you strong that doesn't mean that others who follow a different path are weak though. I find some of the strongest people are the ones that can be dumped on like our WWs have done and still been able to take the path of higher ground.

After experiencing these A's we are absolutely more aware of our environment and surroundings - but I refuse to allow it to change who I am. I am not broken like my WW, I do not regret the things I have done in my life and have had to live with those consequences. I take strength in my understanding of who I am and what I am about. My WW has to live with the consequences of what she has done and is forever changed by her actions.

I also don't think it is really my job to fix my WW, that responsibility is hers not mine. I need to make sure that the changes that are made are satisfactory for me to want to live with is all really. I think that is the purpose of the 180 - either they own their shit and figure it out to our satisfaction or we move on. While we are giving them time to figure it out we 180 them and focus on being just you. 444 keep being you to the best of your ability.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
tfkeel
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Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that is the purpose of the 180 - either they own their shit and figure it out to our satisfaction or we move on.

Bottom line? It wasn't to my satisfaction at all. I didn't want anything to do with a person like this.

A person who was so in to herself and her own strokes that she would sacrifice the emotional welfare of both me and her kids to get them.

A person who was so self-centered as to use the strongest weapons in the arsenal against me in an attempt to brow-beat me into continuing to support her and her affair and accept the blame for it myself.

I asked myself a simple question.....

"....self?...would you, knowing what you know today about her, walk up to an altar with her and say "I do"?
"

That answer was "hell, no". Then, I knew exactly what to do.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 8:31 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked myself a simple question.....

"....self?...would you, knowing what you know today about her, walk up to an altar with her and say "I do"?
"

That answer was "hell, no". Then, I knew exactly what to do.

You guys are absolutely right. I don't know what I'm doing. Dealing with WW's isn't my forte. My pride is holding me solid. I apologize if anyone thought I was taking digs at them. Wasn't my intention at all. We're all in this together and putting our experiences on the table. Right, wrong or indifferent we approach the situation the best we can. It is a tremendous balancing act of heart, mind, and family.
I was in NYC last night with my aunt and her 83 year old mom. I brought WW. My cousin is a musician and he's on tour. Her husband, my Uncle, was a Green Beret and Vietnam vet. I idolized him. Followed in his footsteps. He was a ladies man. Smooth, charming, strong. I would listen to him give me advice for hours. He passed of cancer a few years ago. Agent orange.
I took care of my aunt and her mom last night. Car doors, drinks. Even WW.
My Aunt looks at me with a tear in her eye and says " your just like your uncle" " your a real man" " there aren't many left"
She turns to my wife and says your lucky, you guys are perfect" her mom concurred and added " it's so nice to have a man take care of you"
(They don't know)
I don't think I can do this is what I'm saying. When I was single or dating if a woman cheated I left. Simple. I didn't care. They knew what they did. They would try to come back.
A girl actually did break my heart. I was crazy about her. I left.
She called once while WW was dating me. I spoke to her. WW was angry but I explained it was closure. Ex GF said she was wrong and I liked it. Then I turned her down. The same girl I mentioned to WW 3 days ago.
I can't accept the notion that my manipulating WW's emotions will justify her past A and our marital history. On this site we stress that nothing justifies an A. And if she does think like that then I don't want her anymore anyway. She won't get it so the kid's and I will go.
It's not so much about revenge as vindication. She made me feel horrible. Still does. My lover is gone. I think of us on the altar as cheesy as that is, she will never be that girl again. It hurts. Saying goodbye hurts. Not living the rest of my life with her hurts. We will never again be equal. I'm so upset she took that away. That was so valuable.
Pill problem....ok well get help
Spending too much.... Ok
When she crossed this bridge I was like god damn it. Why? I can't come back from that.
I'm so upset I want her to feel what she did on the altar before I say good bye. Can you guys understand?
Is it right? No
Day by day
I don't want to be a dick either. Seems I'm only good at being one or another and my feelings change all the time. I have a problem with consistency. Thanks again


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pill problem....ok well get help
Spending too much.... Ok
When she crossed this bridge I was like god damn it. Why? I can't come back from that.

444, you are being heard. I know how you feel. I just don't know if anyone who has the capacity to do what our wives did to us ever had the same feeling we did to begin with on the altar. Vows, honor, loyalty, commitment, those are just words to them. They never realize that they are more than words, they are actions.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
RyeBread
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Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pill problem....ok well get help
Spending too much.... Ok
When she crossed this bridge I was like god damn it. Why? I can't come back from that.

Our WW's are cut from the same cloth my friend. Prior to Dday my WW was using and abusing pills, shopping like everything was on sale, and had quit her job to "find herself". I was doing all the relationship lifting at this point and completely burned out mentaly and emotionaly. Then she drops Dday on me. Felt like I had been buried under Mt. Everest with all of it.

I finally had to take a real assessment of what it is I was getting out of the M. I was doing the heavy lifting, WW was along for the ride. Simple as that. The A and the blameshifting afterwards drove that point home. When my WW made it clear through her actions/nonactions and words that it was on me to salvage the M from the A, I knew it was over for me.

