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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys.....finally chiming in. A lurker from 11/10 to 4/11....then joined.

Greg: I am also a marathoner/ironman...a slow as shit one, but anyways....I read your post here then your profile. WTF?? Why is she even still coaching? I don't get that...I train with our citys club and regardless of pace groups...we all gather early of stick around...there is no way of avoidance....and we have 2000 members!

MMJ: I called my wife a whore out of the gate for about a week during the meltdown post dday. Now? 26 months later? I am fine...I don't have to...she calls herself that when the fallout from that time frame comes up (Her family found out and her brother has tossed her out of his circle). I do not try and correct her and just let her beat herself up, but at some point she has to move on....

BJs: I never got the BJ thing. Her A was short (2.5 weeks and only Phys 3 times in the final week). I got a mercy fuck during the EA part and it was like screwing a cadaver. She said it was guilt that led her to initiate sex that night.

some of the red flags I noticed in my fwws affair period and reading hear....

Guarding phones, changing password, dressing better, new hobbies, changes in schedules that are odd, out of the blue errands, working over when they didn't have to before, hiding credit card and atm receipts, new underwear, new sexual positions that were never done before...yada yada...

The one that tipped me off
Mine? Shaved like a peach....she hadn't done that in 6 years and then out of the blue....2 days before DDay I walked into the bathroom by chance and saw her getting out of the shower. Not a hair.....I knew that something was up....she covered up and I didn't say anything....sure enough.


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't notice anything during the A...but then once I found out my mind is on constant search mode thinking of things she did different during the time...for example, put on music during sex...I don't think we've ever done it before, but really, who remembers? I didn't hate it at the time, but now I associate it with them, whether they did it or not....or during the A she suggestively flirted that we should try sex against the wall...I was crazy turned on, but then after DDay I started thinking "Well, that kind of came out of nowhere...", sure enough, they had wall sex. Now? When I get the mind movies, it's all I think of.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I remember all of that. Not knowing what happened. Being intentionally left in the dark, then uncovering the realities. Jeesh.

We often speak in platitudes on this site. Well I'd like this to become a platitude on SI, "there's no such thing as a prude WW".

Mine did anal, oral, swallowing, pictures, dirty texts and emails. All of it. Once they get to that point boys, all bets are off. She's at his every beck and call.

I read someone on here back in 2011 say something to the effect of "picture the worst that you can imagine. If you can't live with that, then divorce her because that's what happened whether she tells you or not".

Over a year and half later after reading that and having gone through all of the TT, minimizing, and self-protection? No truer words have been spoken.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been kind of dealing with this mentally right now, myself. My wife says she's told me everything, but who really knows, you know? I have pretty much exhausted all the possible online/cell phone digging I can do, and there is nothing really there that either supports or denies her version of events. I'm sort of maybe thinking that in the end, she had sex with someone else, and the specifics of it are not terribly important as far as betrayal is concerned. It's a choice between being super pissed at one version of events, or being super pissed at an alternate version of the same thing.

Question: Of the stuff that she did with the OM, did she NOT do that with you previously?

And also: After all the minimizing, etc., how did you eventually find out the truth?

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:41 PM, January 31st (Thursday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wife did nothing out of the ordinary for the OM. He got sex three times and a blowjob. From his BS I got the story he is a shit lay with a below ave member so I dont have to deal with that (gee...how lucky am I)...I got the full length TT for a month on the PA shit. Finally when she knew I was intalks with the BS....I got it all over a period of 2 nights....I believe her...and believe i got it all becuase she feared I wold find out from the BS....cause the BS on the other end was straight out in PI mode and not to be fucked with.

Our wws had sex....with another dude....its a kick in the shit...and one that is felt for a long time. I am 26 months out. I have dealt with all of it...in a good place...except when it comes to sex. I am not emotionally there....I will get what I need to and make sure she is good to go, but I am not one bit attached emotionally during the act...she knows...and we talk...and she will not give up on bringing me back...

this part scares me......I think some more MC is needed because I dont see it ever improving.


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i hate my damn phone...fat finger every damn thing...

and I am too lazy to go correct it.....sorry


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dday.....
I guess I missed what happened with you. I followed your story and remember a post where you posted a reply to a question you asked your WW....it was one of the best ww responses I have read. I am sorry it did not work out.....I hate that as it seemed per your posts as it was going well..


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LongGone, it was going well, until it wasn't, KWIM? Here's most of a post I wrote on this thread back in September that'll explain a lot.

Sometimes I hesitate to post about what’s going on in my life because there are so many people here with unremorseful WW’s, or folks with very recent dday’s. I feel for you guys and I’m glad I’m not in your situation. You know like I’m one of the lucky ones because my WW is remorseful. Well let me tell you something boys. Even with a remorseful WW, recovering from this shit ain’t easy. Yeah my wife was immediately snapped out of “the fog” on dday. She gave me complete transparency into her life. She answered my questions honestly. She never longed for the OM or broke NC. I’m lucky right? Remorseful=good. Unremorseful=bad.