Not sure what my point to all that is really but just know you are not alone. Dealing with M shit is hard enough, throw in the A and it's a whole new kind of suck. Search deep down inside yourself and let the advice here marinate as well. You'll get through this.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rye
Thanks bro. That is exactly my situation. In the Army we have a saying "embrace the suck"
Ill be embracing the life of a single dad it seems. I doubt ill be able to stick around with her and her secrets. That's unacceptable. I don't want to do any of her heavy lifting. I want to be clear about my pasts post. It is not my intention to cheat on her. Just move on and be happy. As long as she keeps this to herself. She can do it without me.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
calkid
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Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does everyone deal with the intense urge to physically harm the OM? I'm AMA Christian and I belive God would not want me to do such a thing. But this dude persued my wife from the get go. She felt attraction for him and was running scared from him. He's a business partner and she didn't want to tell me because she was afraid I'd make her quit. He finally broke her down with the pursuit and she gave in. Wtong man, right time. I don't know if I could live with myself if I ever hurt anyone as I want to hurt him plus I can't takemcare of my family from a jail cell. Does anyone else struggle with these feelings?

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi calkid,

...deal with the intense urge to physically harm the OM?

Risk management is a part of my work, and so when I weighed the benefits versus the likly risks it came up as not a good option. Later, as I worked through this crap I realized that the OM were just interchangeable bits. They were available, willing, and broken just like my FWW. My real issue was with my FWW. Sure I could beat an OM for taking advantage of what my FWW offered to him, but my real anger was correctly focused on FWW for making herself available to an OM, any OM.

Only 2 OM actually fucked FWW, and one more she gave a couple of BJs to (that I know of). There was one she had phone sex with, others who stexted with her, and even more who flirted with her. Where do you draw the line? See, the OM were not the problem, FWW was.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:10 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does everyone deal with the intense urge to physically harm the OM?

At first? my brother and best friend were keeping a close eye on me and made sure I didn't do anything stupid. After a few months, I didn't really give a shit. I can't imagine a worse punishment than being with my ex (now that the BS fog has cleared and I can see her more clearly than I did before) and as far as I know, they're still together.

You might want to think about this a little more carefully though:

But this dude persued my wife from the get go. She felt attraction for him and was running scared from him.

Because it doesn't really matter who chased after who. The OM in my situation was the pursuer as well. My ex was the one who liked the attention so much that she jumped into bed with him. I'm sure most of us have been pursued by a woman we have found attractive at some point and have not cheated. For me, it happened several times at low points in the relationship. I stayed faithful. My ex didn't and neither did your wife.

There are going to be pieces of shit like the OM. The person who was married to you, though, was your wife and she was the one who should have said no. Be careful laying all of the blame at the feet of the POSOM. Don't let her off the hook. If she doesn't have to work her ass off to fix herself, she's going to do it again.


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
RyeBread
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Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He finally broke her down with the pursuit and she gave in.

I can understand the desire to make your WW a victim in this. It helps to continue the illusion that you are married to a loving virtuous woman. Unfortunately she is not. That doesn't mean she is all bad, but she has some things to work out.

If this guy was so persistant and so aggressive in his pursuit of your wife then there should be some kind of sexual harasment evidence against him at the very least. The real question you might be asking is "Why did my wife give in?" I personally know of women who would willingly lose their jobs, friends, etc to hold on to their virtue. Your WW's reasons are minimizing her role in the A. Be very cautious of her explainations and intentions.


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Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately she is not. That doesn't mean she is all bad, but she has some things to work out.

Right. One of the best pieces of advice I've read on this thread is to look at your wife as a mixture of both the person who betrayed you like no other...and the person who takes care of you when you get sick, or gives you awesome birthday presents. Paraphrasing, obviously.

Because both of those aspects are equally true parts of her personality, at least until she does all the IC work to excise the shitty parts. Again, cribbing other people's superior advice: She's shown you who she is, so believe her.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

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Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It helps to continue the illusion that you are married to a loving virtuous woman. Unfortunately she is not.

This.

Instead of focusing on what a douchebag predator this dude was, what you should be asking yourself is why your wife chose to fuck a guy she was afraid of when most women would just file sexual harassment charges.

So, either she doesn't think she can get another job and just has to take it (indicative of self-esteem issues), or she liked the attention and was trying to cover it up, or she was just as much a participant in the attention-lathering, flirting and pursuit (ding-ding-ding) and doesn't want you to know it.

'Cuz then you'd have a much more nuanced view of who your wife is, which would give you the power to make decisions about the sort of woman you want to spend your life with.

See, because if you're worried about how *wanting* to beat the shit out of OM reflects on you as a Christian man...that suggests to me that you admire a good, Christian woman. That's likely the idea of your wife that you carry around in your head: a good, decent, Christian woman who got caught up in circumstances she wasn't mature enough to handle and resist.

(Why she prefers being a weak-willed idiot to be being someone who likes to have sex with more than one guy, I have no idea. I see it all the time, but I have no idea. Sort of like the wayward men who get into other women's pants by complaining about how badly their wives treat them. I'm like...srsly? So your argument for getting into another chick's pants and convincing her that you're attractive enough for her to break a major social taboo is that you can't stand up to your wife? And chicks fall for that? Like...adult, grown-up chicks who aren't 17 y.o. *fall* for that? And think it makes you desirable?)

In other words, you need to seriously consider the possibility that your wife is not telling you the truth about her behavior or presenting the behavior of her OM in an accurate light. She's trying to deflect blame. We call that "throwing the OP under the bus". Give it a couple of months and she'll likely be describing the entire sexual dimension in rape terms and saying that she only talked to him at all because she was afraid of him.

She makes him the monster, herself the victim, and expects you to be her knight in shining armor.

She's got the roles all cast and just wants you to play your part.

Do something different and see how she reacts. Bet you money that she goes from "poor little victim" to listing all the things you've done wrong in the marriage over the years in about 60 seconds flat. WW's don't like it when you don't play the role they've written for you in their narrative.


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