Bullshit. All of it sucks. All of it. Remorse is what you’d prefer, but it’s no fucking guarantee either. There are levels of remorse you know. People aren’t either completely remorseful or completely unremorseful. Some are but most aren't. People are much more complicated than that. At least in my view they are. I have the awful pleasure of having a WW who can’t seem to discover the meaning of accountability. She feels accountable. She acts accountable sometimes. She says things that have some accountability to them, but she really doesn’t understand what it is. She likes to “feel” accountable, not “be” accountable. You have to extract information from her. She’ll be honest with you but only if you ask the question the right way.

I know people can change. Change isn’t always good though you know? Somehow, some way, one of the ways I’ve seemed to change since dday is a new found ability to accept shitty treatment, minimization tactics, and ultra passive-aggressive behavior simply because now I know how to recognize it and call her on it. Yeah, she’s “doing the work”, going to IC and such, but when do you say when if it doesn't stop or get better? When do you stop justifying her behavior and ways of being and start being realistic about who you’re married to?

My WW minimized much of her affair. It was only through monitoring her behavior after dday that I had the displeasure of finding many of the secret emails and pictures they previously sent one another. It wasn’t new stuff but it was stuff that happened, that she intentionally didn’t tell me about, and she minimized to the Nth degree that I read and looked at that day. You can all guess what was there. Awful, awful shit, an experience no man should ever have to suffer at the hands of his wife. I did change at that moment. I became hyper-vigilant, untrusting, and emotionally unstable. That was short term though. Long term I seem to be using that level of trauma as some kind of benchmark for everything else. “Well it wasn’t as bad as when I found her gmail account history. No big deal”.
You know what? It is a big deal.

There was more minimizing uncovered this week. Nothing huge, nothing “intentional” as she likes to put it, but it was there and tangential to the pictures and emails. I can see clearly now. The shame and self-protection will never leave her. It’s been there from day 1 and it’s still there, even with my sanity and our marriage at stake.

I like to fix things. I like to feel like I can fix anything. I cannot. I should stop trying. I’m going to stop trying to fix her. When I look back on how I’ve handled things since dday, there is very little I would change other than to stop believing in someone who is so intent on self-protection that they’ll literally do almost anything or sacrifice anyone to achieve it.

My wife fucked another guy while we were married. She told him she loved him. Who cares at this point? That doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that after discovery, after seeing me crushed, after all of the talks about honesty, vigilance, and safety, the first person on her list to protect is her. That hasn’t changed at all. I don’t think it ever will. I don’t want to be married to someone like that. I am married to someone like that but I won’t be for much longer.

I guess the bottom line was that she was trying but not capable of giving me what I needed. Or maybe the whole thing was a dealbreaker for me and it took me a year and a half to get it through my thick fucking skull. Either way I had enough and told her I wanted a divorce.

@facepunched, no there wasn't anything she did with OM that she didn't do with me, except pictures, which I never asked for or wanted, but does it really matter? I don't think it does. I'd imagine it adds to the trauma if your WW had been denying you certain sexual acts for a long time and then gave it up to the OM almost instantly, but that didn't happen to me. I guess I'm one of the "lucky ones".


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
Madmichaelj
♂ Member
Member # 35192
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way crazy sexual acts done with the OM from one WW to the next on here is nothing short of incredible. I read some crazy stories on here and it blows my mine what a WW is willing to do for a comment or a smile...

On the sex piece, now that the storm has settled a bit; I view the importance of sex with my wife somewhere between a greeting you give to the drive through cashier at McDonalds and the series of high-five/handshake combo you give your teenage son (up high, down low, etc...)

She jacked that up...

As far as what she got from the OM, and what she will and wont do with me, or has, or cant't, yadda, yadda, yadda...

I told her for all intentions its like I am now the OM, just with legalities; just as she was nothing more then a "Booty Call" for him, that's about the same level as I see things these days with her...

I too need some major help in trying to get past their sexual relationship...

I will tell you what helps; on bad days I imagine strolling through the zoo with my kids and saying "hey kids, look at this exhibit, its your mom and a male shitbird", in a sexual animalistic reproduction act of course...

[This message edited by Madmichaelj at 10:41 AM, February 1st (Friday)]


"Yea Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death, I Will Fear No Evil"
Psalms 23

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2012
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its like I am now the OM, just with legalities; just as she was nothing more then a "Booty Call" for him, that's about the same level as I see things these days with her...


madmicheal, it's odd how things turn around after an A-now I am the one who has "checked out" of the M.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The ex in my case hooked up with quite a piece of work...

Within weeks of starting the A she was shaved, tanned and wearing thongs they picked out together...

Within 3 or so months into the A she got a boob job... Not just any boob job... She got a pair of tits that are way too big... He picked them out for her and she paid for them!

When the OM dumped her she came back and begged me to take her back... I was never really given the real truth but one thing that changed is that she'd do anything sexual with me...

I was simply her replacement porn star... We never "made love" again... It was just raw rip roaring sex... It was pretty crazy what she turned herself into to please the OM and she then unleashed it on me...

The sex was great but I couldn't reconnect emotionally to her... She was simply a woman I could fuck the living shit out of... It grew old pretty quickly and I had to get out of the mind fuck she'd served me...

As was said before... There wasn't one thing she didn't do for the OM... The OM came on and in every inch of her body... He did use her as his personal cum dumpster...

Even though the HB was kinky great and I was getting a nut anytime or anyway I wanted there was always an OM presence when we had sex...

I couldn't move past all the OMism... The OM really fucked up her sense of self... She became violent with me a few times and I had to be done...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

like I said before...if your gut is screaming...just check downstairs....if it doesnt look like you remember it....then something is 100% up.


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After an exchange of text messages about getting the house ready for short sale where she seems to presume that I still give a fuck about what she thinks or how she feels...

Fuck you and your c***flaps, you fucking cumdumpster. If you think that using a stern fucking tone with me will make me more likely to give a shit about you or how you feel at this point, you can eat a dick. Oh wait, you probably are.

I can't believe I put up with this shit for so long. I can't believe I cared so little about myself that her talking to me like this was not only OK, it was effective in eliciting her desired response. I'm so fucking tired of the goddamn high road.

I can't wait until this cancerous bitch is completely out of my life for good.

ETA: I've actually managed to use a word that's automatically censored by SI. I feel like I should be ashamed of myself.

ETA2: My brother just called to remind me that she may be a bitch but she can only do it over text or e-mail these days. Some poor piece of shit has to live with her. Bet he didn't know what he was getting himself into.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:44 PM, February 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 1326 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey dudes, here's the latest...

Unfortunately, WW has started drinking again. First it was a little rum in her coffee, then "just a Friday beer", but she's been really drunk the last couple of nights.

Wednesday, after a couple of glasses of wine, she told me that she was pretty sure where "this" was going and had started looking at apartments. Fine. I liked how she let it slip that I "don't have it in me to forgive" (as if it's my fault) and slowly brought three years of rampant infideli back to her discovery of innocuous emails between my F best friend and myself. I called her out on subtly blaming me for everything again, which she denied, of course.

So, she's been pretty upset this week, saying that it will be hard, but we will always be friends, yada yada, whatever.

Last night I went out to a coworkers 40th bray celebration, and I knew she got pretty drunk. So, of course, I checked her kindle when she was passed out and saw Facebook messages between her and OM #2 (two hookups back in late 10 and early11). She was very sexually forward with him, reliving their hookups, calliing herself a sex ninja (look it up) , telling him she had two orgasms with him, and that she was logging off to play with herself and think of him.

I haven't and probably won't confront her, just will add to the (literal) list I keep to remind myself of everything I've been through since 2009. Jesus.

I know she's just reaching out to someone for comfort and affirmation because she was drunk and is upset and scared, but none of that makes I right of course.

Man, just when I think I could maybe work something out, here we go again. I want to be divorced, but I don't want to go through it, if that makes sense. Plus, I want to see my kids every day. Part of me wonders if I have grounds to file for custody, but that means lawyers and money, and I don't know if I'm in for that.

fuuuuuuuuuck.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannon, have you tried Al-Anon? They're pretty good at helping people learn to detach from the chaos the alcoholic inflicts on everyone around them, and moving on with their own lives.

Otherwise, I feel for you. But you need to get out, and model what a healthy adult does, for the sake of your kids. Stay in this marriage, and that sends a message that it's normal to have such a dysfunctional relationship. Better to be in their lives less often, but show them what they need to shoot for in terms of healthy behavior.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the time near the end, I gave her...nothing.
Not anger, desire, explanations.
Nothing.
She deserved no part of me. My wit. My insight. My great heart was not hers to peek into or affect.
I became a mono-syllabic grunter of nothings.

It was very pleasing to me. To save the deepest (& damaged) part of me - just for me.

I liked your thing @ remorse dday. I get it that we're complicated, and either/or propositions smack of disordered 'black and white thinking', anyway...
Still,
the only measure I have for true remorse is within me. As in: how would I feel? what would I do? - if I were the cheater.

Since, in my imagination, *I* wouldn't avoid accountability - it's beyond me how remorse could be anywhere near true without it, kwim?
Could be the good guy/protector thing kicking in,
but the first thing on my list would be protecting her.

Rode a party bus to Kentucky's game at A&M yesterday...had such a great time I forgot to swing the dead cat in College Station lmao!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jtom
♂ Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I finally wised up,and discovered my EXWW affair with a married co-worker I told the OM wife. She an I became allies for a spell. While begging his wife to take him back ( which she never did, divorced him) he admitted to his wife that he had my then wife ANY WAY HE WANTED, ANY TIME HE WANTED. Iam sorry but I will never move on from that and it will bother me until they put me 7 feet under.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah....i would of done jail time if that happened to me.....
Sorry u had to deal with that...


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
jtom
♂ Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I tried to get him to meet with me. Even went to were he worked an got word to him that I was now involved with his wife, I wasnt,but he still would not man up an meet with me. Just as well.After I kicked the wife out, I finished raising our son, which I couldnt have done if I was in jail over that assclown.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

means you are by far the better man.....he...is a piece of worthless shit. The karma bus will find him one day.....


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
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